[ not all that fatt-choi-y ]

I feel bad. No, I feel beyond bad. Something even worse. Something which, to me, is preatty much unbearable, that it starts to taste bitter. Something that kills me the most amongst all feelings. Guilt. Yup. I hate guilt. It gnaws at my conscience slowly but surely. You know what about? The person who sent me that mail.

He's right. I should not have asked him to step down in a mail, and cc it to everyone else. I, of all people, should know that that is as unethical as picking your nose in public. I feel terrible. I know it's a bit of a delayed action, but i admit, it took someone to knock some sense into my thick skull. Someone wise. My brother. That and the fact that it's Fatt Choy season:) Anyway, as much as I am annoyed by that repulsive, repugnant imbecile (hehe ok...just let me let it out ok...:)..) i do feel guilty for what I did. It was wrong, impersonal, unprofessional and plain rude of me. What hurts me the most is that I am a person who places ethics at the top of my list. I emphasize on manners and respect and that sort of thing. And that is exactly the reason why the bitterness i feel is over the top. And the thought of admitting my mistake to someone whom I feel has been wrong all this while is more than testing my ego.

Nonetheless, should I see him in person, I shall apologize and get this whole thing off my chest. It's affecting me already. I went jogging today and lost steam after my second round. And my pathetically lame excuse was because I was tired. I was mad at myself. I also had my brother pacing with me, which doubled the pressure on my shoulders. My brother is...well, my big brother. Do you know how much I look up to him? This Much. That is why disappointing him would be the last thing I want to do. Looking weak and lame when I'm with him is unacceptable. Whenever I'm with my brother, I have this urge to outdo him (which is technically impossible), or at least show something that he can be proud of. I want so much to hear the words "woah you quite fast ar" and I would be beaming. Serious. He has that much of an impact on me.

Oh-kayz...shall we move on to brighter, more ang things? My CNY wasn't all that bad. For one thing, my relatives said I lost weight and that I look prettier. =) And, i got to play with my little cousins! They're now at the age where I can run about with them, and talk to them, and play with them! haha i personally dun fancy babies much. 2 - 5 year olds are my favourite! And, I got to know a lot about my father's family history that I never knew. And as always, I'm the only one who knows among my siblings! :) My dad brought me walking. The air there is not as hot as it is here. Well, at night la. In the afternoon it's just as friggin' hot as good ol' Subang. Saw tonnes of fireworks displays, which was my gimmick for stealing the lil ones' hearts. Karen jie jie bring you go see fireworks! hahaha...it works ok! =)

so here's lil 4 year old Kurt for ya. He's so cute!!