Burnt out.

burn·out/ˈbərnˌout/Noun

1. The reduction of a fuel or substance to nothing through use or combustion.

2. Physical or mental collapse caused by overwork or stress.

I. cannot. study. any. more.

Have you ever felt such disdain for something that you'd wish you can shove everything about that something into the "insinkerator" and laugh with elation as the clinking and clanking sound of your relief fills the air?

How on earth did I come from begging to do this degree to this point?

I think it's the knowledge that there are other aspects to life other than education. How I wish I can go back to primary school, where getting A's is all I have to do and all I have to know how to do to make mum, dad and little Karen all very happy. How I wish I never learned of Bill Gates or Mark Zuckerberg or successful people who make it big without graduating.

meh.

Be humble

One of the things my parents placed a lot of emphasis on as we were growing up was to be humble. Never show off things you've got or you are capable of doing. Never brag. But at the same time, they always encouraged us to go out and shine! They encouraged us to pursue the things we wanted to pursue, and supported us all the way.

So in a way I always feel like my parents raised me as a superhero. A vigilante who goes out to "save the world" but then always hides behind the face of just another person amidst the crowd. I mean, I'm proud of how they've raised me, and I'm proud of how far I've come. I know that I've been given plenty of opportunity to experience and achieve the things I have today. But I will always try to be humble about it, and not let it get to my head too much. I will always look at myself from an outsider's point of view, and find plenty of room for improvement.

Which is why when people compliment me, I feel elated. Because that is what I've earned. That is not self praise, nor is it being smug. Praise and compliments from other people always make me extremely happy, and game to do even better the next time.

Not too long ago, I received an e-mail from a friend. I am not particularly close to her, but I've hung out with her a couple of times here in Auckland. She's very cool and I have high regard for her because she has a strong personality and is a dream chaser. Her e-mail came to me as a total surprise because I've not had any communication with her in a while. In her e-mail she wrote that she just wanted to let me know she thought I have plenty of potential. She said I had the right personality and physique for the entertainment industry and if I were keen on it she could hook me up with her networks. She said she thought I was a hard worker and she thinks I could go far.

Reading something like that out of the blue and from someone whom I respect, really made me feel pretty good about myself. It was honest and sincere, because I know she is honest and sincere, and I don't really know what to say except that I was very touched by her note.

And I guess I'm blogging about it only now because today I'm feeling kinda...meh. And I needed a picker upper. I've not been doing so well with the Medsci Lab Reports, when I thought I've been doing ok. The markers this year seem to mark even more strictly than they did last year, which is a bit annoying, because I handed in pretty much the same report, just with adjustments and improvements, but I got marked down instead! Annoyed. =\

I feel a bitterness rising inside with anything that has to do with Medsci. I know it's not good, but I just have so much hatred towards this paper. I don't like it, I don't want to like it, and I will never like it. But I have to take it. And I have to pass it.

I fear this coming final exams. I have never feared exams, but I fear this one. It is the one thing standing in my way of obtaining my Bachelors in Sport and Exercise Science. Without Medsci 205, my life would be a whole lot easier. This last semester was supposed to be doable, it was supposed to be me just finishing up and getting my degree. If it had been just me and my 3 Sportsci papers and 1 Math paper, my last few months in NZ would be bliss.

But looks like someone up there doesn't want my life to be a bed of roses just yet. Someone really wants me to prove how tough I can actually be. Grr..I hope that someone is happy that I'm getting sleepless nights because of Medsci.

Xterra Trail Run Series - Riverhead Forest

This morning I took part in the first Xterra Trail Run. Stan signed up as well, so we did the Super Long course together. 21kms of pure muddy, rocky, rugged terrain. <3 haha...

Over the past few days I have been working my legs out heaps. I went for a run up Mount Wellington on Friday morning, then took a spin class about an hour just after. Yesterday morning I took Bootcamp for Configure, for which I didn't run much, but I did lead the warm up up Mount Wellington again. And then I took another spin class at 10.30 am that same morning. And to add to that, I've been swamped with reports to complete, which meant I had very little sleep over the past few nights too.

Which is probably no wonder that my quad muscles started to cramp up about 8kms into the race. And then in a moment of pure clumsiness (Karen style), I slipped on a muddy patch, jammed my foot to stop myself, and pulled my quad. Ouch, is an understatement. I tried to massage it, and slowly stretch it out, which helped to ease the pain. Slowly I started to pick up the pace again.

Stan and I ran the rest of the way together. He's amazing motivation to keep going. It's pretty awesome, because the last time I truly enjoyed running alongside someone else was with Keeran for the first Genting Trailblazer. But we were in a team event then, so we kinda had to keep close together. And I wasn't going out with him. So that's a different story. =) Oh running with Lydia was cool too, but again, team event, must run together.

We finished the race in 3 hours and 9 minutes, roughly. I was quite happy =) I aimed for 3 hours, but with trail runs, you can never tell how long you're gonna take because the terrain is so unpredictable. Plus, pulling a muscle is no fun. But having somebody to run with, is a lot of good fun. And especially with the kind of terrain we went through today, I know that even the keenest running friends I've got would not have enjoyed it. The fact that Stan thoroughly enjoyed it just leaves me in disbelief, I can't believe I never met him sooner. =)

happiness

me: haha...we're ambassadors of fitness ;)

him: LOL. should we take over the world?;)

me: yes! hahaha

him: me and you... deal. we'll recruit more soldiers. and run our own fitness regime

me: hahah...yay! u know the cartoon the pinky and the brain?

him: yea. i'll be pinky :D

me: hahah

him: brain is weird

me: ok i'll be the brain...i'll start planning to take over the world...haha

him: haha cute! then we'll get that tank too :p

me: *nods* =)

him: then we'll rock up with our aviators

me: LOL :D

happy times!

What is this, I shouldn't have let that piece of bad news stay on top of my blog for so long! Because although I was gutted, I was actually pretty numb about it a day after. =)

I've had SUCH a busy week! Well, I've had such a busy month. period. It's already the month of May! Time's speeding! I'm in my 9th week of uni, just a little over 3 weeks to go before the end of the semester.

Over the weekend I held a little party at my flat just to celebrate my birthday. I know it's not the actual day yet, but oh well, I figured it's also kinda like a pre farewell party...actually, it was just a reason to hold a party. just because. haha...=) You know how much I love having people over. And the turn out was great! I had roughly 20 guests. It was a tea time party, so I only prepared snacks and finger foods, Stan helped make some club sandwiches, Elise made me a ham and mushroom quiche, Laura made a fruit salad, and Erin and Lily both baked me my birthday cake! It was nice to see all of my favourite people in Auckland together in one room. I always do this, chuck all my different clicks of friends into one room and just hope they get along. It usually works, though I don't know if that's strange to do or not. hehe..

Wye Yin, or Coreen as she is known here, still think it's kinda cool how we come to meet again in New Zealand after all these years.

Erin and Elise! Two of my favourite Es. =)

Stan, the Man. ;)

So yes, finally I'm having a ball in Auckland, just when I'm about to leave. The irony! Life gets you in the silliest situations doesn't it? Oh, did I mention I'm also sick as hell with the cold, cough, fever, headache and all that jazz just 2 days before my actual 25th birthday? My flatmates told me it's bad luck to celebrate your birthday before the actual day, I think this is karma knocking on my door already. But then again, I'm gonna will myself to health with my super awesome immune system! I'll be in the pink of health come this Wednesday, you'll see! ;)

Am I stupid or something?

Ok, so, I just got my Medsci205 Mid Term results back, and GUESS WHAT?

I failed it. Again. In fact, I think even worse than I did last year.

I'm starting to think maybe I'm a little stupider than I actually think of myself. Which is kinda sad because I've always had pretty good self esteem. It's insane. I've never done so badly in a subject before. I'm not that dumb, I don't think. I have brains that may not work 100% all the time, but I think it's safe to say that I've always been a higher than average student. I don't score straight As, but I do get them here and there. I understand things, I learn quick, and I'm really NOT a dimbo. I think I do have a scientific brain or else I wouldn't have gotten the results I've gotten in all my Sportsci subjects and through my BCom and through school. I'm NOT STUPID!

So why is it that this pathetic Stage 2 Medical Science subject seem to render me completely baffled, numbstruck, beaten to a pulp, outright stupid? I really do not get it. What is it about my brains that just doesn't seem to want to LEARN ANYTHING from this course?

Mental block? Perhaps. But even my mental blocks do not make me fail things. I do pass things. In all my years of bitching about Sejarah (History), and Geography, Biology, and Management 100, and Chemistry, I don't fail them. I always manage to scrape through.

But this, this leaves me defeated. And I don't like feeling defeated.

There's still a chance for me I guess. Lab reports and final exams. I could still pass this.

But really, God, please help me. I've never really prayed much in my life, and I am truly sorry I don't always believe in religion, but grant me the spirit and drive to just get through this paper so I can get my degree, please. I promise I'll do more charity, and reach out more to family and friends. I promise I will put this degree to the best use anyone possibly can. I have a vision, please help me get there.