Freak

I sometimes wonder if there is something wrong with me socially. Because, there I was at Zouk last night, dancing with 2 of my bestest friends in the world, and I still could not comprehend what attracts people to clubs.

Everything about clubs spell sin. I know I'm being such a prude, but I really don't know why I'd go to a club to subject myself to massive amounts of second hand smoke, disgusting intoxicated drunkards with octopus hands, gross toilets, the paranoia that my wallet/mobile would be nicked, the paranoia that if I stood alone I'd be approached by unwanted people, and did i mention the vile, pungent smell of second hand smoke in my hair and clothes and everything?

But I have not found another soul who seems to share my opinions. I have not found another person who is about my age, who's been through the same education system I went through, who is generally sociable and extroverted and not a complete nerd/geek/introvert, who seems to despise clubbing as much as I do. All my friends seem to like it. Or be okay with it. Why?

Does that make me kind of a freak? Every time I tell someone I don't club the conversation goes like this:

A: You don't club? Serious?

Me: Yea, I don't really like it. Not really my most comfortable zone in the world.

A: Yeah, I know what you mean. Nowadays I also don't club that often. Getting old/no time/too many young people in the club...

Me: Nah I've never really clubbed. Not even after high school. This is like my 3rd time here in my entire life.

A: O.o

I think when people hear that coming from my mouth, I get labelled prude immediately. And that kinda makes me NOT want to go to clubs even more. Because in the club, I am by far the LEAST coolest person in the room and that...is just sad.

Last night, probably under the influence of alcohol, my self esteem took a dive to the hell below. I felt uncool, unattractive, uncoordinated, awkward in my dress and heels, unappreciated, and unwanted. I thought to myself "Who would want to date you, prude! You don't club? That's damn uncool. You're dragged to the middle of the dance floor and all you can worry about is someone groping you in the dark? What a loser! No wonder you got dumped! You're no fun at all!" (Yes I realize I can be pretty damn harsh to myself). But I couldn't help it. All I could think of was how uncool and conservative I am. And how he is such a social butterfly, fluttering amongst different clicks, he's got money, he's got moves, he's got wit and charm. And he could've been the worst to me, people still laughed, and danced and bloody smoked with him like he was their best chum. I kept picturing him there. Dancing. Laughing. And then I looked at my two best friends having a ball of a time. EVERYONE was having a blast. In that scenario, I was the different one. I was the only one with a frown on my face. In that scenario, the world could be divided into 2, the cool happy people to which both my best friends and him belong to, and the uncool and very uncomfortable people to which only I belong to.

I suddenly felt how unfair the world was. How people are constantly on pretense, putting on facades to others. How so many people gave up trying to be themselves anymore because it was just way easier to be someone other people could hang with.

Now, may I remind you that I had a few drinks and let's just say I was not really in my best emotional state. So all this melodrama just came crashing down on me in spite of the loud pumping music and the party vibe which surrounded me.

I am an outcast in a club. And I will ALWAYS be an outcast in a club. No matter how many chances I give it, the club is not my most comfortable setting in the world. When I am in there, I feel at my lowest. And that's not very pleasant.