on leaving

I don't know if I have told any of you before, but I, although generally quite a positive, happy person, sometimes wonder what would happen if I died.

Haha...it's nothing really, I'm perfectly fine. I just wondered what would happen to the people around me.

My family would grief, I know. But how would they remember me as? When they're reading eulogies at my funeral, what sort of things would be highlighted? My personality? My achievements?

And my friends...I wonder who would really feel my absence. I wonder if i touch anyone's life, if knowing me made a difference to anybody. I wonder if a great number of people will be at my wake, I wonder who would cry, and who wouldn't. And I wonder if anybody will step forward and want to continue what I had set out to do, that is to make a change in Malaysia.

I've recently started watching a new series, yes when the sun sets in Auckland, there isn't much else you can do save for going to bed. It's called Drop Dead Diva, and it's about a girl who dies, went to heaven, hits the "Return" button and comes back to live in another person's body. So she would have to assume the life of this new girl, who is the total opposite of her. But she still has every memory of her past life, her boyfriend, her family and friends etc. So she has to struggle with seeing these people while being a complete stranger to them. Anyway, she was a shallow person in the past, a stereotypical bimbo, whose dream was to be the model on The Price is Right. But she came back to life as a chubby lawyer, very intelligent, very workaholic. =)

So anyway that got me thinking about where I stand. When I die, I don't want to be remembered as an empty vessel. I want to be someone who has touched the lives of many, whose words are remembered by one maybe two people who had come to me for advise. I want to be a great big sister and little sister. I want to be a great daughter. I want to be a really special wife to some lucky man, and an awesome mother to some lucky children. I want to be the founder of a company which gave people new breaths of life, and a boss to happy employees who learned heaps from me and runs off to pursue big dreams too.

Kinda puts my life into perspective, you know. What do I want to do with my life from here onwards? Am I going to fill it with meaningful things? I sure hope I will. =)

painting nails at work

*edit* Gene Simmons it was =P
so im sitting at the reception of a women's gym in Sylvia Park, painting my nails black, and watching Facebook feed me updates. Shocking, I know.

Not your every day scene at the gym definitely.

But it's quiet on weekends. And for once the boss has decided she didn't want to work today. That very rarely happens. So I'm here by myself, and there is/are possibly only one or two souls puttering about in the gym.

I'm painting my nails black for a fancy dress party tonight. I've been cracking my head all week thinking of what to dress up as, because the theme was American and Mexican stereotypes. Which is everything. Until I watched the new episodes of One Tree Hill, followed by Glee. Now I've decided to go as the famed rockstar from KISS.

So I've got my face paint ready. I'm doing my nails. I'm getting all excited. I'm reading my email. I'm surfing the www. And then, bam! I see this:

Saturday May 29, 05:00 AM
Gene Simmons accused of sexual assault

Gene Simmons is the lead singer of KISS btw.

haha...maybe I should just go as Lady GaGa.

29

29 days to home.

still sick. but getting better. :)

Auckland rains too much, this winter.

watching a German film tonight.

currently car-less, it's at the mechanics for insurance assessment.

i made a list of food to eat already. 29 days too soon? i think not. :)

thought of you.

kahawai

I caught my first fish!

enfermo

Estoy enfermo.

I caught the flu. Winter 1, Karen 0.

I called in sick to work today, but I feel kinda sad doing so. Because that's $120 I'll be missing. Damn. I hate being a casual worker. No work no pay. But, on the other hand, I've not had a Saturday off in a long time. I wonder what I should do today. Well, I obviously need to do my report at some point. But right now I'm just soaking in the free time. =)

I'm hungry. But my throat does not like the idea of toasts, nor cold breakfast cereal. And there's nothing else u can eat here unfortunately. I miss kuey tiaw soup. I dreamt of my family this morning. I dreamt I was walking down the staircase, there were heaps of people at home, and I was snaking through them to look for my mum. Because she would know what to give me if I'm sick...boo~ =(

I'm such a baby, right? Well, I could really use hot soupy noodles right now but I can't get any. Not at this time anyway.

I've slept for about 10-11 hours. But I still feel like sleeping. I'm not exactly sleepy, more I can't be fussed to do anything else.

meh. im gonna make porridge.

Are you who you want to be?

are you who you want to be?
does your heart feel right?
does the smile you put on every day
seem to fade away at night?

do the steps you take to where you're headed
seem like they know where they're going?
do the visions in your mind
appear without you willing?

are the voices in your head
contradicting the ones in your heart?
did you just decide to play a role?
when did you assume this part?

were the happy memories you try to tap into
able to take the bitterness away?
are there still questions left unanswered
and words you had meant to say?

are you sure of what you're sure of?
did you just push away more thoughts?
will you ever find that idea of a happy ending
you swore you had bought?

Hunua

Wow, what a weekend. I just had a pretty busy 3 days, and it felt quite good. They weren't great plans. But they were plans. And I like being this busy with social obligations. Makes me feel a little more me.

On Friday night I attended a friend's birthday party downtown. I was debating it in my head, wondering if I should go, because I didn't really know many people who were going. But then I figured it would be more fun than to stay home and write my report (which I really should've done a bit more) so I chucked on my ruby red boots and drove to town. It turned out quite nice, met a guy who seriously is Weng's doppelganger. And got many compliments on the red boots. =)Weng's doppelganger in black. Doesn't look much like him here, but i swear he TALKS, ACTS, WALKS like Weng.sorry i just had to put this picture up, because I never knew my biceps could look that good to be honest. haha...it's a farce though, I can't even do 15 push ups. oh and the birthday girl is Mok, in the middle. =)

Saturday I had the usual work from 8-4 in Sylvia Park. At night, thanks to dear Ben, Hani and I went to watch Avenue Q! In case you didn't know, Trekkie Monster was the one who popularised the The Internet is for Porn video. Anyway the musical was hilarious. I laughed for 2 hours. I kid you not. It's a little crass, and not really my sort of humour, but maybe it's the puppets, and the dance moves, just got me tearing with laughter! If it made ME laugh I dare say it'll knock your socks off! Go watch it if u have the chance!
This morning, I went for a trail run with Ruth in The Hunua Ranges, about 50km from Auckland CBD. It was the first race of the Xterra trail run series. I signed up for the 22.1 km super long category, thinking it would be a nice long distance in the name of marathon training. heh. Though the distance is half of that of a full marathon, the time I took was almost the same! It was possibly the toughest trail run i've ever done in terms of energy requirement. Here's the profile.I saw this before the race, and kinda had it in my mind the uphill climb began only towards the end of the race, so i didn't expect to go uphill till probably 15km into the race. But no...it started waaaay earlier and I think I completely exhausted whatever glycogen I had in me. My legs felt wobbly, with every step i took running downhill, I swear I was going to fall. But I didn't. Well, i fell twice. But that was because the route was really muddy. But yea I was so tired my vision became blurry. And running downhill is quite technical this time around. I'd say it was close to Malaysian jungle status. =) The view, as expected, was breathtaking. I have to say I thoroughly enjoy trail running in Auckland because it really renders me speechless whenever I reach the top. I wish I could carry my camera with me. When I finished, 3.5 hours later, i was in quite a bit of pain. Really felt as if I had just run a marathon. Possibly even more. I went on to take my shoes off, and noticed red stains on my socks. My heel was bleeding. My shoe had blood stains too. I don't think I have ever chaffed till I bled. I didn't even feel it! I feel quite proud though. I feel really hardcore. haha...=) And I lost 2 more toenails.

Now I'm extremely knackered. My legs are so sore. I have no appetite too. I'm THAT worn. But ah...it's been a great weekend...if I had it my way, I'd have a weekend like this EVERY weekend. =)

24

Updated: Picture below. My Hyacinths now. only 4 days after. =)

I'm 24.

For some reason I don't like the sound of that age. It's a strange number. It's not quite 25, and too far away from 21. 23 was a nicer age to be at.

Anyway, birthday celebrations this year in Aucks was a lot more joyous compared to last year. I definitely had quite a bit of fun this time. I celebrated it 2 times, once on Saturday with the Malaysians and Subangites, and once more on my actual birthday with the mat sallehs. My best non-Malaysian friends here in Auckland. =)

I received quite a few presents as well, money from Mom and Dad and yehyeh came a few days before my birthday, allowing me to do a bit of birthday splurging, a beauty pack from Navin, to fulfill my becoming more womanly, a pedicure set from Abby, same inspiration, a gorgeous aqua single stone necklace from Michael Hill from Wye Yin, which I absolutely love, and this Hyacinth plant from Mod and Flo. I guess I really am about to morph into a lady this year. =) Oh and the Aunty i'm staying with gave me an angpow too!

I feel loved, by the people over here. And they really spoil me sometimes. So much so that I feel a tad guilty, that even with all the love they shower onto me, a small part of me still yearns to have my family and friends from Subang around. Birthdays always matter in my home, and my family make an effort to always make birthdays special. I miss that. And my besties back at home! I miss them so much. And I want to spend my birthday with D. I've spent only one birthday with him since we got together. I guess before we met, I've always ogled at the idea of spending your birthday with your boyfriend. So it's quite a bummer that I'd have to celebrate 3 birthdays without him. 2 down, 1 more next year. =(

Anyway, I've got 6 weeks to home! The anticipation is killing me. I really need to get my head into my exams and everything, but really, I think my body knows it's coming soon because of late, I've been craving the randomest Malaysian foods like mee hoon kueh, char kuey tiaw and satay. =)

i wish you were here with me. i really do.

Letters to Juliet

Just watched this with a good friend of mine. She treated me to this as an early birthday present, and the best part was we got to watch it in the Director's Lounge at Hoyts. You get to sit on huge couches. It would fit 1 Julie and 1 Karen on that couch. Snugly. =)

Anyway, I think the movie was sweet. I wouldn't say it's great, though. I think it was made for the hopefuls out there. The hopelessly romantic. People who believe in destiny and fate.

People like me. heh.

As if I wasn't already clinging on to this picture of a fairytale love story, I am now compelled to believe that my true love is out there somewhere. The person who would love me now, and when I'm 30, and even when I am an old wrinkly 60.

Sigh. Somebody pull me back down to earth already.

To be woman

I'm starting to think it is about time I walked, talked, dressed and behaved like a real woman. I'm turning 24 soon, and I realise my fashion hasn't really changed much since I left high school. Every day I look around at the people who walk around uni. These girls are easily 3-4 years younger than I am and yet they're all clad in swishy skirts, printed dresses, flowy scarves, bangles, chains, huge handbags and simple yet alluring make up.

They make my 10 dollar t shirts and 20 dollar jeans look like hand-me-downs.

I do own a couple of dresses, but then I cycle to uni. And yes I suppose I can wear tights or leggings, but then I really don't like walking in anything other than my trainers. How does one wear trainers with a dress??

I feel compelled to buy a couple more casual dresses that I can just wear out. My friends back at home wear dresses all the time now. Perhaps I should start. But I really don't feel comfortable in dresses. And I feel like everyone's staring, as if they all know I don't usually wear dresses.

Oh and make up. I used to trace a thin line of eyeliner across my lids back at home. But here in Auckland I really don't feel the need to. I can walk with a paper bag around my head and it wouldn't make a difference. Nobody knows me anyway.

But yes, I probably should start owning some make up stuff. And buying more lady like shoes. And getting myself a couple of dress shirts, instead of cotton baby tees.

I can understand dressing up in Malaysia though, because we don't walk much, and we're in air conditioned areas all the time. But here it's freezing outside, how women walk around in mini dresses and open toed sandals completely fazes me.

Well, time to grow up and be a lady, me thinks. Starting by wearing more dresses. I'm no longer 16.

brighter days

I'm starting to believe my temporary streak of bad luck and mild depression was brought on by nothing other than hormonal changes during PMS. Ha! To be woman...

I've been a lot more chirpy since yesterday, watching Robert Downey Jr in Iron Man 2 must've done the trick. I *heart* the man and his strange antics. No wonder I *heart* D. haha!

I've just handed in my 3rd lab report for Medsci 205, a terrifying subject, I must say. But, albeit barely breathing, I am determined to stay afloat and get at the very least a Pass for this subject. Staying back one more semester just isn't an option I am looking into, not now not ever.

Mum and Dad has sent me some money for my birthday, and it came in the mail today! I was elated! I am still thinking what I plan to do with it, so many things I feel like buying, but the temptation is somewhat stifled by my ever growing desire to save and accumulate my wealth! For what, I don't exactly know, considering I have only got about a year left in this country, and I intend to make memories for myself.

The weather has gone crazy cold since the 1st of May. It was almost as if someone "switched" winter on because the change was so instant, I went to bed with toasty feet and woke up freezing!

I hate winter. However this time around I find myself willing for it to turn colder sooner, because the colder it gets, the "warmer" i am to flying home. =) Like last year, I have heaps of things to look forward to, even if I've only been away for 4 months come June. I miss everyone at home so much more this time around, I don't really know why. I'm dying to see D again.

I may whine about my life in Auckland quite a bit, but I must say that every semester has taught me great life lessons. From learning to be alone, to learning to be brave, to learning to negotiate with car dealers, and now to being firm and claiming what's rightfully mine in a car accident. I must say, somebody up there really is putting me through an obstacle course, in my 3 years here. Because from what I hear from friends who study/live abroad, I have definitely signed myself up for something quite different. *shrug*

Anyway, I'd just like to say a big thanks to my friends here, who have helped me through some of the darker days. I think I am quite blessed to find good friends wherever I go. Probably would've given up if it weren't for some very comforting, very firm and very kind-hearted people I'm lucky enough to meet.