Thursday, June 30, 2005

being vain

my hair currently gives out an eye-opening aroma which is a unique combination of very concentrated ammonia, mixed with the arousing smell of sweat, seasoned with the smell of really dusty and old carpets, and topped with the odour of a mamak stall.

ahha...why the detailed description? i just straightenned my hair. yea so u see i'm not supposed to wash it for 3 days. and today i went climbing at Bukit Gasing (hence the sweaty stench) and i was coaching the Assuntarian little gymnasts (hence the dusty old carpet) hehe...i was supposed to wait till at least it goes below my shoulder, but i couldn't stand it. me hair was already a tie-able length...and thus it was getting out of hand. and the beautiful Malaysian weather doesn't contribute much. so i got it done yesterday. and without a doubt, i LOVE it. haha i always loved straight hair no matter what you all say. :)

ok enough about my vanity. my first coaching experience was quite amusing. firstly my...ahem..."students" were about 7-9 years old. they were adorable. next, they weren't really good at what they were doing, which made me more comfortable, considering i'm neither a qualified coach nor am i some gymnastics star. mrs khaw prepared me pretty well with the list of elements and things to do with little gymnasts. so i had fun teaching them to do things like cat jumps with the rope, polka steps with the ball, throws, arches and stuff. the girls kept asking me if i was coming back next week. and i said no. then they asked "are you coming back next next week? and i said "no" and then they asked "how about next next next week?" and then i started laughing and said "i'm not coming back anymore". haiyo...i actually felt sad to see them look so disappointed.

then it was time to end the class. the little girls stood in one row, they did that gymnast curtsy thing as they crooned "thank you, miss karen". and i went "thank you girls" and all of a sudden, the girls rushed at me and hugged me till i lost my balance! ahahah...i was overwhelmed! sigh...i so wanna be a coach now...:)

next on my agenda today was Bukit Gasing with Keeran and Beatrice. It was cool! Keeran brought us to some new route, and we ended up high up on some hill where we can view to whole of KL! i kept on wondering how cool it would've looked if it was at night. and then i started to ponder about who i'd bring up there to view that sight with me. haha...

*ponders for a while*

dance class was undoubtly fun as usual. the new dance we learnt was sooo cool! so much so i totally forgot to inform them that i won't be there for 2 weeks! oops...and the fact that i have to renew my fees, and get RM10 back from Hui Chia. haha i don't even have hui chia's number. how how?? haha...and i think next next week's evaluation..dratss...

supper with soon seng and jackie was interesting. haha...a funny mix, me, soon seng and jackie. but it was nice to talk to the people i could always rely upon back in the days of school.

alright...i'm done for tonight...tomorrow would be another long long day. i better finish packing tomorrow. haha...g'nitez!

Monday, June 27, 2005


i thought maybe if i laid off blogging for a few days i'd have more interesting stuff to blog about. but i've got nothing much to say. heck, will just blog it all out anyway...bits n pieces from here n there...

SJ10K was pretty fun. however my head was throbbing througout the 10 km. i have no idea why. the headache came on saturday, stayed through till sunday. it was so painful i couldn't sleep. and so painful i couldn't run well the next morning. my 55 minute target wasn't accomplished, thanks to that. did 58:26. oh well...not too bad also la. :) I beat chihui! yay...quite happy la. but she did well too. for the fact she didn't train and all. i got 30th place, which is pretty much the last position to get a prize and a finisher medal. my prize was some mini mini hamper of uncle toby's and Loacker. :) Chihui's dad got 13th! He's so chun!

i have to start packing for Melbourne. I don't know where to start! i dug out my aunty's long johns yesterday. and i found my winter clothes. now all i gotta do is put them all into one big luggage! wondering if i should bring my video cam there. would be a bit troublesome if i have to carry it with me all the while.

yesterday at dinner my mum was telling us about her high school reunion. she met up with some high school friends and one of their teachers. (i think it's so cool btw! we should meet up 30 years down the road!!). anyway, some of her friends were still bachelor girls. and she was telling my dad about it at dinner. and what my dad said kinda frightenned me a bit. he was like "all these people, they set too high standards for themselves. they all want the perfect man. I'm sorryla...they'll never find him". then my mum said that these friends are socialites, they're very active women and had always had many friends and all. then my dad said " yeala, when men are their friends they're ok la. but when men want to get close to them, they close up. they withdraw themselves". sounds pretty familiar to me.

i've always had this withdrawal sympthom whenever someone comes close to me. it's funny though. i mean, i like guys, it's not that i don't. i have had crushes n all. just that they're always on the guys that are not interested in me. and the guys that are? well, once they are it just ruins everything we had before. it's annoying, the way i clam up. actually, i think i know the reason of my behaviour. throughout my life, there was only once where the feeling went both ways, and i was fine by it. i was happy and ecstatic of course! however, that so-called relationship was a bad one. miscommunication can seriously destroy. and ever since then, i've been this way. i've been over-precautious at myself and all. i used to say, i'm happier during the days where i'm liking the guy and the guy doesn't know i exist, than when the truth has been told and everything's out in the open. i get scared.

yet, i seem to spill the truth very often. i always believe in confessing my feelings to the guy that i like. perhaps it is due to all those e-mails which preach the "have no regrets! tell your loved-ones you love them before it's too late" theme. i always told myself, at least he knows and i know what he thinks of it.

could it be that i'm afraid of commitment? i thought that's what guys are for? hehe...i don't know what it is. all i know is that whenever someone wants to be there for me as more than a friend, i freak out, and back away. it's like Runaway Bride, only it's not at the altar. it's at the point much before that. :)

well, hopefully my Richard Gere may chance by, and break thy spell. :)

Friday, June 24, 2005

good ol' shopping

went for good ol' shopping with Lyn today. haha it was nice. i didn't spend all that much. pretty happy with what i got. I can't remember the last time i was in 1 utama. i was there from 11.30 am - 5.30 pm! haha imagine that! 6 hours of shopping! haha of course there was lunch which took up an hour...:) but still...

the funny thing was our main target was the MNG sale. when we reached 1U we saw many ladies walking around with a Mango shopping bag. we were so excited to find Mango and when we saw the big SALE sign we were ecstatic! However, I think i walked around the shop for about half an hour and found nothing suitable! it's just not cheap enough! their clothes are far too plain for the price they're charging. not that the quality was of any better than that of the clothes in other stores. the fashion was totally off! the nice ones are too darn expensive. Lyn tried on some tube tops and found them to be really nice, but a tad too indecent. so we walked out of the place empty handed, and amused by the fact that every woman can find herself things to buy in MNG except us.

walking by Island shop some time later, we saw a mannequin dressed in 2 layers of tube tops and it suddenly gave Shirlyn the idea of wearing them that way. So we headed back into Mango for a second time. The crowd was double by this time. Fitting rooms had a long queue. clothes were strewn all over the place in all the wrong shelves and racks. searching for the tops she tried on were as good as searching for a needle in a haystack. so, after 15 minutes of ransacking through piles and piles of clothes, we walked out of the grand MNG sale once more, empty handed. haha...

we bumped into Khai Yong! He was with his girlfriend. i haven't seen him since the days i'd follow puvesh's class out for lunch during SAM. i totally forgot he knew Eng Han. He didn't know Eng Han was back, so i told him to call Eng Han up. haha...

to sum up my shopping escapade today, i added a pair of khaki draw string pants from FOS to my wardrobe, a pair of funky earrings to my accessories, a Maybeline lipliner, and thankfully, not a very large dent to my wallet. :)

on some other random things, Yong Chihui is running in my category for SJ10K! nooooo! Chihui is the runner of smksj. she was only the idol of my eye when it came to sports. i never forgot the day i witnessed her 4x400m event! she was the 4th runner, her teammates were kinda slacking behind. She took a 4th place to a first place! And it's the fact that she did it with such ease that impressed me. she was good! she climbed Mt Kinabalu at age 12. and that was the first of many other trips she has made to Kinabalu. Her dad's running with my dad. so it's the Siahs against the Yongs this year! May the best runner win!

oh! and Mrs Khaw called me up today. she has something for me to do. she wants me to coach little gymnasts in Assunta for a day! haha that is so cool~! i'm nervous though. how do i coach gymnasts? i'm totally unqualified! and Mrs Rama (the original coach) called me up and told me Sarina Sunderarajah was coaching there too! I am like uber amaetur next to Sarina. How am i gonna coach them without looking like a complete fool even to a bunch of little gymnasts? thank God it's only for a day~! Mrs Khaw better prepare me. I need to go to Villa tmr to get guidance. :)

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Cool Town Junior High

Keryl Leane? Jennifer Tiller? Ring any bells?

haha...i think only those who were in my circle of friends in the year 2002 would know what i'm talking about. heck, i think even they themselves won't recall it. i myself didn't.

on my mission to search for my missing Leo badges (which i still can't seem to find) i stumbled across some pretty interesting stuff. I found lots of gizmos which i was too stubborn to part with, some greeting cards which really touched me, and loads of nonsense which i just failed to discard probably because keeping them would be an easier option. haha...well, among my burried treasures i stumbled across this book. I think Ven Nee gave it to me. i vaguely remember the image of it. But my mind never registered the memory of whatever contents it seemed to hold. how could i have totally forgotten about it?

it was my self authored novel! Well, it was intended to be at least. The first page really caught my eye. It was a list of all the "cast" that were in the story, Cool Town Junior High. They were none other than my friends! The silliest part of it was we all had funky american names!!'s soooo funny....the story was even worse! i had super bad creativity. my sentences vary as much as the lines of a nursery rhyme, my grammar was so-so, my vocabulary was that of a...well, a 16 year old! it's just so hilarious, i wanna laugh out loud at every dumb sentence i wrote back then. which was pretty much every sentence i had in there till chapter 3. i stopped after that. wonder what happened...

anyway, see if you can geuss who's who:
Keryl Leane
Jennifer Tiller
Rachel Joan
Mark De Jeniro
Ethan Spencer
Zoey Leane
Christine Louise
Brian Stampson
Damon Carsillas
Melanie Anders
David Prinze
Mary Hart
Reena Belles
Chloe Wilson
Jean Black
Natsumi Takizawa
Vincent Morris
Kobe Danny
Sean Maxmillon
Justin Jeremy
Lex Nathan

interesting names huh? It's very much based on Sweet Valley i think. Keryl Leane and Zoey Leane are obviously the sisters. Natsumi Takizawa is probably some japanese exchange student. ahhaha...oh and Keryl has a huge crush on Damon, and Melanie on Brian. Mary and David are a couple. i wonder if i ever let anyone read this. some parts of it may be taken to be offensive i think. haha...i don't know....but it's open to everyone right now. just keep an open mind...i was 16! haha

i didn't write long enough to mention every name. so some of the characters i'm still uncertain of their actual role. i wonder what plans i had installed for them at that time. haha....

anyway...i still can't find my badges. I took them off my blazer simply because i loaned my blazer to Cinvin. Where the hell did i put those badges? i vaguely remember Dickson passing them to me in Taylor's. Meaning to say i must've passed them to Cinvin still pinned onto my blazer. She returned them to me in a plastic bag. where issit?? something please jolt my memory!! those badges cost me a fortune~!

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

"what if you get off the next stop?"

picture this:

girl likes guy. guy hasn't a clue. guy likes someone else. girl knows she doesn't stand a chance.

sound familiar? it's so typically school-girlish. it always happened when i was in school. which is sad. why do i always think i don't stand a chance? why don't i always stand a chance? are the guys that i took interest on that highly sought after? anyway, in addition to that, there'll be friends who'd say "you never know, Karen" or "feelings can change wan...don't give up". yea right. feelings don't change from neutral to love. they go the other direction. and as far as i'm concerned, for guys it's either love at first sight...or no love at all. which alternatively means, "this girl's hot, let me try getting her". it's so childish, so immature...the whole really is...

and yet i find myself entrapped in the vicious cycle again. at age 19. could this really be happening to me now? back then, we'd have friends to pass the message around, plan occasional "coincidental bump-intos" and drop super obvious hints to turn the table around. but now that i've reached the age where relationships and love is really been taken's time i took a reality check. i know i don't stand a chance. then why do i go on? being bitten time and time again has only made me realise that it'll lead from one disappointment to another. expectations will be raised and hopes will be crushed. why go through it all? isn't it better to just leave it behind and carry on with life, carefree and obligation-less?

and i'm out of school. not getting mr. right doesn't mean i get to go after mr. right2. there's no longer the next best guy from the class next door to consider. there is, however, the next best guy from somewhere on Planet Earth that may cross my path, hopefully before i reach the age where i'm too old to get married. finding someone right isn't really that easy now that the scope is much wider. not to mention, my requirements are higher as well.

back in school, mr. right was someone whom i could hold long telephone conversations with, an excuse to go to tuition, an excuse to study, a "trophy" when i receive gifts or when i go out to places. now it seems, mr. right is someone i can see myself with for years to come, someone who would take me for me, someone whom i can take him for him, and basically someone i can be myself with without having to try.

honestly, i don't feel so hurt anymore when i can't get mr. right now, then when i couldn't get him then. it's more of an acceptance. could it be that i've gotten wiser? that i'm now able to set reasonable expectations? i don't know. i feel like i'm wiser...yet i'm more confused. i'm uncertain even of my feelings towards him right now. at times i feel like i can love him so much, that i'd probably be totally crushed if i let myself believe that we won't get anywhere. but at other times, i guess i just...believe it. and when i do, all that i feel would just subside. and i no longer feel compelled to be with him.

i've been questioned if i sincerely like him right now. some even used loved. i do for the fact that if things would work out, then i can see myself being loyal and giving my whole heart and everything. but i don't because i'm willing to let go if things doesn't. is that being insincere?

well, like how i answered them, it doesn't matter really. back to the real picture. Girl knows she doesn't stand a chance. so what does it matter, my level of sincerity? i'm heading no where...

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

it's a holi-holiday!

as of now...i have precisely 1 month and 10 days of obligation-free holidays! yeah baby!! i think i didn't exactly do very well during the finals. i think i could've done better. but nope...was too darn lazy to start studying. so i pretty much had about 5-10 hours of studying only for each paper on the day before the exam. about the eleventh hour man! gawd i really need to change this attitude of mine. I just pray that i pass all those papers. i do NOT want to resit any of it. anyway, like Ashwin said, no turning back! Right's a holi-holiday!!

what did i do to so-called celebrate my liberty? i spent close to 1 and a half hours on the train to KL, stayed there for barely 30 minutes, then another 1 and a half hours on a train back to Subang. then i had the much yearned for lunch with my mummy at 2 pm. then, i spent close to 4 hours sleeping my afternoon away! haha oh yea...eng han called to get me to go jogging then swimming in shah alam. I'd love to...but today's Monday! Monday's guest day in Lakeview and i promised i'd go with my dad to swim there. Monday's daddy's girl night. :) so please invite me once more, i promise the next time i'll go! ahah

my dad just exchanged AUD 800 for me. Spending money for melbourne. 800 bucks! gosh...i really really need to get an ATM card. need to repay him the RM400 bucks he gave me for the makeup. i'm starting to regret purchasing the darn makeup. it's so freaking expensive! gawd...i really really hope i get called for shoots n stuff next time.

it's the first day of my semester break and i'm lost for words. literally. i need to get a life.

Saturday, June 18, 2005


not like i really need a diversion from my studies right now. since i was pretty much diverged throughout the day. but heck...

i went shoe shopping today. alone. in pyramid. it's weird. i've never gone shopping alone before. i mean i occassionally walk away from my parents if we go to some mall or something, but i've never actually driven myself alone to a place with the primary intention to shop. anyway, i bumped into Suet Wen. which was greaat! especially when she said she was free and could accompany me for as long as i wanted her to! aha! she gave pretty constructive comments on the heels i was trying out. so i finally got my 3 inch stilletos! ahahah...

then she brought me to see Melisa Othman. I wasn't exactly very keen to see her, since she wasn't very fond of me back in school. but i guess it was all in the past and we can all act like mature civilised pre-adults. hehe...she was working in Yves Rocher. And she looked pretty good. Still fair, prim and dainty as she was before. :) She just got out of matriks. Thinking of doing some science degree next time.

then we had Coffee Bean. yumm...i had the new Pomegranate Blueberry Ice Blended with Choc swirl cheesecake. I so pampered myself today. Not that i deserved it. haha...but it was nice catching up with suet wen.

then i watched You Got Mail. Vcd...julie's. it was my idea. i had this sudden craving for a romantic movie. haha...anyway, it was nice. left me with the whole siggghhhhhh feeling. haha....after that we adjourned to Rafi's where we had plans to meet up with Jackie! Mei Huei, Wen Ching and Kuan Han was there as well. We dragged Siew Ghee out too. Also another productive catching up session.

and now i'm back home....contemplating if i should redeem myself by starting my IS revision like i told my mum i would. haha i am kinda sleepy. seela...if i sleep now maybe i can wake up tomorrow to do some.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

part of your world

I don't know when...
I don't know how...
But i know something's starting right now...
what would i be...wish i could be...
part of your world...

for as long as i've known you
i don't think i've ever felt this way
just feeling the way that i do
and what more, almost everyday

i've never had to think twice
before i utter my words to you
i've never had to put on a disguise
before i show up in front of you

i've never had to worry how i act
just so you'd think that that's me
i've never had to fret over how to react
once you start to talk to me

but then again...

i've never wanted to talk to you
for the umpteenth time of the day
i've never wanted to listen to you
to all that you have to say

i've never wanted to see you
any more than i do now
i've never tried to picture me and you
i've never wondered how

i've never wanted to say to you
things i've never thought i'd say
i've never wanted to be with you
more and more each day


i've never felt such insecurity
about the way you feel about me
i've never felt such worry
should you go for someone else but me

i've never felt so disappointed
when you mention another name
i've never felt so frustrated
when things didn't seem the same

i wasn't supposed to blog. but i was surfin around...refusing to hit my Law book coz i have a one day break tomorrow to do that, and i checked the clock...11.45 pm. so early! i have nothing else to do! people have already started to go offline. who i wanted to talk to isn't talking to me. i even helped a friend fix his blog. what else is there to do? hehe...

anyway, i've got 2 more papers to go!! one on Thursday and one next Monday! haha...can't wait till it's over. i really really don't know how i went through SPM last time. 10 subjects, over 15 papers, month long exam...gawd how did i survive? haha now 4 papers and i'm whinning...:)

Sunday, June 12, 2005

medically trashed!

Had the MAPCU road relay this morning...and i have to say, i totally underestimate the level of sports in Colleges. i was pretty psyched about it, thinking we may have a chance at winning....but little did we know every college had their share of long legs and toned muscles. haha

and of all the teams we had to lose to, we lost to IMU. IMU sent 2 teams, and we got trashed by both of 'em. i say, the future of our health rests in very good hands :) the funny thing was after they announced the winners, the mc had the cheek to say "Short announcement: May all runners of IMU please proceed to the back of the hall for a urine test". haha...u never know what those medical marvels concocted to boost their speed!

and the last runner of IMU? the one who brought the team their gold medals? He was hot. He was tall and handsome. he was built! His arms were fully toned. His legs were so muscular! gosh! he wasn't beefy, he was just extremely fit! i personally admit that i couldn't take my eyes off him as he grazed the finish line with his long strides! I soooo wanted a picture of him but apparently i wasn't the only one. Girls swooned after him, and camera crews from malaysia college and malaysia today press were hovering around him. it was pretty impossible to get to him. darn it! haha

well, i'll have to find out who he is. see if my pals in IMU could source him out for me! ahhaha hey, i just want to get to know another runner. :)

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This is Tawfig and Mustaffa from Sunway college. When i saw them, my hopes were diminished by half! ahahah....darn it metro...why don't they give scholarships to elite runners like these!!

here's the results:
1. IMU 1
2. Sunway
4. IMU 2
5. Metropolitan

Least we trashed Inti! ahaha...

Saturday, June 11, 2005

roaring silence

i have a roaring silence in me. things are scattered around my mind, twisting and turning into perceptions and impressions, screaming out to be told, to be out of the system. but no can do. so what do i do? i exit msn. i turn off the computer. i hit the books. page after page i run my eyes through, trying my best to soak up as much information as i can. and what do i get in the end? zilch. nothing. i can't even remember the last sentence i read. my mind's saturated. and the more i thought the more i was starting to lose it. i was drawing my own conclusions from itsy bitsy stuff which makes absolutely zero sense, that i have concocted my very own feelings of which i have no way of describing. hypothetically, my head's about to burst.

so i run. i pounded fast and hard. easing away the tension with every bead of sweat that forms on my temple. i wipe them away. yup...wiping them away gets rid of them. of all the whys and whats and whos and whens and hows. and i breathe. sucking in clean air, cleansing the doubts and the confusion, ditching them away with one great puff. and i sprint. i sprint to run away, to escape. i sprint to focus, to push aside other matters, just focus on increasing the speed, moving faster. and then i stop. and for a short moment, i felt light as a feather. for a split second, when my lungs burned and my heart pounded, i felt pure.

and then it all came back. dropping down on me like bricks. weighing me down. but it's more organised now. things are now arranged. my mind has a system now. a system that will allow me to choose what to think of. and so i'm calm. still silent. but serene.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

*head over feet*

I want to get a tattoo. I want one on the side of my right leg just above my ankle, facing out. It shall be some swirly twirly font which forms a sophisticated word which represent me in a nutshell. which I'm yet to find. If not then i'll just settle for my own name. then if possible i'd like another one on my left leg, just above my ankle facing in. this shall be some chinese writing of that sophisticated word, or my own name. it'll be an either or situation. Like say if on my right leg it's my name, then on my left leg it'll be that sophisticated word. and vice versa. :)

reason being, 2 of my dance classmates got themselves a tattoo each. actually that's just the reason of my typing it out tonight. I've always wanted a tattoo. and i've always liked Mel C's ni li. But then that's too old school already so i figured something more posh and modern. any idea what may just shout out Karen Siah in one word??

anyway, my house was like some rendezvous just now. haha so good to see Mr. Ng after so long! and i can finally place a vision to everything Kimmy mentioned. haha well thanks for dropping by eng han! and thanks siew ghee for being such good accompaniment.

after that Ju came to pass me some magazines for my modelling class homework. Then Weng Lum, Daniel and Han Yang came to collect 25 bucks from moi! haha Daniel drove!! you know what's funny about the whole situation? i just felt like looking at those 3 boys, shake my head caringly and go "tsk tsk tai kor zhai lorr". reason being I used to fetch them like all the time. including Kenny. and now they're driving to my house! ahahha...

went to Hua's house for short tete a tete. and now I'm back, downloading past yr papers, intending to at least attempt them tonight, since tomorrow morning's training is pushed to the afternoon.

so wish me luck! no...actually wish me will power and determination! :)

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

i love my daddy...

haha still can't believe i was in debt for 3 month's subscription fees to Streamyx. it's funny coz my family pretty much never forgets to pay. i'm serious. even with the multiple tuition i had back in school, and the amount of activities i participated in, and the amount of commitments i involve myself in, my mum keeps track of all fees incurred. maybe paying the Streamyx bill is the one and only responsibility she laden me with and see how that turned out! ahah...kk...shall be more bertanggungjawab from now on. :)

i have 5 days left till finals! ahhhh!! i haven't even touched a single page in my Econs. a single page in any book for that matter! how many times have i set the alarm at 8 to wake up n study and how many times did i switch it off and fall right back into deep slumber under the covers. tsk tsk...curse the pathetic will power in me. i better not screw this up...RM40,000 worth of scholarship at stake.

i watched When Harry Met Sally that day. It's a beautiful story. Love it so much! Billy Crystal was hilarious! and Meg Ryan was so beautiful. I think that is my 2nd favourite romantic comedy. First is none other than Serendipity of course. so i'm a sucker for romance. I love it when 2 people are just right for each other. It makes everything seem like God has someone for eveyone. :)

then just now i watched MXP - Most Xtreme Primate. it's a pretty simple story but the chimp's so cute! i think if i ever get myself a pet, it would be a chimp! ahah wouldn't it be great? they're so cute! top this 100% fully non-sensical post, let me enlighten you with my modelling class endeavours so far. the first class was interesting. i have 3 pages filled with what sorta corrector kit to purchase, sketches of the make up brushes i need, sketches of my 3-inch stilletos, and how to conceal eye bags. haha this is so not me! but i'm having fun anyway. then on monday Ju accompanied me there again, though i left her in Times Square. I went for a make up consultation. To see what sort of colours i should get and all. And the total sum was RM600!! hey, this is the 3rd price she quoted me, after slashing out certain not-so-necessary products. It's crazy. I paid her RM200 for deposit and that was the pit of my money box. no more cash for the rest of June.

Didn't really dare tell my parents about it, but i eventually spilled everything out. They reacted rather calmly, with minimal gasps at first. Then my dad gave me RM350 on the spot. i feel so bad for taking his money. Thank God, i didn't use his credit card to buy him his own Father's Day present, which was the Trump book entitled How To Get Rich. The next day he gave me RM50 again.
I hereby vow to pay him back RM400 cash in kind when i have the ability to do so...or forever shall i be in debt to him.
I love my daddy...:)

Monday, June 06, 2005

what if

after reading Ben's post on all his what ifs i myself got a little nostalgic. Thinking about life, I think mine would've turned out very much differently if not for a lot of things that i did or did not do. Here's my what if list.

what if i decided to follow lyn...i really wanted to enter SU coz of how close i was to Lyn.

what if i hadn't joined the prefects...i mean our ties were called dog ties for a reason, and i was all against that reason

what if i hadn't protested to be out of the Prefectorial BOD...i still think they were being very unfair, but i had not thought that my actions were at the expense of my own mother.

what if i hadn't sent that email to S...he was with wei li, and i knew that my doing so would just spoil everything

what if i hadn't neglected ju...i was somehow caught up with other things that i was barely paying any attention to my own best friend

what if i hadn't ended everything with S...he was a great guy, i just didn't know how to appreciate it.

what if i hadn't quit being a prefect in form 3...i did somehow promise Mr teoh that i would go on till form 5

what if i hadn't pulled out of choral speaking...i didn't want Ju to be left out.

what if i hadn't agreed to F...i knew i wasn't ready to commit whole heartedly but i went on anyway

what if i had spoken to him and hung out with him more....i think during my install i was kinda too harsh by hiding away in that room pretending to help count the money

what if i hadn't written that silly break up letter...i still can't believe i didn't even have the guts to pass it on my own

what if i hadn't started chatting with H every was PMR year afterall, but yet i was online every night

what if i never opened my mouth, trying to make the first move...H probably wouldn't have misunderstood, and we probably would've been together?
i think this is my biggest what if that probably will never be resolved...

what if H never moved to Melaka...i think we would've had more time to sort things out, and end things on a better note

what if i hadn't gone for tracy's new year's eve party...i still think dancing with H was the best thing that has ever happened to me

what if i never gone on that jungle trekking trip with K...i probably wouldn't have seen him in a different light

what if i hadn't got the courage to call K in the middle of the night....i still remember that all he wanted to know was whether i liked him or not...and i said no...

what if i hadn't started to fall for P...sometimes i feel i did that coz i knew he was still into me

what if i let him spoke first, the day i knew he was about to ask me...i cut him off by telling him i was still interested in H, so he didn't have to be so ashamed. and that was the end of my heartbreaking times...i swore never to break another's heart

what if C hadn't broken the ice in accounts tuition...i somehow didn't dare to talk to him though i found him cute

what if C never invited me into the chat with R in it...initially i was supposed to be interested in D coz he rock climbs...or at least C thought that i would hit it off with D

what if i never fell for R....and go through that period of poem writing emotional turmoil.

what if R was interested in me like they said he was...i really thought he was...

what if i never went out with R and his friends...i felt so happy to be with him and click with his friends...

what if i had someone else as my prom date...i don't think i would've rekindled the old flame

that's a lot of what ifs. that's from form 1-5. I think everything i did in the past were pretty dumb actually. i would recount the times and just resist slapping myself for being so naive. but then everything happens for a reason rite? i just hope no one actually holds a grudge against me till now.


what if he never started talking to me during my bluest times recently...he'd probably still be just another friend to me

Thursday, June 02, 2005

on a more serious note

I feel like you've always been special to me
though I've never been sure why
I feel as though you're able to see what I see
and throughout my life u've helped me get by

I had always thought we'd be good together
seasoned by what others think as well
I thought if only we'd have the chance to be with each other
it'd be something upon which both would dwell

but yet things did not work out as I expected
though every opportunity was well in place
it occurred to me that our similarities collided
and everything seemed more like a race

would say that I wanted too much out of it
somehow or other I wasn't quite satisfied
soon I lost interest bit by bit
until it ended one day, and all I thought was "I've tried"

however years after much was forgotten
or rather they were meant to be
things became less blurry and more certain
and much more of it made sense to me

once in a while I start beating myself up
when I think of how selfish I was then
a spark of guilt would just erupt
thinking of how I used to just pretend

much have changed in both you and I
many separate paths we have both trodden
yet thoughts of you would occasionally come by
even thoughts of what seemed to be forgotten

and it makes me curious if you should get them too
it makes me wonder if I've crossed your mind
and the more I think of me and you
the more I'm drawn closer to you, I find

falling for you is something I don't intend to do
for I feel the chances I have are but little
but should I find myself smitten by you
I could only hope for it to be mutual

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

101 things about Karen Siah

hahah...Ju, u started a trend! Read what Julie had to say. Then read Rajan's rendition. After that read mine. :)

1. I think i've been to only 2 continents. Asia and Australiasia?
2.I've been to every state in Malaysia. Mum's Pn Yeo the Geog teacher.:)
3. I love travelling. period.
4. I used to get motion sickness on the way to Raub. Think i grew out of it. I get sick from swinging now.
5. I love driving.
6. I have the worst sense of direction.
7. My parents remind me by wondering which side of the family i got it from.
8. I never really liked ballet because it's related to pink girly girls in tutus. Don't think so anymore tho.
9. I wear glasses too.
10. I wear my contacts for convenience as the primary reason. Beauty is secondary.

11. I never used to wash my face with facial products back then and i apparently had flawless skin (ask Anne. she commented it). Now i do and pimples are sprouting. go figure.
12. I don't use make up...for no special occassions.
13. I've been to zouk...with Julie
14. But I've never been clubbing. At least not at a real club. Did a bit of dancing under a disco ball to techno during Leo Forums.
15. I've never done drugs and i've never smoked a cigarette.
16. It's okay to drink, but I don't like the idea of drunkards. I personally, can't drink.
17. I h-a-t-e smokers.
18. Will never think of dating one.
19. My first crush was my neighbour. I was 5. and i told my mum about it.
20. He was my kindergarten, primary 1,2 and 3 classmate. He fell for my best friend in Primary 3.

21. I love kids. Especially those between the age of 1-3.
22. Built guys are cute to me. *wink*
23. The first two guys I really liked weren't the first 2 guys I called my boyfriend.
24. I love taking pictures. Both behind and in front of the camera.
25. I love looking at pictures. Especially my own. Sue me.
26. "My boyfriend" is yet to happen.
27. "He" shall be toned and sporty. Hopefully.
28. I give in very easily to very few things. (ask weng lum to testify)
29. My eyebrows are barely there. They're natural.
30. They're the same as everyone in my family.

31. I have a red birth mark below my left eye.
32.People notice. They think i'm bleeding.
33. I sleep too much. The only time i don't get anough sleep is when assignments are due.
34. I'm a very last minute person. To a certain degree.
35. The first time I watched Jerry Maguire,I thought "i don't think i'm supposed to watch this". That was during the sex scenes.
36. Tom Cruise is now and has always been one of my all-time favourite movies stars.
37. Unless Jon Johnsson starts acting.
38. I get terrible mood swings once in a while.
39. They usually happen when i'm super stressed but i try not to show it.
40. At that time, i may just start crying.

41. I used to have terrapins named after Ninja Turtles. They were let go at the lake. Then I had white mice. They were killed by being dropped too many times from high levels. Blame the neighbours. Then I had fighting fishes. Died coz i forgot to put the cardboard slip back inbetween the glasses. Then I had hamsters. Died via various deaths. Then I had chickens. They were overfed. Gave them to my grandmother.
42. She cooked them for Chinese New year.
43. Everyone ate it during the reunion dinner.
44. Once, my uncle lived with me and he had a dog named Boxer. It was a boxer.
45. I love animals. Warm blooded ones.
46. I'm said to be not so ticklish. (ask ashwin. he's tried)
47. I find it very hard to let go of certain things. Books are not included.
48. I have never cried when I watch sad movies.
49. F.R.I.E.N.D.S is my favourite TV show. It makes me want to be Rachel.
50. Never been to any American/European country

51. My PC lags too much.
52. I can talk a lot. Usually the talker when Julie's the listenner.
53. I find that i share my feelings rather easily with my friends. With my family however, it's a different thing.
54. I love food. Period
55. I think I'm a Jack of all trades but a master of none.
56. I speak Hokkien. It doesn't sound that bad.
57. I try to speak cantonese and mandarin too. But my mother tongue is English.
58. I understand a bit of every dialect. I try to.
59. I've seen and touched snow in Korea. But there wasn't enough to even make a snowball.
60. I love being outdoors. Beaches, parks, gardens, playgrounds, forests, mountains.

61. Rainy days make me wonder around my house helplessly. I hate being restless.
62. Then I pray for Astro to start working again.
63. I dont mine reading. Fearless is my favourite.
64. I read more heart touching stories now. Like A Child Called It by Dave Pelzer.
65. Family is very very important to me. However we need our spaces.
66. I have quite close cousins. But not in a "hang out at the mall" kinda way.
67. I still wished they chose me for National Service.
68. I love looking at the stars in the sky. Lying flat on the floor.
69. OBS is so far the place with the most beautiful star-covered sky i've ever seen.
70. So mind-transcending.

71. English has always been my favourite subject.
72. I wish i have English now.
73. I love surprises.
74. I love the idea of gifts without reason.
75. I believe the struggle for financial freedom is fair. The struggle for freedom itself isn't.
76. Good song lyrics are poems i wished i wrote.
77. People often relate to them and I'd like to be the person they relate to.
78. Which is why if i don't become a lyricist i want to be a motivational speaker.
79. I suffer from short term memory lost. My dad thinks it's all a matter of priority.
80. The sweetest thing a guy has done for me is wait for me for almost a year. They told me he was a player. He ended up being my first.

81. I love San Fransisco's extreme mocha.
82. Anything cheesy makes me happy.
83. Secret recipe's Oreo cheesecake rox!
84. I have a female's ego.
85. The people online are being neglected by me.
86. Because i usually do that when I'm blogging.
87. Which is why i usually blog either late late at night, or in the afternoon when the only person who would msg me is my dad from work.
88. I'm online too often too.Blame streamyx.
89. I somtimes wish I was in charge of the bill.
90. But unfortunately I can't afford it.

91. I was nicknamed "water tank" when I was a child.
92. I prefer to shop with only Shirlyn.
93. That never happened since she got with Jin Aun.
94. Didn't quite stop me from shopping tho. Do that with my mum now. But that's rare.
95. I love spending on people that I'm close to.
96. My mum has very dominant genes.
97. I look exactly like her.
98. I have size 6.5 feet.
99. I went all the way to KL that day. Going again tomorrow. Again on Friday, and very often from now on.
100. I have a lot of running training to do.

101. I'm very much loved.

can't believe

i was gonna settle for a poem but i'm too excited to think of rhyming words...

this morning i went for the trial run in Technology Park Malaysia, which is where Apiit is. The MAPCU road relay distance is 2.5km per runner, but the route was hilly and pretty challenging. And my teammates? well i kinda expected better. But maybe on that day they'll perform...under pressure maybe? haha...i just hope that fitness first guy can run well. we have got to bag something for Metro!

in the afternoon i went with my gurl Ju to KL. Of course there was Matthew and Tee Tzin who surprisingly tagged along spontaneously. haha...quite funny la. anyway we went via KTM and Monorail. Went to Jalan Raja Chulan because i had some modelling audition to go for. yea u can start laughing now. :)

so i went! TFS Creative. that's the agency. It's a talent firm she says. I went for an interview. she showed me a really amazing portfolio. then she explained everything to me. apparently i was selected to be groomed. yes. here's the deal.
- 6 class course. 1.5 hours per class. all on saturdays.
- it's FOC. apparently they're sponsoring me RM2000 for the course.
- if i skip just ONE class i have to pay them RM2000.
- the only thing i have to provide myself with (in other words pay for myself) are 3 things.
1. casual clothes. this shouldn't be a problem. my cupboards full of it.
2. a 3 inch pair of stilletos
3. make up. not just any kind. camera shooting kind. which means thick make up. thick expensive make up. in fact, they already stated the brands i have to get them from, and it's gonna cost me about 350-800 bucks. i forgot the brand names btw.
- i get a cert at the end of the 6th class and i can get myself modelling jobs with it.
- i'll be TFS's free lance model

yea...i personally think it's a good bargain. coz their portfolio? they had copies of receipts there which states how much they pay their clients and non is less than RM3000! for just a photoshoot! if it's a TV commercial, then it is RM8000-RM11000. talk about big cash! all i got to do is land myself one photoshoot offer and it would be enough to cover all my costs plus spending money!

1. it's in KL. which means i'll have to either drive there (expensive parking, cost of petrol) or sit the train there like i did today (it's RM7.40 in total to and fro per day. which adds up to ~RM45 for 6 days) only i'll be alone.
2. the makeup. why should make up cost so much?? i dunno. mum and dad already gave me the green light. I'm very keen also. who wouldn't be? haha but then again, people advising me to check out more about the company and stuff. i will i will. but if all's good, and there really is no strings attached, do u think it's a good offer?