Friday, October 31, 2008

the closest thing to crazy

How can I think I'm standing strong,
Yet feel the air beneath my feet?
How can happiness feel so wrong?
How can misery feel so sweet?
How can you let me watch you sleep,
Then break my dreams the way you do?
How can I have got in so deep?
Why did I fall in love with you?
This is the closest thing to crazy I have ever been
Feeling twenty-two, acting seventeen,
This is the nearest thing to crazy I have ever known,
I was never crazy on my own…
And now I know that there's a link between the two,
Being close to craziness and being close to you.
How can you make me fall apart
Then break my fall with loving lies?
It's so easy to break a heart;
It's so easy to close your eyes.
How can you treat me like a child
Yet like a child I yearn for you?
How can anyone feel so wild?
How can anyone feel so blue?
This is the closest thing to crazy I have ever been
Feeling twenty-two, acting seventeen,
This is the nearest thing to crazy I have ever known,
I was never crazy on my own…
And now I know that there's a link between the two,
Being close to craziness and being close to you.
...and being close to you
...and being close to you.

Katie Melua
Call Off The search

Thursday, October 30, 2008

i have no idea

So i sat for my MedSci 142 exam today. And it was really really tough. I guess there were questions which i could do quite easily. There were questions where I had to take a wild guess. And there were questions where even guessing was impossible. And i left them blank. Inevitably.

I have no idea how i fared. I thought I was gonna have that big weight lifted off my chest, but for some reason I feel worse now than I did before the paper. There's a lingering thought/feeling inside of me that is rather negative, that I do not wish to say it aloud, for fear it might come true. All I can say is, what if it's not over yet?

I'll find out in due time I guess...*shrug*

Wednesday, October 29, 2008


Hey, I am feeling heaps better now after doing another paper and a few more questions, and i went "Hey I know this". so yeah...ego's been boosted again. Sorry about my breakdown yesterday. Panicked a bit. But I'm ok now...=)

A lot of people left me with many wise and comforting words, people from Perth, Kursk, UK, Singapore, home...thanks a bunch, guys. Some of you really helped me put things into perspective, while others just made me renew my own self faith. I'm actually quite glad my exam is tomorrow. After tomorrow I'd be able to breathe much more comfortably...=)

Drama aside, Shermayne and I went grocery shopping last night to stock up for this exam-cramming period we're going through. And so with a mission to keep our energy levels up (and to achieve 2 sets of $40 to get the fuel discount at Pak'n'Sav), we loaded our trolley with...
yeah...CHOCOLATES and CHIPS and COOKIES...hey, one man's junk is another girl's BRAINFOOD ;)

btw, are there Kit Kat cookes n cream back at home? Coz they're the bees knees i tell ya! If there aren't any I'm buying a whole bunch of 'em home. =)

Tuesday, October 28, 2008


I am sitting here, with wells of tears threatening to fall off my lower eyelids at any second. breathing is the only thing i can do right now as she's downstairs, and I really don't want her to know I am about to bawl my eyes out.

It's so hard. I am definitely not the strongest person in the world because when it comes to addressing my emotions, I cave easily. The ground i stand on just trembles and cracks at my feet whenever I am emotional.

I am trying my very best to reason with the devil in my head that is telling me this is not worth it. It is. It definitely is. Because I want to be here. I want this damn degree and I'm going to get it. But for now I really just want to cry and scream because this damn subject is bloody overwhelming. For the first time in my entire life I had studied the whole damn syllabus, every damn page, every damn word of the damn coursebook from Saturday the 18th of October 2008. I read it all! I understood it. I was beaming with pride last night as I flipped over the last and final page of the damn course book because i can safely say i finished studying. Never in my life have I done that.

So today I attempted a question paper. And although I did not expect to know every answer (lest I expect myself to get 100%), i sure as hell did not expect to NOT know ANY answer. I had to thumb through my notes, my books, my slides, and the gyri and sulci of my damn slow processing brain to find answers for questions that aren't even hard. They're straightforward questions that ask "what's this" and "what's that" or "label this". Stuff that does not require understanding, rather a BLOODY BIG MEMORY SPACE.

I am so pissed off at myself right now because i spent 10 friggin' days to study the whole damn syllabus only to arrive at square one again. What do i know? A lot. A lot that somehow does not get tested in the bloody exam.

WHY? I don't know. I am feeling just about as useful as a mole on the side of my nose.

God I really wish it's worth it in the end. Because this ain't the only Medsci subject. There's Biosci next sem and Medsci 205 the year after. I really don't want to say this, but right this very moment I don't feel like i am cut out for science anymore.

Maybe i'm just not smart enough. Who am I trying to kid?

Sunday, October 26, 2008

what drives me

listen to the thumping. that's your heart.

look up. visualise the finishing line.

hum the melody, mouth the words, keep on going.

caressed by the wind. the faster you go, the cooler it gets.

look good. that's not beauty lotion. it's sweat.

pumping through your veins. fueling your every stride.

candy isn't. victory is.

what drives you?

because i can

it's a sunday morning. i woke up at 9.50 am. i've had bread with cheese and margerine. then a kiwi, banana, yoghurt smoothie. then a CookieTime cookie.

because i can.

i don't really like mornings. because everyone at home is sleeping. and i've got no one to talk to online.

i'm looking forward to beach time on the 15th with Rachel and friends.

i'm absolutely stoked about the kauri run on the 22nd.

i'm coming home in a month. sweeyyytttt!

Thursday, October 23, 2008


just a small rant.

i hate MedSci.

it is almost impossible to learn everything that has been taught in that syllabus. it is just too much. the subject itself isn't hard. it's digesting that whole volume that is. i know it is for future doctors. i know it serves as a filtering system between who's gonna make it to med school who isn't. but then why the hell do they make it compulsory to students who aren't planning to get into med school? students like me. sport sci students. or bio sci students. or health sci students. it's just too much to handle, me thinks.

and i've been good. i've been real good, if i should say so myself. 6 days into my study plan and still on track. but how much of it will be retained by next week, i don't know. i'm counting on karma and the law of attraction now. thinking positive, sticking to it. hopefully some people up there will have mercy on me and somehow link the puzzle of facts up in my head for me to regurgitate out during the exams. coz if i allow myself to test myself right now, i dont think i can complete a simple cardiovascular process even.

sigh...please please please let me pass...=(

Tuesday, October 21, 2008


I think Italians are genius when it comes to food. Think about it.

Their food uses very few ingredients, mostly flavoured by herbs and spice.

It takes basically zero time to prepare, simply dicing up stuff, and popping it into the oven or boiling in a pot.

You can barely go wrong, when in doubt, just add more cheese.

It almost always taste superb. If it doesn't it is for lack of taste, nothing a few shakes of pepper and salt and parmesan cheese cannot fix.

And the best part is, there's hardly anything to clean up after that.

Now, why wasn't i born an Italian? Because if I were Italian, my gut would be more familiar with such massive amounts of cheese and carbs, thus my body would use them efficiently.

Anyway, I had a sudden rush of cooking inspiration over the weekend, and decided to try my hands on 1)a pitza (pizza made with pita bread as base) and 2) pasta carbonara.

And they turned out nothing short of fab...=)

Studying have been going good. I impress myself. =)

Sunday, October 19, 2008

365 - Tell me

tell me i'm strong,
strong enough in your absence,
tell me i'm weak,
i'm weak in your presence

tell me that i can
that i can achieve
tell me that i will
and i'm willing to believe

tell me that i belong
way up there, above
tell me that i am deserving
deserving of your love

tell me that i'm beautiful
beautiful in your eye
tell me that you love me
and i will never ask why

tell me you're my window
amidst these closed up doors
but most of all, just tell me
tell me that i'm yours...
happy anniversary...

Saturday, October 18, 2008

i'd just like to say...that Day 1 went exactly according to plan. =)

Friday, October 17, 2008

it's time.

i have a little note in my personal diary penned in for tomorrow which says, in big bold handwritten letters, highlighted in green, STUDY FOR MEDSCI. yea...its the saturday i decided about a month ago that i will begin my MedSci revision. I have been dreading it ever since...but i guess it's time. haha...i know i have an inner nerd...somewhere.

i had dinner with my brother's friends Zhen Yi and Tuan Chin yesterday night, a meet up which was planned since i first came here. I thought it was kind of funny to be chilling out with my brother's friends, but it turned out they were pretty entertaining and i had a good time. Korean Soju, which is like Sake, helped make things a little more comfortable, of course. haha...gotta love happy juice. =)

sunset at Sylvia Park.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008


"Next week i'm gonna be special, because i'm gonna be 7 years old"

"I'm gonna be 8 years old in November! I'm gonna be SPECIAL special..."

"No, only 7 is SPECIAL special. 8...8 is just special."

just a little conversation i overheard between 2 of my little gymnasts at the Meadowbank school...=) i wonder how my "special" points stand if i told them I was 22.

Monday, October 13, 2008


i have just rescheduled my flight. i am flying off 25th of november, and touching down on tanah tumpah darahku on 26th of november. just the mere thought of that gives me the bounce in my feet that i have not felt in a while.

43 days to home...

i was walking to the Meadowbank school today and I wondered what was it that made me so unhappy here. I mean I am happy. Fun course. Weather is pretty awesome now. The scenery is almost always breath taking. People are nice, warm and friendly. Work is fun. Gotta love the independence - freedom aspect of my life now. But yet, i am unhappy. And i figured it was because of one or all of these things:
1. missing the boyfriend
2. missing the family
3. sick of tasteless food that i make for myself
4. sick of catching wafts of delicious food smell in the air as i walk past the eateries, and having to tighten the belt because eating out is expensive.
5. missing the convenience of having food prepared for me.
6. missing the convenience of a mamak at 10.30 pm.

I probably have many many pages to add to that list, but none as critical as these 6. sometimes i wonder how my heart was going to take coming back here again next year, and for about 9 months this time. But i'll cross that bridge when i come to it. I believe it can only get better, though. I have plans to join a dance class next year. And maybe to sign up for the uni gym, and pick up rock climbing again. =)

Till then, my thoughts are fixed on the 25th of November...

Saturday, October 11, 2008

month 3

It's been 3 months. Time really flies. And I've been a lot better. A lot a lot better. =)

I went to the UMSA Deeparaya celebration today. Was a last minute decision, as I've come to realise no bad can actually come out of it. I still get that feeling of wanting to be anti social, wanting to just coop myself up in the apartment and hide away from the world. But so far, every time I force myself to go to a function, I find myself enjoying it and coming home all happy. So from now on, i'm.just.gonna.go. =)

It was pretty enjoyable. I skipped the entire formal program before that (which were mainly speeches), and went just in time for makan time. Food was good. =) The fact that it was free made it heavenly. =)

Anyway, took some pictures, not many. So here goes.

food was pretty good...i ended up tah pau-ing a lot home. haha...
me, abby & alex
shermayne & i
hanzi & i
the team that is gonna conquer the Coromandels!

Yea...i'm joining a race called the Kauri Run in the Coromandels. Shermayne told me about it and I'm absolutely stoked! Can't wait for it to's a trail run that goes pretty much uphill all the way up to a peak, and then down.
And it's 32 km. There was a 13 km category, but i figured, might as well do the real thing. No more sub events for me. Ashley Lim told me once that she makes it a point to do the longest distance in every race. I think i shall make that my point too. If i can't handle the longest distance, i'm not running it. Simple as that. haha...that being said, i'm not going anywhere near half ironmans, ironmans or ultra marathons. =)

So that's happening on the 22nd of November. And i really can't be more excited about it. 560 m above sea level. Can i do it?

Thursday, October 09, 2008

retail therapy

Hey it does work, okay. and i don't even shop that shhhhh. =) I had a 2 hour break in between class. SO i spent the first 45 mins lunching with Abby, who bought me lunch *thanks dearie!*. We had pie. good pie...=) And then she had to go off to class, so i stayed in the city and did some strolling around, with a mind thats quite ready to shop. For some reason. Just because it feel like I've been working and eating in forever and it's about time I spent some materialistic cash on me. =)

tried on these 3 tops which i really love because they just fit me so well. Seriously, clothes here just have better cutting than back home. Or at least than the cheap ones they have back home. Either I have an ang moh built, or the clothes at home just fit the puniest people with the skinniest shoulders. Anyway, these fit me perfectly and i think i should get one of them. But i can't decide!
The first two is a tie behind kinda top while the 3rd one has a gathered up back, which i kinda don't really like. But yea, can't u see how nicely they just sit on my shoulders and how the neckline doesnt exactly look like it's suffocating my chest yet it doesnt look like it's exposing it too much either? haha...coz everytime i try something at home it always seem so...suffocating. =)

And these are what I did buy. =) i am so spoiling myself. but they were on sale. And they're pretty cool=)
Simple long tube top from Glassons for $9.99. Always wanted one. And a new bra from Cotton On Body.
The coolest T-shirt bra for $10. It's got this hook on one of the straps which u can use to hook the other strap to turn it into a x-back! Cool innit? Don't have to unhook bra straps and switch them around. =)
And a new sports bra. which was only $12.50. *heart* Also from Cotton On Body=)

Summer, come quick~!

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

so so tired

it.s 9.22 pm. i have just finished cleaning up every dish, pan, knife, spoon and even the flat stove. i have finally plomped myself down on the sofa and i could feel myself just melting into it. kinda feels like the end of Mrs Khaw's yoga classes back then, how she used to make us tense every muscle in our body, then just relax and melt into the mat. i am exhausted for some reason. it's silly coz there wasn't a morning class for me today. I woke up at 8.15 am instead of 6.45 am.

when i went to work my colleague asked if i was ok. she said i looked extremely tired. i thought i was just a little flushed because i went for a run before work. but then i took a look at myself in the mirror and i, too, was a little shocked to see my own appearance. dark puffy rings sit below my eyes. my forehead seems creased. and even when i pulled my cheeks up into a smile, and u guys know how high my cheekbones are, they still seemed to droop down, devoid of energy to even form a proper smile.

i don't know what happened. i'm fine, really. no, not feeling that lonely anymore. no, not stressed over medsci (yet). no, not worried about my weight (ok maybe a little but nothing major). really i'm good. But i do yearn very much for a good night's sleep. like a 10 hour uninterrupted sleep or something.

hmm...maybe i haven't been sleeping well. for reasons i haven't a clue...

on another note, i have very very bravely been rubbing salt onto my mouth ulcers which really hurts. I wonder if it really works. But yea, rubbing salt onto ulcers, really does hurt. I was just never brave enough to try it. Always applied chinese medicine powder. Now no money buy medicine. Use salt lor...=)

Sunday, October 05, 2008

the weekend that i overate

for a change, this weekend was a really good one. despite the fact that i was working both Saturday and Sunday, i had a great time stuffing my face with all sorts of food delicacies.

I was so into it that i had completely forgot to snap photos sadly. but believe me when i say that I stuffed myself so much that I instantly gain over a kilo just over the weekend. haha...but it was good. like lamb rendang, sayur lemak, roast duck, fried chicken, fish soup, hak loh mai, potato salad, baked pasta good.=) plus, did i mention happy juice? mmmmmmm....happy juice, it's been a while. it didnt help that my group didn't do so well in Charades. so we drank. and I drank. and it was sinfully yummy. *smacks lips*

btw, the hak loh mai? i made that. and i'm pretty damn proud of it, eventhough it's the simplest dessert to make. why didn't anyone tell me!? haha...i am so making it for everyone back at home. Ok ok?? December. My house. Dessert night! settle la...we shall have dessert for mains! =)

and that was my Saturday. 6 hours of work. two open houses. Lots of food. Lots of happy juice. Lots of laughter. One happy Karen.

but it didn't end there. Today i rose with a subtle hangover at 7 am and worked from 8 am - 4 pm. It was...long, boring, mundane until...*handphone beeps*...Message from Wye Yin! She's in town and I'm gonna meet her! This girl I have not met for possibly 10 years! i was pretty excited!

and when i saw her...well...i think neither of us changed much since 1998. and it was great to catch up. Plus she brought a friend who was also from Sri Subang Jaya, though i honestly have never seen him in my life. From the PTS class. hahah...sorry, we just used to make fun of that class a lot back in those days. =) but yea, it was cool. Then Abby and Josh joined us and we found that EVERYONE was from Sri Subang Jaya. Imagine that?

Who would've thought at that time when we were tiny little brats running around the school compoung, having to being yelled at by prefects to angkat-turun and feeding things into that huge Bird Cage (ok maybe that's just me) and learning the rules of a crush and the detrimental effects of it if ever news of it fell into the wrong hands, that some 10 years down the road we would be meeting in a little chocolate cafe all the way in Auckland, New Zealand?
me, sugie??, wye yin, abby
i forgot to take one with Josh

funny how life works out eh? =)

Friday, October 03, 2008

stolen limelight

ever met someone who is so much like you? that everything he/she does is everything you do as well. and guess what? he/she does it better. each and every single thing. and when people who know you meets this "other you", they say the resemblance is uncanny. and that sends daggers through your ego.

no? well perhaps i'm being sensitive here. but i happen to be caught in such a situation and i can't, for the life of me, understand why it's affecting me this much. i just feel like i'm being replaced in this world. i know that sounds impossible. but yea...unexplainable. don't know. don't ask. don't try to explain. just...nod your head and go "there there". it will be duly appreciated.

another week has come and gone. the shadow of the MedSci examination lurks around the corner. lectures have yet to finish. i'm drained just sitting there listening to it. and knowing that there's still a couple of weeks worth of syllabus to cover, it's crazy. they pack the syllabus all the way to the very last week. and we don't even get 1 week study leave before the exams. i know i asked to come here. i know i wanted this so badly. i know that i knew it was going to be hard. but boy am i feeling it. it is just sooo different from a business degree done locally in your own home. i wish i did this before doing business. i wish i never took that 6 month break. i wish there was a twinning course that allowed me to do a year back home and the remaining 2 here. just so i have a bunch of people to come here with. just so i'd have more friends in the same boat. i know i said i wanted to go to a place with less Malaysians, less friends, so i can stand up and face the world. learn new things. meet new people. make new friends.

but doing ALL that by itself is hard enough without having to deal with exams and the possibility of failing. and being hungry all the time because food is so expensive and i just want to get back to the apartment to make my own food, but by the time i do i just lose the mood altogether because i'm tired, and it's late, and i've gone hungry for way too long to feel any hunger left. and plus, by that time i value sleep more than anything because in a couple of hours time, i'd have to work. and so i choose to pop a cookie into my mouth and decide whether to sleep or to run. and when im done with either one, it's time to work. and when work's done i sit down once again in the emptiness counting down the days to home.

i feel miserable tonight. and i feel guilty for feeling miserable because i shouldn't be. i should be enjoying every moment of this dream come true for me. i should still be ecstatic about my being here at all, something i could only dream about not too long ago. why am i not feeling it? i dont understand.

if so many others have gone abroad and ended up not wanting to leave that is it that I have developed a love and need for my home back in Malaysia now more than ever as i stay here longer?

just this morning i was happy that it was friday. happy that ive only 60 days till the day i fly home. happy to be having dinner with ben tonight. and happy that i can stay up later to talk to some people from home. where did my happiness go?

Wednesday, October 01, 2008


It's October! Which means i'm exactly 2 months away from boarding a jetplane to Bangkok, and then to home! =)

45 days to the end of my exams...61 days to flying off....64 days to home.

My family has gone for a Hari Raya vacation at Endau Rompin. This would be the first time I'm sitting out on a family vacation and i do feel it. Family vacations are always really fun, and my mum plans the bestest holidays from the place to the activities and even the food. Knowing that they were packing their bags and setting off in probably 3 or more cars like they usually do makes me feel more lonely than ever. I wish i could go. :(

Looking back on the almost 3 months that I have been here, I haven't done much quite honestly. I have read blogs of friends and peers who leave home to study abroad and they all seem to experience so much that I can't help but wonder where I went wrong. I haven't been all that sociable in the sense that I don't go looking for people to hang out with all the time. And I havent felt much like joining activities. But I haven't been that much of a loner either. I have weekly lunch get togethers with Ben and Abby. And I have work. And I have been to some of the touristy areas within the city. I guess because the nightlife here is mainly boozing and clubbing, nightlife doesn't really appeal to me. And because work happens after class, I can't exactly hang around after class. But then again, so doesn't anyone I realise. At least not those that I know.

Having a main group of friends helps i suppose. Right now I have friends from various groups. And I get invited by them here and there and though I oblige to most of the invites, on some days I admit I just felt like staying in, in front of my laptop and just talk to people from home.

On mistakes, I've made two. 1 is by not coming here in the first semester. That would've made it easier to have friends who were all new to uni as well. Being in second semester I'm thrown into a batch of students who have had half a year in advance to mingle around. Social groups have already been set. I know, doesn't mean I can't join in right? It's just a little harder, but I am progressing. 2 is not attending orientation. Like my brother said that would've led me to other newbies as well. And would've at least helped a bit with regards to mistake number 1.

I hear some of you going "Excuses, excuses". True. But I am not one who goes and chases friends out of desperation. Anyway, next semester I will be in year 1 semester 1. So things would probably look up then, i guess, if my theories were right.

Anyway, i'm coming home in 2 months! =)