to cry when no one's around

i've always tried not to cry
when my tears could be seen by others
so i could avoid the interrogative why
and spare mysef the criticizers

i've always tried not to cry
when there's people around me
so i could avoid the whispering lies
when people predict what happened to me

but try as i might, sometimes i falter
and the brick walls around me seem to crumble
and kind friends come to pick up my shatters
trying their utmost best to be gentle

and though i treasure their concern for me
though i appreciate their act of kindness
i hate myself when my eyes turn puffy
i hate myself when i spell out bitterness

and it is precisely because of that
that it is far worse, i found
to feel the heat radiate from my cheeks
to feel the knot gather in my throat
to feel the tears well up in my eyes
and to shed them when no one's around

online chats are expressionless you say? i beg to differ. i never knew i could be so emotionally affected by just a conversation over the internet with someone who's miles away across the globe. and it had to happen on the night my family decides to go out for dinner and i decide to stay home and study.

i hate crying in public. but i hate crying to myself even more.

i used to think i was so misunderstood. now i think i misunderstand too much.

anyway, it's all over now. i think. the air's clear now. my family is oblivious to my tears. let's keep it that way. on a brighter note, Yvonne seems to think i'm blog-worthy. Thanks Yvonne! I know your blog has tonnes of readers. i already see 5 comments. i don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. :)