Sunday, March 09, 2014

March

Hello again. If you still read my blog, I say thank you very much, and sorry for the very very very infrequent postings. I have obviously too much on my plate right now, and also a fading interest in typing out my personal thoughts. I think I am becoming cold and hollow inside, like everyone else in this age of technology. Because we can create an emotion whenever and wherever we like these days. Want to laugh - go read 9Gag. Want to cry - just listen to the news. Want to feel jealous - scroll down your FB news feed. Want to b*tch about people - do the same. Everything feels superficial, man-made. Nothing ever comes from the heart any more.

I feel like that these days. I feel like my daily mission nowadays is nothing more than "Make more money". I have become one of those people who do their accounts every month end, gasp in disbelief, start to freak out, frantically try to piece together a new plan to save money and make more money simultaneously, and the whole thing repeats itself in a monthly cycle. Fast fading is my passion for sport and outdoor enjoyment.

Training sessions which were once fun things for me to do during the weekend have now become a thing I dread but know I have to execute. It has become "homework". I hate homework. I hate school and academics and anything that forces me to do things I do not like to do. I am starting to get cranky whenever people take sport so seriously. Especially the poor boyfie, who has done no wrong except to want to train and take his sport seriously. That, for some stupid reason, makes me feel like I am not taking things seriously enough and that annoys me. Because from the very get go, I never take my sport this seriously. It was always just an avenue to sweat, burn calories, make friends, go really fast and feel the wind in my hair, and that's it! I never really aimed to better my time, to correct my stroke, to reduce my inefficiencies. I never wanted to play this seriously but somehow, somewhere, sometime ago I got caught in the hype of it all. The kiasuness is intolerable. I have done the bike route of my Putrajaya IM TWICE! My inner hipster triathlete is going Whuuuuuuuttttt?!! Since when, in my 15 years of athleticism, have I ever checked out the route prior to race day. Like NEVER!

But I cannot blame anybody but myself. I am conflicted. On one hand, I have my business, which is my baby at the moment. My top priority. Every decision I make, and everything I do this year have got to do with growing my business. I am dealing with emails, and phone calls, and furniture, and fitness articles and programs and running clinics, and corporate companies, and locksmiths and so many many many things that I am so so so worn out by the end of the day. Mustering the strength to do a 90km bike ride on a Saturday morning just sounds unappealing as it is, what more if I have to go and struggle to keep up with my boyfriend and his friends. My ego has never been stretched this thin. Yet, on the other hand, I know that somewhere deep inside of me I am still that person who wants to succeed. I want to be able to race on 13th of April, and emerge victorious. I'm not looking to win top 3, but I would be extremely disappointed if I failed to complete this race. This damn race which costs me 250 USD.

Why did I sign up for this race? For reasons I still cannot fathom, I signed myself up for a RM650 race. Who the hell spends that sort of money on a damn hobby and then not train for it? Again, it boils back down to money. Or the lack thereof.

Urgh, the pressure! The stress! The regret! I feel it every single day as the day draws closer. What is wrong with me?

Thursday, December 19, 2013

December

So...last post was September. Glorious month for 2013, that one. It was the month I truly felt liberated to run my own show, do my own thing where my career was concerned. Things were going smoothly, money was coming in, life was good.

Now it's almost 4 months later. I think things are still going well, but I haven't really been super happy of late. For starters, I seem to keep getting myself into all sorts of fixes with my friends. And the irony is that they all stem from me trying to do something nice for someone. From that, I somehow find myself either in a heated debate on my principles or, like what I did just yesterday, I end up paying through my nose for a careless careless mistake.

Maybe it is the pressure or stress from shouldering all responsibilities from my business? Or maybe it is just merely the fact that I have been resting my foot, and not running at all, and so I feel like I don't have an outlet. I think it is also the fact that I am DYING to move out and live my own life with my happy, but extremely high maintenance puppy, Milo, and get out of everyone's hair in this house, but I can't because I am not rich enough to buy or even rent a place of my own.

Maybe it is all. I guess this is it la, what everyone has complained about being an grown up, all the responsibilities, the stress, the fear of failure and rejection, the pressure to emerge successful. I am finally weathering this storm called Life and I don't know if I am handling it very well.

Poor Gary has had to endure a couple of my bitch fits because I am too stubborn to listen to any other person. I really should be a better girlfriend.

So, I am a little impatient for the year to end, truth be told. I am quite done with December, I've lost enough money and have only made very little in return. I have lost my head a few times due to the setbacks. I really think I need to manage my life a bit better...

It starts with being completely on my own, I feel. I need my own place. I really do. I am adult enough to make decisions on my own that does not require consent from anyone else.

Thursday, September 05, 2013

And then we have 1 year.

I have been back to Malaysia for more than 2 years now. But officially, my company Kia Kaha Fitness was registered on this day, 5th of September, 1 year ago. =)

Confused rant few days ago aside, I actually am feeling pretty blessed. To have been given this opportunity to blossom as an Entrepreneur. To learn the tricks of the trade, stand on my own two feet, make my own decisions and call my own shots. To meet the many wonderful people that have made me feel so happy to be Karen Siah, Personal trainer and Fitness Instructor, as well as those who showed me the ways to better myself in every way.

I have endless gratitude to my parents and brothers, for without them many of my endeavours would have stopped short. I thank them for every single time they have egged me on. To my boyfriend and all my friends who have put up with my first few training sessions (while having a lack of experience), for those who signed up with me and went through my arduous sessions, I truly appreciate your support =) ALso thanks a million for the recommendations that you have sent my way. I hope to repay you with coffee, pints of Guiness or dinner as often as possible =)

1 year is a milestone, but most definitely nothing to shout about. The journey is just starting and I intend to make it a long and joy-filled one, with many a food for the soul and many a time for laughter :)

Monday, September 02, 2013

I feel bleh.

I think I should start blogging here again. Because I am starting to feel a little bleeehhh. Maybe this is my quarter life crisis. Maybe this is Life as we all know it, but I have not quite accepted it.

I read and see pictures about marathons and runs and races that have past. Friends and acquaintances take part and rave about it. I have this sinking feeling that I should be the one taking part in these runs. I miss doing that and being in the atmosphere of it all. Yet I feel the act of running simply growing stale. I feel like I need to do something else to feed me the same endorphin and adrenaline to stimulate my passion for these things again. But the things I want to do take time and money and I feel like time and money always have better places to be channeled into than my hobbies. Being a grown up sux.

I am jealous. Of friends and peers who can own nice flash cars, buy homes, invest in businesses, get married and plan a family. I don't like trailing behind. I like trendsetting. I like jet-setting. I like telling people about things I have done. I don't like listening in awe.

And what happened to running a marathon in a different country every year? I forgot that little thing called Cost when I made that plan. Why does everything cost so much? I am letting my years slip me by.

Life is good but it isn't really panning out the way I had hoped. Not fast enough at least.

I need more money. I need to have more purpose.

Monday, May 13, 2013

27 is the new awesome.

I'm twenty-friggin-seven years old. To me, that sounds extremely old. Mainly because I had envisioned myself to be married and probably with a kid now. Because at my age right now, my mum already had my big brother.

But when I think about it, I think I am living the best times of my life. Life for me, is pinker than a bed of roses, bluer than the sky on a summer's day, and peachier than peaches. When I laid my head to rest yesterday, completely exhausted from my weekend, I had the widest smile on my face. I fell asleep feeling so amazingly blessed, words won't do it justice.

I mean sure I just had my house broken into about a week ago, and my skin is close to charred from the sun, and I have an ulcer the size of Dumbo in my mouth making it very painful for me to shout, and eat and drink. But I am really happy.

My career is really bringing me places. I am now the new Ambassador for Nike Training Club, representing Nike Malaysia. I met the most amazing girls in fitness, from different nations. I have the most amazing job. My clients are succeeding in their heath goals. I am the fittest and strongest I have ever been in my whole life. I love the way I look and how I owe it all to just doing my job, and loving my job. Jobs, plural, actually. But the gist of it is I am so happy!

My friends, both old ones and new, are the most awesome people. Just because they are always lending their support in any way they can. I know they humour me most of the time, but God, I love them! Always a Whatsapp message away :)

My boyfriend, Gary, is heaven-sent. The most supportive and attentive partner I can dream of having, he makes me feel extremely loved and cared for every single day. He takes it all in, my tantrum should I throw it his way, my odd working hours, my need to constantly train, and sleep, and eat, he just takes it all in and creates an environment so conducive for me and my life. I struck gold the day I met him.I am extremely grateful.

My family never fails to show their support for everything I do. My brothers are the most amazing brothers, keeping track of my activities, and keeping me close to their hearts. My parents have to deal with my erratic lifestyle, exchanging the cars in the driveway for me, washing up my really dirty clothes, humoring me when I talk for hours on end about fitness and people I train.

I hope this never ends. I hope the downhill of all these joyous moments is lightyears from now, and that my life will continue to flourish till the day I die. =) That will be my birthday wish every damn year.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Don't ruin the future!

Children are the future, they say, and I cannot agree more. Children hold the very power to make or break the future, not just theirs in the long run, but also our own in the short run, say 20 odd years from now. I don't think I'll be dead yet so I'd really like to enjoy my not so distant future especially at my golden ages.
I recently visited a semi-privatised high school in KL and the experience I had with these teenagers...let's just say, I felt the need to blog about this the very instant I drove out of the school premises. I have been visiting a good 20-30 schools in this past 2 months, not to mention my 2 years of teaching PE before this, and never had I met such rude and disrespectful 16 year olds - all 368 of them. And this was a reputable school, a so-called "Sekolah Harapan" (Hopeful School).

At the start of our event, I did my usual sharing of knowledge about exercise and burning calories and strength training, and I kid you not, for every question I threw at these kids, I was met with a resounding "NOOO!". It was their favourite answer for everything!

"Guys are you ready for an awesome workout?" "NOOO!"
"Guys any of you are athletes or play sports?" "NOOO!"

Everything! The negativity alone was enough to tick me off. Then we proceeded with the activity. We had asked some of them to carry some picket boards bearing motivational phrases on them to cheer them on. Not 10 seconds into their training run and these kids started throwing these boards around and whacking each other with them! I was apalled! We also had these smartphones on loan to them to try out an app and before we started running one of them already caused a problem with one of the units. When I asked him "What happened, what did you do?" (In a nice polite way of course, not implying anything to him) and he replied "Hang kei maaa, not my fault also!" ("The phone froze, not my fault also"). I tried fixing the app for him and while I did this he said to me "Samsung of course laaaa, not iPhone also!"...

There was absolutely ZERO respect for these equipment that were on loan to them! That wasn't the end. There's more. During the activity, I was counting out the number of push ups for a group of kids, and one of  them had the nerve to swear at me for every count. His words were so crude so I started counting from zero again. And again. And again until I was pleased.

I don't know about you guys but we were a private company visiting their school for the first time to provide them a FREE training session and the way I was brought up, we treated visitors with respect and politeness. Not with disrespect for another person's private property and negativity.

Oh, I should also mention, that for the FIRST time in the past 2 months, the school celebrated the LAST team with roaring applause and laughter. They were SO glad to be the losers, that completely shot my blood past boiling point!

Parents, I am but a humble 27 year old who is single and have not had children. I do not know what it is like to raise a child. But I have BEEN a child, and a teenager and now a working adult. So forgive me for saying this but dear parents, just what sort of attitude are you guys condoning for your kids? To celebrate negativity? To treat others with disrespect? To have no drive and determination to be the winner? Why?

Please teach your children to be respectful and positive men and women. These are the very ones who will be running the country not too long from now. Your children are a reflection of your parenting, whether you like it or not. They are what you taught them to be.