don't think...do...

i was watching episode 10 of How I Met Your Mother. Barney was lecturing Ted about thinking too much, thus making him down 5 shots. After getting drunk, Ted did a lot of things he would never do in a sober state. that made me think...

there was a time in school when i had the hugest crush on this guy that i met. it was a crush which lasted for about 3 years. he was from another school and we met through a Leo Club event. he was a friend of a friend. the funny thing was, i wasn't supposed to like him in the first place. the person who introduced this guy to me had expected me to like another person. this guy just happened to be standing with that person, thus my friend had to introduce me to both of them. the guy i was supposed to like looked cool, was outspoken and outgoing. while the guy i ended up liking was shy, quiet, very good looking and very very nice. i think the last factor was the winning factor.

anyway, we went out on several occasions, in a group of course. i don't think he knew that i liked him. usually it was after a Leo regional meeting or something. And i had met most of his friends, so i hung out with all of them just fine. but i had wanted to see him more of course, so i gathered up my friends and my guts and decided to invite him out too. being shy and all, he clearly wasn't too keen to go out with my friends and i. but knowing him, he was too nice to say no. my friends were with me when i made the call and they were more than psyched for me. they were laughing and choosing my clothes and stuff.

but it didn't feel right. i knew he wouldn't feel comfortable. i knew he said he'd come out of obligation. and one thing i knew darn well, but refused to admit to myself, i knew he most definitely did not feel the same way as i did. so much to my friends' disappointment, i cancelled. he was sweet enough to ask me if i was sure and all, but i knew he was relieved.

i think i think too much when it comes to this. i'm always looking at every angle and if there is the slightest chance that any party would be at an inconvenience, i'd back away. i have a long strike out list of guys i will never date because they're either a friend, a friend's friend, a brother's friend, a former girlfriend's boyfriend, a former boyfriend's friend, a former girlfriend's crush...the list goes on. i always assumed it'd make things uncomfortable. it'd enforce change, and i like change, just not the kind of change which alters a strong friendship.

there are times where i really envy the kind of girl who could get so close to a guy in just days from meeting each other. there are times where i hope i could love and let love that easily. i used to diss people like that, and bet with my friends how long those relationships would last. but now i think it's an admirable quality. to accept another individual as a whole, all his flaws and the incompatibilities so easily. to set aside differences with such peace of mind.

i think...and that is why.