so many times

so many times i've tried to see
the freedom that i've been looking for
the pathway to happiness was too blurry for me
but to get off the broken road was a chore

it did not seem right at first
to just let all of it get away
to release everything ive held on to
to get up and move when i'd wanted to stay

but a world devoid of the feeling of love
had seemed so much more appealing
for i was too weak and drained of strength
to believe what i was believing

i found myself not thinking of him
and thought that i'd been liberated
in truth ive taken one step forward, two steps back
because misery had not been evicted

though love may seem a trivial part of life
life without love, to me, is mundane
to watch the people around me in love
is in fact, the true cause of my pain

watching the 12 am One Tree Hill was a mistake. i'm now resigned to a night of emoness and self pity. it just baffles me that Brooke, the all-time slut in Tree Hill High, in all her bossom-flashing bitchiness is able to attract a guy even in a fit of rage. it may seem rather bitchy of me to say this too, but i do question a lot of couples these days. i'll be listening to one side of the story and thinking to myself what in the world does this guy sitting across of me see in she-who-he-calls-his-girlfriend. and the worst part is i start getting cocky, thinking that i would probably be a fun-er girlfriend if he were mine. then i'd start getting all green with jealousy because he isn't mine. he, in actual fact, still belongs to she-who-he-calls-his-girlfriend. maybe it's me in self-defense mode, trying to console myself. try self-denial.

how many times have i been told that i was picky...how many times have i been told that i have an unachievable criteria list. well, i wouldn't have to make a list if sparks were to start flying when i'm with a guy. yes i do believe in that shit. but unfortunately, sparks have not been flying. and i refuse to test the waters. because i'm stubborn. i'm old fashioned. i want to meet someone the fairytale way. sue me.

i need sleep. sleep brings forth another day. another day brings forth other things to worry about.