Friday, April 30, 2010

The uphills of life

I've had a rough week. It started out with having horrible mid terms. I messed up the first paper, and then with my misery, there was a domino effect onto the other papers as well. I kept trying to redeem myself, and work harder for the next paper, but i was let down by my own foolishness time and time again.

If i were to rate my mental strength on a scale of 10, I'd give it a 5. I am a passionate person, but I lack the drive more often than not. Somewhere along the way, the dry cold weather, the bitter winds and rain, the never ending demands of medical science, the constant battle with memorizing things I don't need to learn, the lack of family and friends, the weight of my emotions, have all stripped me bit by bit of my motivation to do this course. I now find myself wondering the purpose of continuing, if not to not waste the past 2 years and my family's live savings. I've lost the interest in, not my course, just the studying. And I've most definitely lost interest in this place.

Who was I trying to kid? I hate studying. Yet i dove into another 3 year full time degree just to get myself into the field I wanted to be in. I didn't want to just "do a certificate course" because I didn't want my "not-so-desirable" qualification to outshine my "truly desired" qualification. This one had to be better, if not at par. I know nobody is going to judge, but I would. And it would annoy me if I had to live my life knowing I was a graduate in a course I didn't intend to use, and only a "certified" in a course I wanted to be identified with.

That was initially.

I now no longer think of my first degree as an obligation. It was a good investment, for my future. And what I am studying now would set me apart from your regular personal trainer at the gym. I'd actually KNOW what I'm talking about. And with both my equal qualifications combined, I intend to make a change in my own country. That is the plan.

And I still want those dreams. Now more than ever that ideas are rapidly forming in my head day after day. I want to get started on them! I want to move, progress, take a step UP! But the journey seems a lifetime away with the amount of studying, assignments, lab reports and exams I have to endure before I can begin. And my level 5 mind is extremely tempted to just give up.

But my ego refuses. I want the degree. I think it is becoming less of a passion now, and more of a necessity. I want the darn degree, if it kills me. I have come too far to turn back. I am not going to walk away in vain. I have had to put up with a lot of crap this past 2 years I should at the very least bring home that piece of paper that would define my future.

Yes I've had many rants this semester. Please don't think I'm not trying to be happier. I am. But Auckland keeps screwing me over...

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