Saturday, April 30, 2005

* h e *

he shall love to run
or play a sport or two
he shall not mind the sun
or walking far distances too

he shall write me poetry
or at least he shall try
he shall recite them sportingly
no he shall not be shy

he shall not buy me flowers
but instead handpick them
surprises, thoughtfulness he showers
on me, and he'll show wisdom

he shall attempt cooking up
a dish of my favourite kind
and little details that i fess up
he shall keep in mind

he shall drop by when he's free
without a message or a call
just coz he knows it surprises me
and i wouldn't mind at all

he shall be ever encouraging
in all the things i do
and he should be ever knowing
i'd do the same for him too

he shall joke to make me laugh
and he wouldn't even have to try
he shall help me with all my stuff
and he wouldn't even ask why

and i shall have no difficulty
in loving a guy such as he
because most importantly
he shall love me for me
hehe...i was cracking my head for a nice humble way to put it but somehow i just lack the appropriate words. so i'm just gonna thicken my skin up a bit and declare that i just got the Star EduFund!!'s something to be proud of right?

was very surprised to get it since i was talking a bunch of crap during the interview but if i was able to convince all voices down to the Perception of Truth. :) anyway, i have a few things to consider though. i'm weighing out the pros and cons of accpething the fund. first of all, i think it's for the 3+0 course. So if i take it, it means byebye Curtin, Perth for me. And it also means no majoring in PR as well, since PR's not offered here in full. So i might have to switch majors and i'm not exactly known for doing well in something i dun really like. But anyhow, by accepting it, i save my parents roughly RM45000 worth of tuition fees. which is a hefty sum to be rid off their burden pile. so yea, i might have to sit down and discuss it with my parents. :)

my neighbour got robbed yesterday. 2 houses away from mine. apparently, according to my maid, the robbers had saws. and they left just before i came home from college. that scared the living daylights out of my mum coz she thinks that i could've been held hostage by them or my car could've been stolen and i could've been hurt in the process. so right now my house is like this high security zone with all doors fully locked at any time of the day. my maid is pretty scared since she's alone at home in the mornings most of the time. sigh...not a safe place to live in anymore. i wanna move to Perth!

i really have no idea what to blog about. I think i should just retire for the night...

Thursday, April 28, 2005

* tears are forming *

have u ever felt so stressed up that u feel like crying? as in literally, not figuratively. Like u can feel the tears welling up, your nose getting stuffier and your throat twisting tighter? and you have no apparent reason apart from just "i can't take it anymore!"?

i was this close to breaking down just now. all over a stupid accounting question based on break-even selling price. i had my brother explaining it to me over and over again via msn messenger, and for everytime i could not get him (which was pretty much everytime), i felt more and more compelled to just give in to defeat. i was so stressed up and the due date just kept taunting me. And as i struggled to remain my composure, and my focus on my brother's explanation, i couldn't help but worry about the outcome of this. what if i did not manage? failed to cope? or just failed? one thing lead to another. i started thinking of my econs assignment and my Law exam which by a twist of fate all happen to be due on the same day. It's crazy! next thing i knew i was sobbing profusely, fogging up my spectacle lenses.

well, i feel lousy at the moment, but at least i finally got what my brother was trying to get through to me. that counts for something. and i've stopped crying...

just the other day i was talking about ex's and whether or not an ex counts as someone slightly more special than the rest. this is me. i happen to feel a little different when i'm around my ex or an ex-crush (the serious ones la). i treat them a little differently also. it doesn't mean i still have feelings for them. it's just that all the memories of having someone care for me so much and actually being in a relationship at a certain point in time just stays carved into my memory bank. i'll never forget those times. so when i come face to face with that person, i can't help but revoke all these memories again. even if it wasn't much, considering my erratic feelings then. i just have a soft spot for these guys. so, i wondered, if i have such concern for these guys that have trodden the same path as i once upon a time, do they feel the same way about me? when i meet these people, when i'm around, or when i message them or call them. do they go like "it's karen" or just "oh it's just karen"? do i count as someone special to them, or just another female aquaintence. i got so worked up over that issue that i just had to figure out. I asked some guy friends of mine and my conclusion is, they do. guys actually do have a soft spot for their ex-girlfriends or ex-crushes. as long as the relationship was a significant one. my guess is it's like Rachel and Ross from Friends. Though they break up, they never really stopped caring for each other (which eventually they admits to be love but that's in the end la). Ross just felt like he had an obligation to have Rachel's permission to start dating again, and Rachel had this heavy feeling about telling Ross she had to leave. They're just a bit more special to each other. :)

anyway, even after finding out from my guy friends, i'm still not fully satisfied. something in me makes me want to find out from him himself. This him refers to 3 particular people actually.

of course, this sorta topic of conversation wouldn't just stop there after i get what i want. the guys i consulted started asking me if i would get back with him again, should he develop feelings for me again. now, how would i know? that all would have to depend i guess, on whether or not i'm available at that time. but, should i stay single that long (heaven forbid), and this person i'm so fond of starts caring for me like he used to back then, i guess there will be a 50/50 chance of me saying yes. but like i would i know?

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

[ one step further ]

it was amazing how they moved
their feet, to every beat of the song
it was as if they were connected
and felt that they belonged

it was amazing how they glowed
with the zest on their faces
they just seemed to enjoy every bit
and the blues left no traces

it was hypnotizing how they kept to their rhythm
with concentration and focus in mind
it was as if what they did, they did for themselves
and that keeps them going in line

it was enlightenning how their eyes shimmer
with pure satisfaction from within
it was as though the work out worked wonders
like they've cleansed themselves clean

right now it just amazes me how much more
my feelings have grown towards my dream
now, more than ever, i can see myself as one of them
nothing can stop my will, now it seems...

Read this:
I'm gonna work in a fitness centre and then i'll be a proud owner of a fitness centre which caters for young and old!

Monday, April 25, 2005

* thank u! *

Hail the rebirth of my PC! hahah...

note: this is actually just a nbtd diversion from my law homework :)

I'd like to express my heartfelt gratitude to some particular parties who have helped me regain the use of my PC.

~ Julie Kuan, for searching for the Windows XP CD and lending it to me on such short notice.

~ Cheah Soon Seng, for taking the trouble to research my problem on the www and sending me that oh-so-useful website.

~ Ng Kok Ben, for offering your services even if it meant squeezing into your tight schedule only to have me cancelling it in the end.

~ Ashwin, for offering to get me that CD as well as some useful tips.

~ Han Yang, for replying my messages and also giving suggestions in the midst of the whole getting-back-to-college thing. thank you all! :)

[ grieving over my loss ]

haha...nah it's nothign gotta do with previous post. i simple lost my pc due to my own carelessness and smartness. now i gotta deal with the remorse of knowing that i caused the death of my own pc, and not being able to revive it, and of course not being able to use it...boohoo!!! hehe...

currently in Metro library, making use of my computer notebook facility for the very first time. this is so cool. coz i get to have my own notebook. only thing is i can't bring it out la...but hey, it beats having to wait for one.. :) how did i end up here?

well, i was sitting in class just now, patiently waiting for Ms Choong to come in. In comes another girl, and she was like "I thought i was late" and he exchanged smiles. Then another comes in and said "isn't it already pass 9.30 am?" and we exchanged smiles again. but no one had a clue why nobody was in class. seriously, i think we were all quite dumb. haha so we 3 girls sat patiently in econs class, and for some reason, each at different corners of the class. then comes in a young gentleman, and he went "eh why you all still sitting in the class?" and with a flick of a finger he pointed at the notice on the door. Class has been cancelled due to emergency medicaleave by Ms Choong KY. smartass. the stupid thing was all 3 girls walked thru the other door. so Jason being our hero for today, started walking out the class, his laughter echoed in the air. drenched in embarassment, the 3 of us took off, separate ways, and i ended up here. :)

i really hope my poor pc gets fixed tonight. the worry is affecting my brainsss....

k...i should get to work...The area of law discussed in this question is......

Saturday, April 23, 2005

[ g u i l t ]

"yesterday you went too far, karen"
"i told myself, today i'll cry myself to sleep"

what i anticipated to be a voice raising debate between myself and my two parents this morning, turned out to be worse than that. it was nothing like that. there were no raised voices, everything was subtle. there wasn't a debate since i kept quiet pretty much all of the time. and there weren't even two parents. there was just my mum. and all i had to do was listen.

hearing my mum say the things she said had pierced me even deeper than what i could have expected. her words were not at all menacing, not at all hateful. instead they were honest and sincere, and it made me want to shrink to 1/100th of my size and crawl into a crack somewhere. and i was beyond guilty conscious. i was a wreck. i was so ashamed that i couldn't bring myself to look at her. and as she asked me questions, simple straightforward questions which somehow i could not produce an answer, i found myself with no other choice. i was silent when she started talking to me. i was silent even as she left the room. and that was when i wept...

[ why the gender segregation ? ]

sometimes i think my mum wishes i was born a son! Seriously. She's just impossible to get at times and somehow i think this issue is only faced by me. and what am i? the only daughter in this perfect little Brady-bunch family! grr...she just makes me so frustrated sometimes! and the fact that she bombards me with high sounding, bombastic words which have the ability to twist and turn in a way that it points to my fault does not help! It is always my fault when Mummy's the opposition team. Mummy never loses!

i came home just now and she was all about me coming in late again. Fine. then she went on about how girls should know how to come home earlier. argh....but fine. but the last straw that broke the camel's back was when she got upset over me not saying Thank You. What? In the first place, i didn't even ask her to stay up for me. And it's not that I don't appreciate it. I do. But during the past times, I used to go "Hie Ma! Thanks!" with a cheery face and all she did was just ignore the smiles and start bombarding me with questions which seem to increase in volume and speed as she rattles along, never failing to leave me dumbfounded at the end.

So this time, i decided to just smile and assume that I did everything right because I stood up and said I needed to go home (she always claims I don't dare make a stand when i'm with my friends and i just follow along), and I called her when i was about to reach so she could come down and wait for just like she asked me to. So assuming I did no wrong, i gave her a brief smile and locked up the doors. No, she wouldn't let me end the day with a happy mood. She had to launch into some inconceivable lecture on how I do not appreciate her staying up for me and all that. Then, it was "you're a girl u noe! you don't love mummy wan ar huh? i'm not gonna stay up for you anymore. since it's not appreciated. don't know how to think of others. always think of having fun only!". gosh!! i hate it when the gender thing comes up. i hate it man. it makes me hate being a girl, hate being the weaker sex, the fairer sex, the vulnerable sex. I just hate it!

and now i'm just plain mad because, after talking to some friends and pouring out my rage on them, i just realised that what my mum said was right and I'm in the wrong somehow. argh!! and that she'll probably bring up this topic again tomorrow with my dad and, believe me on this, my dad may be a man of few words to most of you, but he says the harshes, most straightforward single, individual words in the world. Especially when his daughter is concerned. I'm really starting to feel that my dad views me as the black sheep of the family, the ugly duckling. the one's that's different. He has less patience with me as compared to my brothers. And he never seems to fail to remind me of my mishaps, my blunders, my screwups. I bet that in his mind, he wonders where i get my genes from. My unorganized, shallow minded, short attention spand, forgetful genes.

NowI think I should've been born a boy.

Friday, April 22, 2005

[ i z z o ]

i never knew what that means...H to the izzo, V to the izze?? haha owell...:)

blogger's down. MSN's nuts. and Streamyx's driving me up the wall. too much too much...hehe...

so, Julie and I baked today! woohoo~! was cool. until we took the cake out of the oven. the top was all cracked up. u noe how really dry mud looks like? yea it looked like that. and as for the icing...the so called "mud"? it was plain weird. was like watery and was very sedimented. but once you put it into your mouth...mmm sex in the mouth! ahahha figuratively speaking la k? not like i've done it before to know...hehe...

anyway, started baking another one jus now. this time it's for real. looks ok. still have the cracked-mud image but oh well. it's gonna be smothered with "mud" tomorrow. i can only hope it tastes as good as it sounds...:)

havin 2 days break from coll, in addition to the weekend. The A famosa tri should've been this wekeend la. at least i need not suffer post race symptons on a college day. Hey, climbing up that bridge from ss14 to ss15 and back at least 3 times in a day is NO JOKE! seriously my thighs are screaming out to me! anyway, supposed to start on my Law homework, my Acc assignment and my Econs essay. mood kickin in again...

I was asked this question today: Do you miss being with someone? and what was my answer? hell yeah. it beats being alone on days like Valentine's. i don't know why i find it so hard to fall for someone. it's like everytime i find just a minor flaw in someone, i tend to back away, have a reality check. it happens so often. and i set such harsh rules on myself. it's so dumb. and now that everyone's pairing up, either getting there, or already there, i'm drowning in my own misery. any of you ever given yourself a once-over and start thinking "gee, i wonder what others see in me?"? or rather what they don't? i do that sometimes, and i never seem to get any answers. i'm a plain person without eyes like stars, or lips like cherry, or skin like snow. i probably have an intelligence level of that of a 15 year old. or lower. i honestly think i'm scatterminded sometimes, and forgetful. but i have a feeling, the most major turn off about me is my immaturity? my lack of responsibility and general knowledge? my mum seem to remind me about that a lot. hmm...

there's one question which i used to ask my ex, or the people who have tried pursuing me. and that is "what do you like about me?". guess i just needed reassurance. i usually want an abstract answer. in a fantasy i know...:) i'd say blame shows like Needing You. haha...but seriously, if someone likes me, it has to be for no specific reason. a "just because" kinda thing. wonder when that'll happen...

what's with tonight? more people appraching me with the same lovey-dovey issue. Think it's the age. we've all reached the age now whereby relationships are taken a little more seriously than they used to be in school. Can't blame us when the rate of lonely people in the world is fast decreasing. *sings* 2 less lonely people in the world... hehe

yea i think my problem is accepting. accepting the fact that no one's perfect until u fall in love with them. so, i gotta fall in love first, before i start giving him a once-over and pick out his flaws one by one. and i gotta accept that guys will naturally want to treat me like a lady. haha although i'd really much prefer someone who doesn't feel obliged to pay for my every meal, buy me fancy and expensive stuff, open-doors-pull-out-chairs attitude. :)

accepting...such a simple word...yet so hard to do...

anyway it's Au Chun Kit's birthday yesterday (21st April) and Puvesh's birthday today (22nd April). so Happy birthday you 2!!

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Puvesh Punj

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

[ r e s p e c t ]

ok i was actually supposed to retire for the night quite a while ago. but something that Weng Lum and i started to discuss just read aloud "I need to blog about this".

it's about respect and being fake and basically whether we remain true to ourselves by the end of the day.

I dislike people who swears and curses. I just don't deem it necessary to.

Weng lum thinks I should just let it be, and that if they surpress it for my sake they would be fake and not be themselves.
I think that people who know me through and through, and is 100% aware of me disliking vulgarity and profanities, should respect me for it and be a little more cautious when they're around me.

so we brought up like a gazillion case studies. Note, we were being very diplomatic and open minded and we were acting very much like mature civilised beings. hehe...which i'm proud to say. Thanks weng lum, for a nice open discussion. :)

Anyway, we concluded, as usual, that we're entitled to our own opinions. But i think we now have a better understanding of each other. hehe, for the record, i still stand strong to what i deem is right. and i, afterall, have every right to do so. :)

was talking to Donovan just now. Interesting fella. One hell of a training freak! haha dude, if you're reading this, it's been great meeting ya too. haha...

okla...gonna go now...if theres one thing Mrs Peters hate most in the world, is late comers. And i really don't intend to get on her bad side when I'm usually an occupant of the front row (i's the new me...u like? hehe). Oh and will be coming to my coll tomorrow. Then there's gonna be some urban dancers which i think should be quite interesting. :) so my digicam's coming along with me to college tomorrow. If you wanna catch them, they're coming at 1.30 pm. that's is you read this on time la. :)

Monday, April 18, 2005

* zoomin' down the freeway *

wakin' up before the sun breaks in
feelin' all hyped up inside
adrenaline, through my veins, pumpin'
just can't wait for this first ride

a rush of energy overwhelmed me
as i stepped into a sea of people
the competitive spirit spreaded endlessly
not a single soul was looking feeble

havin' friends with support to offer
did more than they think they did
made me wanna prove myself better
i'd give all i have, all that i had hid

my spirits soared as the race started
watching my own brother get into the water
cheering for him, nothing less than whole-hearted
to me,then, he was already a winner

having him pass the ribbon to me
i've never felt so proud before
to be a part of this family
amongst the triathletes galore

off i went on my new found racer
a sudden determination to push my limits
i pedalled like i could go no faster
utilizing my energy to bits

pumpin' up hill was hard to hold
my throat burned as i heaved in and out
my bike swayed as i lost control
felt weakness i've never thought about

once i start to head downwards
a surge of confidence erupts in my heart
zoomin' down the freeway, free as a bird
moments will never size up to that part

finishin' sooner than i thought i would
made me feel like i was gettin' somwhere
as i passed my spirit on to do my father good
i told myself silently that i'll get there...

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Saturday, April 16, 2005

[ A Famosa Triathlon ]

some pics from the recent dinner:

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haha...needless to was an event full of laughter...leaving us with stictches...:)

i'm heading to A Famosa tomorrow morning. After my accounts test. yup...on Saturday morning. at 8 am. madness....tsk tsk....anyway, i'm bringing along 2 die-heart fans...or at least i hope they are...hehe...Julie and Weng lum shall be coming along to catch all the action. :)

i keep seeing Soon Seng everywhere i go nowadays. I just saw him at Mamak Bistro jus now. everytime i see him, i'm caught acting like a total glutton, stuffing my face with whatever food i have on the table. hahathere were many familiar faces in Mamak Bistro just now among which are Joyce Kung, Felicia Wong, Wei Li, Nicholas Chong, Tay Jay Son, Asri Malek, Kenderick and Ai Vee. Happening place la that one...:)

okla...if i don't go to bed now i might just end up blank tomorrow morning. So here i go bringing whatever accouting knowledge i have with me to sleep. May i still find them there when i wake up tomorrow morning. :)


Friday, April 15, 2005

* p r i c e l e s s *

just got back from my mummy's room after wishing her Happy Birthday. :) i think the glow on her face when she gets the gifts are so valuable...far more valuable than any of the diamond necklaces i saw the other day. and no, my dad didn't get a diamonds necklace from Diamonds & Platinum in the end. I brought him to Wah Chan in Carrefour and they had pretty nice 18K white gold necklaces. so mummy's got a brand new white gold necklace. :) and 2 metres of lace cloth! ahah i'm yet to bring her to the tailor to make herself a baju kebaya top. :)

anyway, i only managed to crawl into bed at about 5 am last night. After some panick attacks, desperately trying to get my assignment burnt onto a CD, i found my hero! Rudy Wong was my saviour last night! ahah i owe it to him big time man. I sent all my files to him and he got it burnt for me. So i was able to get the CD from him this morning and pass it up to Ms Hannah.

My grandma's in the hospital for angioplasty. It's something gotta do with the arteries and veins having too small lumens. So they gotta insert some sorta balloon to bloat them up. so anyway, last night apparently she accidentally hit the drip needle that stuck into her wrist, and blood started spraying out! My aunty, who stayed the night with her, was shocked! Must've been quite a scare for the both of them. Thank god she's ok now.

There's gonna be a Siah team for this coming A Famosa triathlon! ahah that is sooo cool! I've always wanted to have that. Except that I had always thought it'd be me, keith and korkor. but it's me, keith and daddy! ahha keith's gonna swim, i'm gonna cycle and daddy's gonna run! woohoo~! hooray for the Siahs!!

ok gonna go off now. enjoy my early bedtime as much as i can before my next assignment comes in..:)

Thursday, April 14, 2005

* d o n e ! *

This marks the last past-2-am-day long as it takes till the next assignment comes in...=) I'm done with my assignment! That consists of a Powerpoint presentation, a business website, and a portfolio (which is also a website). I am so relieved! Now all I gotta do is burn it into a CD and drop it into that box tomorrow morning and then i'm off to hibernate! Yes...i'm gonna sleep and sleep and sleep. Over the past week or so, I have had an average of 6 hours of sleep a day. No, that is not enough for a growing child like me. :)

had Law test today. it was 40 questions of MCQ. not too bad actually. Pretty straightforward, so if i could not answer, it only proves to show i did not read the book at all. but lucky for me, i scanned through, so i think 20/40 should be a safe target. :)

went to Pyramid with Ju to buy my mum a birthday present with a pocketful of cash. yup, i'm talking 300 bucks given by daddy with instructions to buy a necklace from Diamonds & Platinum. little did i know, with 300 bucks i couldn't buy a single thing from that shop! geez, i had no idea how much these things cost! Gosh everything was just 370 bucks minimum! and that's for a measly pendant! The whole necklace would be some 800 to 1000 bucks. so we went scouting around till MDS (my dance shop) attracted me. so i ended up buying 2 tops for myself, using daddy's cash. i'll top it up tomorrow!

yup, after i came home from Pyramid, i took a bath and went straight to pick Mrs Khaw up. After that we headed to Bt Jalil to fetch Lyn. hehe...saw Fu Wen and Camelia together, both wearing red. You might think they're wearing couple tees. :) Fu Wen's comment "You cut your hair shorter ar?" is still lingering in my mind. haha funny fella...:)

We were actually the first to reach yuh huey's house. omg, the food she cooked...was splendid! she is one heck of a chef! and to think she got it all from a cook book! We had thai pineapple fried rice, seafood kerabu and green curry chicken! yumm-my! that's not all. Desert was chocolate cheesecake and agar-agar. The choc cheesecake was...i dunno...i'm speechless...words could not describe it! so i had 3 helpings of the fried rice with all the kerabu and the curry chicken, and 3 slices of the cheesecake, and i-lost-count-of-how-many pieces of agar-agar. i was full to the brim! and it didn't help that all of us kept laughing and laughing and laughing (it wouldn't be an RSG gathering without those stitch-inflicting laughs). Each time i laughed so hard, i had tears, and the food in my tummy seemed to find its way up the throat. but it was all good. Loved it!

driving home was quite an adventure also. somehow got on the wrong road. i had mrs khaw and shirlyn with me, and right now i think there's no other person i'd rather be lost with. ahha they're just so entertaining! the road that i got into was the exact same road i was on the time i fetch Raymond from DU and wanted to go back to megemall. some long long long straight highway road which seemed to take us in circles. My petrol light was flashing, and i really didn't want to have Mrs Khaw pushing the car with me on her "inaugural ride with Karen Siah" i quote. and there wasn't a single petrol station in sight for miles! But it was all good. we managed to go back to federal highway. somewhere along the way back to Bt Jalil, we stopped by BP. The hilarious part of this was 3 of us, all did not know how to pump petrol. We never did! ahah i've done it before la but i was still pretty blur since i used to use my dad's credit card. anyway, we did not spill any petrol or whatsoever. :)

i finally got home at about 12.30 am. Started on my assignment immediately. And i'm done now! But it seems to fail everytime i try to burn it on the cd. This is really worrying me. It's 3.25 am now and i really desperately want to sleep. I just can't burn the darn thing so i'm gonna try restarting this com. I'll end here. nite nite!!

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

* let it burn *

Usher is the therapy for every late night assignment achiever. Actually, so are many others. As long as the songs are slow and soothing. You may think it lulls me to sleep but surprisingly enough it calms me down and enables me to think more clearly at a time where my biological clock demands for my brain to stop working. of course, the Nescafe i had just now played a part in keeping me awake too. i think...

anyway, these late nights are pretty much asked for. as in, i chose to do my work at this hour simply because i feel right doing so. the fact that i'm awake when everyone else is asleep gives me this thrill. cheap thrill? hehe maybe...but somehow i think i subconsciously want to do my work at this time...

there was once i mentioned a guy who i have met quite a while ago and have not been in contact with ever since. i also mentioned that that guy has contacted me recently, and to add to that, he actually admits that he has a crush on me. frankly, i think he says that to everyone. i met him when i was in Form 2. that being 5 years ago, i think he might be nuts. i usually start freaking out when i see him calling my phone. i've put his name as idiot for laughs. today he called again. And once again, he'd like to ask me out. And once again, i refused. Then he actually asked, why am i not interested. And as i opened my mouth to speak, i suddenly realised i had no valid reason to be uninterested. i just am. thinking that that was really really unfair of me, i think i blurted out something about, now's not the time and all that nonsense. after i hung up, i pondered on it a bit. on what grounds am i actually turning him down? well, for one thing, he's a maniac to be keeping in contact with me after 5 years. which leads me to think he's some desperado. also, he has this annoyingly poser-ush character which bugs me to the bone. so is that good enough reason? how about the other guy whom i met in OBS some 3-4 years ago and recently met up with him again? he's another one rejected by yours truly, though i can't seem to find a solid reason as to why i did so. i know it's about the whole open-the-car-door-drag-out-chair-kiss-on-my-hand thing that just turned me off. but could it be that i made that my reason? as in i wanted a reason and so i made that it? because afterall, it was just that once that he was like that, and based on that i decided that i never wanted to see him again.

so that got me thinking. and i found out that down memory lane isn't a very nice path to go to. at least where relationships and love is concerned. i think that i have rejected some very nice guys for no apparent reason. was i wrong?

but you can't possibly go into a relationship with someone if you're not comfortable with him right? and if i just don't feel anything, that doesn't mean i don't think he's nice and all, right? and that's not my fault, right, if i don't feel anything? even if i had felt something, but then it went away after a while? would that make me a player?

sigh...unanswerable questions that seem to make up my very existence at this stage in life. i seriously feel that i have a problem committing myself to a relationship. if i were to analyse my own history, i'd say i freak out whenever it comes to the point where my feelings were exposed, he's feeling the same way, and we're about to move one step higher. seriously, everything was a bed of roses when it was just me crushing on him, and that's it.

ok...that's the remaining 30% of Karen that's still conscious talking. the other 70% dozed off about an hour ago. so it's time to call it a night...

btw, pics for MMDS I is out. I've only got one pic. But you should check out the funny...:)

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Sunday, April 10, 2005

* spot the talent *

i am not sleepy. i am not sleepy. i am not sleepy.

sigh...amazingly i could self inflict a headache but cannot self inflict an insomnia sympton.

once again i'm up doing my assignment because i'm smart enough to spend my whole day not doing it. i don't think i was this bad last year. sure, i wasn't the one to finish 6 months before the dateline or something but i definitely wasn't the one deprived of sleep. i remember being fairly hardworking when it came to my assignments. i don't recall joining the crowd in the Taylor's library, anxiously eyeing the pathetic computers, waiting for any one person to alight from their seat so i could make a beeline for the computer before you could say "computer". in fact, i think my ESL was done 3 days before the due date. you may gawk but i was much better off than a whole lot of students. :) so how come this year i'm such a slacker?

my opinion? it all voices down to motivation. i am beyond unmotivated to do my work. it could be due to the dull subjects i'm dealing with. it could be due to the dreary walls of Metropolitan that i walk into from Monday to Friday since February 22nd. it could be due to the lack of social interaction (in other words lack of friends). or it could be due to the fact that i've gotten lazier altogether. either way, i am in dire need of even a hint of motivation or my entire tertiary education could go down the drain.

to be frank, the subjects aren't all that bad. i mean, i could be in fine arts or something. that could be a worse path to travel. looking at it from this perspective, i should be happy it's not Greek to me. sure i'm not gonna be the sports scientist slash fitness expert that everyone expects me to be. but hey, it's still an avenue to go to.

i was out with a bunch of the old school dudes just now. The ones present were Julie, Pei Jien, Puvesh, Han Yang, Fookie, Sing Foong and Wallance (friend of theirs from langkawi). i think that was a much needed get together if you asked me. we were obviously so lost about each other's current situations (includes academic status, social status etc.). it felt so good to just update yourself on each other. erases some of that guilt i've been having about not keeping in touch with some old friends. was a pity some couldn't make it but there'll be other opportunities. there has to be.

time right now is 3.03 am. i think i'm quite satisfied with my work. i'll be waking up to fetch keith from swim training tomorrow. he ends at 9 am, which means i'd have to leave here at 8.40 am, which means my alarm would have to be at 8.00 am so that by the time i snooze it for a few times it'd be 8.20 am and i'll be just in time. :)

current thought passing through my head? a certain newly attached friend of mine. to be more specific, the whole issue of getting attached myself.

*shakes head* it amazes me how the late quiet night naturally turns you into mush.

galnexdor out!

Friday, April 08, 2005

[ at 2.17 am... ]

this whole sleeping-pass-2-am is becoming quite a routine..not very good...tsk tsk...

here's what happened today.

9.20 am
woke up, got ready for interview. ate some toast bread thingy that my maid made.

10.10 am
got ready to go. suddenly felt tummy cramps. had to go. i hate diaorrhea. finally left the house at about 10.20 am.

10.50 am
reached Menara Star. Overshot junction to turn into parking. Managed to get back on the same road after making a few truns here and there. interview was great. except that pretty much all i said were lies. ahah okla maybe not all but just the crucial information. :)

12.10 pm
Upon reaching Subang Jaya, I get a call from Ashwin. Met up with him for lunch. Ate my favourite 5 bucks pasta in Seaview. Came home and had cramps again. Had to go once again.

3.30 pm
slept from 2.00 pm, after a nice long lunch with Ashwin. Good catching up with ya buddy. :) Sent Keith for tuition. Came home and bummed in front of the TV watching things like Laguna Beach (hot dudes, i'm telling you, hot dudes...) and When In Rome (hot dudes too...).

5.30 pm
got on the exercising bike and did 10 km in 28 minutes plus. Quite happy with myself. Plan to do that again either tomorrow or Saturday. Oh i decided to do the 40km bike leg in the coming A Famosa triathlon. Once again, it is only training and not to be taken seriously is i do terribly bad. :) Did 130 situps after resting for a while. Yea man, i was on a roll today! :)

7.45 pm
had dinner. just mum and i. got into the conversation of my future again. not a very nice topic of conversation as long as i'm concerned. so as usual, arguments starts. i'm once again labelled as rebellious, stubborn and rude (she thinks i answer back). so what else is new....

8.15 pm
watched A Guy Thing. then followed mum to fetch keith at 9.45 pm. Reconciled with her. :) Dropped by Mamak Bistro when we came back and I had teh tarik and ramli burger. met so many people there, among which was Kelly and Phillip Chua, my OBS participant Firdaus (again), Zhen Hao. Bought Hitch and Ms Congeniality 2 (for Keith) DVD. They were 12 bucks each wei!! But my mum pitied the young 14 year old seller who looked pretty cute and innocent. :)

11.10 pm
Came home and got those darn cramps again. 3rd time going to the toilet. came online. chat with friends. Tried blogging but blogger was down.

12.30 am
started doing Portfolio. pretty proud with my progression. till i took a second look at the samples my lecturer put up on the website and i my supposedly 70% completed Portfolio is now 40% completed.

2. 17 am
decided to call it a day.

i seriously need to get myself organized.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

[ dumb donkeys ]

my car was sabo-ed today. no actually not today exactly, on Monday. But i'm blogging about it today coz only today did i realise the seriousness of it. One of the front wiper and back wiper were bent! As in not the mobile part, but the part that's fixed to the car. the part that moves the wiper left n right? yea that part. urgh! those inconsiderate, uncivilised, incompetent, moronic, idiotic, dumb donkeys with nothing better to do! Fools. And my only sin was wanting to save 80 sen worth of parking fee. Is that a crime?! Ok, actually that isn't my only sin. I parked in front of the bridge linking main road to the padang. So i made it a little less convenient to walk through that field. I mean, couldn't u just walk around my car and carried on? I seriously think that would take less energy than bending the metals of my wipers!! Plus, it was for one day only, AND for 2 hours tops! I mean if I do that everyday, it could be annoying much for civic consciousness man. seriously, malaysians has a lot to learn about that. Civic consciousness. It rained just now so I wasn't able to wipe my windescreen. Had to drive with a blur windscreen, all the way back home, then unbend the wipers. Dumb donkeys!

i got called for an interview today. Star Education Fund interview, for Metropolitan's 3+0 commerce course. The call came when i was in the car, and it was raining outside so i was kinda distracted by external factors. The lady on the other line was utterly rude i tell you!
lady: hello Karen Siah pls
me: Karen here.
lady: (at high speed) u have an interview on thursday morning, 11 am, star office, metropolitan college.
me: huh sorry, what was that again? interview?
lady: yes, on thursday 11 o'clock in the morning.
me: oh ok. May i know what's this for?
lady: (annoyingly) SCHO-LAR-SHIP. Metropolitan college.
me: ok thank you. where is it held?
me: thank you.
---lady hangs up abruptly---
wth? stupid woman! but owell, an interview! yay me! haha...

2 years ago i got some anugerah in school for being the Tokoh KoKurikulum. This magazine company Edubox was there recording everything and wanted an exclusive interview with me. They promised that I would be on the front cover of their next issue. They even called me up to ask where i train and stuff, and came for my gim class in Holiday Villa to do a "cover story". They snapped tonnes of pics and interviewed Mrs Khaw too. But months flew by and the next issue of Edubox never came out. The website was still operating but even that closed down after a year. I never heard about Edubox after that. However, recently I went for gim class again (view previous previous post) and June asked me if I was the one on Edubox coz she's got the latest issue apparently. So right now i'm desperately trying to access the edubox website BUT it's still down. However, in my attempt to search for it on the www, i came across Ju's old post. One of her posts when Julielicious wasn't open to everyone. Not even to me. well, read some things that maybe i shouldn't have read. or maybe i should. either way doesn't matter now. what i read, i somehow knew about it i guess. anyway, that's over now i guess.

ju, sorry for those times. don't simpan dendam yea? i'm just glad we stuck to each other till now. :)

i showed up at 10.55 am for an 11.40 am class today. i thought it started at 11.10 am. Unbelievable aye? i still can't believe it. and the stupidity of realising it only at 11.10 was dumbest of all! and i thought that for a chance that class might be cancelled again, since no one showed up. haha noe what class it was? Law. haha...

urgh...i need to get to work. have to do my accounts tutorial questions.


Monday, April 04, 2005

* coz we're dancing *

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my cousin pampers me too much. he just handed me a Creative MuVo MP3 player as a gift. actually it's for me to share with lil keith, but i'll be the person controlling it the most. =) hey it's my songs in my pc...=) anyway, my cousin didn't even come in. he came down from singapore for a friend's wedding. then he dropped by my house to collect something and passed me this plastic bag. took me a while before i figured out that it was an mp3 player!! ahahha i've been wanting one for centuries! and there i was thinking i'd have to save up for the next PC fair to get one. seriously i don't deserve such kindness...

it's well past 2 am and i've just finished my econs tutorial assessment. easter break is officially over. so much for catching up with my studies. i used that 1 week to watch movies, savour Haagen Daz, hang out with muh gurls and spoil myself with countless late night suppers. and the last thing i should get is a 100% free mp3 player by the end of my holiday. owell, at least i accomplished my powerpoint. and the econs. i've still got some accounts and law questions to brush up on, and 2 websites to complete but i'm counting on the good ol karen to get back on track once college starts and the nerdy atmosphere envelopes me again. happens sometimes. i can be pressured to work. =)

one last thing before i end my holidays once and for all...
Long term goal: i shall not complain about being in commerce/business anymore. the human mind is more powerful than you think. change your mindset...start loving business. accept it.
Mid term goal: i shall treat myself to a nice trip with my friends in June only if i have done my best for my semester finals.
Short term goal: complete all assignments (especially IS) on time and to the best of my ability.

goodbye hols...goodnite world...=)

Sunday, April 03, 2005

* precious moments *

if i could ask for more
of anything i want in this world
i'd ask for more time to spare
so we could always be there
for each of us girls

i'd ask for more funny incidents
to happen to each of us
so we'd have more things to look back on
and laugh out loud when those times are gone
enabling those moments to last

i'd ask for more tales to share
things that happen to each other
so we could share, comfort and console
spread the warmth of hugs and take away the cold
and just try to make each other happier

i'd ask for more love to give
more space in my heart to hold these sentiments
more ears to lend out
more shoulders to cry on
and more eyes to capture these precious moments...

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