admiration/jealousy

i pride myself as being "not your average girl". i love the outdoors, i love being physically active, i have a thirst for muddy endeavours and i love having cuts and bruises, and showing off my "battle scars".

and in most cases, i'm usually the "it" girl under those categories. in most social circles, i am the subject of metaphors related to running, cycling, mountain scaling and so on. and i love being it. i love being called tough, and fast, and powerful.

but like every other "it" person in this world, there's always someone who is better. and at times, i can deal with the competition quite well. because there is always a trade off. she's faster than me, but i have more endurance. she's stronger than me, but i have more grace. she's tougher than me, but i'm so much more personable.

i know myself. i like a lot of things in a lot of people. i want to be so many things. i want to be everything. and yet sometimes, i realise i can never be perfect in every way, and so i allow myself to be flawed in some aspects, thinking i'm still a pretty cool person in the end. ego's back up. self esteem's back up.

until you meet the person who has it all. the strength. the speed. the agility. the grace. the elegance. the brains. the beauty. the character. oh yes, perfect exists in our world. and for such perfect people, i have a lot of admiration. i admire that these people are everything i want to be. down goes the ego. down goes the self esteem. that's when admiration blurs into jealousy.

my problem is i have the guts to dream, but not so much the will power to get myself there. and that, is one huge issue. i know i have to overcome that. and maybe start being a little happier with myself.