just because it is too early to go to bed

i'm blogging because it is only 10.48 pm. i feel that any time before 11 pm seems too early to go to bed. although, admittedly, I have crept under the covers at about 10 plus before in the past. and i did so with no guilt whatsoever. just switched the lights off, went under the duvet, and went to sleep. almost instantly. such is my night time nowadays. because the friends at home come online far too late for me, and the friends here do not go online. because facebook can only entertain you so much in a day. because my internet isn't the greatest anyway. because i can't download songs, thus i'm sick of my song list.

***
i'm feeling fat. i admit that i sometimes do feel fat. and it is due to excessive binging. today i finished up the bag of corn chips, i finished up my bag of chocolate peanuts. and i finished up my pasta which was supposed to be for 2 meals. when i can no longer see the lines of my abs, i feel fat. it could potentially be due to water retention because it is that time of the month again. but either way, i'm feeling fat. and the scary thing is i'm not really in the mood to go running. heh.

***
i'm aiming to do a chin up by the end of the year. the target it to be able to do 2 successive chin ups (because one could be a fluke). my upper body strength is shocking. right now i wake up, hop onto the floor and do 12 push ups every morning. i'm gonna hit 15 next week, 17 the week after, then 20...and so on and so forth. u reckon that alone will help me do a chin up? or do i need a whole lot of pecs strength training as well?

***
i'm starting to miss u. quite terribly.

***
woohoo. it's 11. goodnight, world.

beach-tramp-sunny-outdoorsy-day

So the forecast for Sunday was sunny and fine weather and Ruth really wanted to be outdoors. So Erin and I decided we should all have an outdoorsy day as well!

We took Shrek to Karekare beach out west of Auckland. I have to say, Shrek went through a lot that day, but I'm proud of him nonetheless. =)

The weather was indeed glorious to be out at the beach. It was about 16 degrees but i stripped down to my bikini in the end and jumped into the freezing sea! It was good fun! =)

We also decided to go on a tramp so we changed into our trainers and started trekking onto some random path. Got a little lost for a bit, it was supposed to be a half an hour tramp, but we took nearly 2 hours in the end. haha...was a good route though. I thoroughly enjoyed it! =)

Fun times like these make me lazy to study. Also makes me feel slightly sad that I'm saying goodbye to these girls quite soon. =(

Patrick Swayze, Del Potro, Shrek.

My gosh, I haven't rhymed in yonks! I tried the other day seeing that grief used to be my best genre, and I have been going through quite a bit of grief lately, but it became too personal in the end to be posted up on this blog. And I'd really like to put up a strong front so this blog shall not be grey and blue! Behold, random thoughts of the day in no particular order!

• So Patrick Swayze died today. I am honestly saddened by this. I like the dude. I thought he was rather hot, in my humble opinion. And Dirty Dancing was a cool movie! so was Ghost, but I prefer Dirty Dancing. Our world is losing so many talented males, it's tragic!

• Del Potro is 2 years my junior! Man is that boy young! And already a title champ. When I was 21 I was...single...and in a green dress at a restaurant whose table clothes were the colour of my dress. The exact same green. heh. Anyway, awww...i wanted Federer to win!! Because he da man! =(

• Shrek, my lovely little green machine is BACK. after 2 weeks and 2 days my car mechanic/dealer had kept him in rehab. He's driving great now on the road. Except the brake fluid lights are on and I don't know if that's really a concern, or it's just because the guy had earlier emptied some fluid stuff and changed some hose ring thing and the car just hasn't really "sensed" it has been refilled. *shrug*. Will try to find that brake fluid reservoire tomorrow morning and see if it's really running low. Shouldn't be that hard to find. :P

there goes my holiday

2 weeks of semester break whizzed by really really REALLY quickly. And I must say having Weng Lum and Anne over made it a lot more exciting than I had planned. I actually have been very lucky to have so many visitors. I think my flatmates are jealous of me. Haha...well, who's next? =)

After they left, everything was at a standstill. It was as if you could hear the sound of crickets in the air. And so, with a sudden burst of quiet time, I had a lot of time to think about some of the things that have been clouding my mind lately. I thought of the things that initiated the issue at hand. I tried to trace back to the time it all started and who committed the first flaw. I tried tying in memories of a year ago with memories of 3 months ago. I tried to comprehend my actions and yours from as objective a point of view as I could possibly manage. I tried to be professional. I tried to leave my emotions aside and just see things from a 3rd party's perspective.

I failed. In so many degrees.

I honestly think I'm incapable of making sound judgements when it comes to you. Every decision had a flipside to it. There was none that was absolute. Nothing is ever clear cut when it comes to thoughts about you.

I hope things get better. I honestly do.

I hope we can start anew.

with Weng Lum and Anne

With Weng Lum and Anne over in the past 7 days, life fast forwarded 3x its regular pace. It was fun. There were a few setbacks which were really untimely, and possibly because I've been moody and grumpy for a while now, hence attracting some negative energy, but on the whole I'd say there were definitely many many many more high points than low points. Which is good. Considering I am trying desperately to shift my focus.

my extremely successful Merdeka Day night at my place

Sitting on the flying fox at Cornwall Park

I am, until now, still laughing silently to myself about the silliest words (English, Malay, Maori, Chinese) which were thrown around by Navin, Hanizah and Weng. Ahh...fun times.

I spent heaps of cash but it was well worth it. Weng Lum and his DSLR and his silly nonsensical chatter with Navin and Hanizah and the great blue sunny skies and the awesome new sights...that's what I call a holiday. Friends, fun, sun.I've got so many photos I don't know which to publish. I can't even decide which photo to use as my Facebook and MSN profile pictures. HAHA! I think imma gonna alternate them for a few weeks. Just because I can. =)

As I did the day Julie left, I am sitting here wondering what to do with myself today, feeling a little lonely, and wishing that Weng Lum and Anne didn't leave. I have a couple of assignments and readings to finish before school starts again, but I can't bring myself to do them. Not right now anyway. Will get to them soon enough.

***

On other things. I'm fine. I think. well, not really. I think I almost broke down that day karaokeing with the guys. But i recovered.

I can't help it. It's possibly the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. I think I finally understand the many other incidents in the past where I had to console a friend with a broken heart. No amount of "there there, it's ok" will ever make things okay. And neither would "Come on, be strong, I know you are" make me feel any better. Honestly. I can only heal with time. And chocolate.

Except that I've decided to not spend a dime for 2 weeks to recover from the wallet burn in the past couple of weeks. So I'm doing it without chocolate this time.

heh.

Test

I think, I'm not as strong as I'd like myself to be. I think that when I see an uphill while running, I increase speed and pummel on and I go "Huh, I'm pretty tough". But when Life throws me an uphill test, I panic and wish with all my might that I can turn around and run the opposite direction. Or in this case, in the direction of home.

Life has been quite a test this past week or so. And I think I have found out roughly where I stand on the toughness scale...i.e...not very high up.

But I believe that with every test thrown my way, I do come out a little stronger. I progress slowly, but surely.

But after all that's said and done, a large chunk of me just can't wait to be home right now. And surprise, you're still the reason.