Saturday, June 11, 2005

roaring silence

i have a roaring silence in me. things are scattered around my mind, twisting and turning into perceptions and impressions, screaming out to be told, to be out of the system. but no can do. so what do i do? i exit msn. i turn off the computer. i hit the books. page after page i run my eyes through, trying my best to soak up as much information as i can. and what do i get in the end? zilch. nothing. i can't even remember the last sentence i read. my mind's saturated. and the more i thought the more i was starting to lose it. i was drawing my own conclusions from itsy bitsy stuff which makes absolutely zero sense, that i have concocted my very own feelings of which i have no way of describing. hypothetically, my head's about to burst.

so i run. i pounded fast and hard. easing away the tension with every bead of sweat that forms on my temple. i wipe them away. yup...wiping them away gets rid of them. of all the whys and whats and whos and whens and hows. and i breathe. sucking in clean air, cleansing the doubts and the confusion, ditching them away with one great puff. and i sprint. i sprint to run away, to escape. i sprint to focus, to push aside other matters, just focus on increasing the speed, moving faster. and then i stop. and for a short moment, i felt light as a feather. for a split second, when my lungs burned and my heart pounded, i felt pure.

and then it all came back. dropping down on me like bricks. weighing me down. but it's more organised now. things are now arranged. my mind has a system now. a system that will allow me to choose what to think of. and so i'm calm. still silent. but serene.

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