vanity

despite the 3 hour sleep i got, i tore myself up from bed to the shrieking sound of my alarm clock this morning at 8.30. for what? to go to church. haha i know weng lum's gonna think i'm mad. :)

well, i thought i was also at that moment. I was soooo reluctant to go. but then i refused her invitation once, it'll be mean if i refused it again. so yea i went. and i'm so glad i did! ahah ot was good. really it was. the pastor was amazing! haha he was a really really good speaker. Made a LOT of sense. he had a very different approach to his preaching. no offense to my Christian friends but i feel sometimes Christians push too hard when preaching. and they probably don't realise it but sometimes they tend to say it in a way like no one else will go to heaven except for Christians. which is not what we were taught. we were taught that good people go to heaven. Sometimes Christians make it sound like a man can kill, and redeem himself by accepting Christ, but a do-gooder all his life might go to hell just coz he's Buddhist? doesn't make sense right?

well, this Pastor made a lot of sense. he was saying, sure accepting Christ will cleanse you of your sins. But you too must make an effort to stay clean. He says if you have strong faith in God, strong believe in God, then you won't sin again deliberately. Coz you know that it is against the bible. afterall, the bible says to sin is vanity. it's futile. pointless.

smoking, drinking...apparently it's all against the bible. a staunch faithful Christian, technically, is not allowed to smoke. hmm or should we put it as should not smoke. and drink. excessively i guess. :)

yea...i used to wonder why most of the Christians I knew were the "naughtier" ones in school. seriously they were. I mean maybe they have this thinking that, all their sins would be washed away after sunday after all.

anyway, i really liked his approach. and i was truly touched by his entire speech. ahaha but no, i did not accept Christ. hehe I believe in God. I'm a free thinker, not an atheist. and i prefer to stay that way. :)

so i thank Ivy for dragging me there. it was great, i sincerely admit. but let's not make it a weekly affair now shall we?

mid-morning

funny. i don't exactly feel the dying need to sleep. it's waaaaaay past the latest i've ever stayed up for. well, excluding nights in Gene's house, or in OBS. At least in those cases i spent the wee hours in the morning having fun. Now i'm spending it on nothing but the wonderful subject Information Systems 100. Was a bit fiery just now. had a lot of pent up frustration all day long due to the stress i was facing. literally cried myself to sleep last night at about 4 am as well.

feeling kinda neutral now tho. don't feel like shredding my IS assignment guide into bits now. don't feel like quitting Metro either. nothing. feel like i've lost all energy to feel any sort of anger towards the subject now that i'm done. well not exactly 100% done, still got one teensy bit which i have no clue how to do. will ask Shakti tomorrow. shouldn't take too long.

brought my cousins to the playground today. it's been ages since i sat on a swing. i got dizzy today. back then i was the girl who swung the highest. the daring one. now i go an altitude higher and my head starts spinning, my sight blackens. must be the whole low blood count, low blood pressure thing that i have. yup, still can't believe i can't donate blood. me. of all ppl.

it's 4.31 am right now and my air con feels strangely cold. my air con is pathetic. it's 18 degrees C could feel like normal room temperature at most times. but right now my fingers are white n cold. currently waiting for Rudy to come home. where the hell could he be at this time?? why doesn't he just do his work at home? well, i hope he doesn't need much help coz i think i'd appreciate at lest 3 hours of sleep.

4.33 am and i suddenly miss Lyn dreadfully. was explaining to Mei what my "lost butterfly" was all about. haha yea plenty have asked me about it. well, Lyn got it for me. It's a butterfly keychain which i put on my car keys. and what's special about it is she got it for me for no special occassion. she simply saw it at Maggie T, and knowing my fetish for butterflies, got it for me. she gave it to me with a note, that it shall accompany me and guide me through college life. and throughout my college life, it was like part of Lyn was with me. back in Taylor's when she was spending time with aun. and now even more so when she's in IMU. and now that it's lost, it leaves me in a state so...so...lost. i would say that next to my mum, Lyn is the person who understand me the most. i miss her so much right now.

4.40 am. where on the face of planet Earth is rudy wong? oh yea...i finally gathered the courage to tell someone that i'm not interested. my excuse? that i was into someone else. i think he may have interpreted it as i'm taken, but yea whatever. as long as he gets the point. now as for the perception of truth? am i really into someone else? i would say i am. a little. i guess the negativity is due to the humongous possibility of it not working out between me and the person i have in mind. yet i find it rather disturbing that i think of him pretty often.

4.45 am. andrew's funny. haha...been a while since i had a chat with him. wasted i couldn't go just now. but owell. nothing like someone to talk to at 4.45 am. :) am i sensing a bit of jealousy in his tone? haha tsk tsk. never easy to let go of someone that has marked a spot in your life i guess. still have to remind myself not to be judgemental about R's gf just coz she's with R. but he's too good for her!! haha...okok...:)

4.49 am. that's it. i'm so sorry rudy. my sleep is precious. every minute counts. serves u right for not attending tutorials. nite everyone.

i wanna go to JB

i wanna go to JB
i really wanna go
so what if it's too far for me
i still wanna do so!

i wanna catch the video
that's taken from Lumut's race
i just know i shouldn't miss the show
they told me there's my face

i wanna go for sprint again
and try my very best
i wanna be the champion to reign
and outdo all the rest

i wanna improve my timing
i wanna make me proud
and when i end up winning
i wanna say it aloud

my brother won that race before
he's been number one
before i move on for more
it's my turn to have some fun

i really wish that i can go
and prove what i can be
the only way that i can do so
is for me to go to JB!!!

haha...ok that's like the crappiest poem i've ever written. but yea i wanna go to JB. Joy told me i appeared on the video. I wanna see it!! plus, the 4th places this time kinda boosted my spirits to aim for top 3 now. too bad i've got assignments and exams to prepare for. sigh...

*get right!*

have i used this title before? hmmm...doesn't matter...

i just came back from Dance Class!!! and it rawked!!! woohoo~!! seriously i l-o-v-e this new instructor. she's so cool! my former instructor was cool too but perhaps this one has a little more experience? don't know..but she's so funky! she has this whole hip-hopish attitude even when she's outside class, know what i mean?? she taught us the Get Right dance today. that's something out of the syllabus. :)

oh oh and the dance exam results are out. i would say i'm happy and surprised. haha i wonder if everyone else gets results that are as good. anyway, they were selling the vcd for 10 bucks. i think it's like a personal video since they were recording during the exam. so yea i really really wanna see myself.

feels really cool to be under someone who has confidence glowing out from her. it's so refreshing! from now on i declare Wednesday nights to be the best night of the week! used to be friday nights back then when i had gim. then it was friday evenings when my dance class was during that time. and now it's wednesday!!! though starting next sem, wednesday isn't really the day i'd like to end so soon coz my thursday's timetable sucks! back-to-back lectures. i really don't know how i'm gonna pull through that...

anywaaaaaay....today's Oprah had that "he's not that into you" topic again. and it's really really interesting when you get to hear the guy's part of the story. and that guy? Greg? the co-author of the book, haha he's funny. cute too! i find it hilarious when he goes like "bla bla bla..." and cuts the girl off. haha he's just so witty.

*laughs*

gloom

the scene outside my window is so gloomy today. i hate gloomy days. i hate it when it rains especially if there's thunder and lightning, which is exactly the situation right now.

shoot...thunder just boomed!

when it rains not only will the Astro be out of service, but my house electrivity trips too often as well. then i won't be able to use my pc. and even talking on the phone poses a hazard.

gloomy days make me gloomy as well. it inflicts me to think of all things sad and sappy in my life. and it seems lately people find me emo-ish. am i really? i've always been labelled cheerful and sunny. the sunshine of the room. or so they say. my mum says when i was a kid i was like Winnie the Pooh. Round and chubby, and happy all the time. then she says "don't know what happened but you changed into this sulky, temperamental, rebel of a girl". woah! when did that happen? how can such a drastic change take place without me knowing it? i think it's called teenage years mum.

but really, am i that bad? i know i can be very emotional sometimes. used to cry at every gimrama competition i had. no kidding. i was this cry baby. seriously, even when i was a child my mum called me ham pau but apparently i was very easily cheered up. and then i'd be my happy self again in no time. The fact that i don't wind up watery eyed during a heart-touching movie is still unsolved mystery. but really i cried a LOT back then. but yet people think i'm "bright" and "sunny".

nowadays i cry very much less. and yet i'm emo?? they say people who laughs and smiles a lot are the ones that are putting on a front. they're the ones who are most unhappy inside. uh-huh. am i unhappy inside? i dont' know. i wish i knew though. i think i'm not in optimum state of happiness. but i don't see any reason as to why i shouldn't be. Whatever problems i had with my best friends have been pretty much solved via heart-to-heart talks. and i think i can accept everything now. my education is pretty much settled. as in no more arguments and debate with my parents as to why i cannot be granted the course that i wish to do. and i'm getting a trip to Melbourne in july. that's like bonus!

i think i'm just being uncontented.
i want more out of life.
the hoo-has of being out of school, being 18 and 19, driving around and being in college were shortlived. i had so much expectations out of it. now that i've been there and done that, i wanna go back to school where things were much simpler. either that or fast forward to 3 years from now...i want more zest in my life! i want more activities, more adventures! things that can be achieved when i'm not so tied to my mother's apron strings. i want to target, achieve and enjoy! go, see and conquer!

maybe i should just be Winnie the Pooh and live in the 100 Acre Wood where my only competition is Rabbit in gardening. hmmm...

15 going on 21

you know what's the best feeling in the world? when u cross the finishing line after the race. Even better when u did your PB. Even better if you surprisingly won. haha well, i didn't get to the 3rd part, but the first and second i managed to accomplish! haha yay me!

yesterday's New Balance Pacesetters 15km was among my best races i would say. The route was beautiful. the weather was beautiful. the competition was great. I love competitions. they push me to my limits. I think i'm a very motivation/inspiration-dependant runner. It takes just very little to make me lose it. but it takes just as much to give me little bossts of energy. not very good i'd say. i'm very easily influenced by what people say.

anyway, this time around the number bibs were only one per person. so they only wear it on the front. which i found to be quite disappointing on my part coz i usually look out for people from my category that is in front of me. then i'd just give it my best shot to overtake them, which in most cases i do. this time around i had to gage roughly how old is the female counterpart. haha if i couldn't tell (hey some aunties are really in shape ok) then i'd just try anyway. haha...

all in all i'm happy to have slashed my past year timing by 10 minutes!!! that's a huge leap for me. I was expecting a 3-5 minutes improvement. haha and as always, the food they gave after that was delicious! Chicken porridge, free nestle products, milo van milo (nothing beats the milo van milo), pau, tau foo far, lots n lots of powerbar recovery drinks, nasi lemak. mmmm....

met a lot of people. Running is getting more n more fun because of the network of friends i'm expanding. It's cool when i go for a race and people recognize me and vice versa. it's just...cool! :)

considering competition this time around was tougher than usual, the amount of physical "push" i exerted was tougher as well. and as of now, i'm still suffering from post race symptoms - aching thighs, creaky knees, painful ankles. all for a measly medal and free food, you say? haha no satisfaction is greater, if u asked me.

now what say i do 21 km next time around? Ooh Wee!!!

sparks weren't flying

maybe it's coz i've set myself a standard
that may seem to be a tad too rigid
maybe it's coz i've build some sorta mental wall
that may have him put outside of it

maybe it's coz i was set on being stubborn
that may have made me close up inside
maybe it's coz i refused to listen
that may have made me miss his best ride

maybe it's coz i have already decided
that whatever prompts up i'd keep denying
maybe it's coz i wasn't responding much
that may have stopped sparks from flying

maybe it's coz i've made up my mind
that all other odss, i'd refuse to walk through
or maybe it's not me at all that's the issue
maybe it's just the fact that he's not you

it's not that he wasn't a great guy. if i were to follow my list of criterias carefully, i'd say he pretty much covers most of it. Sporty, fairly built, funny, friendly, adventurous. Just when i thought i'd never find someone like that, let alone one that's interested in me. but i just don't feel anything. and i'm not Miss Match or Hitch, but i think i would be able to tell if someone interests me or not. I've had a fair share of crushes, some meant so much to me that they're able to make me weak in the knees if i spoke to them. but this time around, there just weren't any feelings...any sparks...any chemistry. it was a blank date. throughout the entier time though, i had someone else on my mind. someone who, recently, have been on my mind most of the time. i think i'm starting to fall for someone...

just stuff

just some random stuff that hit my brains today...

lesbianism. apparently it's pretty rampant in the so called holy Malaysia. it's not that i'm against it or anything. but it simply ammuses me. how does one realise she's gay? does she find herself strangely attracted to girls and just decided "allright, i'm a lesbian from this day forth"?? and how do they find others alike? i wonder if the process of courting goes the same way as normal guy-girl relationships. and how can they tell if another girl is gay or not? haha just something that i started pondering on and have not stopped till now. haha

changes. yup a lot of changes have been taking place in my life. some reaped benefits. some brought me heartaches. nonetheless, changes have been taking place ever since i was born, and are still taking place. Only difference is i now start to note it like it's a whole big deal. to me, changes are like the angel Death. it's beyond good or evil. it just happens when it's time and no one should question it.

experience. officially i've got 2 ex's. though in actual fact my past relationships involved nothing more than just "hie dears" and fancy birthday presents. we never even went on any dates. so today i concluded that i'm as experienced as anyone who has never been attached.

dating. i was asked out for a drink just now after chatting on the phone for a pretty long time. this so called date is supposed to take place tomorrow night. yea...well when he asked me out, it seemed so casual that it was a mere friendly gesture to me since i ask my guy friends out in the exact same manner all the time. so when is a date a date, exactly? and when do you know if you're leading someone on or not? i often reject guys first, whenever i feel some vibe that it's gonna be an unofficial date, before i contemplate whether to go or not. this is coz i dun wanna lead any guys on. wanna make it real clear that i'm not interested. but this time around my "ok" came out so quickly without even me realising it. coz it didn't feel like he was actually asking me out. then again, i really shouldn't perasan la coz in this modern time and day people can do anything. so yea, should be nothing...:)

exams and assignments. i have a feeling next week is gonna be another week of sleep deprivation, all thanks to my expertise in procrastination. and my exams are not too far off too. if i'm not wrong, my exams start on the exact same day the A Levels finish theirs. joy!. but i shoulnd't complain much since i have only 4 days of exam and the entire duration of it is a week. so i'll be done soon enough! then it's hello to 1 month and 10 days of sweet vacation!

a-m-a-t-e-u-r

am.a.teur
n. One lacking the skill of a professional, as in an art.
adj. Not professional; unskillful. [source: www.dictionary.com]

pretty much how i feel about myself right now. Went to the lake just now with the usual kakis. Then all of a sudden saw a very familiar figure wearing a Team Power t shirt. Stephanie Chock!! yup...this girl rocks! seriously! she's really good in triathlons and duathlons! She even studied Sport Science! I would say she's pretty much an idol to me! and you know what!? today she acknowledged me! She recognizes me as a fellow participant!! Though i'm pretty sure she hasn't a clue what my name is. Doesn't matter. I was just surprised to find she knew me at all!

so siew ghee came up with this idea to follow her pace. i was very reluctant to, since i knew that i was not up to it. but if i ever want to be like her one day, i thought this would be the perfect opportunity to just see where i stand. so, just my luck, as we neared my favourite starting point, she was there too! So off we went, me, weng lum and siew ghee, chasing after her. Honestly, siew ghee did well la since he managed to hold that pace for 2 rounds. I konged after the first. She did a 5 minute flat! haha or more like i did a 5 minute flat! for once in my entire life! but then i slowed down so rapidly in my second round. I started to feel so tired that the decision on whether or not to continue after each round was hard to make. I can't believe that just one stupid quick paced round has the ability to make me feel so worn! darnit!

in the end, what was supposed to be 5 rounds was cut short to 4. and how did i feel? Lousy. Worthless. Amateur. darn it man! i should've just done my 5 rounds! the next time i see her there, i'll follow her for 2 whole rounds and complete 5 rounds in total. I can and i will!

but for the record, I trained with Stephanie Chock today! muahahahah....

5 years back in time

it seems to me that much has past
since the days we were together
and i thought that much had been forgotten
ending it was all i could remember

then again, i clearly recall
the time you asked me to be with you
and i started to remember again
the way i thought i liked you too

that brought up some other memories
the time you wrote me an alphabet a day
and though i acted like it was no big deal
i still have it with me till today

i started to recall the time
you came for my installation
sure i was nervous and fidgety
though i stepped back, i felt compassion

then i remembered wanting to end it
the reason, till today i'm still unclear of
i can only conclude that i was young and naive
and now and then i regret calling it off

i find myself thinking of you from time to time
beating myself up whenever i think of it
feeling like i was a lousy person
and i hadn't cared one single bit

being close friends with you had been great
i can't help but find that you get me
and conversations last till one has to go
and then disappointment arises slightly

nowadays i fear i think of you more
and brush it away like it's a crime
coz i bear in mind that it's impossible
to relive the moments 5 years back in time...

thinking too much...working too little...

anyway, MMDS results are out!!
Check it out!

[MMDS II Lumut]

it rocked! I had the time of my life...i don't know why this time around it was much more fun than the past times (which to date i have lost count of) i've been going for these sorta thing.

Cool roomies? Checked!
Comfy hotel room? Checked!
New cool friends? Checked!
Great race? Checked!
Scrumptious food? double checked! =)

Yea...it's the food factor...haha so i live to eat! Sue me! ahahha we had loads n loads of seafood...ranging from clams, to crabs, to oh chien....mm mamamiyah! Muah! hahaha...

Took some pics to illustrate the fun i had!



that's Michelle Toh-Ellaine-Ashley Lim...wacky roomies!




these two are way cute! Matthew and Timothy (Timmy). 14 and 12 years old respectively...they both did the sprint with me!



Jessen-Me-Sulaiman. hehe Sulaiman is funny wei...darn funny...



I'm sure u guys know this fella. If u stay in Subang, or study in any of the colleges in SS15 i reckon you have seen him at least once, running like there's no tomorrow! He did the full individual! Atta boy, Isaiah!! And i still can't believe he's Kee Lina's brother! haha

yup...as for myself...i'm happy..so happy. My 3k run, 20k bike, 3k run was great...the weather was perfect! Only flaw was i have a feeling the 3k was longer than it should be. Someone please justify with me?? Anybody who took the sprint? I can not do 3 km in 25 minutes! And the bike, which i all along thought it was 15 km, turned out pretty good! i usually take about 28 mins for 10 km on the exercising bike at home, and this time i took 50 minutes for 22 km! *pats self*. I can get used to this. Next time it's the full individual for me! yeaa!!!

And i was so psyched about doing a full tri soon, i went swimming just now with my dad! ahaha i did 500m breaststroke, then 50m free sprint, then 200m breast again. Right now all i wanna do is EAT. I'm soooo hungry~! So the moment daddy, mummy n keith returns from Syabas I'm so gonna drag them all out to Asia Cafe for roast chicken wings!!! ahahhaha

sawadeeka....

Enchanted Chiang Mai...how many of you actually realise that there was such a fair going on in Pyramid?

haha today i went there with Shakti to have a taste of Thai food! it was delicious. I had mango rice and mango kerabu! MmMmmMmm....cost me quite a bit though. Donovan was there again. haha the after-college life of these One Academy students...tsk tsk...:)

then, World Ice Hockey was going on. We were feasting our eyes on some hot woo-chie-mommas in humongous outfits carrying enormous bags! haha...they looked good :) they played pretty well too. then again, who am i to judge? haha...

Seventeen-Samsung Star Search was on in Pyramid. So i decided to try out for fun. Dragged shakti into trying out also. Afterall, they gave a free makeover. :) It was pretty funny. I had to be interviewed infront of a video camera. And i had no talent to show at all. I simply rambled on and on about how i love to be in the spotlight. told them i could dance but since they didn't ask me too, i remained seated. There was this girl who brought ballet shoes and started doing some tippy toe thing. I was like "wow, talk about coming equipped!" Had some photo shoot also which i was totally hopeless at posing! Hey, the least they could've done was tell me how to pose la...i just stood there like some kayu! but it was fun. :)

I saw Katrina (Omar's gf) there, Loh Jen Li there. and later on Emily came, persuaded her to join also. Then saw Fookie and Hwock Chuen! haha cute lah they all. I thought HC was already away at some country. And according the Han Yang, Fookie and Hwock Chuen are an unlikely combination. haha I was actually starting to feel shy and all. haha...

here are some cam whoring moments. hey, when u get a free makeover by a professional make up artist, u make full use of it...and ure digicam...and it's timer function...:)

utter speechlessness...

i'm so loved. that's right. i'm loved to bits. uhuh...no, i cannot be sued for defamation, or false acclamations. i've got evidence. :)

today i turned 19. *gasps* i'm old!!! tsk tsk...i really should not be whining about my age right now. yup, back to being loved.

from the moment the clock struck midnight yesterday, my phone had been ringing off the hook. That includes both my room phone and my handphone. smses were pouring in like nobody's business. 44 of them to be precise. I think i spent close to 5 bucks just replying them. :) I had phone calls that came from Australia, and smses that came from Russia and Singapore. I KNOW!! My email inbox was flooded with emails from my family members and e-cards (yup, still in fashion) from friends across the globe. I received like 12 Friendster testimonials and 5 Friendster messages.

yupyup...however, college was pretty dull. i don't know if it was a mere coincidence that lecturers today decided to prolong the lectures n tutorials. that was a bore! i was struggling to keep my lids open. At least something good came out of it. Shakti gave me cool, long Bonita earrings! That's present no. 2 in addition to the lovely green bracelet Lyn got for me from Vincci.

Lecture finally ended at 5.30 pm. i felt strangely energyless, considering the only workout i did was sit for almost 3 hours staring at Mr Palaya, absorbing as much of Law of Contract as i can possibly manage. which was 5 maybe 10%? came back home, mum somehow inspired me to go jogging. Up SS18 i went, feeling stronger with each step i took as i pounded up the hill. Yea, i don't think anyone else can relate to why i gain strength from exercising. :) But the lack of sleep last night took its toll on me, and i only managed to do 3 rounds around the park, instead of the usual 5. or rather the 5 that i aim to do. *wink*

felt a lot better after the jog. Came home and spotted like 4 unread messages and 3 misscalls? they just won't stop! ahah my little brother was jealous *grin*. Phonecall from brother dearest. Phonecall from Uncle Peter to tell me about Malay Mail. Check it out! It's cool! Phonecall from relatives. :)

dinner with mum. then took bath. came out and saw Most Gorgeous on my handphone. haha...don't kill her guys, but...
pj: do you know that we're coming over to your house later?
me: no. hahah
pj: oops...pls act surprise k? pls pls!
me: pei jien!!! hahaha okok...i'll be more surprised than Julie during her bday surprise. haha
owell, what can i say. :) lucky i found out. since i was about to go makan with my family when Keith came home. :)

then at about 10.30-ish pm i heard the door bell! ahha to be exact, my mum heard it. I didn't. haha..anyway, there they were! the joy bringers of 11th May 2005! Julie, Pei Jien, Siew Ghee, Weng Lum and Han Yang! haha how nice!!

but i think the peak of the tale was when they presented me with my birthday gift! it's uber sweet i tell you! I love it sooo much! If there's a way i can show it to everyone i would! it's just so nice! Thank you everyone who had put their heads into that slide show! Biggest thanks to Julie for thinking of it...since i've been told that you were the mastermind! haha and I heard Beat was too? haha well, doesn't matter who. every person who was featured in that deserves my utmost gratitude! some of your messages were so heartwarming! some were just plain humourous! some were utterly surprising! haha especially those "who's that?" messages...took me a while to recognize some of these people! i loved them all! it makes me realise how well you guys know me, in each and every own inidividual way! ahah it's like i can judge "oh i mean that much to you??" hahaha...let's just hope every word there is sincerely said/typed.

then we adjourn to Asia Cafe where i treated those SYTs (sweet young things) to my favourite roast chicken wing and satay! hehe...

right now, i'm so touched that i'm having difficulty falling asleep. It's times like these that you can afford to lean back, sigh heavily, smile widely and exclaim "My life is perfect!!!"

i'm utterly speechless. i don't think i express my feelings very well. sorry to some of you who expected to see me shed tears of joy *clears throat*. i'm just not one to cry over things like these :) But bear in mind that i do appreciate everything you guys have done for me. and i couldn't have thought of a better birthday present :)

love all of you so much! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

and...
happy birthday hua!!!

* l o v e *

love
notice how this word is so overrated?
how one silly thing could turn your life around
make u just wanna jump up and down
just coz you're so lost for words
and everything you think of is absurd

love
just seems to be a part of everyone
just say the word and you'll have lots to say
about love found, and love that went away
it's all we ever think about
yes even those who denies it aloud

love
used to be too strong a word back then
used to be a taboo when i was a child
and those involved in it were labelled wild
and if i were to be in love with someone
the people who'll believe me would be none

love
was always so planned out for us
we'd dream of the right one
we'd have a vision of it before it even begun
yet hardly does it ever turn out that way
and then we ponder, what happened to "one fine day"??

love
is so overrated...
yet so misunderstood...

best friends n boyfriends...(theirs not mine)

i read an article in Cleo that day...tho i have no recollection whatsoever as to why me, of all people, was reading a Cleo. Think it was coz i was bored and had nothing better to do in the library. so, yea anyway, it's about whether or not you treat your best friend as your boyfriend. i don't recall much of the rules but there was on very very clear cut rule which totally scared me.

And the number 1 rule to show that you treat your best friend like a boyfriend, is when u start getting jealous when your best friend gets a date.

how true is that? I have 2 best friends. no, we're not a trio of best friends. My 2 best friends aren't best friends with each other. Yea as complicated as it seems, u'd be surprised how people so easily underestimate the importance of girlfriendship. they think it's totally normal, and that it's no big deal. Well, being in my shoes, u would definitely understand when i say that it's not easy. The situation somehow involves the same emotions as a couple situation. No, we're not gay. If you think I am, then stop reading now coz you're probably not gonna get me if you go on any further. If you think i'm nuts, do the same.

so, anyway, i went through a lot of what couples may regard as truancy, or being cheated on and all that crap. it may not happen to me, but somehow i think my best friends felt it happen to them. Things got a little better after some heartfelt confession by yours truly to each of them, and we just went on to a whole new level of understanding. however, things went a little bumpy when one of them got a boyfriend. I was in emotional despair. seriously. I went from being jealous, to being sappy, then to being conceited and selfish. i wanted to have things back the way they are so badly that i may have let that get in the way of my best friend's happiness. but much of my feelings were bottled up so i didn't actually ruin anything between them. which i think was why i was a wreck. seriously i was. and at that time, i sorta became closer to my other best friend. i'm not sure if my actions of taking her as just a shoulder to cry on is evil to some of u, but try to view it as i was in much need of support and my gurl was being there for me. and she wasn't just a shoulder to cry on. I had very honestly wanted to catch up with her too, since she was away at NS, and i'm in college, then she in form 6. so yea, there was a lot of sincerity in my heart.

but i guess i can't deny the fact that part of hanging out with her was a form of escapism. i was obviously still hurt from what i can define as being dumped by the other best friend, and i started hanging out with my other girl to escape the loneliness of...well being alone. if it was any consolation, i did this subconsciously. it is now that i realise what i've done. and at that moment, during that period of time, i thought "who needs her when i've got the other?". I was so comfortable with it that my pain and jealousy eventually wore off. i no longer felt compelled to stay angry with my best friend, because while she is with her boyfriend, i could chill with my girl. :)

and very frankly? i thought that would stay. for as long as...well as long as my girl and i remained single and that one fine day, we'll both have our own boyfriends at about the same time so none of us would have to go through what i went through. looks like luck wasn't really on my side. or rather, fate wasn't. my girl eventually found a suitor. and as of now, i cannot deny that history is kinda repeating. i have all this feelings in me that i fought so hard to surpress. i would think that once bitten twice shy, but what i feel now is slightly more coz there's no other shoulder to cry on no more. no one else i can tell how i feel. i used to ask a question. When u have a problem u seek your best friend. But what happens if your best friend is the problem?

guess i'm a doing a practical study on my own hypothesis. however, i seem to have forgotten something. with jealousy, selfishness, and selfpity clouding up my mind, i might have just overlooked the fact that, even as life moves on, once a best friend, always a best friend. today i was called by one best friend. she wanted to meet me before my birthday because she regrets that she can't be with me on that day. and when i met up with her, i poured everything i was feeling about my other best friend out on her, the same thing i did when she first got hooked. and she was there for me, with hugs, and comforting words just like how the other was for me. and yes it was comforting. very very comforting.

that's how i realised that though they have found someone else in their lives, they have never stopped caring for me. the attention may be divided but the heart isn't. and right now i feel like kicking myself for thinking only of myself.

so i have 2 best friends. both of which are seeing very gorgeous, very intelligent gentlemen. and i'm still single. but they'll be there for me. i can count on them. sure there'll be days where i'll probably have to wallow in self pity alone in my room. days like Valentine's day, New Year's eve, or any friday night for that matter. but am i not Ms Congeniality? haha...i'll go call up some other friends. It's not like i'm all alone. And when i get my own gorgeous, built, athletic Jon Johnsson, I'll have Sandra Bullock calling me up! hahah...or not...hey, a girl can dream can she? *wink*

Elated Eleven

ok....for lack of a better word to alliterate with eleven...forgive me...:)

here's wishing my very elated eleven year-old kid brother...
Happy birthday Keith!!!


and another birthday shoutout to the girl who thought me the meaning of diligence and hardwork!
Happy Birthday Mei Huei!


ok for lack of a better photo to put...once again...my apologies...well, guess i need to snap more pics of myself and Mei huei la...:) and i think i now like my short hair more than ever. the long hair just doesn't work for me, based on that pic...:)

too many

i can't sleep.
there are too many things that are bombarding my brain right about now. everytime i try not to think about one, thought of another pops into my head.

thoughts of people getting together with people. haha sweet young love being embraced here and there. it's sweet, really. especially if it happens to someone u really care about. i can just imagine how she's feeling right now. if she reacted anyhow like the way i reacted, i bet she's tossing and turning in bed right now, too lazy to switch on the lights to grab a book, or to blog, yet willing herself to fall asleep. hehe...or she could be deep in slumber right now. i don't know. :) but it's sweet. it really is. and as for me? i feel happy. truly happy. she's muh girl. he's nice. i approve! haha...and then history repeats itself. i'm probably gonna go through the same thing i went through when muh other girl got hooked. not that i should complain. it's the way of life. i'd probably do the same, given the opportunity.

and thoughts about the scholarship. i've always envied my brother being the heir scholar of JPA (which he refused), then the heir scholar of Prime, then the heir scholar of UWA. i've always kinda looked up to him, but yet resent him for it. i somehow assumed that i would never get to be a scholar. i lost all hopes of it when i was rejected by UWC. and now that i've gotten the Star Edu Fund, i feel...different. i feel proud of course, but there's all this pressure that's starting to build up. plus the fact that i'm forced to change my major. and that i have to stay in subang jaya for the next 3 years. i feel kinda scared actually. though i'm not very sure it's fear. i don't know...

and thoughts about Melbourne. my mum says i have saved her a lot of money. she wants to reward me with something else. She was telling me that she would buy me a plane ticket to Melbourne to find my aunt. that's gonna be so cool! not to mention it's winter time there! i'll be having a blast! Plus, if i really get to meet up with Fang, and go on that road trip that he promised me? words could not describe the things that are going through my mind right now! I think it'll simply be the best vacation i ever had!

and then thoughts of Lumut. Meeting up with my OB instructors again. this time, armed with my bike suit and bike! haha that should be cool too! it'll be so different than last year because i now know them on a more personal note. plus, jackie offered to come and meet up with me. since he's got a car there. Right jackie?? come n cheer la wei! hehe

oh and thoughts about my accounts! i haven't told my parents yet. haha i should think they would be proud. even after my not so triumphant Law paper today. But seriously, i'm ecstatic over my acc results. it's a good start!

or maybe it's just the Neslo i took at bistro just now...
don't know...can't sleep...what can i do about it?

* p o r p o r *

por por,
remember when u stayed in Muar?
and we would go down during Chinese New Year?
i used to whine and complain in the car
because the journey seemed to take forever

but the car sickness usually disappears
the moment i reach your house
and when the image of you appears
and the smells of various cooked food arouse

remember that old creaky swing
perched right next to the big old tree?
i used to hop onto the swing and sing
and candles and lanterns lit up the tree so brightly

remember when u shift down here with Sui Ku
and started boiling soup for me?
i could always tell when it's boiled by you
when i compared it with the one at home, it was always far more tasty

remember when you decided to give us gold pendants
instead of ang paus one Chinese New Year?
where each grandchild got their own animal descendants
i still wear that every year

remember when u used to give me that new RM2 note?
and i would refuse to use it?
same thing happened with the new RM5 note
i still prefer to keep it

remember when i told u i love tong sui
and then u started boiling them all the time
and invite us over for a try
that's when all relatives are 'combined'

remember when u got admitted into the hospital then?
and i first gave you my prayer bear?
i can still recall your reaction to that event
i still feel so happy seeing the bear there

porpor,
i cannot say how scared i was
when mummy said your capillary had been broken
and when i went to see the cause
and saw your whole arm swollen

i felt so worried when i came home that night
that i prayed with all my heart
hoping that God would make things right
hoping He wouldn't have to make us part

i prayed so hard for you to heal
for you to grow stronger every day
somehow these things are hard for me to deal
and out of fear, all i can do is pray

i know that you will improve
and you will be out of there soon enough
right now i need you to prove
that you can be strong inside when times are tough

porpor,
please make an effort to get well
try to think more positively
on the negative aspects u shouldn't dwell
you'll see better times eventually...

sweaty pig...

yes yes...i know...pigs don't sweat. they don't have sweat glands. but this one does. and she's sweating like nobody's business. =)

another reason to why my sweat glands are working overtime, apart from this annoying heat wave, could be my high metabolic rate right now. considering the amount of calories i burnt today braving the lushes greens (i am soo exaggerating) of Bukit Gasing. It was undisputedly enjoyable. :) My friends seemed to have fun so I guess it's all good. :) only sad part was my lil bro keith who wasn't really in optimum state of health. He had some food poisoning from a McD chocolate sundae which we had in the ss15 drive thru (i am so giving them bad rep). haha so yea he was in a stomach ache turmoil. Poor fella. I pity him but i am so proud that he completed the whole course of Bukit Gasing even with a bad tummy. Good job boy!

Oh then it was dance class at night in Dance World Taipan. oooh i lurve dancing!

so, i think after what i did today, i so deserve my roast chicken wings in Asia Cafe. BUT, duty calls. My econs essay is almost completed. My word count is standing at 779 while the requirement is 1000-1200 words. i should be able to finish that by tmr. :)

ok...perhaps the fact that it is that awful time of the month in a girl's life somewhat contributed to my whole sweat frenzy today. They always say crazy things happen during that time. i only wish the pain's a little more bearable in such a heat wave.

argh...the cramps...that's it...i'm going to bed...