March

Hello again. If you still read my blog, I say thank you very much, and sorry for the very very very infrequent postings. I have obviously too much on my plate right now, and also a fading interest in typing out my personal thoughts. I think I am becoming cold and hollow inside, like everyone else in this age of technology. Because we can create an emotion whenever and wherever we like these days. Want to laugh - go read 9Gag. Want to cry - just listen to the news. Want to feel jealous - scroll down your FB news feed. Want to b*tch about people - do the same. Everything feels superficial, man-made. Nothing ever comes from the heart any more.

I feel like that these days. I feel like my daily mission nowadays is nothing more than "Make more money". I have become one of those people who do their accounts every month end, gasp in disbelief, start to freak out, frantically try to piece together a new plan to save money and make more money simultaneously, and the whole thing repeats itself in a monthly cycle. Fast fading is my passion for sport and outdoor enjoyment.

Training sessions which were once fun things for me to do during the weekend have now become a thing I dread but know I have to execute. It has become "homework". I hate homework. I hate school and academics and anything that forces me to do things I do not like to do. I am starting to get cranky whenever people take sport so seriously. Especially the poor boyfie, who has done no wrong except to want to train and take his sport seriously. That, for some stupid reason, makes me feel like I am not taking things seriously enough and that annoys me. Because from the very get go, I never take my sport this seriously. It was always just an avenue to sweat, burn calories, make friends, go really fast and feel the wind in my hair, and that's it! I never really aimed to better my time, to correct my stroke, to reduce my inefficiencies. I never wanted to play this seriously but somehow, somewhere, sometime ago I got caught in the hype of it all. The kiasuness is intolerable. I have done the bike route of my Putrajaya IM TWICE! My inner hipster triathlete is going Whuuuuuuuttttt?!! Since when, in my 15 years of athleticism, have I ever checked out the route prior to race day. Like NEVER!

But I cannot blame anybody but myself. I am conflicted. On one hand, I have my business, which is my baby at the moment. My top priority. Every decision I make, and everything I do this year have got to do with growing my business. I am dealing with emails, and phone calls, and furniture, and fitness articles and programs and running clinics, and corporate companies, and locksmiths and so many many many things that I am so so so worn out by the end of the day. Mustering the strength to do a 90km bike ride on a Saturday morning just sounds unappealing as it is, what more if I have to go and struggle to keep up with my boyfriend and his friends. My ego has never been stretched this thin. Yet, on the other hand, I know that somewhere deep inside of me I am still that person who wants to succeed. I want to be able to race on 13th of April, and emerge victorious. I'm not looking to win top 3, but I would be extremely disappointed if I failed to complete this race. This damn race which costs me 250 USD.

Why did I sign up for this race? For reasons I still cannot fathom, I signed myself up for a RM650 race. Who the hell spends that sort of money on a damn hobby and then not train for it? Again, it boils back down to money. Or the lack thereof.

Urgh, the pressure! The stress! The regret! I feel it every single day as the day draws closer. What is wrong with me?