transition

i am at a transition in life whereby i'm caught between a fresh graduate who should be finding her own income as soon as possible and a student who is going into a whole new country and a whole new uni life.

ever since i graduated i have this unmentioned obligation to somehow be independent. that is, i want to earn my own income, so i don't need my parents to give me my monthly allowance anymore. and i can talk about work life alongside friends of mine who are already in the workforce. i feel like i am somehow required to find something to do soon. it's the next step in life, what else are you waiting for? that sort of thing. not that my parents gave me any pressure. this is just what society expects, i suppose. every person i meet asks "so where are you planning to work?" when i say i just graduated.

which is of course only the right thing to do. i graduated in November. had a good 4 months to play around. it's high time i got myself a serious, full time job. plus it's the whole turning 22. 22 is a year older than 21. which means i've become an official adult for almost a year now. i really ought to be wising up, and taking on more responsibilities. especially those with regards to my life.

which brings me to the other side of the limbo. i'm leaving in July. that gives me less than 3 months to work. It's not that i've had trouble landing myself a job. Quite frankly almost all interviews i've attended i was offered the job. So i must've been doing something right. Of course I had to lie through my teeth that i was here to stay. Which is, only the logical thing to do coz nobody's gonna employ me for 3 months.

but thats the whole problem. there's this feeling of "heck, i'm only here for 3 months" which kinda makes me not do things whole heartedly around any company. there's that feeling of guilt i carry with me, for lying. there's that feeling of regret when i see the days pass me by, knowing i should be enjoying myself with family and friends, rather than working till late hours in an office, all in the name of gaining experience and extra cash.

i think things would be less complicated if i actually was looking for a full time, long term, permanent job. then it'd either be whether i like it or not. if i like it i take it, if i don't, i don't.

my family seems to be encouraging me to take on a job, if i get offered one. i'm thinking of going for it too, because i really ought to be earning money instead of spending. part of me knows that i'd grumble and regret for sure. but the other part of me knows that i really have to go through this pathway sooner or later.

in May i'd hopefully be able to instruct RPM classes, as i have signed up for the instructor course on the 18th of April. i've been told the pay is RM50 per class. I have also asked to be YouthMalaysia's freelance writer too. that would earn me a small amount of cash i believe. but these side incomes are uncertain and not constant.

adult decisions are hard to make. can i say i don't want to grow up?