Thursday, April 28, 2005

* tears are forming *

have u ever felt so stressed up that u feel like crying? as in literally, not figuratively. Like u can feel the tears welling up, your nose getting stuffier and your throat twisting tighter? and you have no apparent reason apart from just "i can't take it anymore!"?

i was this close to breaking down just now. all over a stupid accounting question based on break-even selling price. i had my brother explaining it to me over and over again via msn messenger, and for everytime i could not get him (which was pretty much everytime), i felt more and more compelled to just give in to defeat. i was so stressed up and the due date just kept taunting me. And as i struggled to remain my composure, and my focus on my brother's explanation, i couldn't help but worry about the outcome of this. what if i did not manage? failed to cope? or just failed? one thing lead to another. i started thinking of my econs assignment and my Law exam which by a twist of fate all happen to be due on the same day. It's crazy! next thing i knew i was sobbing profusely, fogging up my spectacle lenses.

well, i feel lousy at the moment, but at least i finally got what my brother was trying to get through to me. that counts for something. and i've stopped crying...

just the other day i was talking about ex's and whether or not an ex counts as someone slightly more special than the rest. this is me. i happen to feel a little different when i'm around my ex or an ex-crush (the serious ones la). i treat them a little differently also. it doesn't mean i still have feelings for them. it's just that all the memories of having someone care for me so much and actually being in a relationship at a certain point in time just stays carved into my memory bank. i'll never forget those times. so when i come face to face with that person, i can't help but revoke all these memories again. even if it wasn't much, considering my erratic feelings then. i just have a soft spot for these guys. so, i wondered, if i have such concern for these guys that have trodden the same path as i once upon a time, do they feel the same way about me? when i meet these people, when i'm around, or when i message them or call them. do they go like "it's karen" or just "oh it's just karen"? do i count as someone special to them, or just another female aquaintence. i got so worked up over that issue that i just had to figure out. I asked some guy friends of mine and my conclusion is, they do. guys actually do have a soft spot for their ex-girlfriends or ex-crushes. as long as the relationship was a significant one. my guess is it's like Rachel and Ross from Friends. Though they break up, they never really stopped caring for each other (which eventually they admits to be love but that's in the end la). Ross just felt like he had an obligation to have Rachel's permission to start dating again, and Rachel had this heavy feeling about telling Ross she had to leave. They're just a bit more special to each other. :)

anyway, even after finding out from my guy friends, i'm still not fully satisfied. something in me makes me want to find out from him himself. This him refers to 3 particular people actually.

of course, this sorta topic of conversation wouldn't just stop there after i get what i want. the guys i consulted started asking me if i would get back with him again, should he develop feelings for me again. now, how would i know? that all would have to depend i guess, on whether or not i'm available at that time. but, should i stay single that long (heaven forbid), and this person i'm so fond of starts caring for me like he used to back then, i guess there will be a 50/50 chance of me saying yes. but like i would i know?

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