i woke up to the sound of my mum walking rather hastily into the house. i could tell from the way the door slammed and the bag dropped onto the table. i could hear her shuffling in, making a beeline to the phone. i squinted at the clock. 12 noon. my mum's voice was tensed. i perked my ears to listen to the conversation. i heard the words "mother" and "ICU" and "condition's bad".

sounds as though i'm leading into a story of this nightmare i had last night, huh? i wish.

my porpor's in ICU. she's not doing too well. from what i gathered, her lungs have failed her and she's sort of in a coma. she's not conscious. she's currently given oxygen. her conditions have stabled but more serious issues are to be settled. all of my porpor's children were assembled at the hospital.

i dare not ask too much, so this is what i know. my porpor has 2 choices. to be left in her current state with the oxygen tank, with hopes that she will recuperate on her own, or to be given lfie support where she will be conscious for sure, but will forever be dependent on the life support, and bed ridden. the Doc's advice was for the former. Because once she's put on life support, there is an even harder decision to make - to pull or not to pull the plug. and another thing is, life support will cost roughly RM1000 odd a day.

i was at the ICU. my mum and yehyeh were in tears. my uncles were in tears. even their wives were in tears. the air was grave. i looked at porpor as i stroked her arm. her chest heaved heavily to inhale as much oxygen as she can. her feet and fingers twitched now and then. i glanced at the heart monitor afraid that at any second it might just give a shrill beep and the lines will turn straight. my second uncle was talking about a funeral service. my yehyeh was talking about withdrawing all her cash out of the bank. all in between sobs. someone was on the phone with my aunt in Brunei and he said she was trying desperately to get a flight home. to no avail. She must've been crying too because the person she was talking to started to cry.

down at the lounge, my cousins were in tears, and in the arms of their boyfriends. the littlest cousin was starring in yutmost curiosity at all the grown-ups breaking down. i took her out for a walk. brought her to 7-11 to buy some snacks. she said "i donno mummy and daddy can cry wan..." and that did it. a lump formed in my throat. i had to look away. everyone was crying. i needed to just stay cheerful for this zesty little 5 year old.

a while later my big brother came. he went up to the ICU, then came down about 30 minutes later...in tears. my dad and mum told me to go home. Keith has tuition at 7.30 and i had to see to his dinner and transport. daddy fetched me home. in the car i cried. i felt so useless...

just now dinner time, my mum said they decided to forego life support. we shall leave it to God's will now i guess. I can only hope and pray my porpor will have the inner strength to pull through. i can't believe this is happening.

this may seem like a terrible thing to blog about. but quite honestly i've never had a worse day than this. and it may seem a bit morbid but i'd like this day to be recorded. i love my porpor very much but sometimes i think i take her for granted. and it is today that i really felt scared for her. it is today that i really really felt as though she musn't leave us.

i feel so insecure. i'm so afraid that if i fall asleep tonight something will happen to her. and i don't think my mum and my brother is doing too well...