anyway, these late nights are pretty much asked for. as in, i chose to do my work at this hour simply because i feel right doing so. the fact that i'm awake when everyone else is asleep gives me this thrill. cheap thrill? hehe maybe...but somehow i think i subconsciously want to do my work at this time...
there was once i mentioned a guy who i have met quite a while ago and have not been in contact with ever since. i also mentioned that that guy has contacted me recently, and to add to that, he actually admits that he has a crush on me. frankly, i think he says that to everyone. i met him when i was in Form 2. that being 5 years ago, i think he might be nuts. i usually start freaking out when i see him calling my phone. i've put his name as idiot for laughs. today he called again. And once again, he'd like to ask me out. And once again, i refused. Then he actually asked, why am i not interested. And as i opened my mouth to speak, i suddenly realised i had no valid reason to be uninterested. i just am. thinking that that was really really unfair of me, i think i blurted out something about, now's not the time and all that nonsense. after i hung up, i pondered on it a bit. on what grounds am i actually turning him down? well, for one thing, he's a maniac to be keeping in contact with me after 5 years. which leads me to think he's some desperado. also, he has this annoyingly poser-ush character which bugs me to the bone. so is that good enough reason? how about the other guy whom i met in OBS some 3-4 years ago and recently met up with him again? he's another one rejected by yours truly, though i can't seem to find a solid reason as to why i did so. i know it's about the whole open-the-car-door-drag-out-chair-kiss-on-my-hand thing that just turned me off. but could it be that i made that my reason? as in i wanted a reason and so i made that it? because afterall, it was just that once that he was like that, and based on that i decided that i never wanted to see him again.
so that got me thinking. and i found out that down memory lane isn't a very nice path to go to. at least where relationships and love is concerned. i think that i have rejected some very nice guys for no apparent reason. was i wrong?
but you can't possibly go into a relationship with someone if you're not comfortable with him right? and if i just don't feel anything, that doesn't mean i don't think he's nice and all, right? and that's not my fault, right, if i don't feel anything? even if i had felt something, but then it went away after a while? would that make me a player?
sigh...unanswerable questions that seem to make up my very existence at this stage in life. i seriously feel that i have a problem committing myself to a relationship. if i were to analyse my own history, i'd say i freak out whenever it comes to the point where my feelings were exposed, he's feeling the same way, and we're about to move one step higher. seriously, everything was a bed of roses when it was just me crushing on him, and that's it.
ok...that's the remaining 30% of Karen that's still conscious talking. the other 70% dozed off about an hour ago. so it's time to call it a night...
btw, pics for MMDS I is out. I've only got one pic. But you should check out the captions...so funny...:)
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