Wednesday, March 23, 2005

- waaaaaa! -

i feel like crying. i can't believe just 1 week of lectures can cause such a big gap in my education syllabus. i'm so lost. i can't do the homework i have to complete for tomorrow. i don't even have the text book. i wonder if Mrs Peters will skin me alive coz she does seem rather strict. and i could have gotten the text book and asked Shakti to coach me before tomorrow. curse the procrastinator in me!

IS is drawing creases on my forehead too. there's so much to do! thank God next week's a holiday. i'll have one week to finish up all my work. i can only hope that i'm focused and disciplined enough to do so. what with yuh huey and gene being around, and reuniting the RSGs finally. sigh...i really need to get myself to focus.

it's 12.45 am and i can't sleep. slept too long in the afternoon after Ju left. geez...why do i have not a tinge of will power in me to do the things i wanna do in order to achieve??

my Malakoff sprint is this sunday. i know i'm like a first timer, and i shouldn't expect much out of it. but there is this fear in me somehow. i wonder if i'll be the last to come in. i wonder if i'll have a hard time cycling that 15 k. i wonder if i'll still be able to feel my legs after the cycling leg, and complete that another 3 k of running? i wonder if i'll ever be a duathlete?? let a lone a triathlete? i wonder if i'll ever succeed!!?

stress building up. my alter ego is screaming inside my head "u should not have gone to Perth!". yup...regret. regret that i went to Perth, and now suffer the consequences. in fact, regret that i ever got into business at all! why am i in business?? i know this is digging up old arguments but i'm sorry. i just can't find it in me, to accept myself in a commerce stream. i can't. now it's not so much about looking down on the course. it's more of me not being able to achieve my chase my passion.

passion...such a strong word. i wonder if i ever meant it. like my dad has always mocked me. i just don't have that in depth feeling in me. feelings that rush in and out of my soul just never quite stay. don't ask me why. i'm...flighty? i used to use that word to describe others. never though i'd describe myself with it. maybe my parents are right. i need to grow up.

no wonder my love life's a wreck. i'm just too immature. guys don't take me seriously. or is it vice versa? i think every bit of my character, every action i take, every word i utter all adds up to me. why why why?? why am i born with such absent-mindedness...such attention deficit? maybe i really do have ADHS (Attention deficit hyperactivity syndrome). My mum believes i do. She actually thinks i need counselling. *heavy sigh*

what am i crapping. i'm just stressed. think it's coz i've always tried to prove to my parents that i'm not a lousy dimwit. i see myself as something not-quite-there. so taking on the commerce course isn't just for the sake of getting a degree in the field they want. it's as if to say "fine, throw me into a course and i'll do well for your eyes to see!". and i guess that was a rash, unreasonable decision. i was so tired of arguing with them about what i want and what they want that i just gave in. so here i am, stuck in commerce, and i'm not enjoying it one bit. oh except for meeting Shakti la. she's a great pal. but the subjects? my mum used to say u either swim or sink. oh i'm swimmin' all right. but i'm gasping for air. i'm trying to grasp something to rest and lift my head above the water but there's nothing for me to grasp. so i'm stressed up. i've got loads of work to do.

and after all this ranting, the amount of work still did not diminish. ok time to start setting reasonable goals.
Short term goal: reach Metro at 8.30 am tomorrow to borrow Accounting text book and look through tutorial questions.
Mid term goal: complete IS assignments within the one week holiday.
Long term goal: pass all subjects and willingly move into second sem with arms wide open.

way to go Karen! roar roar roar!!!!

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