just wonderin'

For once in a long time
My mind tonight is clear
I finally feel at rest
Finally free of fear

But an empty mind brings forth more
As i drift deeper into thoughts
It seems as though it's been a while
I brought up memories and what nots

I used to ponder during this time
About what happened during the day
Analysing it from different perspectives
Every move and word i do or say

I used to wonder what people thought
What are the impressions i gave away
Sometimes I end up regretting
My actions for that day

Guess in certain ways I was picky
A perfectionist when it came to character
I fussed about what people thought of me
And was bugged by the hatred factor

I tried my level best
To be well liked by one and all
I hate giving wrong impressions
And people to see my fall

Then I reached a phase in life
Where a crush took hold of my head
Then, the only thoughts i minded
Were the impressions by him instead

I didn't care what others think
As long as I could make things right
Whenever I was around this guy
Whenever he was in sight

Thinking about the things I did
Just trying to catch his attention
The memories I cannot get rid
Even if now I've come to realisation

I realised now that what people thought
What their impressions of me are
Should be the least of my worries
Shouldn't let it be a scar

But old habits die hard, I'd say
And once in a while I'd start pondering
How have his impressions of me changed by now
Don't need an answer...just wondering....

u know...i actually lunged into the topic of my ex relationships in the poem and i suddenly realised that my blog's too public to go into that. ahha...so anyway, just a brief summary of my point tonight. I was just wondering about my whole life i guess. As a child in kindergarten, i was popular. In primary school, i was...well liked i guess. In the first 2 years of SMKSJ, guess i was still in the limelight for a while. Yup, this is where i was in my first relationship. And these are the years where I wasn't a runner, a Leo president, a state group gymnast. I was neither. I was pretty much a simple girl just like any other inactive student there was. And yes i was well liked. I don't mean to brag, just keep reading and you'll get my point.

After that things changed a bit. I started to take part in runs and won. I got into MSSM gim and won. I gained my first post as Membership Director in form 3. It was this time where I realised no one can have all friends and no foe. To make matters worse, I started to get attracted to members of the opposite sex. haha as in head over heels kinda crushes. In the social field, I guess I was slowing down. But in the activity department however, things got more and more hectic. I got involved in more and more stuff. Olahraga, karate, performances, advertisement? ahahha...yup. Form 4 , July I got appointed as president of Leo. Once again, i added a few more foes to my list. The stress from PMR and SPM didn't help.

Now in college, still actively involved in Leo, it suddenly hit me. Back when I was a nobody, i enjoyed life more. People liked me for me. And i was happy. I don't know when I started to be someone so power crazy. I don't know when I started to want people to like me so much. But as of a couple of hours ago I think I was still that person. But right now, I suddenly see myself from a different perspective. I start to think if the people that currently call themselves my friends like me for me. And the people that respect me in Leo really do respect me. I wonder how many people have backstabbed me since i stepped into college. Well, my question for you readers tonight would be, and pls answer me as honestly as you can, have I changed since primary school or since secondary school(for those who knew me later)? For better or for worse? Am I doing the right thing by getting myslef so involved in things?