How many times must I deal with disappointment?

I guess I shouldn't be complaining
I know I didn't work as hard
But somehow that's the best I'm giving
It was how I was from the start

I never like to study
I'm just not cut out for it
I wonder if I chose correctly
I wonder if I am fit

Today's test was freakin' tough
I thought I was gonna like it
Guess "Physics, my favourite" is a bluff
My knowledge was only that tiny bit

I think I'm pretty stubborn
Not only to others but myself as well
Why is it I never learn
To study hard and do reasonably well?

Every time a test is near
I tell myself I will try my best
But sitting for it, I'll start to fear
Once again I should've studied for the test!

Results come back and disappoint me
They reach my parents and disappoint them
Which, disappoints me again eventually
Till everyone's deep in disappointment!

I've gone through this cycle before
I really should commit to commitment
I must not slack anymore
So, I don't have to deal with disappointment...

another perfect day...

Can't get out of the bed (I know the feeling)
Alarm clock next to my head (A ring a tingaling)
Want to sleep instead of dealing with schoooooooool
Hit the snooze button twice (It's way too early)
Shower's cold as ice (ch..ch..chilly)
Spilled my crispy rice that's so uncoooooool

Ruined my skirt, and my feet kinda hurt
Coz i'm wearing too much shoes
Got into shit but i ain't gonna quit
I know how to beat this blueeeeeeeeeeeeeees

I just close my eyes and saaaayyyy
Another perfect day!
Another perfect day!
Another perfect day!

Having exams now...kinda sucky...but i guess it'll be over in no time...3 more days...3 more papers...no sweat! ahahha think my only fear is chem and maths! but this does not mean i will score for the rest...I'm still on the pass or fail basis here? haha...

Haven't spoken to you
For a few days now
Feels a bit lonely, true
But there's something else too
Wanna explain but i dunno how

Part of me wishes to see you
Part of me wishes not
I like you, i do
But there's other feelings too
Feelings i thought i forgot

When i was unsure about you
When i thought i made a mistake
I thought about it through
Realised I shouldn't blame you
Just for my satisfaction's sake

But in these few days
I wonder if I'd be wrong
To go on with this craze
Seems like a neverending chase
Should i just move along?

not so sure anymore...

At first i thought, you're interesting
You gave a new perspective towards guys
Things we talk about are amusing
Made me feel like giving it a try

I thought I finally found someone
That could match everything R had
In fact I almost thought you're the one
That was better when I compared

But tonight I felt a bit different
I feel as though I have changed my mind
Your intelligence might be a deterrent
Guess i'm not into the smart kind

But then i started to think again
And again I think I'm not that sure
One possible reason I managed to obtain
My jealousy might have made me detour

I thought about you and your ex
About how you both were said to be perfect
I guess my fear is quite complex
That my simplicity you migth reject

Then I thought about the girl you call
And talk for hours almost everyday
You 2 must have clicked and all
To have so many things to say

Maybe it's not jealousy that i feel
Maybe it's the fear of disappointment
I guess I fear that I'll never be ideal
Thus, I dare not make a commitment

So the focus here isn't on you
It's what I think of myself really
I thought it would finally come true
Guess I'm not that sure already...

Jus know i suddenly felt a pang of sadness as i talked to E. He seemed so sure of himself all the time...makes me wonder if my low self esteem could match him. What if he thinks of me as someone not at par? Then the phonecalls? what if he has feelings for that girl? Or feeligns for his ex? I dunno...possibly I could be saddened coz he cannot meet up with me tmr due to some rearrangements. Or maybe i'm just saddened coz fate doesn't agree?

OR maybe i'm just thinking of R because he jus msged me after centuries i have not seen his name on my phone. Maybe i'm not totally over R. I tried to avoid meeting him this morning coz of my new haircut. It just happened naturally. In my phone are the 4 messages i recieved months ago from him...rejecting me. I didn't intend to keep them for so long. But i didn't come around to deleting them either. sigh...

HoW i LoOk LiKe nOw...

Feels good

It feels good
When I drive myself to college
When I reach class on time
When I pay attention in class
When I finish an uphill climb

It feels good
When I make someone laugh
When I dry someone's tears
When I just make a difference
When I'm around my peers

It feels good
When I have a change in life
When I try out something new
When I realised something good
When my problems are few

It feels good
When I just get along
With everything and everyone
When I wake up in the morning
And a new day has begun

Beginning to count my blessings here...trying to make myself feel good as often as possible with the hope that by doing so, I make others feel good too...and hopefully make the world a better place. i'm serious! ahahah it's actually all part of improving myself, but then i thought, might as well improve others too. And i started off by getting a new haircut! I look good, thus i feel good! And wonders upon wonders, I studied chem tonight. I actually got down to studying it! woohoo!

An excuse or a confession?

You added him and spoke about me
About you being his competitor
You spoke about your interests in me
And he became your challenger

You both argued about who's the best
And pointed each one's mistakes out
You tried to put each other to the test
And I was all it was about

Frankly, i can't help but wonder
If the things you told him were true
Things you said about my character
Did it really come from within you

Then there was what i just said
This time I told him I liked you
Was it somethign i decided to create
Or did i really mean it too

Somehow I did have to choose
Between ignoring and confrontation
So while it was meant to be an excuse
It was actually a confession

To tell or not to tell? I decided for it. Here, i mean to tell K that i like E. And i did...jus now...hoping that it would appear to him as "get lost and get a life!" but no...he still ain't giving up. sigh...anyway, now that i have said it out i guess i have the right to ignore him...
How abt E? time will tell i guess...=)

a little "me" time....

The sun's gone down for another day
Everything is settled down okay
My mind ponders on what happened today
Night is silent, yet I have a lot to say

One by one they all start to leave
Off to bed for some relief
Nobody out there is up to mischieve
No one with some tricks up his sleeve

At the time there isn't any sunlight
Quiet time in the middle of the night
Everyone rests and sleeps tight
This is when the time is right

During this time, I think things through
Things concerning everything I do
Even things that i said, too
Especially things that concerned you

I watch as my thoughts replay
Try to look at it from different ways
Wonder about the image i portay
As I go through life everyday

I witness from a third party
How others see and think of me
I observe and analyse how things could be
Between you and me eventually

This is what i call "me" time....

Was thinking of submitting this to Winanga-Li....=)

during mr chin's class...

Once again I find myself
Trying hard to stay awake
I should have known better
I should have tried harder
Not to stay up for your sake

I'm going through another phase
I wish I'm mentally stronger
I never used to have difficulties
When I was setting my priorities
But now it seems to me I've grown softer

The reason why i act like this
Occurs to me as crystal clear
Though I try not to admit
I try my very best to avoid it
But I've fallen for you...I fear

I wrote this at 9.46 am during mr chin's lesson today. Hey, it was better then falling asleep ok. There u have it...i finally said it out to myself (well, typed it out actually). I think...well, i think he's all that i can think of. But i wun do anything now. He's still unofficially attached to his ex gf. and i still think i JUST met him...it's too soon.

early in the morning poem...

running out of titles...hehe

The things you do for me sometimes
Kinda strike me as gestures of care
It gives me the impression that
You really want to be there
But sometimes I think to myself
That it's all about being a friend
That you just wanna help me out
Just a friend lending a hand
You still have feelings for her
It's so obviously true
And I am in no right at all
To complicate things for you
I myself can't seem to make sure
What my heart intends to choose
I'm scared that instead of getting all
It is all that i will lose
My thoughts are still unstable
I tend to wonder off sometimes
Sometimes I think of R again
Others I think of the old times
I think of mistakes that i have done
And sometimes i feel regret
Guilt builds up once in a while
Things I did i'll never forget
But life is about taking risks
Confronting problems in the face
To take the step is what it takes
For me to win the race...

I think my heart's kinda flighty...but i'm sure that i'm totally over them. I just think of times i had. I miss those times. D for being my first bf, F for being the best suited one for me n also my 2nd, H for the first person to confess to me over the phone, R for being the guy I probably will never forget...ever, and now E for starting a new page in my life. We'll see how this story ends...

Little birthday present

On this very special day
I have only one wish
To enjoy myself in every way
Even if it means being naughtyish

I'll still do my work as usual
Just have a different p.o.v to it
I wouldn't be just so cruel
To just have fun and abandon it

People started wishing me already
Though i don't really feel
Like how i'm supposed to be
Somehow today doesn't seem real

But as i speak with you
You make me feel happier
A little more special too
A little bit brighter

I guess it's what I'll take as
Your little present to me
You somehow outdo the rest
In understanding me...

so much for standing up! i can't concentrate! sigh...i was supposed to do chemistry today? and i didn't...argh! I think i'll finish my maths homework. It's the least i could do to make me feel more satisfied tmr...it's the least i could do for myself...
Thanks Julie for calling me...you're the only one...=) thanks to the rest for your msgs thru sms n msn n icq...u guys are the best...=)

Stand up...

My grades are slipping
I'm totally not doing well
It's very disappointing
My mum's worried, i can tell
I can see myself falling
I'm lacking concentration
What am I doing?
Why can't I pay attention?
I'm slacking big time
It's obvious by my tests
I really flunked this time
And I did not do my best
No point whining now
There's not much left to do
From today forth i vowe
I'll work my way through
People fall all the time
It's all part of life
But I'll only commit a crime
If i don't stand up and continue to strive!

Yup...no more weeping...no more wallowing in self pity...no more giving up...no more complaining. I'm sick and tired of myself. I spoke to the representatives of UWA and other Aussie Unis today and i'm quite sure I wanna study in one of them. I will do my sport science course and show them that I can actually be someone in future....I will also quit thinking abt Mr Right and Mr He's The One. You do not find love. Love finds you. So let it find me. If it doesn't then it isn't time. I'm through with the whole waiting and heart breaking. I'm a new person. I'm standing up and moving forth. I will make it...

* m e *

HAve yOU EvER.......

* KISSED YOUR COUSIN? : hmmm...yea...not in the way ure thinking...the small babies are irresistable...=)

* RAN AWAY?: nola...i LUV muh home...

* BROKEN SOMEONE'S HEART?: urgh! tell me about it.....

* HAD YOUR HEART BROKEN?: ahhaha....sing it usher! YeAh!

* CRIED WHEN SOMEONE DIED?: erm...dun think so...but i had nightmares n like cold sweat n all....

* BROKEN A BONE?: nope...though byt the rate i'm going i might...

* DRANK ALCOHOL?: Jolly and anglia Shandy! ahahha..kla a sip or 2 of Vodka

* CRIED IN SCHOOL?: a few times...as shameful as i'd like to admit....

[...::This or That::...]

* COKE OR PEPSI?: wat's the diff?

* SPRITE OR 7UP?: ditto...

* FLOWERS OR CHOCOLATES?: ahhaha chocolates! anytime....

* QUIET OR LOUD?: Loud ppl rock! I'm Loud! Woohoo!!

* BLONDES OR BRUNETTES?: black....truly asian!

* TALL OR SHORT?: ahahah doesn't really matter as long is in proportion

* JEANS OR SHORTS?: jeans...

*..::The Last Time You::..*

* SHOWERED?: erm at 7 sumthing after jogging...

* SANG: i sing all the time....

[?...::What/Who Is::...?]

* YOUR GOOD LUCK CHARM?: me, myself and I akakka

* PERSON YOU HATE MOST?: sometimes it's myself? bet u all go through it once in a while

* LUCKY NUMBERS: 11...11....11....love 11....

::?::What is your favorite..?::

* COLOR/s?: bright green...bright red...bright orange...bright yellow...or jus plain Black!!

* MOVIE?: serendipity

* BOOK?: aakakak Fearless...

* SUBJECT IN SCHOOL?: right now? NONE!!! i'm failing chem...i'm not doing well in both physics n bio....my maths is like down the drain and ENGLISH...well the research project has sucked every ounce of interest i had for the subject....

* CARS?: Kelisa! ahahha...actually i like bikes...

* ICE CREAM FLAVOR?: chocolicious!...actually things like cookies n cream...or butterscotch...ahhaha luv them jus the same...

* HOLIDAY?: everyone

* SEASON?: winter!! with snow!!

* BREAKFAST FOOD?: american breakfast...bacon...bull's eye egg...sausages....mmmmmmmm

'::...Who...::'

* MAKES YOU LAUGH THE MOST?: funny ppl...jokers...siao ppl...

* MAKES YOU SMILE?: ppl that care....

*?::Do You Ever::?*

* SIT BY THE PHONE WAITING FOR A PHONE CALL ALL
NIGHT?: yea...not it's sit by the com n wait for the icq or msn message....

* SAVE AOL CONVERSATIONS?: icq...yea....last time

* SAVE E-MAILS?: ahha yes yes

* WISH YOU WERE SOMEONE ELSE?: so bad....sometimes la

* CRIED BECAUSE OF SOMEONE'S MEAN WORD?: hmmm...jus one word? not too sure...but someone's mean deed yes.....

\*\::...Have You...::\*

* FALLEN FOR A BEST FRIEND?: hmmmm.....nope...dun think so...they know all me bad habits! ahahah

* MADE OUT WITH JUST A FRIEND?: i'd be lucky if i even make out with a special person

* BEEN IN LOVE?: ahah i think so...yea...

* BEEN IN LUST?: lust? as in sexual n all? or just like like oni? hahaha no sexual interest....just plain puppy love...it's called infatuation

* BEEN KISSED?: never been kissed here....

...::Who was the last person::...

* YOU TOUCHED?: touched? my mum

* YOU TALKED TO?: lil bro...jus wished him happy birthday

* YOU HUGGED?: errrrrrrrrr.....julie? when she came back?

* WHO BROKE YOUR HEART?: that one....that one....aih....sad case

*..::Do you::..*

* COLOR YOUR HAIR?: ahahahha i TrIeD to...it didn't work out

* HAVE TATTOOS?: plan to in future....shhhhhhh

* HAVE BRACES?: nope...envy my teeth! =D

* HAVE PIERCINGS?: ears...ONLY

* HAVE A BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND?: had....not now

* EVER GET OFF THIS COMPUTER: ahhaha seems less nowadays...hahahah

food for thought? ahahha well, i didn't do well in bio as i thought i did...sigh...not doing well in anythign here...i'm so doomed...need to buck up!!

HOW??

I don't know why he wouldn't give up
Haven't I told him how i feel?
I kinda think he's putting on an act
Why don't he just go on for real?

I know that I have been wrong
I should not have fallen so easily
And expecting him to give up now
Is actually quite mean of me

But I've already told him that I don't
Think it's gonna work out his way
He thinks we might eventually be together
He's hoping I'd realise some day

I won't blame him for having hope
For who am I to confirm the future
But it's obvious for now it wouldn't work
I wish he'd stop giving me the pressure

I told him today that time will decide
And unfortunately, that gave him hope
But it is true that it isn't my choice
And fate will help me to cope

But for now, this very instant
I have my very own hopes too
To have someone as a close friend
Someone as great as you...

K is still on my tail...i dunno what part of NO doesn't he understand. sigh...but i shouldn't complain. I brought myself into this...and it is true...i can't tell the future...=)
the other one, though, pls note...i'm still not admitting...i want him as close friend...someone i can rely on....=)

admit...

Sitting here by my computer
Thinking of the things that happened
Don't think I've had times better
Then the times i had with my friends

Last night was the ultimate best
It seemed as though everyone was happy
Everyone had something to confess
Out it came everything spicy!

But it was last night that i think
I said things i didn't want to say
Things i said seemed to sink
In my mind the whole day

I know myself fairly well
I know how i can control my feelings
How to hide them i can tell
I guess my heart needs concealing

I usually won't start to like someone
Until I actually admit it out
I didn't actually say he was the one
But he was all i talked about

I didn't dare to say i like him
I won't till I know for sure
That's how i keep my feelings in
But last night it became an exposure

But I still won't say i like him
It won't be true till i say it
Knowing me, I'll start to feel
The moment i begin to admit

Just now i met him again...went jogging...haha he's good!

They're back!

Tired...can't rhyme tonight...
but I'm so darn happy muh gurl, Julie and muh stud, Fookie's back! haha missed u guys soooo much!! =)

oh and tonight I had a long chat with Fang! ahha (he requested i added his name in here...)

so yea...there you go...my post for tonight...=)