Tuesday, May 24, 2005


the scene outside my window is so gloomy today. i hate gloomy days. i hate it when it rains especially if there's thunder and lightning, which is exactly the situation right now.

shoot...thunder just boomed!

when it rains not only will the Astro be out of service, but my house electrivity trips too often as well. then i won't be able to use my pc. and even talking on the phone poses a hazard.

gloomy days make me gloomy as well. it inflicts me to think of all things sad and sappy in my life. and it seems lately people find me emo-ish. am i really? i've always been labelled cheerful and sunny. the sunshine of the room. or so they say. my mum says when i was a kid i was like Winnie the Pooh. Round and chubby, and happy all the time. then she says "don't know what happened but you changed into this sulky, temperamental, rebel of a girl". woah! when did that happen? how can such a drastic change take place without me knowing it? i think it's called teenage years mum.

but really, am i that bad? i know i can be very emotional sometimes. used to cry at every gimrama competition i had. no kidding. i was this cry baby. seriously, even when i was a child my mum called me ham pau but apparently i was very easily cheered up. and then i'd be my happy self again in no time. The fact that i don't wind up watery eyed during a heart-touching movie is still unsolved mystery. but really i cried a LOT back then. but yet people think i'm "bright" and "sunny".

nowadays i cry very much less. and yet i'm emo?? they say people who laughs and smiles a lot are the ones that are putting on a front. they're the ones who are most unhappy inside. uh-huh. am i unhappy inside? i dont' know. i wish i knew though. i think i'm not in optimum state of happiness. but i don't see any reason as to why i shouldn't be. Whatever problems i had with my best friends have been pretty much solved via heart-to-heart talks. and i think i can accept everything now. my education is pretty much settled. as in no more arguments and debate with my parents as to why i cannot be granted the course that i wish to do. and i'm getting a trip to Melbourne in july. that's like bonus!

i think i'm just being uncontented.
i want more out of life.
the hoo-has of being out of school, being 18 and 19, driving around and being in college were shortlived. i had so much expectations out of it. now that i've been there and done that, i wanna go back to school where things were much simpler. either that or fast forward to 3 years from now...i want more zest in my life! i want more activities, more adventures! things that can be achieved when i'm not so tied to my mother's apron strings. i want to target, achieve and enjoy! go, see and conquer!

maybe i should just be Winnie the Pooh and live in the 100 Acre Wood where my only competition is Rabbit in gardening. hmmm...

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