Tuesday, January 18, 2011


I've never been good with trying to stifle hunger pangs. I've never been able to go on diets and all, simply because I love food too much. One of the biggest contributors to my homesickness in New Zealand was the food cravings I had which went dissatisfied for months, till I came home and sank my teeth into some good ol' Malaysian delicacy.

I think it also has to do with the fact that I almost always got what I wanted. Maybe life has been easy for me, that whenever I wanted something, I usually got it relatively easily. If I wanted a Ramly burger, I'd get it. If I wanted to do a degree overseas, I got it. If I wanted to stay out late with my friends, there'd be some struggle I had to put up with, but I eventually got it. If I wanted something new, I somehow found a way to get it. Not necessarily through my parents' means, sometimes on my own. My universe has been somewhat kind to me all this while, arranging things in a way where I got things the way I wanted, almost always.

Right up till now. I really want something right now. And every cell in my heart and brain tell me that I want it. But I cannot have it. And that depresses me. Because as far as I know, I've done whatever I can to ensure I did no wrong. I've done everything I know, to be the best person I can be, to give, to forgive, to love, and to respect. Only to lose at a game I thought I knew how to win.

If this is what it's like to be a full grown adult, then I wish I could stay a kid forever. Where if you were naughty, you get punished, if you were good, you get chocolate. And chocolate which came as a reward always tasted far sweeter than usual.

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