Wednesday, December 28, 2005

the void

for the past 3 days i've been tuning my clock to ring t 7 am. Big bro's it's time to whip both myself and him into shape. hence, the reason why i havent exactly been online later in the night, and also probably the reason to why my blogging has been on the low side. my bad. =)

ever since i came home from OB i have this draggy feeling. i feel moody and agitated. and i tend to feel sleepy very frequently. i do miss OB. no doubts about it. but very very frankly, it aint so much about missing the people in OB and all. I miss them, true, but there's always MSN and Friendster that makes distances halved in a nano second. so there's not much room for missing them. And of course i miss the activities. where else can i kayak a single kayak for over an hour, or climb a genuine rock wall, or get stung by unseen and unheard of before insects. i crave for that too, but there's a limit to how much i can take Mother Nature. There will come a time when i yearn to come home to my comfy bed and air-conditioned room.

what saddens me most about the end of OB is the fact that i'm back to face the harsh reality of my life. (which may sound overly exaggerated but on...). i'm not going to put up a facade. things have changed around me. my friends have changed. i just got home from one of those spontaneous mamak sessions. i had fun. there was a point i had stitches in my sides. but there was also a point where i was completely clueless and lost. and for a split second i felt like i didn't fit in. let's face it. there are a lot of stuff which i do not do, which my friends do. and i would try it for the sake of fitting in more, but that's just wrong. and sometimes, i get this vibe like they think of me as Ms Goody 2 Shoes, however lame that my sound. but it happens. there will come a moment where this pang of loneliness would just stab me.

then there's him. the more i talk to him, the more i see how things are just not meant to be. and i do want to move on. very very desperately. i really want to get rid of that queesiness that comes after each conversation i have with matter how short it was. and most importantly, i really want to enjoy love songs without feeling like i'm missing something. i want myself back.

and there's my studies. i didn't quite score in the last sem. I almost failed one subject, which freaked my parents out. they fear that my scholarship may be withdrawn. and after i have tried so hard to ask them to trust me, and to convince them that i know what i'm doing. they're going to go back to keeping an eye on me. all the more do i wish i could go abroad!

i really don't want to be all moody, and emo. but it's the festive season. and it's hard not to feel the void when it's all around you.

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