never

take away my selfishness,
take away my greed,
strip me off my stubbornness,
leave my ego nothing to feed.

rip away my hopelessness,
rip away my drive,
scratch away my eagerness,
to make this dream survive.

peel away my insanity,
peel away my pain,
give me none of that pity,
to hold on is what i must refrain.

squeeze me dry off energy,
squeeze me dry off pretense,
show me what i need to see,
that i need to start making sense.

tell me boldly there's no need for hope
tell me harshly to start anew
tell me and spare the mercy
tell me that i will never have you

dollars please come down!

i've been surfing into the Star Exchange Rates page daily...watching the Australian Dollar exchange rate. Everytime it goes down i smile, everytime it goes up i worry.

Have been thinking about how much i should bring to Sydney in July. As much as i'd like to pay for everything on my own, I am actually saving up for a future education as well. And though i believe in travelling now, in my time of youth, where i still treasure thrill and exuberance, it's time i act like a mature 20 year old. hehehe...

money matters aside, i am by far the smartest alec to walk the face of Earth. i was tying up my hair just now, after i practised my dance a few times, when i suddenly grabbed the scissors from my cabinet. i started combing down my front hair and then, as if they possess minds of their own, my hands snipped 3 inches of my fringe!

impulsive? yea. definitely. ever so daring too. hah! guess who's gonna be flicking hair off her eyes every now and then.

i must say i'm proud of my actions. just not of the results.

Karen...karen...tsk tsk tsk!

When Karen met Melly - the milestones

when she gave me my birthday post, i thought to myself "i have to top that!" and what better way to top it than with my wide array of rhymes.

and so, Melanie Ho, be enthralled. :)

it's been over 3 years
since the first time we saw each other
somewhere along the dingy corridors
or among the dusty, neglected lockers of Taylor's

it's been over 2 years
since we *gasps* and *points finger at each other*
somewhere amidst the clean, fresh breeze
or make-shift dorms we had as CA Bounders


it's been over a year
since i traversed down to Kajang town
in search of scrumptious satay
and learned from you how to bring "shisha" down

it's been over 5 months
since we skinned our knees in Camp 5
commented on the sexiness of Eugene's legs
and from 12 m of the floor (auto belay wall), we took a dive

now it's just over a month more
before i'd hop onto a Lauda Air carrier
and fly thousands of acres across the sea
in search of more tales to tell together


Happy 20th Birthday sMelly!

love ya!

*sends heaps of hugs to Sydney!*

im older now. :)

you know you're getting older when you start attending wine drinking sessions with your dad your dad invites you to drink his wine.

wait...

but even Keith tagged along last night and he's only 12...

anyway, Uncle Eugene cordially invited all of us to his humble abode in Sg Buloh last night. When I first mentioned it to my dad it went something like "Hey daddy the Mt KK people are having this thing at one of their houses on Friday night. How to go to Sg Buloh ar?". But my old man has been staying at home, having a lot of free time on his hands. He has been running every single day since i told him to join the NB 15 km run (which was since chinese new year). So i figured he could use a little time out and get to know a few more runners so runs would be more interesting (instead of "i came coz i had to drive my daughter here). Plus i hadn't a clue where Sg Buloh was. And i'm bad with maps. And going on my own would mean i have a curfew. And also, i wanted to show him exactly who invited me to the climb, flew me over to KK and literally dragged me up to the summit. Likewise, he wanted to thank this surrogate fathers and brothers of mine. :)





Uncle Eugene's house looks like one right out of a Japanese Garden catalogue. No kidding! And he did it with his own two hands. It looked really great. Then, i saw the food table and i knew they weren't kidding about making it a wine drinking session. At the table, Uncle Choi and William were having salad. SALAD! atta-girl! go eat healthy and lose some weight! No fatty food for you tonight, i thought.

I thought wrong. When Mrs Lee came home we each were given a scrumptious, oh-so-sinfully-delicious looking bowl of Penang prawn mee. whoa! i was so enticed that i forgot to take a photo of it. Only after i dug in did i realise that i forgot to snap. By then my prawn had already been decapitated and my fingers already oily. hehe...

There was also sushi and sashimi. There was bak zhang. and fried chicken. There was my favourite hap tou sou. There was almond biscuits from Macau. There was the blueberry cheese tarts that i baked and brought there too. and of course, there was wine. bottles and bottles of wine.

But i stuck to soya bean. Just so you know. :) I ate a lot. I pigged out. I couldn't help it. The food was fantastic! We laughed so much that the next thing i knew, it was midnight. Keith was getting a bit restless. My dad seemed to have enjoyed himself very much. And so, the eating must end.

Everyone got themselves some tarts from yours truly. My dad got himself some new gang already. Keith got himself the scare of his life when Louie the dog barked up his legs. Uncle Choi got himself a new running kaki on Saturdays. Ben got himself his wine. William got himself...erm...food i guess. Uncle Eugene and family got himself many compliments on their house and the wine and the food. Yi Xi got himself more races to come. and I got myself a few extra pounds. :)

My friend the director

My friend Arivind Abraham created this really cool movie called S'Kali. I did a short short write up on it back in February. I've watched the trailer. And i think you should too. And since my lovely friend Tan Yuh Huey is apart of it (associate producer kononnya), I believe it's gonna be a blast! We should support our local scene anyway. So do Malaysia proud and visit the website.

Here's a sneak peak for you. God knows where i've placed the poster.

my heart goes out to you

poor little one
so innocent and naive
just wanted to have some fun
when a joyride with an uncle begun
so ready to just believe

poor little boy
with only seven years to brag
still playing with toys
still sees the miracle of joy
just alongside his uncle he was asked to tag

poor little child
with so much love to give
yet his life was on a dial
and his parents were on trial
and they just wouldnt let him live

my heart goes out to the family of Ho Ping, the little seven-year old who was kidnapped and murdered allegedly by his own relative.

where is the love?

fours

yen tagged me. and i love tags. contrary to what some people may think of tags. ha! i love tags.

four movies that i can watch over and over and over:
*Serendipity
*Disney's Beauty and the Beast
*Disney's The Little Mermaid
*Grease?? ahah as of now, since i watced the musical, i've watched it 3 times...:)
i'm a romance sucker. and a Disney freak.

four places i've lived:
*mum's belly
*ss17 subang jaya (for the first month of my life)
*ss14 subang jaya
*never moved after that

four books i recommend to everyone:
*Memoirs of a Geisha, of course
*The Child Called it
*The Lost Boy
*Fearless (a series by Franscine Pascal)
I'm not much of a bookworm. I dont exactly read a lot.

four of my favourite dishes:
*fettucine carbonara
*pizza
*"nga pou" kai fan
*escargots
*char kuey tiow
*indo mee
*many many more
seriously...how can u limit it to four???

four sites i visit daily:
*this blog
*my mail
*ju's blog
*melly's blog
alongside many many other blogs...

four places i'd rather b right now:
*Abroad (anywhere)
*Max Brenner's
*Delicious by Ms. Read
*Outward Bound Lumut!

four bloggers i'm tagging:
*melly
*ju
*lifemou
*ccube
hahahah...the "grown ups" are so gonna regret knowing me soon enough

15 friggin' kilometres

I guess the only people that were eating my dust were the police officers on their bikes (trailing me) and the officials at the water stations, and the st john's cadets. The race was a good one but i guess i expected too much out of myself. Have you ever tried scolding yourself in the mind? It can be quite harsh. For me at least.

Anyway, i was most excited for this race. Not because of my condition, because of the various people i'd be meeting this time around. I've gathered a significant network of friends that will make my races more interesting from now on.

In the morning i met, first the tri gang. As always they never fail to intimidate me with their bulging hemstrings and oh-so-amazing suits. Then sometime later i met the Subang Lake gang. They too never fail to make me feel inferior. Isaiah and the other Malay guy cycled to Padang Merbuk! After checking in my bag and doing my stretches and warm up, i bumped into the Mt KK gang. The first thing they said, was "better nto let Ben catch you walking!" *Jamie points finger at me* hardi har har.

The start gun went off kinda unexpectedly. There were these 2 torch barriers which was a first. I started a slow and steady pace.

Along the way i met a few more people, whom ive seen around in runs and other races. We don't know each others' names but we'd always greet and nod. Runners are friendly people. :) I met the guy who passed me the powergel in the KLIM.

I would say most of the time i was willing myself to go on. I would fall in and out of a comfortable pace once in a while. I somehow couldn't find a pace whereby i could just glide on without much panting. But i hung in there for the first 10 kms. It wasn't until we had to make a second loop did i start falling behind. uphills seemed like forever. me head throbbed. my heart pounded.

this time i was walking and running and walking and running. Here's where the meaner side of me showed up in my head. I was pschoing myself to not stop, willing myself to go on, when i just stopped. as if it was involuntarily. I scolded mself in my head again and again. I lost count of how many times i told myself 'Ok, this time im running home".

I came in much later. Found my dad and realised he did it in 1 hour 34 mintues. He ran so hard his toe bled. !!!??



But i'm making a recovery. This race was slightly better than KLIM, Power and MMDS. I was actually rather happy with myself for not giving up any earlier than the 10k mark. I guess these things take time. The most important this is I keep striving. wow. i never thought i'd say that. :)

Karen Siah can NOT diet

2 days into my quest to lose weight and ive already sinned. Had cheese naan and garlic cheese naan in Steven's Corner with Ju, Ghee and Hua just now after dinner. Was really good. But i think the cheese felt rather powdery or sediment-ish.

*shrugs*

how to counter temptations

i've put myself on a diet. no, seriously, i have. eating is what i love most and as i make a graceful entrance into the 20s zone, i realised i've gained some love handles. Jia Yin kept saying it comes with the age so i'm settling for that excuse.

If you didn't know me well enough, let me tell you. i love to eat. i'm a glutton. i pig out whenever i feel like it. and it had never been a problem for me back then. i wasn't exactly a stick but i wasn't growing fat either. i just remained the same. and i would say i'm "blessed" with reall broad shoulders, thus my waist always looked very small.

so i was looking back at some pictures of myself, just a couple or more years ago, and i miss my old look. and i miss some of my old clothes which i currently find "not-so-comfortable" anymore. so yea. i'm putting myself on a diet. nothing too drastic. just cutting down my meals to 3 a day. it used to be 6. hehe...:) ain't easy. takes as much will power as it does to not walk during a run.

i'm currently weighing 56 kgs....ok you can quit gasping now. i know guys who weigh lighter. so i'm just gonna see if i can push that down to 52-53...

***

So, i won tickets to Grease The Musical. I went just now. and like most remakes, if i hadn't watched the original film, i probably would've enjoyed it more. It was a great production. Just some minor details they left out.

The show started a bit rough when the echoes were resounding like nobody's business. Spoilt the entire Summer Lovin' song.

You know the Grease Lightning song? they didn't do the "This car's automatic...its systematic...it's hyyyyyyyyyyydromatic...." part. HOW COULD THEY NOT? grr....

and finally...

The Danny Zouko was a lousy dancer. He didn't gyrate as much. i mean it's Grease! how can you not shake your hips??? The supporting males could dance better im my p.o.v. He couldn't pull off the voice either. what a let down...

On the other hand, the colours were pretty. and Sandy did a great job.

My mum yawned a couple of times. There was once she yawned during "hopelessly devoted to you" and i thought she was crying. hahaha....

I bought the VCD eventhough i've already seen it before. Was so in the mood, or rather in need of satisfying my expectations, i watched it the moment i got home. Nothing beats John Travolta. I never realised how charming he was in his younger days. i have to get Saturday Night Fever. Anyone has that??

anyway, think i should get back to my book. :)

I don't steal and I don't lie,

but I can feel and I can cry

In fact I'll bet you never knew, but to cry in front of you,

that's the worse thing I could do

don't tell me things i don't want to hear!

i seriously think i'm very easily pschologically affected. by anything. i'm sensitive to people's remarks, i'm sensitive to changes in life, i'm sensitive to my mood and the environment...anything and everything.

now that i've gotten the green light from Dr. Loo that i can run again, i sped off this evening. I ran an impressive time and shocked myself. needless to say i had the best night of my life. the mood was great. i went out with girlfriends Lyn and Shiau Sang (more on her later) for a bak kut teh dinner. I wasn't health conscious when i scarfed down the fatty meat. I even suggested ice cream for dessert and we adjourned to McDs drive thru where i scarfed down my chocolate sundae. not a care in the world. i feel good! even right now.

I'm still not in tiptop condition, but i think i'm getting there. i don't want to sound too confident, else i'll wind up feeling disappointed again. Right now i just want to bask in my own satisfaction. :)

***

Shiau Sang is hilarious. I've not seen her in quite a bit eventhough she stays 1 minute's drive away from me. I used to park my car at her hse back then to walk to college. I haven't seen her since she left for HELP university and after so long, she still looks ever bit the same as she did.

She really cracks me up. Really. She is the most simple minded lawyer-to-be i have ever met. When she told me she wanted to do law 2 years back i laughed. I wasn't being mean. I just couldnt imagine her in a courtroom. She'd make a good lawyer though. She has her opinion on everything and she'd argue with you till she wins. It's just that she isn't the most fluent and articulate person. She reminds me a lot of this cantonese HK series i watched many years back called Kam Nga Tai Yan. Which means 'Golden Tooth Big Guy'. He was awarded the golden tooth coz he was a splendid lawyer...in HK. Then they flew him to US for a case and he stumbled through with his chinaman English. It was hilarious! I can still remember him saying "ob-jee-sion" which was actually meant to be "Objection".

Shiau Sang was telling us how they had a courtroom simulation and she was the prosecutor. she was all for winning the case when she announced "i think the defendent should be acquitted!". Next thing she knew, the "judge" let the defendent go and she was left puzzled!

hehe....:)

Reasons for not blogging...

It has been a while...

I've had a lot of things going on...it was a crazy week and i was forced to cancel 2 appointments in my schedule because i failed to cope. Anyway, now that i'm done with most of it, i finally have the time to sit down and blog. And there are a gazillion things i wanted to say. But they were more of those at-that-moment stuff which by now its effects has worn off. So i'm just gonna mention the currently most significant event of my life.

I got my blood test results back just now. The moment i stepped into the room, Dr. Loo told my parents to sit down. He said that he saw something wrong and decided to send my blood for another test. He said that he now knew the answer to all my doubts. There was a list of stuff there which looked like Greek to me. Dr. Loo was really nice to explain one by one in detail (and in layman terms too, might i add). I felt like i was reliving Bio classes in Taylor's. :)

Here's the deal.

I've got a high total of Red Blood Cells in my body. The average is between 4.0 - 5.5 and i've got 5.8

I've got a low Mean something volume (MCV), which is the volume of the cell. Average 82-89 and i've got 76

I've also got a low MCH, which is something i forgot. Average 27-33 and i've got 24

These are very obvious results for one with Thalassaemia traits. Someone in my bloodline has the Thalassaemia gene! This is the cause of the "heart murmurs" in my pulmonary vein.

Then under the Liver function, i've got a high total Bilirubin, which i understood as "bad blood". Average 3.4-20.6 and i've got 24.1

and finally, the most important part of all...i've got a very high Free T4 of 33.3v. Average is 9.0-23.9

This FreeT4, according to Dr. Loo has something to do with the thyroid glens. So i'm hyperthyroisite...or something. which means my body produces too much "thyroid stuff". This causes my joints and muscles to weaken, and my heartbeat to go very fast very soon.

He said that is why i feel fatigue very easily. I was wandering why it affects me now and never before. He said that sometimes it comes with hormonal changes and puberty.

But all the gibberish aside, Dr. Loo answered my million dollar question: Can i continue running?

and he says that I CAN RUN!

what a relief! All the worry, the nagging from my mom, the doubt that i'll be able to run in the 15 km, the scolding i get after i sneak out for a run, has gotten me psychologically affected. I was able to run beautifully on last tuesday and wednesday, though i experienced some throbbing in my head after that. But ever since i went for the test, i had chest aches and evern worse breathlessness.

oh well...at least now i'm worry-free. except for the Thalassaemia part. Now that i've got the trait, my future husband must have no trait at all, or I'll risk giving birth to Thalassaemic children. They will suffer. So what am i to do? Screen my boyfriends? So what if the week before my wedding i ask him to take a blood test and it turns out he IS Thalassaemic? Adopt children?

Geez...not only do i have to find someone, now my options are narrowed down to non-thalassaemic guys. Anyone???

Eat my dust in Padang Merbuk this Sunday!

*edit*

how i turned 20

i started the day feeling slightly gloomy. had stayed up till 2.30 am fixing slides for my CB presentation today. Woke up at about 8.45 am and looked at myself in the mirror, trying to see if i can cheer myself up on my own birthday. There was this humongous zit on my chin. Not that i really care how it looks, it's just that it hurts!

went to class, did my slides. Juliana said we were fine, and can start on our report now. This was cool. Felt slightly relieved already. after class i sat down with KK and Kheng Yee at the cafeteria and soon after Juliana joined us. She's the coolest lecturer in metropolitan! She said she's been up Tahan!! and she thinks i'm tough. heh.

Jayson, Adrian, Grace came later to pick us up. Joey joined in. Looks like i do have friends in college. hehe...i was whisked away to Cititel Mid Valley where they treated me to a buffet lunch! ah how sweet of them. What better way to celebrate my birthday of not with FOOD!

oh yea! i met Jia Yin! haha so unbelievable. She was totally stoned by the concidence. haha...:)

***

Dinner was with my family. We ate in Strawberry Fields in Taipan. uhmm...not highly recommended for an occassion. More like one of days hey-lets-go-eat kinda thing. It was cheap though. :)

Since the restaurant was on the same row as Klinik Lan dan Wong, my mum forced me to go. They have been debating on the issue for some time. My dad thinks it's not normal for me to go puking up Mt Kinabalu. My mum thinks there's something wrong with me coz my fitness level has dropped. So i caved. There's no winning over them.

Which i regret going. Coz the doc says i've got an abnormal heartbeat. At the pulmonary side. Which is the vein that leads to the lungs. He suggests there is a problem with the valves. So, he asked me to do a complete blood test. And told me to abstein from exerting myself i.e. running. grr...

***

i half expected my friends to come over but when it was already 9 plus and there was no sign of them, i decided maybe they'd given up on surprises. But after changing into my pjs, washed myself up, and took off my lenses, hordes of laughter and voices came bursting into the downstair area. i quickly changed into t shirt and shorts and went down. i could hear them planning how to say "surprise" when i came down and it came out as many voices of surprise at different times.

haha gotta love them. :) they brought me cake from starbucks and a top from Sub. it's a pity i didn't take a picture.

i love you guys!

edit: i realised i didn't mention any names. HOW CAN? these guys are my favourite people in the world! Those who came: Julie, Pei Jien, Ven Nee, Anne, Puvesh, Siew Ghee, Weng Lum, Daniel. :)


***

for a moment today

i thought you have forgotten

for a moment today

i felt a little disheartenned

for a moment today

i thought it was time it ended

for a moment today

i finally wanted my heart mended

for a moment today

i thought i'd cry one last time

for a moment today

i would stop that uphill climb

for a moment today

i figured i'd look back from where i came

for a moment today

i thought i'd start from when it was the same

for a moment today

i was all for a change of heart

but the moment i read "Happy Birthday"

i found myself back at the start

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

I have this need to SCREAM. Like really loud. And from on top of a very very high point. Like from Low's Peak. I really need to just let it all out!

I have a gazillion things to do! I feel STRESSED. Yes entirely STRESSED.

Juliana's driving me mad for the CB assignment. Plus, she said 90% failed the second test. And she's been goin on and on about how hard the Take Home test would be.

OB Essay 2 is due on the 16th. and it's 2500 words long. and i have not started. coz..coz...read on...

Tourism Management oral presentation is next Wednesday. After watching the groups who did today, i'm starting to worry that we may not have enough to present!

Metroball rehearsal is on Monday. and not only have i not choreographed the dance for the entire song, i have also forgotten the first half. how how how???

Thank God i pulled out from Lyn's IMU something something performance. We were not at all ready.

This weekend i'm heading to Muar. Means less time to prepare!

AAAAAAAAAAAaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!


I can't turn 20 like this...:(

my utmost appreciation

The man behind the whole thing, Uncle Choi, this team was the best! I seriously think they were handpicked! and i truly enjoyed every place we stayed there...thank you so much for organizing this!!


Felix, thanks for taking pictures for me. I still have not gotten them tho. :) Thanks for chasing me downhill too! that was a lot of fun! haha...


Tan, i think you're quite funny. hehe....and forgive me for saying this, but i thank you for being just a little bit ahead of me. comforts me when i see you somewhere in the woods. And now that i've seen your photos, i'm grateful for your innate photography sense. :) Oh thanks Mrs Tan for sending me home!


William, thanks for inspiring me! Seriously, you do! Don't really know you well coz you're always waaaaaaaaaaaay ahead!


Mr. Wong, i also find you very funny! And light! so so light! Just like William, you inspire me too.


Sean, thanks for cracking me up! :) and dinner as well. :)


Eugene, thanks for all the insight. You're one very adventurous father. Looking forward to more of your mountain tales!


Yi Xi, i thank you for being the other teenage one there. :)


Yeok, of course, thanks for being the other female team member. It was nice just chatting with you. Looking forward to reading your article!


Finally, my hero. I tried coming up with a not so cliched, not so damsel-in-distress way of saying it. but no can do. you're the best! The chicken drumstick deal is still on. Like you said, when i get my first pay cheque. :) Thank you thank you thank you.....


I miss sabah...:(

Mount Kinabalu Climb Report

Day 1
10.05 am
Arrived at KLIA LCCT. Both daddy and i were shocked to see how much further it actually was compared to KLIA. Called Mr Choi. Looked for them opposite McD's. Was just about to call them when this guy came up to me and said "Don't need. I know who you are". cool. I finally meet the Ben who did a full marathon under 3 hours. haha...

i met Mr Choi and Ben. One by one the others came. And i soon realised i was the only girl there. well, least there was another in KK. :)

2.00 pm
Met up with Ikan and Veronica at Sabah Airport. My stomach was rumbling like mad so i wasn't really concentrating on the introduction. All i heard was Veronica saying "Now, we'll take care of your stomachs first". Music to my ears.

We picked up Yeok at this backpackers' place. Glad to meet my other female comrade. And we adjourned to this chinese restaurant which sold lots of noodles and fish and odds and ends of beef. or something. no idea what i swallowed.

We shopped for some groceries at Tong Hing supermarket. Got myself a few more chocolate bars and biscuits.

Then we had a loooooooooong journey to Kinabalu Park.

6.30 pm
Arrived at Kinabalu Park. The lodges there took my breath away! They were beautiful! I spent a good few minutes going back n forth between the 2 lodghes reserved for us, deciding which to stay in. Since i barely knew any of them, i didnt have any preference as to which roommates i prefered. My only concern was staying with Yeok, who disappeared somewhere leaving her bags behind.

Mr Choi said his lodge had ample free space and with some simple mental math, i found that Yeok and I can both have a room each! how cool was that! I chose the room with a personal bathroom. :)

Dinner was at the resort's restaurant. The food took ages to come but the company i was with helped ease my hunger with good ol' humour. They're a funny bunch...:)

10.00 pm
Getting ready to sleep. Packed up for the next day and cleaned myself up. Ended up tossing and turning on my bed. Tried watching some TV but yet did not feel sleepy. Have no idea what time i dozed off in the end.

Day 2
6.00 am
After waking up every other hour, i finally decided to get out of bed. Hell, i wasnt even feeling tired. Might as well go out and inhale some mountain air. :) Had my breakfast in front of the mountains.

Went down to the reception at about 7.30-ish. After several photo sessions, we finally started our climb at 8.30 am.

8.45 am
Going up slow and steady. Didnt feel too bad. Sure my fellow comrades were making good time, but i felt good. :)

About 2-3 kms into the trail, I could feel my heart beat aloud. I was already panting and wasn't feeling so confident afterall. Anyhow, slowly but surely i tracked up with Biling by my side. I remember telling myself how we've got such a great mountain guide...

1.00 pm
I have not seen any of my group mates in a loooooong time. Waaay past lunchtime, yet the pits of my stomach were not at all hungry. In the place of hunger was mild nausea and discomfort. I thought i'd be famished by then, but i wasn't feeling too good. I took a bite of Eugene's protein bar and only minutes after, regreted it. My memory's a blur but somewhere along the way i reunited with some of them at this pondok, where Ben handed me an orange. I was feeling a bit better then so i downed the entire orange. Ben told me it was downhill from then on. I knew better than to believe him. He lied.

5.00 pm
It seemed like i was in the forest forever. My knees were wobbly and my chest ached. I had stitches in my sides and Biling wasn't looking too friendly. He kept urging me to go on whenever i stopped to rest. Saying i'll reach in a while. Amidst the trees i saw a tall gate and i felt a spark of hope.

To my disappointment, just around the bushes, i saw the sign Waras Hut. damn! that ain't Laban Rata! well, at least Laban Rata was jus around the corner.

Seeing it was euphoric. :)

5.45 pm
I clambered up the steps and joined the rest. They gave me thumbs up and other forms of encouragement but I just plomped down onto the chair. Ben got me a plate of fried rice, which i managed a spoonfull. My head was spinning so i went up to the dorm.

Eugene welcomed me warmly. Yi Xi didnt look any better than i did. I was just about to share my sob sob tale when suddenly everything came rushing up my throat. Ran into the nearest restroom and threw up really badly. It wasn't until these group of ang moh men came in (semi dressed, might i add) that i realised that i was in the gents. HELL i don't care. I apologized through my cupped hands. But they were very accomodating people and got me rolls and tissue. One of them said "you'd better go really really slowly up tomorrow. you've got altitude sickness". bleeeaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh....

7.10 pm
I tried having soup for dinner. Since everyone said i needed to eat something. But my RM9.50 cream of mushroom went to waste again. I could only manage 2 spoonfulls.

I threw up once again at about 10 pm. My head and neck were hot so i popped the 2 panadols that Ben gave me earlier. Pressed my eyelids hard willing myself to sleep, wishing everything would be fine by the time i wake up.

Day 3
2.00 am
You read it right. it was 2 in the morning and the corridors of Laban Rata were already bustling. I tore myself out of bed and changed into warm clothes. Got myself all ready and shared a toast with Yeok. I would say i was feeling very weak. and certainly did not feel like climbing. But Eugene made me go. Without him realising it. Whatever he told his son, i took it for myself as well. and i was game.

Biling wasn't too confident. But i persisted.

4.00 am
Somewhere on the rocks, i was feeling very very faint. I had already thrown up once and wasn't feeling very confident. Biling had a strong grip on my hand but i was slipping. I was losing my balance with every step i took. I wasn't walking straight. I was tipsy. I tried sounding myself in my head, saying that i'll never forgive myself if i don't make it. i can imagine my dad's voice, "Daddy mummy also can, why you cannot?". I had to reach the peak. I really had to.

I wanted to bring myself up the rocks but Biling didn't let go. which was a good thing. I struggled up, huffing and puffing like a goldfish. For some reason daddy and mummy's framed up certs came to my mind. And i remember wanting to have my certs there so badly!

After throwing up the second time somewhere near South Peak, i gave up. Yes i did. I figured i had already lost. I'm so much younger than my parents when they climbed, and with so much more running in my history, yet i was losing. I was suffering. I might as well give up.

6.30 am
Biling left me after South Peak. He had lost faith in me. He told me to wait for my friends to come down. I was all out of hope. I wanted to cry but even that i didn't have the strength to. My arms were shivering even when i tried to bring my bottle to my lips. I just felt defeated.

somewhere further up i heard Ben and Yeok shouting to me. I knew it was them from the voice, but i couldnt see clearly. Neither could i make out what they were saying. I dismissed it with a wave, thinking whatever it was i wasn't up to it. i just wanted to sit down there and breathe. that's right. Breathe. Coz it seemed like i hadn't in quite some time. Ben kept calling, and my mind kept switching back and forth decidng to go on or not to go on.

I gave up deciding and willed myself to stand up. It was HARD. I fell back down after a couple of steps. These group of ang mohs again, (not too sure if it's the same ones) tried to talk to me. They asked me where my guide was, and in between gasps i said that he told me not to go on. So the ang moh said that i had better listen to him. Told me to rest for at least an hour. i was thinking in this cold? are you crazy?!

Anyway, Ben came to me since i was obviously not going to him. He gave me his windbreaker, propped me up and urged me to go on. He had his various tactics including conning me, showing me things which did not exist and all sorts. It worked wonders, I walked step by step and gasped for air every 10 steps. Met the rest and got myself another windbreaker from Yeok. I was a walking igloo. I crouched at the side while Ben, William and Sean started stripping. don't ask.

More vomiting. More "i can't do it alreadyla"s. and more "come on! going to reach already! see the stick there?"

Eugene and son came from behind at one point and saw how depressing i looked. He kept saying i looked very very pale and started lecturing me and Ben about not counting and letting me make my own decision or something. I wasn't really catching on but i nodded without realising that i had just agreed to decide on reaching the peak.

I struggled on with Ben alongside. It seemed like just minutes later when Eugene and Yi Xi came down from the peak and are now headed down. Eugene commented i've got colour in my face now and gave me lots of encouraging words. To which i regret saying i wasn't paying attention either.

7.30 am
The sight of Low's Peak was the best sight i've ever seen. Not only because it was the end of my horrendous nightmare. It was just so so scenic. Like it was extracted right out of a movie. I kept saying it looked like the Lord of the Rings. with all the midst surrounding the peaks.

I am forever in debt to Ben for bringing me up there. I seriously couldn't, wouldn't and shouldn't have done it without him.

the return

pre KK post

sometime back, i can't really remember when, some guy posted on my blog a comment which read something like "Would you be interested to climb mt kinabalu?". this happened last year. i replied him on his blog but received a reply only months later. i almost thought the invitation was false.

then i started getting emails from a mr. choi and many others. when they said to me "Welcome aboard!" i was more than psyched. But knowing my parents, they'd kill me before they'd allow me to go on a trip which costs RM1200 odd with some total strangers. let alone me being the youngest. persuading them would be tough.

the time came when i had to confirm and pay up. i still had not gained my parents permission. heck, i havent even gotten their knowledge about the thing. i decided to start with my dad. he's more adventurous and believes i should go for things i like. i asked him. he sounded okay with it but as usual, he'd end the conversation with "You ask mummy first".

I eventually asked them both at a sit down discussion. i conveniently left out details like i've never seen them before. i kept telling them, they're a group of runners and they go for the same races i go for. My mum wasn't too pleased but seeing how adamant i was she relented.

Now, approximately 10 hours till my flight to KK, i can't believe it's happening. I'm so excited. I hope i don't forget anything. but i usually make do if i did. Outward Bounder ma...*grins*.

so in about 4-5 days time, brace yourself for long winded picture-filled posts. it'll be all i'll ever talk about. :) see yaz!

40 past midnight

40 past midnight
still wide awake
looking at my work
almost drove me berzerk
trying to correct every mistake

40 past midnight
not a sound to be heard
but the tip-tapping of my keys
and soft swaying of the trees
looking upon me all weird

40 past midnight
and the night is still
for everyone' tightly sleeping
everthing's nicely sitting
moving is no longer their will

40 past midnight
and my heart feels serene
my mind is quiet
my feelings have retired
no roaring madness to be seen

40 past midnight
and i'm not crying
no i've won the fight
i'm doing alright
no longer am i thinking

all paid up!

As of today, Labour Day, i finally paid my dad in full for the Mt Kinabalu trip. Feels kinda good. I hate owing people money. But i guess relief is shortlived. I still have my Sydney plane fare to pay for, and the credit card bill.

Daddies out there, never give your daughters credit cards unless they're mature enough to face the consequences. And, put a limit on it. Then, whenever you guys go out as a family, make her use her credit card. So a portion of her limit is used up. It helps. :)

***
My morning jog today was a disaster. I once again couldn't run. I think know i have a fear. Whenever Keith comes along, i have this fear of losing to him. And i know i will. which really doesnt give me reason to fear actually, but it just happens. I had fun at the end of the morning. Went for a swim and i did laps of breaststroke and free style on intervals. Maybe swimming can be my thing now. i said maybe............

i'll stick to the idea of rock climbing.

anyway am very determined to make up for it later in the evening. I just had one of those talks with my mum. Coz i've been dwelling on my pathetic running for too long. She makes a lot of sense. But she's also right on one thing. I'm hell stubborn. And unless i puke my guts out from running, i'll keep striving to get my usual form back. It's not the end until i say it is.

oh and i'm giving PJ Half Marathon a miss. part of me wants to say it's due to exams. it falls right on them. but ther saintlier part of me knows it's coz i'm scared.

***
my ankle is fine btw. I'm able to pounce and prance around again. haha....

i watched a Grease Mania on ntv7 just now and was doing just that. Pouncing and prancing around like a high John Travolta. I really really want to catch the musical. I really really do. I just used up RM20 of my mum's phone credit participating in the Astro sms and win contest. I got all the questions right. Results only come out on 15th May. I hope i get tickets. If i don't i'm buying my mum her credit back.


***
Just a little something to leave you with. I especially love this song in the movie. for some crazy reason. ahahah


Beauty School Dropout

Your story's sad to tell, a teenage ne'er-do-well
Most mixed up non-delinquent on the block
Your future's so unclear now,
what's left of your career now
Can't even get a trade-in on your smile
Beauty school drop-out, no graduation day for you
Beauty school drop-out, missed your midterms
and flunked shampoo
Well at least you could have
taken time to wash and clean your clothes up
After spending all that dough to have the doctor
fix your nose up Baby get moving (better get moving),
why keep your feeble hopes alive
What are you proving (what are you proving)?
You've got the dream, but not the drive
If you go for your diploma, you could join a steno pool
Turn in your teasin' comb and go back to highschool
Beauty school drop-out, hangin' around the corner store
Beauty school drop-out, it's about time you knew the score
Well they couldn't teach you anything,
you think you're such a looker
But no customer would go to you,
unless she was a hooker
Baby don't sweat it (don't sweat it),
you're not cut out to hold the job
Better forget it (forget it), who wants their hair done by a slob
Now your bangs are curled, your lashes twirled,
and still the world is cruel
Wipe off that angel face and go back to highschool
Baby don't blow it, don't put my good advice to shame
Baby you know it, even Dear Abby's say the same
Now I've called the shot, get off the pot, I really gotta fly
Gotta be goin' to that maltshop in the sky
Beauty school drop-out, go back to highschool
Beauty school drop-out, go back to highschool
Beauty school drop-out, go back to highschool