necessity, rather than luxury

i think i'm starting to actually need a boyfriend, rather than want one.

yes...i think the whole boyfriend issue is more of a necessity now rather than a luxury item.

i need one. why?

because, as humble as i can put this, i'm attracting to wrong guys. "wrong" being the adjective to describe the situation, not the guys. i am not particularly shallow. i do place importance on looks but that isn't the deciding factor. there are many other things to consider like, maybe, love and chemistry. i just don't feel interested in any of them. it could be that i am reluctant to let myself be interested. but the bottomline is i'm not.

and unless i can continue to churn out creative (buy-able) excuses to turn them down, i seriously think i need a social status change. i'm not skilled in saying a flat out no. i don't have the heart to do so. or the courage. either way i suck at being direct. i often resort to avoiding the guy, ignoring the guy or asking friends to help me out.

but my creative brain juice is running dry and i really shouldn't be wasting it on thinking up excuses, and i will never be able to say "i'm not interested in you" in the boldest, simplest, most direct way.

goodness...i've brought desperation to a whole new level...

anyway, i just found out last night while tinkering with my videocam software that i have a pretty cool photo editing software. i've been playing with it all day...here are some stuff i've been doing...haha....

someone

i somehow discovered that there is a lump in my neck. it actually does not hurt, nor itch, nor bother me in any way. i don't even know how long it has been there. but now that i've felt it, i can't stop touching it. and i can't help knowing it's there. my mum thinks its the cause of my recurring headaches. she wants to bring me to UH to check it out. my dad thinks it's my lymph node. i personally have no clue.

i paid my dad RM218 today. i owed him that much for STOMP coz i used the credit card to get the tickets. so there goes my gymrama coaching pay. money is so hard earned.

feeling a bit guilty for something i did...

i didn't mean to tell a lie
i guess i just didn't feel like going
i didn't mean to fake an excuse i guess
i didn't feel like explaining

i don't think you'll understand
if i told u i've someone else in mind
someone i don't think anyone would size up
at least not for this point in time

i can't seem to put a finger on it
why i don't want any other
i can't seem to come up with reasons
to tell myself i should search further

someone i know for a fact
that isn't for me to call mine
someone i know for a fact
that has left his past behind

i don't think u'll understand
if i told u, that there is none
that will make me feel the way i do
like that special someone

random absurdity

1. lyn, rosie and I are gonna perform for the holidy villa gimrama grading! woohoo! its been so long since we performed together. ah miss miss MISS those timess...the group routine...the centralised training...the MSSM...the laughing together...the crying together...whoa...precious moments man...

2. i just went to holiday villa to pay mrs khaw a visit and i came home with this:

my pay for just 2 days of substituting her. Darn i should be a coach!

3. i have been asked by Cik Hooi and Pn Wan to do a performance for some makan malam that SMKSJ is organizing. and while chatting with some friends just now i came up with the utterly bizarre idea of doing a performance by an all-teachers'-children cast! i spoke to zhun neay and he thinks its a great idea. now my only worry is getting these people. so..
attention all proud children of SMKSJ teachers. if you will be around on Feb 25th 2006 please try to take part in this. let me know! you got my number!

4. i went to develop the film of the disposable camera that we were given during the hunt. it's been ages since i went to develop photos. hehe feels kinda weird doing so...i don't know why...

5. a new shop just opened in Subang Parade and their beautiful 3 for RM10 earrings are almost irresistable!

i'm histrionic

gee...if i said i knew myself i am dead wrong...

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Personality Disorder:	Low
Schizoid Personality Disorder:	Low
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Antisocial Personality Disorder:	Low
Borderline Personality Disorder:	Low
Histrionic Personality Disorder:	Very High
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:	High
Avoidant Personality Disorder:	Low
Dependent Personality Disorder:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	Low
-- Take the Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Info --

some things just don't change

i was having a chocolate sundae in McDs today...the one that's around the corner from my college.

Shakti and i were just talking about stuff that we've been meaning to talk about but we kept putting off because we just didn't have the time to. haha...

there was a group of students who were snapping pictures. out of the corner of my eye i saw them, and i said "sure Taylor's students..". hehe...i have this theory whereby i can differentiate a Metro-ian and a Taylor-ian when i see one.

anyway, suddenly i heard an unmistakble voice, and amidst the group of camwhores i spotted Jocelyn Kung. my! Gawd knows when was the last time i saw her! haha...she saw me too, and came over to give me a hug. I wished her Happy Belated Birthday as i know she shares it with Titus. The catching up process went like this:

me: hey! its been so so long since i last saw you!
jo: (as high pitched and shrill as before) yea! omg!
me: yea..so how have u been? where u studying now?
jo: there...Taylor's.
me: TBS? or some degree in Taylor's?
jo: nola...SAM
me: eh..why so late? what have u been doing all of last year?
jo: nothing...just hanging around...
me: oh icic...i thought u went NS or something.
jo: (mortified) what?!? no!! do i look darker? do i look like NS material to you?!?!? *gasps and clutches face*
me: haha nola...i just thought maybe u had to go for NS...don't worry...u look fine...why all in black? *gestures to all her friends*
jo: oh..it's a SAM thing...our class just decided to wear black...

hehe....some things just don't change....

the sweet smell of completion

can u smell it? i'm through with projects and assignments! no more for the year 2005!

i'll be presenting one last thing tomorrow morning for Management and that's it! no more researching, and group discussions, and Harvard referencing...

ah! the sweet sweet smell of the year end! soon i'll be done with finals! Done with Semester 2! Done with Year 1!

Things i intend to do during my summer break:
1. Get a job. Preferably one in the fitness industry, that pays well and i don't dread going to.
2. Plan outing with RSGs. This is like a MUST.
3. Plan outing with SJian gang. What is it i heard? Langkawi? Bring it on!
4. Plan outing with G5-ers. Faster come home people!!
5. Challenge my Kor to a 5 km run.
6. Find a partner for Trail Blazer. Wild category this time?
7. Enjoy myself in OBS.
8. Rearrange my room.

Things i intend to buy during my summer break:
1. Roman sandals for OB
2. Hammock for OB
3. Nike dri-fit tights
4. Mountain bike
5. Dress for Teng Jie's wedding

How can I possibly wait?

what drives me??

i've lost the drive to do my work...

my fear gene somehow fails to be working either...coz the deadline for my case study is tomorrow, and i'm not done, and yet i don't feel the urge to continue...

i sit and stare blankly at the pc for hours but end up typing nothing...

i watch helplessly as the minutes tick away but no motivation whatsoever gets my brains working.

why am i not compelled to do my work??

i have always been a procrastinator...but i never fail to get it done. and if so much has changed about my work attitude, i pray that at least that little part of me remains the same...

i will complete my assignments before i hand them in tomorrow.

treasure hunting...

i never knew how straight my thinking was till i did this hunt...so here's my SEFA-Munchy's Intervarsity Treasure Hunt story...enjoy...=)

the thing kicked off at roughly 8 am from Giant Shah Alam. but we were told to gather there at 6.30am. Thus, we left sj at 6 am. I woke up at 5.15am. i slept at 2.45am the night before...*yawns*

2 guys, 2 girls and a Kelisa. that was originally my idea for our team name. the team consists of myself, Shakti, Ronald the driver and Kailash the navigator. Team Metropolitan! =) though we weren't the only metro-ians there.

i think the person who came up with the questions was either super creative, or he had too much time on his hands. and i was told that this hunt's difficulty level is no where near a real hunt. i don't think i'd take part in a real hunt anytime soon.

after hours of gruelling mind boggling questions, we finally arrived at Hotel Seri Malaysia PD at about 1.30 pm. i'd say we fared pretty well, leaving minimal questions unanswered and arriving the 6th. felt pretty good with the team at that point.

had lunch which was included in the fee, then checked in with 2 other girls from PACC, which is an accounting institution (i think) in KL. Communication was limited since there is a language difference. But it was alright.

then we had some team building activities. we were all separated into different groups of 10. Ronald and I were coincidentally put into the same team. i've always loved team building activities, so i enjoyed myself. met a lot of people from HELP, Nottingham, Sistematic and so on.

one activity was to create a mechanism/device out of some newspapers, tissue papers, rubber band, rafia and a plastic bag, to prevent an egg from breaking after being thrown down from a certain height. this activity is a pretty common one i think. needless to say, our egg broke. but so did all the other teams' eggs. hehe...

at night after dinner, they went through the questions and answers of the hunt. the urge to bang my head against the table grew stronger and stronger as we discover more and more mistakes from our answers. its amusing really, how differently a question is perceived by different people. we didn't get into the top 5...but all's good. =)

our final activity was a group presentation on community social issues. our group got won! yay! at least something came out of this whole thing! though by then, i was dead tired. i literally struggled to retain consciousness! haha...

after that, being the typical teenager out on a trip with no parents, i refused to sleep. i always feel holidays are not meant for sleeping. the 4 of us went by the beach to chill....then as dark clouds hovered over our heads, we adjourned to the hotel. the SEFA officials and BOD were having their fun time after a long long day. some of the participants joined in a truth or dare session with lots of booze. we were spotted, then invited...it was all rather...interesting...i guess...=)

the next day, Shakti and i woke up at about 9 am. breakfast was the final meal included in the whole package. then,we went to walk the beach. nicee....=)

at about 10.30 am, we checked out of the hotel. satisfied, tired, drained of energy, we retreated from PD.

still undone - Marketing case study & Management poster presentation...

reality bites...

.:more pics:.

broke the spell

today i broke my feeling-lethargic-don't-wanna-go-running spell which i was under for over 2 weeks. the moment the long winded drizzle stopped i grabbed my Clima Cools and hit the road. the weather was great. afterall, it had been raining since i saw the morning light :) but my legs felt like 2 big bricks. my lung capacity seemed to have shrunk to half its size. and my arms were awfully clumsy.

who would've thought that 2 weeks out of training would turn me into jelly. haha...but it felt great to run again. though i refused to start my stopwatch. haha who knows what atrocious timing i'd be doing with all the huffing and puffing i had to go through to pull myself up the ss18 hill?

i went up and did 4 rounds around the 18 park. i told myself i'd do 5...
then i came down, and only managed up to somewhere after Puvesh's house. i told myself i'd run all the way home...

sigh...

oh well...its too bad that the Titiwangsa Triathlon falls on the 13th of November. Finals start on the 14th. looks like there aren't anymore runs to look forward to this year.

Genting Trailblazer will be up in January 2006. That's something to look forward to. Keeran, come back!!! but no...he'd rather devote himself to Sydney than to be my partner and defend our 2nd runner up position! boohoo...need to find new partner...

any takers? =)

much love...

my thoughts are heavy,
though empty inside,
as i searched thoroughly,
for words to write.

the simple words do no justice
to the person that you are
and the big ones causes a crease
to the picture from afar

i have so much to say
though i can't put my finger on it
there is no significant way
to explain it bit by bit

to be able to express my thoughts
through this, is what i wish
among the ways that i sought
rhyming is still my fetish

anyhow, anywho, i truly hope
u know just how much you mean to me
and i pray that u'd be able to cope
with all the love i give generously!

hehe...lo and behold my lame attempt at being mischevious...what the heck...

happy 20th birthday, Fang!

field trip to Hunk City

its been so long since i went on a school trip. haha...the whole gathering in front of the main gate, climbing into the bus, singing aloud all the way from the start of the journey till we reach our destination. it's fun...even better when it's at night...and best when our destination is Hunk City. hahah...

so the big day finally came. 2 weeks of daily practise, a pair of very strained thighs and one sprained thumb (yes i sprained my thumb, it amuses me too) later, we finally performed at the NBL in MABA. yup...think tall lanky built basketballers in a huge air conditioned indoor basketball stadium. it was so exciting! those guys were TALL. they were towering over all of us. and quite honestly, some of them act as if they've never seen girls in mini skirts before. seriously, too much attention ain't very flattering. and unless you were there, don't call me a gloat.

the performance was great!! though there were minor mistakes here and there. but overall i think we had a significant amount of cheers and wolf whistles. there was someone who shouted "some more some more!" but i have a feeling they only enjoyed the skirt lifting moments.

i was always kinda attracted to basketballers. don't know what is it that makes balls-flying-into-baskets more interesting than balls-flying-into-goal-posts...or any other sort of game for that matter. perhaps it's just baskteballers themselves. darn ying. hehe...i remember one time in school whereby Ju and i were ogling at guys like Sunil and Min Jun. haha those were the days...

performing is so much fun. from the choreographing, to the practising, right up to performing. it just gives me this thrill. i hope it doesn't end when i graduate....

just like you

i couldn't believe what just happened
i don't think i've ever felt so blessed
i could see it in your very eyes
how things worked out i could never have guessed

i never knew what comfort was
till i felt the warmth of your arms
i never knew how it was to be loved
till i felt the sincerity in your charms

i never knew what bliss was
till i finally realised
that i never knew what love was
till i saw it in your eyes

and then it changed
as if on cue
as if everything that happened
was just too good to be true

i felt the morning light
through the slits of my eyes
and the cold air cond room
slapped me with all the lies

i woke up this morning with regret
for that was the last thing i intended to do
to break away from my peaceful slumber
for last night i dreamt of you

you know how sometimes when you've experienced something so great, you feel as though you'll never be able to settle for anything less anymore?

what i dreamt of last night may be nothing close to reality. heck, it may not even go near to sanity. but what i felt seemed very very real. i didn't want it to happen. it was hard enough trying to get over you without actually being with you before. well, at least not in a real way. now i don't think i'll ever move on. not when i know that no one would size up. i know, no one would ever be able to be just like you.

*inhale......exhale*

finally...a breather from weeks of back to back assignments!

my flu's also clearing out. my fever's gone. my time-of-the-month is almost done. =)

i just had my weekly dose of OTH. and as usual, these teen romance flicks are so capable of making me all awww inside. darn....

i don't know what to think anymore these few days. i go back and forth between a state of emo-ness to pure bliss. i shuffle between self loathing and self confidence. i don't usually allow myself to step into self pity, but even that happens sometimes.

things have definitely been much easier now that i've long accepted the fact that my best girlfriends have each a very loving boyfriend. then again, things have also gotten a lot more disoriented.

at times, when given a long enough time to think, i'd wish things would just go back to the way it was back in school. back to times where having a boyfriend would be something we'd only dream of. and we all had our crushes to ogle at and admirers to run away from.

but things will never go back to the way it was. and for a very long time, my best friends and i have always had common wishes. but this...this is one wish that i wish alone. because from where i'm standing, i'm still at that stage, while they've moved on.

the other night someone said something which i frankly find non trustworthy. yet, i can't seem to think of any arguments to debate. as much as i thought that what she said was a whole load of crap, i wasn't able to prove it.

she said that girls often fall for the wrong guy. do we? or do i?

when my heart stops to leap
everytime you send me a message
that's when i'm through with you

when my mind stops clouding up
everytime you talk to me
that's when i'm through with you

when my thoughts stop shifting back
to every moment we spent together
that's when i'm through with you

when i stop wishing it was you
everytime i'm out with someone else
that's when i'm through with you

when i stop writing poems like this
in the late late night
that's when i'm through with you

when i stop worrying that you'll read this
everytime i post it up
that's when i'm through with you

when i stop denying to myself
that there isn't hope
that's when i'm really through with you..

like i said, i don't know what to think anymore.

*sniff*

what could be worse than having a runny nose, a sandpapered throat, stomach muscles worked up by coughs, a hot forehead and cold fingers, sleep deprivation while chasing assignment deadlines?

having all of the above during that time of the month.

i love my best friend

Circle K made a visit to Compasion Home today. i've been there before during my Leo days in smsj...and the home has changed alot since then. apparently, Dato' Asia Cafe as quoted by Theresa, owner of Compasion Home, donated a large sum of money to reconstruct and refurnish the entire place. ah...not only is he enterprising, he's big hearted too! haha...

the kids were pretty fun to be around with. all very well mannered and open. i especially enjoyed the company of Yohan (the indian boy in black in the back sitting row) coz he was singing and dancing most of the time. and i think Isaac (the indian boy in green next to me) would grow up to be very good looking. and Kelvin (the chinese boy in blue in the center with his fingers poised) reminds me alot of my own brother. =) so yea...i enjoyed myself with them...

and as for the Circle K members? they're a pretty fun bunch. i'd definitely enjoy hanging out with them. can't wait for their next club activity.

i was so glad to receive a message from Lyn yesterday asking me if we could hang out today. as i was saying earlier how much i missed her, i really felt like i needed a weekly dose of chilling-with-lyn. everything just seems so relaxed when i'm with her. and the fun we have! ah...it's almost in-born the way we make each other laugh! haha...i know all this sound very much gay but say what u like, i love my best friend!

i really can't imagine how life would be when she goes to Glasgow. it won't be as easy as it seems coz my dear girl logs on to msn like once in 3 months or so. so yea, not having her within driving distance would be so....so....

ah! i don't want her to leave!!! thank God it's 2 years from now...by then i'd only be having one sem left before i graduate, and then it'll be my turn to fly off to somewhere far away to be missed. =)

yan nee came along with us. i have always found this girl very nice to yak with. shirlyn chooses very talkative friends. hehe...i think we often have the same perspective on life. but then again, we're both single and our dear Lyn is happily hitched. so could it be unfortunate that the both of us are on the same wavelength? hehe...perhaps it's time we start thinking outside our box. hehe....

today was tiring...but super fun. right now the reality of my Management project is hammering on the back of my head, that of which for a moment, i had totally forgotten about....

to serve, to strive but not to yield!

*Riiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnggggggggg* (hehe...yes my ringtone is seriously like that)

zainal: hello, can i speak to karen please?
me: yes, karen here.
zainal: hie karen! this is zainal!
me: hie zainal!
zainal: hie! how are you?
me: oh good good...*laughs*
zainal: ok...you remember you signed up to be a CA for OBS? so, you still can? December 13th to 22nd...
me: CAN! yay!
zainal: ok! so i send you the letter la? thanks karen. bye!
me: Thank you! bye!

i'm going for OBS!

*making a change*

to blog or to do BST? to blog or to do BST? blog? BST?....

BLOG!

hehe...i'll work on BST later...there's just too much to blog about...

Violets got second place!!! it was a pity i couldn't stay to watch the prize giving...had to rush home to complete BCM...but yeaa...she won 2nd place! yay! i miss her la...that day didn't get to talk to her much since she was busy cheering and snapping pics and cuddling with her boyfriend...hahah....but yea...i haven't been seeing her and her absence is very much felt....right now i miss her and i wish i had more time to talk to her....

and yesterday...juwita suwito came to metropolitan! she came! she sang! she autographed my CD!! and i thought "darn if only i had my camera!!!" haha...i love her...unlike most local artistes...she can really really sing! and her songs are beautiful! she has a very lisa loeb cum alicia keys touch, i find. ah! love her!!

she came together with some online magazine called Think. and the emcee that day was andy of altered frequency! he, unfortunately did not sing, has a beautiful voice too. i spoke to him. he told me to go watch his band perform in HELP on the 15th night! ah...Andy invited me to watch altered frequency! forgive me, i don't meet cool people who are lead singers in cool bands on a daily basis. unfortunately, 15th night i'd be performing for Metro in some stadium for some basketball tourney intermission. darn you metro!

but like i always say, Godzilla could land in the concourse of Metro and the students won't move a muscle. yup, that's Metro student for u. dead boring people whom Juwita Suwito's performance is wasted on. *sigh*

yea...so that was my 45 minutes of bliss in metro. somebody wake me up when 2007 ends....

it's mrs khaw's birthday today!! so...here's wishing her happy birthday coach!!

and right now...at the stroke of midnight...is my dear brother's 22nd birthday! happy double 2 kor!!!

the digital divide

BCM down!

funny how when you're doing an assignment your mood changes according to the different phases of it. take this assignment for example.

phase 1: when we first got it. deciding on a topic was actually fun. when The Digital Divide has been chosen, i actually sit back and await the time i start doing it, since it seems so long away, yet when it's fresh, loads of stuff come into mind.

phase 2: when due date is around the corner. i realised i have not started a thing. worry sets in as friend by friend approach me with questions like "how to do referencing?" and "how many words?". yea i somehow strike them as Ms Know-it-all just coz i speak "fantastic english". but unfortunately, Ms Know-it-all isn't exactly Ms Efficient. Still put it off as the shorter term commitments are deemed more important at this point. by shorter term i mean things-to-hand-in-tomorrow.

phase 3: the last 2-3 days before the due date. just beginning to re-read the question. stress builds up. now reconsidering the alternative questions. all seem to be so hard. try googling. find lots of information on first decision. settle for that topic. start compiling. start typing. start clicking Word Count every now and then just to see how far off i am. getting sleepier by the minute.

phase 4: assignment done. click print. compile. smile. starts messaging people on msn eventhough it's waaay past late. feel half as sleepy as i was in phase 3. start blogging happily about the completion.

and yes the gap caused by the digital divide should be bridged in order to maintain world peace! =)

anyway, was at IMU just now to catch my dear Lyn in action! Woohoo~!! Go Violets! they were awesome! they were soooo coool!

and Jin Aun who was there going against the Violets. haha Medical faculty vs Pharmacy Faculty.

Puvesh was also cheerleading! and in my humble opinion, he was pretty darn good as well! it's so nice when there are guys to throw you up and down and u land just nicely in their strong manly arms. hahaha.....

the whole Cheer Competition was so darn amazing! seriously, they rocked that tiny building to the core. i'm so jealous. i bet i heard more noise in that 2 hours than all of the voices in Metro combined. The spirit of sportsmanship! i miss sports! i miss the cheers, the team spirits, the energy! everything you get out of Sports Day!

i took many video clips of their performances. if you'd like to have a peek, let me know k?

when 24/7 just ain't enough

see those words zooming past up there?
go figure....

and boo you people who took part in axn challenge and take nice pictures for me to wallow in...boo you!!

tying the knot

ah...sweet sweet love! i spent my 1st day of October not blazing the streets of KL, scraping my shins, and breaking my bones, but rather as the photographer of my cousin's civil marriage at Thien Hou Kong which is a temple at Jalan Robson KL. I've recently been very in touch with my artistic side...haha first it was drawing some artwork for my lil bro's school work. Now it's snapping photos at weird angles. haha...so they don't look all that good...sue me. :)

boy meets girl

yellow roses and lillies did the trick...

making it official

a promise never to be broken

bounded by rings

seek blessings from higher authority

the happy couple

sweet sweet love....