How many times must I deal with disappointment?

I guess I shouldn't be complaining
I know I didn't work as hard
But somehow that's the best I'm giving
It was how I was from the start

I never like to study
I'm just not cut out for it
I wonder if I chose correctly
I wonder if I am fit

Today's test was freakin' tough
I thought I was gonna like it
Guess "Physics, my favourite" is a bluff
My knowledge was only that tiny bit

I think I'm pretty stubborn
Not only to others but myself as well
Why is it I never learn
To study hard and do reasonably well?

Every time a test is near
I tell myself I will try my best
But sitting for it, I'll start to fear
Once again I should've studied for the test!

Results come back and disappoint me
They reach my parents and disappoint them
Which, disappoints me again eventually
Till everyone's deep in disappointment!

I've gone through this cycle before
I really should commit to commitment
I must not slack anymore
So, I don't have to deal with disappointment...

another perfect day...

Can't get out of the bed (I know the feeling)
Alarm clock next to my head (A ring a tingaling)
Want to sleep instead of dealing with schoooooooool
Hit the snooze button twice (It's way too early)
Shower's cold as ice (ch..ch..chilly)
Spilled my crispy rice that's so uncoooooool

Ruined my skirt, and my feet kinda hurt
Coz i'm wearing too much shoes
Got into shit but i ain't gonna quit
I know how to beat this blueeeeeeeeeeeeeees

I just close my eyes and saaaayyyy
Another perfect day!
Another perfect day!
Another perfect day!

Having exams now...kinda sucky...but i guess it'll be over in no time...3 more days...3 more papers...no sweat! ahahha think my only fear is chem and maths! but this does not mean i will score for the rest...I'm still on the pass or fail basis here? haha...

Haven't spoken to you
For a few days now
Feels a bit lonely, true
But there's something else too
Wanna explain but i dunno how

Part of me wishes to see you
Part of me wishes not
I like you, i do
But there's other feelings too
Feelings i thought i forgot

When i was unsure about you
When i thought i made a mistake
I thought about it through
Realised I shouldn't blame you
Just for my satisfaction's sake

But in these few days
I wonder if I'd be wrong
To go on with this craze
Seems like a neverending chase
Should i just move along?

not so sure anymore...

At first i thought, you're interesting
You gave a new perspective towards guys
Things we talk about are amusing
Made me feel like giving it a try

I thought I finally found someone
That could match everything R had
In fact I almost thought you're the one
That was better when I compared

But tonight I felt a bit different
I feel as though I have changed my mind
Your intelligence might be a deterrent
Guess i'm not into the smart kind

But then i started to think again
And again I think I'm not that sure
One possible reason I managed to obtain
My jealousy might have made me detour

I thought about you and your ex
About how you both were said to be perfect
I guess my fear is quite complex
That my simplicity you migth reject

Then I thought about the girl you call
And talk for hours almost everyday
You 2 must have clicked and all
To have so many things to say

Maybe it's not jealousy that i feel
Maybe it's the fear of disappointment
I guess I fear that I'll never be ideal
Thus, I dare not make a commitment

So the focus here isn't on you
It's what I think of myself really
I thought it would finally come true
Guess I'm not that sure already...

Jus know i suddenly felt a pang of sadness as i talked to E. He seemed so sure of himself all the time...makes me wonder if my low self esteem could match him. What if he thinks of me as someone not at par? Then the phonecalls? what if he has feelings for that girl? Or feeligns for his ex? I dunno...possibly I could be saddened coz he cannot meet up with me tmr due to some rearrangements. Or maybe i'm just saddened coz fate doesn't agree?

OR maybe i'm just thinking of R because he jus msged me after centuries i have not seen his name on my phone. Maybe i'm not totally over R. I tried to avoid meeting him this morning coz of my new haircut. It just happened naturally. In my phone are the 4 messages i recieved months ago from him...rejecting me. I didn't intend to keep them for so long. But i didn't come around to deleting them either. sigh...

HoW i LoOk LiKe nOw...

Feels good

It feels good
When I drive myself to college
When I reach class on time
When I pay attention in class
When I finish an uphill climb

It feels good
When I make someone laugh
When I dry someone's tears
When I just make a difference
When I'm around my peers

It feels good
When I have a change in life
When I try out something new
When I realised something good
When my problems are few

It feels good
When I just get along
With everything and everyone
When I wake up in the morning
And a new day has begun

Beginning to count my blessings here...trying to make myself feel good as often as possible with the hope that by doing so, I make others feel good too...and hopefully make the world a better place. i'm serious! ahahah it's actually all part of improving myself, but then i thought, might as well improve others too. And i started off by getting a new haircut! I look good, thus i feel good! And wonders upon wonders, I studied chem tonight. I actually got down to studying it! woohoo!

An excuse or a confession?

You added him and spoke about me
About you being his competitor
You spoke about your interests in me
And he became your challenger

You both argued about who's the best
And pointed each one's mistakes out
You tried to put each other to the test
And I was all it was about

Frankly, i can't help but wonder
If the things you told him were true
Things you said about my character
Did it really come from within you

Then there was what i just said
This time I told him I liked you
Was it somethign i decided to create
Or did i really mean it too

Somehow I did have to choose
Between ignoring and confrontation
So while it was meant to be an excuse
It was actually a confession

To tell or not to tell? I decided for it. Here, i mean to tell K that i like E. And i did...jus now...hoping that it would appear to him as "get lost and get a life!" but no...he still ain't giving up. sigh...anyway, now that i have said it out i guess i have the right to ignore him...
How abt E? time will tell i guess...=)