i have an old school mate who would be leaving for oz-land in about 2 weeks time. in an attempt to meet up before she leaves, the group (or rather whatever's left of it) decided to go for a night out in KL. Me being, well, me, i refused the invitation. it's not that i don't want to go out with them. It's just that with all the red tape i'd have to go through without having to lie, the whole affair has lost its appeal altogether. and i can only imagine being pressed against sweaty bodies of unknown strangers in a smoky hazy environment where drugs and drunkards are lurking in every possible corner of the area, that the thought of it was enough to make me hurl.
sides, there are a thousand and one other ways to meet up apart from clubbing.
anyway, there was the reasoning that i may not see this friend of mine again, that she was leaving already, can't i just spare one night for her and so on and so forth. i really don't know. we were close once. then we grew apart. and for some reason, i was never able to patch the gaps between us back. we just grew more and more different in every aspect of life, that when we met up, conversations were formal, and mannerism was polite. it was like meeting someone new all over again. and for that reason, i really can't feel even the slightest tinge of sadness that she's leaving so soon.
because for one thing, i'll probably see her again soon, if not this coming June, then this coming November. Which means it's not exactly forever that we won't see each other. and for another, even when she was around, we never really communicated much. so it doesn't make much of a difference.
it sounds awfully mean i know. what makes it worse is that i am the only one who seems to feel like i'm drifting apart from this group. everyone in it is striving to sew the seems back together with more and more mamak sessions, and more and more dinners and lunches and what nots. everyone in the group desperately calls for a get together the moment any member flies home from somewhere that we actually bid farewell 2, sometimes 3 times a year to a same person. which makes the heartfelt farewell decrease in value with each time.
i can't help it. maybe i have changed. eventhough i think that i have not. but if i'm the only one who feels obligated to attend these meetings then maybe i have. and we no longer see eye to eye on a lot of things. i'm so lost when the girls chitter about current, ex and future beaus. i'm even more puzzled when i try tuning in to what the guys have to say about clubs and bars. i find myself occassionally nodding and smiling just to keep the conversation flowing but most of the time, i really just savour the meal and wait for the right time to say that i need to go home.
i don't mean to be rude. i really don't. but it's not how it used to be. no longer am i the one who'd jump at the opportunity to gather my friends out on a friday night for an iced tea at some nearby mamak. things have changed. times have changed. i dont blame anyone or anything.
i just don't want to be misunderstood as the mean one who turned her back on the group.
6 comments:
I'm right in there with you, so don't worry too much aye?
I've never thought of you as a mean person, and in all honesty I appreciate you all the more for being exactly the way you are; and I'm sure most people, if not everyone, would agree.
as Joe Dirt would say, just keep on keeping on.
=]
There are 6.5 billion people in this world. If we try to satisfy everyone so that we won't appear 'mean', then we won't be living a life of our own.
i beg to differ.
normally people who doesnt show up for farewells and goodbyes are the so called 'pretentious one'.If u justify your argument thru real life experience,im sad to say u have fuckholes for friends.It's always nice to know when somebody is gonna miss you.even if they dont mean it.
as for msn conversation...well,thats just the most pretentious way to communicate.who can sincerely say they fucking laugh-out-loud whenever they type 'lol' or 'haha'?if a half an hour goodbye thru msn is better than seeing someone in person is good enough for u,i must say i've found someone colder than i am.
oh and karen,you shouldnt try to grow up too fast.
whoa...4 extreme comments from 4 very extreme people.
hahah okay...first up, i think neither of u actually got what i really meant to say. and maybe some of u might even be offended. so just to clear things up, no one is to blame la k? im just...soul searching...if u please...
jote, thats a very sweet comment. thanks. i know u got my back...i got ures too. :) keeping on keeping on...=) pleasure to meet u tonight.
kor, i am not trying to please anyone too, so yea dont have to worry abt me not loving my life. u know i will. haha...
and as for Mr Ng, im shocked to see u comment. i should really bear in mind that u actually read my blog. i appreciate ure comment. and ure concern. but things are a little more complicated then just msn chats n farewells im afraid. involves heckuva lot more emotions.
dan, also just as surprised to see ure comment here. don la be pissed. ppl just trying to understand my fickled mind. and im not trying to act mature or think out of the box or whatever la. just feeling different. i'll talk to u on msn la.
Gee sis, you sure have some PMSed friends.
hahaha...
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