Sunday, August 28, 2005

extreme feelings

this is the 3rd time i'm coming into the create new post page tonight. reason being, i don't know how to express myself. i have lots to say, but they're all jumbled up in one big ball of yarn that i decide not to blog after starting and restarting my blog entry. but i guess not blogging would result in me tossing and turning in bed tonight.

so before i begin, be forewarned that it's gonna be messy and unorganized.

today somehow had me feeling both of the extremes - the uncanny sense of sadness as i see the plight of someone else, and the utter bliss of going to a new place and finding it so beautiful.

today i realised that for all the times i have whined or complained or just simply frowned at something that did not turn out just as well as i had expected...i truly deserved to be reprimanded for my lack of gratitude towards what i already have. and for all the times i had thought that i was strong or tough or brave, i was truly a coward compared to her.

and it just seemed so wrong for me to feel such sympathy at one minute, and at the next, i was getting all dressed up and heading off to Luna Bar, a place known for it's class and luxury. it didn't feel right. but sinfully, i was truly amazed and overwhelmed by the beauty of the place. i was just sitting there, not caring one bit if i was gaping like a gold fish, just taking in the ambience of that place...thinking to myself "this is what it feels like to be posh and classy".

and just just now i once again felt the pang of loneliness as i watch from the corner of my eye, my dear friend who have found someone who loves her for who she is. and new discoveries of some others who have also got hitched...and then coming home just to find a dear friend, down and gloomy as the day he leaves draws closer, daunting her.

i feel obligated to cheer her up, to ensure she's alright. i feel helpless that there's nothing i can do to make things seem better. i feel for her but i'm unable to help.

part of me weighs a tonne, bearing the burden of all the sadness in me. but another part of me feels feather light. and hanging out with Lyn today contributes to the latter.

it's sunday now.
i have exactly 5 days to complete a 1500 word report on macro and microenvironments of manufacturing company.
i have exactly a week before i run my next 10 k.
i have exactly 2 weeks before i do my first half marathon.
i have exactly 4 weeks to train for AXN challenge.

once again...a mixture of excitement + thrill and regret + dread....

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