body issues

I may not really show it, but I think sometimes I have body issues. I wouldn't be busting my butt off every now and then if I didn't. "I love running" isn't quite motivation enough to throw my trainers on and hit the road sometimes. heh.

So yesterday when I went running at the lake, one of the regulars there said to me "Wah you put on weight ar?". Darn. I absolutely abhor that comment. It's the bane of me. Because I feel like I wear the tag Sport Science all the time and I should, at the very least, look the part. I feel people like me shouldn't gain weight, simply because we know how not to.

But I guess doctors fall sick too.

Anyway. I have been putting on weight. But not fat. Muscle. And I say this with absolute confidence.

My shoulders and arms have a heavier tone in the past month or so. Probably due to push ups and burpees. It's funny though, because I don't do heaps of them. Neither do I lift weights. I guess I'm just a typical mesomorph.

But any layman (from Malaysia) who sees me will say "Wah you put on weight ar?" because when I'm donning my sleeveless running tanks I think look like a boy with boobs and a ponytail. heh.

The final whine.

"I can't stand it. She's so whiny!" says a friend about the protagonist of Eat Pray Love, a book which I've recently picked up and started reading because I couldn't bring myself to continue to read The Girl Who Played With Fire.

I had just watched the movie Eat Pray Love, and I thought it was quite good. I really liked it. But I don't know whether it's due to the fact that I'm pining for someone myself, thus, I felt some sorta empathy for her.

So do I whine? Am I being whiny right now to the friends I confide in?

After thinking about it for a while, I think I do. Actually, I know I do. And in my efforts to not annoy my friends, I try to keep it to a minimum, hence I keep more things bottled up inside of me and put on a brave smiley front whenever I see them, until I eventually explode at the slightest trigger, say spilt juice. This has happened more than once.

It's almost 3 months since the break up, a deadline I've given myself to end my pathetic sobs and whines and forget the heartbreak altogether. I know it would be no easy task as I still think of him dearly every day, and I miss him terribly. The sight of couples on the street and in shopping malls, even watching my friends and their boyfriends, get me down. =(

I wonder if he has found someone new by now. And I wonder if I saw him and her together, I'd be able to move on quicker. I know it would crush me to the ends of never, but at least it would give me a sense of finality. Maybe if I saw that he has already invested his heart in another, I would be able to mend my broken machine and do the same for myself.

Maybe. Sigh.

And this shall be my final whine.

Flash Mob!

I've watched a million Flash Mob videos from all over the world, and I kept thinking, Malaysia will never be able to pull something like that off. Then Singapore did one. And apparently KL did one too!

When Shu Fei told me about it in December I was pretty excited! I was more than ecstatic to help her out, and she thought I was doing her a grand favour! I had so much fun I miss the stress and hours of practise! I ♥ performances!

Anyway, Mr Tan, friend of mine, helped record this video, so enjoy! =)

Sound Advice

Source: http://healthsetter.com/sound-advice/

Ruins.

“A friend took me to the most amazing place the other day. It’s called the Augusteum. Octavian Augustus built it to house his remains. When the barbarians came they trashed it a long with everything else. The great Augustus, Rome’s first true great emperor. How could he have imagined that Rome, the whole world as far as he was concerned, would be in ruins. It’s one of the quietest, loneliest places in Rome. The city has grown up around it over the centuries. It feels like a precious wound, a heartbreak you won’t let go of because it hurts too good. We all want things to stay the same. Settle for living in misery because we’re afraid of change, of things crumbling to ruins. Then I looked at around to this place, at the chaos it has endured – the way it has been adapted, burned, pillaged and found a way to build itself back up again. And I was reassured, maybe my life hasn’t been so chaotic, it’s just the world that is, and the real trap is getting attached to any of it. Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.”

29.

A year ago, I would go into a mild anxiety state when the date of my departure drew closer than 30 days. I would rack my brains to think of places to go, food to eat and just ways to spend time with him before i fly off again. I knew that every time I flew off, I was saying goodbye to more than just physical presence. Because the silence that lay ahead was inevitable.

Now that I didn't have to worry about it, I should kind of look forward to going off, and finishing up my degree.

Except, that something else sits at the back of my mind.

The thought of returning home, and finding that he's no longer here.

Hunger.

I've never been good with trying to stifle hunger pangs. I've never been able to go on diets and all, simply because I love food too much. One of the biggest contributors to my homesickness in New Zealand was the food cravings I had which went dissatisfied for months, till I came home and sank my teeth into some good ol' Malaysian delicacy.

I think it also has to do with the fact that I almost always got what I wanted. Maybe life has been easy for me, that whenever I wanted something, I usually got it relatively easily. If I wanted a Ramly burger, I'd get it. If I wanted to do a degree overseas, I got it. If I wanted to stay out late with my friends, there'd be some struggle I had to put up with, but I eventually got it. If I wanted something new, I somehow found a way to get it. Not necessarily through my parents' means, sometimes on my own. My universe has been somewhat kind to me all this while, arranging things in a way where I got things the way I wanted, almost always.

Right up till now. I really want something right now. And every cell in my heart and brain tell me that I want it. But I cannot have it. And that depresses me. Because as far as I know, I've done whatever I can to ensure I did no wrong. I've done everything I know, to be the best person I can be, to give, to forgive, to love, and to respect. Only to lose at a game I thought I knew how to win.

If this is what it's like to be a full grown adult, then I wish I could stay a kid forever. Where if you were naughty, you get punished, if you were good, you get chocolate. And chocolate which came as a reward always tasted far sweeter than usual.

Between the lines

Time to tell me the truth
To burden your mouth for what you say
No pieces of paper in the way
'Cause I can't continue pretending to choose
These opposite sides on which we fall
Loving you laters if at all
No right minds could wrong be this many times

My memory is cruel
I'm queen of attention to details
Defending intentions if he fails
Until now, he told me her name
It sounded familiar in a way
I could have sworn I'd heard him say it ten thousand times
Oh, if only I had been listening

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always between the lines
Between the lines

I thought I, I thought I was ready to bleed
That we'd move from the shadows on the wall
And stand in the center of it all
Too late, two choices to stay or to leave
Mine was so easy to uncover
He'd already left with the other
So I've learned to listen through silence

I tell myself all the words he surely meant to say
I'll talk until the conversation doesn't stay on
Wait for me, I'm almost ready
When he meant let go

Orang Éire

I have been given the opportunity to train the Orang Éire. That's Orang as in Malay for "Men" and Éire as in Irish for "Ireland". That's right, baby, I've been training the Gaelic Football team of Malaysia!

But before you go "You play Gaelic??? I didn't even know you play football!", you're right. I don't. I don't even know the rules to it. I'm training them on strength, agility and conditioning. In other words, I've been bootcamping their Irish arses into shape! =) (which isn't too bad a sight, to be honest).

It's been good fun! The team is a proud group consisting of Irish, Scottish, Americans, Kiwis, Jamaicans, and Aussies. I think they're parents/teachers of Garden International School in Mont Kiara. So training sessions are held in the very beautiful GIS field.

I LOVE the school. If I were a student there I'd so wanna be an athletic superstar. It's got every facility you can dream of, top notch, A grade, best quality!

But forget the field. The team has been great! I've only had 2 sessions with them, and I've had so much fun! They're a very fit bunch of people, and their determination inspires me.

They've been asking me to join them in their games, and you know me, and my phobia of balls? Yeah, got me a little worried. But after learning a little more about the game, I think I kinda like this game. Because you can do pretty much anything with it. =) Have a look at the video.

Sad love songs

They say when you're in love, every lovesong is about you.

Lately, I've been inevitably attracted to songs with a more melancholic genre. It's asking for trouble, really, because I just feel even sadder later on. But it's not like happy lovesongs make me feel any better. All I can think of is how that could have once applied to me.

When you're thirsty, you drink. When you're hungry, you eat. So what do you do when you're dying to hold him, and he's only a minute's drive away?

That's what's killing me.
So what's worse?

Being 12 hours apart by flight, loving him from a distance, waiting through the months to be in his embrace; or, being only a stone's throw away from him, loving him from a distance, and knowing you can no longer be in his embrace.

moot.

Feel.

It has been established that women tend to feel more than men. In general. And the men I speak to agree with this statement.

I think it's just the whole Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus concept. We're just built differently. It is sometimes quite puzzling why we're made to fall in love with each other.

But sometimes I wish men are built with a little bit more emotion. Not equal to women. Just a tad more than what they already have. Sometimes I wish they would actually think a fraction of a second longer before uttering certain words, or doing certain things, which involve the woman they claim to care for. Sometimes I wish they can actually feel just a tad more for the one woman in their lives, so that she becomes just that bit more special to him.

It's either that or make us women less emotional. Chip away at our feelings of guilt, yearning, loneliness and attachment.

I think the gap is too big.

"He who cares least, wins."

XT Wings

I got new trail running shoes. ♥

Seep through.

3 days into the New Year, and I've been holding up! Bootcamp started again this morning, and it was Benchmark day. I love my job. I can't wait to be a full time trainer! =)

My brother went back to Perth tonight. It was good fun having him around, always dreaded sending him off. It's like ever since I had to go overseas, albeit how much I wanted to go when I was younger, I really appreciate times when the whole family are together. If I could preserve time, I'd preserve the time when we were all still studying in Subang Jaya. =)

I went for a trip to PD over the New Year weekend. It was...interesting. It wasn't my usual crowd, and I only knew about 3-4 people out of the 13. I went because everyone around me encourages me to go out, meet new people, have fun, enjoy, live life...which I should. So I went. The drinking was good. I haven't had a session of happy juice indulgence in a while. But I'm not a big fan of the smoking that went on in that bungalow. And we had very different views on matters of life. heh.

And it bugged me just a tad, that PD was the last place I saw him on July 23rd...right before he sent me to the airport. The bridge we walked hand-in-hand, the nasi lemak kukus stall we stopped at for a bite, the beach we strolled...they all resonated in my eyes as memories I am trying quite hard to bury. It's funny, innit, how only 6 months ago everything seemed promising.

I guess that's long distance relationships for you. You run the risk of having memories in snapshots, but what happens in the months in between remains grey. I think it's not uncommon. Many people in long distance relationships bite to dust. But everyone has the right to hope to be the ones to walk out at the other end of the tunnel. I know I certainly prayed I could be that lucky.

Better luck next time? =)