apricot and toasted muesli

i just got home from work. i'm sitting down once again in an empty apartment, staring at the skies outside, with the blinds completely drawn open. the grey clouds are here, but the sky is still blue. sun is still up, though it's on its way down. houses with red zinc roof tops line the mountainside. swirly smoke coming from chimneys. the view...is gorgeous. Auckland is gorgeous.

and i'm sitting here, with a bowl of apricot and toasted muesli in non-dairy soymilk (enjoy the goodness of milk without lactose!). I'm chewing hard on the muesli, my brain registering the fact that it is delicious, but somehow not registering the fact that I am hungry. I am. Or was, when I left work. Where has my apetite gone? i feel...confused.

i just got out of a quiet day at work, with very few members in the gym and completely zero clients for personal training. it was dull, but i had a nice conversation with Merin. I like Merin. She's really nice. And I like Cara and Kate and Sarah. I like all of them that i work with at the gym. In fact I truly love my job at the gym. It's fun, it's laid back, it pays, and it has me looking forward to it. That's gotta count for something. And when I'm at work, i am...contented. As if that's all I ever want to do for the rest of my life here in this country.

I have just gotten my Medsci 142 midterm results and i...did not pass. No, I did not do so-so, or alright, or okay. I failed. And that just ruined my every nerve that were sending out happy positive impulses. And I know it isn't over. I know there is only one way about this, and that is to pull up my socks, lift that chin up and start doing some serious studying for the finals. But my heart is heavy. Everything was going so well. Now i'm back at square one. Did I make the right choice by fighting for this? Am I doing this for me or for everyone else? What exactly am I doing here? Do I even want to know what Medsci 205 in year 2 is like? I feel...questioned. By me. With one cocked eyebrow, a tapping feet and drumming fingers on the table.

I know I can make things right. I have not given up faith, merely hope...for now. I look forward to passing my exam but I dread the daunting clawing back up i'd have to do. I can't wait to go home but i dread saying goodbye again. I want so much to learn but i dread being tested on it. I feel like I already know what tomorrow will bring and I want it yet I'm afraid of it at the same time. I feel a little...cautious. Walking on tippy toes when I really should be taking long big strides.

And just like that, I see the bottom of my bowl. How is it that I munched and chewed through that obscene amount I poured for myself without being hungry? I just kept munching and chewing. =)

So yes. Keep munching and chewing Karen. Soon you'll see the bottom of the bowl =)