lesser of both evils

my brain's a wreck
i'm torn apart
a tug of war is ripping my heart

my mind's a blur
no answer in sight
2 choices, neither wrong, neither right

it isn't fair
i don't want to take part
i'd rather lie than to live a facade

a change of direction
a different perspective
by my principles i chose to live

it's hard to accept
i cannot just close an eye
to shrug it off i will not try

paths have diverged
there's no turning back
no point in getting back on track

might not understand
might not fit in
maybe time will show me what you all have seen

***

a lot of things have been on my mind lately. there's exams, assignments, coaching, running. it all seems good - the hectic life. what i've always wanted to make my semesters fly by faster.

but a fickled mind sometimes makes the wrong choices. except that in all the grey, i saw it as the best choice. although guilt gnawed at my very core, and i feel really bad for lying. but i knew if i hadn't i'd be even more miserable.

as a schoolgirl, i've always wanted to be out of school. to have that driver's license, to go to college and to be the driver of my own life, so to speak. i was a typical teenager with raging hormones, thinking of all the possibilities that could happen once i'm out of school. i wanted to club, i wanted to hang out till late, i always groaned and whined when my mum starts ringing my phone at 11.45 pm getting me to go home. i'd come home in a crummy mood, and in my spoilt temper, overlooked my mum's looks of concern and worry evolving to sighs of relief that i'm home safe and sound.

i made my mum miserable many times. but i never saw it. i had always wished that i had a more lenient mum. i had wished that she'd be more sporting. i had so many selfish wishes that it disgusts me to reflect upon myself now. but in spite of all the tempers i threw, in spite of all the sulky faces i pulled and the answering back and the complaining, i would never ever regret the values that my mum had hotwired into my mind and soul.

and i can be too firm and adamant sometimes. i can be bossy, expecting people to see things the way i do. but only for all the things i believe is good. and to sit back and say "hey, you can do whatever you want, but i'm not into this kinda stuff" may seem like a viable option, but it's not that easy. i can't pretend that i'm okay with it. i criticise these people. i look down upon them. i think they're shallow. so though i won't commit it myself, the fact that my own friends do, doesn't make me feel any better.

in all my life, i have always defended my friends in the face of my mum. i always had their backs. my mum always said my bunch of friends were a wilder bunch than my brother's. the thing is, i know the kind of people my mum wants me to hang out with. and i used to believe that i already am. but it's changing now.

my point is, if you can go back home, and tell your mum the naked truth about everything that goes around u in ure life. what u do, what ure friends do, how they're like, how you are like. if u can tell your mum with a straight face, and know for sure that she won't be shocked or surprised or disappointed? then i say go ahead. do whatever u want with ure life. because i can. i may be the most estranged child in this family, but i can march up to my parents and just spill everything out, and i can guarantee you that there won't be a single thing that they won't be proud of.

i told a white lie today. a little white lie, that i've probably told many times. except that this time, i didnt lie to my mum.

as a schoolgirl i wanted so badly to grow up. now that i have, i'd like to go back to playing "heart attack" and "speed". i'd like to have dinner in McDs, and coke for dessert. i'd like to talk about songs, and boybands and shopping. just like we used to.