what if

after reading Ben's post on all his what ifs i myself got a little nostalgic. Thinking about life, I think mine would've turned out very much differently if not for a lot of things that i did or did not do. Here's my what if list.

what if i decided to follow lyn...i really wanted to enter SU coz of how close i was to Lyn.

what if i hadn't joined the prefects...i mean our ties were called dog ties for a reason, and i was all against that reason

what if i hadn't protested to be out of the Prefectorial BOD...i still think they were being very unfair, but i had not thought that my actions were at the expense of my own mother.

what if i hadn't sent that email to S...he was with wei li, and i knew that my doing so would just spoil everything

what if i hadn't neglected ju...i was somehow caught up with other things that i was barely paying any attention to my own best friend

what if i hadn't ended everything with S...he was a great guy, i just didn't know how to appreciate it.

what if i hadn't quit being a prefect in form 3...i did somehow promise Mr teoh that i would go on till form 5

what if i hadn't pulled out of choral speaking...i didn't want Ju to be left out.

what if i hadn't agreed to F...i knew i wasn't ready to commit whole heartedly but i went on anyway

what if i had spoken to him and hung out with him more....i think during my install i was kinda too harsh by hiding away in that room pretending to help count the money

what if i hadn't written that silly break up letter...i still can't believe i didn't even have the guts to pass it on my own

what if i hadn't started chatting with H every night...it was PMR year afterall, but yet i was online every night

what if i never opened my mouth, trying to make the first move...H probably wouldn't have misunderstood, and we probably would've been together?
i think this is my biggest what if that probably will never be resolved...

what if H never moved to Melaka...i think we would've had more time to sort things out, and end things on a better note

what if i hadn't gone for tracy's new year's eve party...i still think dancing with H was the best thing that has ever happened to me

what if i never gone on that jungle trekking trip with K...i probably wouldn't have seen him in a different light

what if i hadn't got the courage to call K in the middle of the night....i still remember that all he wanted to know was whether i liked him or not...and i said no...

what if i hadn't started to fall for P...sometimes i feel i did that coz i knew he was still into me

what if i let him spoke first, the day i knew he was about to ask me...i cut him off by telling him i was still interested in H, so he didn't have to be so ashamed. and that was the end of my heartbreaking times...i swore never to break another's heart

what if C hadn't broken the ice in accounts tuition...i somehow didn't dare to talk to him though i found him cute

what if C never invited me into the chat with R in it...initially i was supposed to be interested in D coz he rock climbs...or at least C thought that i would hit it off with D

what if i never fell for R....and go through that period of poem writing emotional turmoil.

what if R was interested in me like they said he was...i really thought he was...

what if i never went out with R and his friends...i felt so happy to be with him and click with his friends...

what if i had someone else as my prom date...i don't think i would've rekindled the old flame

that's a lot of what ifs. that's from form 1-5. I think everything i did in the past were pretty dumb actually. i would recount the times and just resist slapping myself for being so naive. but then everything happens for a reason rite? i just hope no one actually holds a grudge against me till now.

lastly...

what if he never started talking to me during my bluest times recently...he'd probably still be just another friend to me