woe is me...or not...or maybe...

In Auckland, my emotions are tumultuous. My feelings fluctuate to some very high levels and some really low ones in a single day. I guess it's all part and parcel of being away.

I could wake up to the sound of silence, feeling fresh in the crisp cold morning air (I am the awesomest early riser here, i don't know why), and soaking in that very waft of energetic air that came with the sense of independence.

I'd enjoy my long walks and even longer bus rides, and I'd feel quite happy in the classroom. Yes, even in amidst the bombastic complicated lectures of Biosci 107, I find myself tuning in out of interest. My classes are interesting, I must say.

And then I'd spot a couple or two, cuddling up to each other in the cold air, or just walking hand in hand, and my heart plunges to depths i never knew it could. The pain that comes with such yearning is quite a killer, that one. It is almost cruel, I sometimes feel, to be away from each other for so long.

Then I'd tune the outside world out with a deep, long breath, and drown myself to the tunes of my Pala-chan. Ahh...all is well again. I'd be tapping my feet in no time and my spirits would be lifted ever so gently.

Then the stomach grumbles in the rudest, most obnoxious fashion, and like a child of 5, the immediate reaction was to crave for a taste of mom's cooking. Mushroom soup, fried prawns, potato and meat in thick brown crazy, the tastebuds can go wild. And then I'd wish I could have Mum or Dad to be at home, where I can tell everything there is to tell about work or school. I would crave not only for the food, but for the simple answers that I am so familiar with, to my rhetoric statements and nonsensical ramblings.

Sitting in the cold stillness of my room, shifting uncomrfotably in my chair, enduring the back aches, I'd think of the huge office chair in my room, which swivels and reclines. My back has grown extremely weak for reasons I cannot seem to put a finger on, except to say that chairs here in Auckland, suck. Seats in the bus, on the train, in the lecture theatre, are all out there to hurt me.

I'd find familiar names online and with a few clicks, i'd be chatting happily with my brothers, my dad, Dennis or some friends from home and suddenly the situation doesn't seem that bad. Because the void for that day was closing up, slowly but surely. I'd start thinking to myself, yes I can do this. I love my course, I love this country, and friends and family aren't so far away.

It's not only till I am forced to say goodbye, do I wish I can stay in that chatroom forever. Wishing it could never end. Wishing that at the end of that chat, I can be well on my way down the stairs, to hop into my car and drive to Suku or SS15 for Milo Kosong Panas and Roti Kosong with whoever it was I was talking to. Gawd I really really miss mamak.

And when I study for my tests and obtain results which surprise me, I am reminded that I am good at this. I am made to learn this. When I hang out with my friends, and explain to them about the science of a sports shoe, and metabolism, or even belt out a line or two of spanish...when they nod and tell me that I seem to know my stuff, thats when I get a sense of belonging. A sense of "Hey, I didn't make the wrong decision after all. I would not regret this in the end". It's a beautiful feeling, this one. It cancels off almost every negative thought that goes through my head.

And that is just one day. And I seem to have another 200 odd more like that to look forward to.

JOY.