Thursday, October 28, 2010


Every day has been a battle
To smile, to laugh, to sing a song
Every day, I lift my chin up
Yet every day never before felt so long

I try to think of things to do
Just to stick it in and pummel through
Somehow in silence my thoughts get clouded
Clouded by memories of you

It hurts just a little
Just a little too much some nights
It hurts just wondering what went wrong
How we started up these fights

I cannot let go, for no good reason
The memories buried within the heart
Where we laughed more than I cried
And we hugged more than we were apart

My thoughts are cruel to not let me forget
Words you have said to me
Songs you have sung to me
Places you have been with me

To sit in silence as I watch you
Appear online, and not say a thing
Makes my heart heavy with sadness
My eyes water, as the tears sting

It hurts to be ignored
It hurts that we've become such strangers to one another
It kills me every day, not knowing what to say
Not knowing whether or not things will ever get better

It hurts.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Friendly much?

With Kiwis...or ang mohs in general, I can never quite draw the line between friendly and creep. I don't think I'm an overly sensitive girl, or perasan as they say it back home. I generally assume people have the best of interest, usually, and would only pick up if someone has ulterior motives only much later.

Which I suppose can be either good or bad, depending on the situation.

I was running along the waterfront this afternoon, and was just starting to climb up the hill, when I slowed to a walk. My left heel had been playing up, and I'm starting to get a little annoyed, seeing as the marathon is in 8 days. I had sincerely wanted to do 11.8ks today - something I have never done before during training. heh. But i ran probably about 5ks before I couldn't bear the nagging pain at my heel anymore. boo! =(

Anyway, I digress. I was walking up the hill when a stranger said "Sorry, excuse me. Hi. I noticed you running along the waterfront. What sort of distance are you doing?" And so we went on to chat about running, and the marathon, and training. He said he's only done 8ks but he wanted to get into it, and hopefully take part in a race some day. The conversation was light, and friendly until he said "Would you like to go for a run sometime? Can I take your number down? Maybe we can go for coffee?"

I flinched. Coffee, and going for a run, is pretty much among the most casual things Kiwis say to each other on a daily basis. Sure, he stopped me midway through my run/walk. And he saw me running along the waterfront, which meant he actually drove up to catch up with me from wherever he was before. And just went straight into conversation, just like that. Extremely random, but extremely casual. But the Malaysian in my head went, hang this dude for real? Was he asking me out, or was he just being friendly? Is it just me, or was the setting a wee bit too random for someone to be asking another person out for coffee?

I said nah by the way. I told him he'll see me around the waterfront at some point. But I just found it so strange. Oh, I should probably add the fact that he was in his 40s or 50s. That could either draw it closer to "Friendly" or draw it closer to "Creep" huh? Hmm...I don't know.

On a different note, this is Nicky. I met her last year, when she joined Configure Express. She's a sweet girl from Germany, and she loves New Zealand. But she's been here for about 15 months now and is ready to go back to Munich. I'll miss her. I can't believe it's been 15 months since I met her. That bit of time seems to have flown by me. But it never flies fast enough to finish uni without me realising it.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Paulo Coelho says...
Love is joy. Don't convince yourself that suffering is part of it.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Why I love working in a women's gym

I came in to work today, and when I opened the office door, a familiar waft of bittersweet sin made me smile.

I saw this.

Why do I love working in a women's gym? Because they understand. =)

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Whoa...wait, it's Monday again? Damn.

My weekend FLEW by, thanks to my double shift full day work on Saturday and Sunday. I've been covering many shifts lately. Don't know why I keep getting called. Perhaps Kat was right, because we Asians don't say "No".This week alone I've done 27 hours. I'm technically only allowed to do 20. No wonder I feel so exhausted. Because it's still full time study on top of that, AND trying very very hard to fit in 3 running days, 1 swim, and 1 strength work out. If I had never admitted to being stressed out, I'm admitting it now.

I don't mind the work, though. It's coming back to incomplete assignments, and exams to study for that I find a drag.

Student life is stressful. If I ever had complaints back when I was in Metropolitan, I had NO IDEA what I was in for over here. Full time study + having to pay rent + having to cook + keeping my fitness up + working part time + squeezing in any chance of having a life + assignments + exams + family obligations to do well and not waste the money invested in student = SUPER STRESS. I am a lucky girl because my family supports and encourages me to the very end in everything I plan to do. And because of that I sometimes feel like I mustn't let them down!

*is it musn't or mustn't? because there's a red squiggly line under musn't but none under mustn't.

Photoshoot with Zhi and friends. 1 Up!

But I'm not complaining too much. My weeks are almost disappearing before my very eyes and eventhough I know that that should sound a little scary because my exams are so near, I can't help but feel slightly elated because the end is near! I'm going to have a ball this summer with Mum, Dad and Keith coming over! It's gonna be epic!

Friday, October 15, 2010

i am so mentally exhausted.

like seriously. i just want to run away.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Sunday Morning Breakfast

I'm sitting here staring at my empty plate filled with crumbs and a banana peel. 5 minutes was all it took. My cup of warm Milo is fast cooling down, and will soon be less than delicious. Not like it was super delicious to begin with. It loses its appeal when you have it almost every morning.

You know what I miss every damn Sunday morning here in Auckland? Breakfast with my parents. I miss Mum knocking on my door ever so lightly, so that if I were awake, I'd hear it, if I were asleep, it wouldn't wake me up. I usually hear it. "Girl, want to join us for breakfast?" she'd ask. And I never refuse. =)

Breakfast at home constitutes going out to SS15 or USJ 2 or USJ 14 or SS13 or USJ 6 for a nice hot plate of hakka meen, or a steamy hot bowl of kuey tiow soup, or delicious nasi lemak, or crispy roti kosong with teh tarik.

Everything about it is awesome. Getting into the car involves the decision making process of where to eat. And since I have been going overseas a lot, they always let me decide. I love deciding where to eat. =) Going there, Daddy would have a lot of things to talk about - usually pertaining running/marathon. I'm often still in a just-out-of-bed daze to reply, but I do listen. It's like turning the TV on while you putter around in the kitchen. The noise is soothing, comforting. It lets me know I'm not alone.

Then, reaching our destination, we would then sit down at a vacant table and ponder what to eat. Daddy would give his orders to Mum, and she'll run off to place orders. I usually go about by myself to pick from the variety of hawkers. Upon returning to the table, as if by habit, we would ask each other "What are you having?" even though we kinda already know, and it wouldn't make a difference to us. But it's like an obligatory report. I always come back to my seat and automatically announce what I have decided to order.

All throughout breakfast we would chat happily about anything. Maybe it's something in the news. Maybe it's about my brothers who are usually not there, so we can gossip about them. =) Maybe it's about relatives. Or maybe it's just about nothing at all. Just random nonsense we decide to debate on like "Why yellow noodles give you tummy ache and white noodles don't".

Mum would always be the first to finish, so she would always stand up and start buying things for Keith to eat, start doing bits of marketing here and there, buying veges and meat and asking me what soup I'd like to have this afternoon so she can go get the ingredients. I'm usually the slowest to finish my breakfast so Daddy usually waits for me.

And when everything is done, we head to the car and make our way home. One hour. At least.

One hour of not eating alone, of having someone to talk to, of delicious food, and of getting out of the house.

I miss home. I miss my Sunday morning breakfast with Mum and Dad. Oh why can't I finish studying already?!

Friday, October 08, 2010


i miss it.

can't wait.

Monday, October 04, 2010

Looking ahead

How far into the future should one look?

How far ahead into your life can you be certain of?

If someone asked me, 'What's tomorrow gonna be like for you?', I would know the answer.

I've always been a dreamer since I was young. I've always had a pretty clear image of what I wanted to do with my life when I grew up. Though, this image changed possibly a million times throughout the course of my life, one thing stayed the same. I wanted to make a change.

As tacky as some of them are, Disney movies made me dream. I want to be the Mulan who saved China, I want to be the Pocahontas who stopped the war between the whites and the natives, and I want to be the Lizzie McGuire in the Lizzie McGuire movie, who meets a superstar, and ends up singing on stage in Rome and becoming famous! I want to be famous.

I've been pretty active in school and stuff, and have succeeded in achieving quite a bit at school level and in college, so I am quite a sucker for the limelight. I know it sounds self absorbed and a little shallow, but I really enjoy being complimented and rewarded for my efforts. I love recognition. I love praise.

And while my plans for the future still revolves around starting something unique in Malaysia and making a name for myself, it also revolves around being an amazing woman as a whole. I want to be the amazing wife and the awesome mom. I want my husband to feel like he's the luckiest man in the world, and my kids to think they're mom is the best. I want to be a loving, filial daughter, and the cool, fabulous sister. I want to hold house parties often and have friends over all the time.

I want the perfect life by being the perfect person. I want to make a lot of people happy.

Most of all, I want to love and be loved at the highest degree.

And that is my dream...