The uphills of life

I've had a rough week. It started out with having horrible mid terms. I messed up the first paper, and then with my misery, there was a domino effect onto the other papers as well. I kept trying to redeem myself, and work harder for the next paper, but i was let down by my own foolishness time and time again.

If i were to rate my mental strength on a scale of 10, I'd give it a 5. I am a passionate person, but I lack the drive more often than not. Somewhere along the way, the dry cold weather, the bitter winds and rain, the never ending demands of medical science, the constant battle with memorizing things I don't need to learn, the lack of family and friends, the weight of my emotions, have all stripped me bit by bit of my motivation to do this course. I now find myself wondering the purpose of continuing, if not to not waste the past 2 years and my family's live savings. I've lost the interest in, not my course, just the studying. And I've most definitely lost interest in this place.

Who was I trying to kid? I hate studying. Yet i dove into another 3 year full time degree just to get myself into the field I wanted to be in. I didn't want to just "do a certificate course" because I didn't want my "not-so-desirable" qualification to outshine my "truly desired" qualification. This one had to be better, if not at par. I know nobody is going to judge, but I would. And it would annoy me if I had to live my life knowing I was a graduate in a course I didn't intend to use, and only a "certified" in a course I wanted to be identified with.

That was initially.

I now no longer think of my first degree as an obligation. It was a good investment, for my future. And what I am studying now would set me apart from your regular personal trainer at the gym. I'd actually KNOW what I'm talking about. And with both my equal qualifications combined, I intend to make a change in my own country. That is the plan.

And I still want those dreams. Now more than ever that ideas are rapidly forming in my head day after day. I want to get started on them! I want to move, progress, take a step UP! But the journey seems a lifetime away with the amount of studying, assignments, lab reports and exams I have to endure before I can begin. And my level 5 mind is extremely tempted to just give up.

But my ego refuses. I want the degree. I think it is becoming less of a passion now, and more of a necessity. I want the darn degree, if it kills me. I have come too far to turn back. I am not going to walk away in vain. I have had to put up with a lot of crap this past 2 years I should at the very least bring home that piece of paper that would define my future.

Yes I've had many rants this semester. Please don't think I'm not trying to be happier. I am. But Auckland keeps screwing me over...

this morning is not my finest moment. today is not my finest day.

i feel crappy. how i long for one of those long, dragged out mamak sessions with julie or ven nee, stirring the remaining melted ice water in cups of what was once teh o ais limau.

c'mon, rubber duckie. time for you to bounce back now.

The earth turns, the sun burns, but I die, without you

I went to watch Rent yesterday. Live in The Civic. It was AWESOME. I've watched the movie production, the Broadway cast on video, and now live on stage. I'm not tired of it yet.

In fact I find that every time I watch it, and every time I listen to their songs on loop, I understand it more and more.

Definitely my favourite musical of the century. =)

Sometimes, I'd like to think, if my days on earth were numbered, what would I do? What would I do, first?

I guess I'd give and receive as much love as I possibly can, from family and friends.

Go on a holiday with my family. Stay in a jungle chalet, go jungle trekking, caving. Have a huge seafood dinner. Play badminton.

Have a night out with my friends. Drink to my heart's content. Get completely wasted, talk heart to heart. Sleep over, eat, indulge.

And snuggle up with you. Watch movies. Go camping. Sit by the fire, stare at the moon and stars. And just tell you how much I love you.

um...yeah. =)

Wherefore art thou, Romeo?

Chivalry isn't dead. I know it isn't...it's just suppressed for now. Waiting for the right woman to come along to lavish on.

I want a husband like Karen Cheng's. Can?

30

30 months and counting.

what if i told you

what if i told you i miss you
over and over again
what if i said, i wish you were here
to help reduce the subtle pain

what if i called you late at night
just to hear the sound of your voice
what if i wanted to talk to you
so much, i didn't have a choice

what if i said, i dream of you
just about every other night
what if i said, i dread waking up
because, of you, i dread losing sight

what if i said, i love you
for about the millionth time
what if i said, that every second
you're always on my mind

what if i said, i love you
when i look straight in your eyes
is it enough to win your heart
tell me, would all of this suffice?

***

Clearly i am missing somebody. The picture is the Classic Chocolate Cake at Delicious. He dropped a drop of chocolate fudge onto the cake and it miraculously formed a heart shape. Trust the romantic in me to think it was quite amazing.

9

So the 2 week break is over. As I awoke from my afternoon nap today, I sat up and suddenly realised that it is. And I wonder what the heck have I done in the past 2 weeks and 4 days.

I've never been good at time planning. I was an average student all through school life, college life and uni life. I don't get straight As or High Distinctions, but I get a handful here and there. People around me always say that I'm smart, and I would probably do heaps better if I put my mind to it, and study as much as I should. And sincerely, I wish I do. But in my head, whenever I have to choose between studying and doing something else more fun, like a child, I always choose the latter.

I feel like the holiday did me good. Sure I worked close to every single day. I'm looking forward to a nice fat pay cheque next week. But I enjoyed the relaxing, the bumming, the eating out. And now that it's back to school on Monday, I'm starting to feel a little edgy again, cursing the mid semester tests I have yet to study for, the 1500 word essay I have yet to read the guidelines for, and the 3 more Medsci labs and lab reports I have to do before I am done with this term. Oh, and of course, the final exams after that.

Uni is wearing me out. I never was a good studious student. And at age 24 I really just want to be out there, making a name for myself in the world. I want my life to begin already. I know I am supposed to be on an adventure over here, but really I find the things I am doing are merely to fill the void that is my social life. Everything I set out to do is merely to fill my free time, so I am less homesick, so time will move a tad quicker. I do them, just for the sake of doing them. Sure, some may argue I am not going out enough, not doing enough. So maybe I am not as adventurous as I thought I was. Maybe I fear. I fear traveling alone, afraid that I may lose my way, make the wrong choices, end up making mistakes. I fear spending too much, afraid that I may get carried away, end up seeing the bottom of my bank account. I fear going out and "getting on the chop" (which means getting wasted), because I don't really like it, and I don't know what I am capable of doing if I lose my sense of self.

I take this degree because it is who I want to see myself as. A person with a background in Sport Science. A person who is different. A person who is going to make a difference. I want an overseas education. I want an overseas experience. I want to be able to look back on a chapter of my life that was different. I want a colourful, interesting past.

And while the passion is definitely there, the energy it consumes to keep the fire burning is sometimes not quite enough. I am impatient. I know what I want and I want it now.

9 weeks to go till home. =)

Chances

Chances are when said and done
Who'll be the lucky ones
Who make it all the way?
Though you say I could be your answer
Nothing lasts forever
No matter how it feels today

Chances are we´ll find a new equation
Chances roll away from me
Chances are all they hope to be

Don't get me wrong I'd never say never
Cause though love can change the weather
No act of God can pull me away from you

I´m just a realistic man
A bottle filled with shells and sand
Afraid to love beyond what I can lose when it comes to you
And though I see us through yeah

Chances are we´ll find two destinations
Chances roll away from me
Still chances are more than expectations
The possibilities
Over me
Eight to five, two to one
Lay your money on the sun
until you crash what have you done?
Is there a better bet than love?
What you are is what you breathe
You gotta cry before you sing

Chances chances

Chances lost are hopes torn up pages
Maybe this time
Chances are we´ll be the combination
Chances come and carry me
Chances are waiting to be taken
And I can see
Chances are the fascination
Chances won't escape from me
Chances are only what we make them
And all I need

Five for Fighting

Networking

Yesterday night I attended an event organized by the New Zealand Chinese Association, called Enter the Dragonz. To be honest, when my friend first told me about it I have absolutely no idea what it was about. I just saw free food and drinks and I was sold. =) Also I welcome any opportunity to head out, so I figured why not.

It was, to my understanding, a new events company that whose aim is to allow NZ Chinese to network and interact through a series of events they plan to organize throughout the year.

Network.

Network I did...well, kinda. I met heaps of people, collected a handful of name cards...but for what? I guess when you're in the rat race networking can really get you places, but then again, it's not really just about networking with any random person, is it? And I find that these people are way too eager to network that they pounce on anyone that's unattended. I mean seriously, what is a freight forwarder in New Zealand has to do with a humble sport science undergraduate like myself? I do not see how our little networking could possibly benefit our lives in future, nor how you're going to remember my name tomorrow, but okay, thanks for the 3 minute entertainment, I think you're looking at me a bit creepily by the way.

I just think networking should be done on a more casual, spontaneous basis. There shouldn't be events specially held at venues, with free flow of white wine and little snack boxes, specifically held to encourage networking. I mean, networking could happen at the bus stop, the elevator, the fiction aisle at Borders. And if after several witty remarks about the type of handbag you're carrying, I think what you do could benefit what I do in future, I would then offer my business card, and possibly meet for coffee some other time to discuss opportunities. I think that's how networking should be done. Whereas if you held an event and told people that are invited "This is a networking event", people come armed with colgate smiles and a triple deck business card stack in their fancy pant suits and pin skirts, and try to shove a business card in front of your nose at every opportunity.

Maybe I was just there for the wrong reasons I guess. I had just wanted to get out and talk to some people. The scene was a little disappointing, I think New Zealand Chinese aren't the most beautiful people in the country, unfortunately. Take me back to my ripped, toned, boys at the uni gym. =)

Perhaps in future when I actually become a blooming personal trainer, hungry to bust the crap out of some people, I would actually find networking events advantageous. heh.

The best part was meeting some friends over hot chai latte and cheesecake after that. yums. Now, these things I would definitely miss NZ for.

you

almost there...

quote

"I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman."

-Anais Nin-

huh.

Of vampires and sex in the city

I realised that I actually have a solitary side to me. I always say I hate being alone. But perhaps it is due to the lack of social activity, or the lack of willingness to spend money, I find that I recoil into an antisocial loner sometimes. And when I am out, I want nothing more than to sit in my room, in front of my laptop, and surf Facebook, or watch videos, or plan potential holiday trips. Perhaps this is escapism, my way of dealing with my homesickness. Perhaps.

But anyway, I watched a movie alone that day. In my room. I watched Twilight. Yes, now only I watch. I wanted to know what all the craze was about, I remember going home last summer and Rosie raving on and on about the lengchai vampire. And Keith going "Omg...what is it with you girls and Twilight?". So I had wanted to watch it with my own lengchai boyfriend, but as always, we never get around to doing the things I plan to do.

Here's my two cents. I think it is cheesy. I don't think Robert Pattinson or what's-his-face is at all good looking, I think I really despise fair guys. I think the girl is really gorgeous though, and I think a century old vampire dating a school girl is kinda paedophilic, but cool in the sense that they get to fly through the trees. I'd give anything to be flown through the trees. =) And though I think it was a long shot at a romantic tale, I couldn't help but feel emotional when he kissed her neck at the prom. Good entertainment though.

I also spent lazy free afternoons reading a storybook. It was called Last Chance Saloon by Marian Keyes. Think Sex and the City. With a gay man amidst the 3 best friends. I thought it was an enjoyable, light hearted novel. I can now understand how some people, mostly girls, can read something and start to reflect on their own lives. It definitely got me thinking about what I want out of life, out of my relationship. It also made me realise that true love really is rare to come by. But we learn to love the next best thing, we learn to fall deeply in love after a while.

I love reading the books, in my own sweet time, but at times reading about love really makes me wish I can end the day in the arms of the boy. And that's when I start wishing for June to come earlier.

How did I become such a sop, I wonder.

And man, I really need to get this lab report done.

i miss you

I miss how we'd walk together at night
I miss how you used to just show up outside
And we'd just hang out by the front porch
Chatting, laughing, sitting, leaning, side by side

I miss how you'd listen to my stories
I miss how you actually liked them once
And you'd laugh at my jokes, and smile at my face
Making funny expressions with a sideways glance

I miss how you'd come down to walk me to my gate
I miss the call you made, as you drove away
Stealing a kiss, telling me you loved me
Made me wish it'd never end if I had it my way

I miss just being with you
Feeling like nothing else in the world matters
Feeling like I matter to you
Feeling like we matter

imissuheaps.

Yusssss!

So it was by chance that I decided to casually surf into the uni website. Just checking around to see if someone tried to burn that building down yet. heh. No such luck though. But then something caught my eye in the nDeva site. Semester One 2010 examination timetable is out!!!

so with my fingers crossed, and my heart rate racing, I clicked on my exam schedule, and guess what?
My last paper ends on the 23rd of June! I am so so so psyched to say the least! This means the world to me! I was originally booked to go home on the 28th of June. Now I can go home 5 days earlier!

Already my head started planning - change my flight, register for KL marathon, tell everyone! So much so, that my dinner thereafter had me swallowing balls of rice, vegetables, bread, banana and water to dislodge a fishbone that got stuck in my throat. I spent an hour of agony, finally ending it by sticking my finger into the back of my mouth and nudging the bone out with my finger. Gag reflex. Pain. urghhh...

But anyhooosss...I've booked my flight out on the 23rd of June, flying out at 11.50 pm! I will be touching down in good ol' KL at about 9.30 am on 24th.

And..... I'm all registered for the KL Marathon 42km Women category for 27th of June! See you all there!!

Yussss....things are looking up!! =)

The Money-Happiness function

I don't like believing in the fact that the happier I want to be, the more money I need to spend. I am in a vast vast land, brimming with opportunities of free, fun happiness.

But sad to say, because I am not of the solitary species, I almost cannot do anything without company. So in order to feed my soul with such wonderful adventures, I need to find people to accompany me. Problem is, not many people fancy just going for a walk for no reason. Rather, not many people I know here have the time.

So to fill the gaping hole that is my social life, and prevent Loneliness and Homesickness from penetrating my sense of self, I take what I can with invites to social get-togethers. They are, more often than not, the gastronomical kind. Which is perfectly fine by me. I love food. It's pretty much all I do back home in Subang anyway - eat.

Except that over here, eating out costs a little bit more. Even to have a drink is expensive. And I don't exactly earn a lot. Minus rent, I don't really have much left to enjoy if i wanted to put aside some money to pay for my flight home.

But to be sitting at home, with no plans but a date with The Big Bang Theory and 2 and a Half Men isn't really my idea of enjoyment. I didn't come here to do that. I came here to experience.

So, spend more money, find more happiness. Save more money, find less happiness.

How?

Well, 85 more days. =)

zoo

I went to the Auckland Zoo today! I've been wanting to go to the Zoo since i got to Auckland. But people keep telling me I won't see anything because it is always too cold. Well, today the weather was a perfect 20 degrees so I followed Erin & Simon (and lampposted) to the zoo.

It was...well, a zoo. Not great, but not bad either. But I'll tell you what I got to see...

a KIWIBIRD! unfortunately they had to be in a dark habitat because they're nocturnal (so they must wonder why it was nightfall all the time, will they ever get time to sleep?!?!?) so I couldn't really take good pictures. This picture is stolen from the web. But I finally saw an actual kiwibird! And they're really really cute! They're about the size of a chicken, so no, they're not that small. But i think it's coz they shuffle around on their 2 feet, with no forelimbs - so adorable! Haha!

I also got to see the usual animals. Oh and there was a black gibbon type monkey which had a bullfrog throat which made the most hilarious noises. It croaked like a bullfrog at first, and then it yelped like a dog! haha...so funny. and the more attention it got from the people, the more it yelled (for lack of knowledge of the term used to describe monkey noises).

I could've stayed there for an hour and still be amused. =)

Was a pretty good trip i guess. Quite alright for Good Friday in Sheep Land for Miss Siah. =)