death by ball.

Most of you would know that I am deathly afraid of balls. It's not funny, stop laughing.

I am afraid of the kind you throw, kick, catch, dribble, pass. I don't know when, why, or how I adopted the phobia of balls, but when i am put on the spot with the presence of a ball, i almost always freak out.

And being a Sport and Exercise Science Major, I have trouble coming to terms with this silly phobia of mine. Why should I be afraid of it? It's a darn ball. It's supposed to be fun. I'm supposed to "own" it.

A good lot of my friends here in Auckland happen to be friends I met though Shermayne and they all play netball. And they all are familiar with this stupid old phobia of mine due to me pushing the panic button a year ago at one of their games.

I told myself I will one day grab this bull by its horns and embrace it. It's not a hard sport. I don't think my technical skills are that bad. I definitely would have the stamina for it. And I have been trying.

Today I went onto the course again. Was playing Center. The moment the game started, I was running up and down the court. But I had an uneasy feeling. I realised that instead of wishing for the ball to come to me, I was wishing and praying with all my might that the ball would not come to me. And when you wish and pray that hard, needless to say the ball came right to me. In fact, the ball slipped out of the opponent's hands and rolled to my feet. You know what I did?

I. just. stood. there.

It was the most embarrassing moment ever. I froze. I saw the ball. I heard the yells from everyone around me. And I just couldn't bring myself to pick the ball up! It was crazy! I wanted to RUN. AWAY. i immediately said sorry profusely to everyone. I kept saying I didn't want to play anymore. But the game went on and I spent the next 5 minutes avoiding everything - ball AND people, opponents AND teammates. ARGHHHH!

I hate myself for it. I know it's not a phobia of the object being a ball. I'm afraid of losing face. I'm afraid of messing up, of embarrassing myself. I'm afraid of hurting others and hurting myself. I hated being the only person on that court who didn't know the rules of the game. I hated that people come after me when I get the ball. I hated that people EXPECT me to get the ball. I hated having to decide who best to pass the ball on to next in a fraction of a second. I hated having to DECIDE what to do with the ball. It was all just too much pressure!

Maybe that's why I prefer racing so much. Because nobody runs/cycles/swims/kayaks towards me. Everyone's just going in the same direction, towards a common destination. I'm so not a team player. =(

I want to be able to play netball, football, any type of sport and game really.

Looks like I'll just have to try again next time. sigh.