Wednesday, June 22, 2005

"what if you get off the next stop?"

picture this:

girl likes guy. guy hasn't a clue. guy likes someone else. girl knows she doesn't stand a chance.

sound familiar? it's so typically school-girlish. it always happened when i was in school. which is sad. why do i always think i don't stand a chance? why don't i always stand a chance? are the guys that i took interest on that highly sought after? anyway, in addition to that, there'll be friends who'd say "you never know, Karen" or "feelings can change wan...don't give up". yea right. feelings don't change from neutral to love. they go the other direction. and as far as i'm concerned, for guys it's either love at first sight...or no love at all. which alternatively means, "this girl's hot, let me try getting her". it's so childish, so immature...the whole really is...

and yet i find myself entrapped in the vicious cycle again. at age 19. could this really be happening to me now? back then, we'd have friends to pass the message around, plan occasional "coincidental bump-intos" and drop super obvious hints to turn the table around. but now that i've reached the age where relationships and love is really been taken's time i took a reality check. i know i don't stand a chance. then why do i go on? being bitten time and time again has only made me realise that it'll lead from one disappointment to another. expectations will be raised and hopes will be crushed. why go through it all? isn't it better to just leave it behind and carry on with life, carefree and obligation-less?

and i'm out of school. not getting mr. right doesn't mean i get to go after mr. right2. there's no longer the next best guy from the class next door to consider. there is, however, the next best guy from somewhere on Planet Earth that may cross my path, hopefully before i reach the age where i'm too old to get married. finding someone right isn't really that easy now that the scope is much wider. not to mention, my requirements are higher as well.

back in school, mr. right was someone whom i could hold long telephone conversations with, an excuse to go to tuition, an excuse to study, a "trophy" when i receive gifts or when i go out to places. now it seems, mr. right is someone i can see myself with for years to come, someone who would take me for me, someone whom i can take him for him, and basically someone i can be myself with without having to try.

honestly, i don't feel so hurt anymore when i can't get mr. right now, then when i couldn't get him then. it's more of an acceptance. could it be that i've gotten wiser? that i'm now able to set reasonable expectations? i don't know. i feel like i'm wiser...yet i'm more confused. i'm uncertain even of my feelings towards him right now. at times i feel like i can love him so much, that i'd probably be totally crushed if i let myself believe that we won't get anywhere. but at other times, i guess i just...believe it. and when i do, all that i feel would just subside. and i no longer feel compelled to be with him.

i've been questioned if i sincerely like him right now. some even used loved. i do for the fact that if things would work out, then i can see myself being loyal and giving my whole heart and everything. but i don't because i'm willing to let go if things doesn't. is that being insincere?

well, like how i answered them, it doesn't matter really. back to the real picture. Girl knows she doesn't stand a chance. so what does it matter, my level of sincerity? i'm heading no where...

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