I am sitting here, with wells of tears threatening to fall off my lower eyelids at any second. breathing is the only thing i can do right now as she's downstairs, and I really don't want her to know I am about to bawl my eyes out.
It's so hard. I am definitely not the strongest person in the world because when it comes to addressing my emotions, I cave easily. The ground i stand on just trembles and cracks at my feet whenever I am emotional.
I am trying my very best to reason with the devil in my head that is telling me this is not worth it. It is. It definitely is. Because I want to be here. I want this damn degree and I'm going to get it. But for now I really just want to cry and scream because this damn subject is bloody overwhelming. For the first time in my entire life I had studied the whole damn syllabus, every damn page, every damn word of the damn coursebook from Saturday the 18th of October 2008. I read it all! I understood it. I was beaming with pride last night as I flipped over the last and final page of the damn course book because i can safely say i finished studying. Never in my life have I done that.
So today I attempted a question paper. And although I did not expect to know every answer (lest I expect myself to get 100%), i sure as hell did not expect to NOT know ANY answer. I had to thumb through my notes, my books, my slides, and the gyri and sulci of my damn slow processing brain to find answers for questions that aren't even hard. They're straightforward questions that ask "what's this" and "what's that" or "label this". Stuff that does not require understanding, rather a BLOODY BIG MEMORY SPACE.
I am so pissed off at myself right now because i spent 10 friggin' days to study the whole damn syllabus only to arrive at square one again. What do i know? A lot. A lot that somehow does not get tested in the bloody exam.
WHY? I don't know. I am feeling just about as useful as a mole on the side of my nose.
God I really wish it's worth it in the end. Because this ain't the only Medsci subject. There's Biosci next sem and Medsci 205 the year after. I really don't want to say this, but right this very moment I don't feel like i am cut out for science anymore.
Maybe i'm just not smart enough. Who am I trying to kid?
4 comments:
hey kar...
hang in there. I was hit really hard in first year too... failing mid terms and stuff... having nervous breakdowns every so often. it'll get easier as time moves along as you encounter more of the subject matter. have faith yea? *hugs*
thanks mei...yea really hope it gets easier...=) thanks a bunch...xx
mmm as a fellow sufferer of these "just memorize every damn thing" subjects, i can only say:
just constantly do exam papers/put yourself in situations where you can spout out the memories- retrieval of memory in exam situations (amongst others) is what makes the memory stick. (i think?)
good luck with med sci!
thanks! =) yea its been better since ive been doing past yr questions...=)
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