2010

Like last year, I'm gonna sum up the things I managed to do in 2010.

If I thought being 23 wasn't all that fun, being 24 was pretty awesome. It started out extremely amazing, had a couple of lows in between the months, but it generally stayed quite cool throughout the year.

In 2010...

I started to train people on a freelance basis. My first client was Kenneth.

I went to 2 waterfalls

I went camping again

I won a grand from one night marathon in Putrajaya

I stayed with a Hong Kong family, ate heaps of fu qua, spoke more than 10 sentences of Cantonese in a day, and learned how to make buns

I bought a new car, crashed it, profited from insurance claims, and bought another car.

I did the Tongariro Alpine Crossing wearing cheap as $20 boots which almost severed my ankles

I got myself a tattoo

I hiked up Mount Ruapehu and experienced a snow blizzard, albeit a mini one

I got soaked in the rain and mud at the International Rainforest Music Festival in Miri, Sarawak

I failed my first university subject

I did another sprint triathlon after a 2 year long hiatus

I did 3 weeks of Bootcamp

I got a new phone and is now a big fan of the wonderful world of smart phones

I played fireworks on Guy Fawkes Day

I lived with 2 French girls, a German guy and a Japanese guy

I cooked dinner for 13 relatives who visited me in Auckland

I ran another marathon personal best!

I traveled to another country by myself and couch surfed!

I traveled around the South Island of New Zealand with my family and loved it

I bungy jumped from 134m above the ground!

I obtained my first major injury i.e. plantar fasciitis

I became a Bootcamp physical instructor

I got my picture up on the wall in a gym in Auckland

I learn to let go

The end of 2010 was marred by the break up. A year ago, I was falling madly in love again with the same boy I had been in love with for the past 3 years. Today, I love him no less. I am still learning to let go. I guess time will heal the wounds, and with a new year, comes a new breath of life. Let's hope 2011 brings me the happiness I seek.

Happy new year, peeps!

Laugh.

I had a pretty good day today.

Went for karaoke with Julie, Weng and Pei Jien and it was epic. It was the most fun I've had in a while. =)

Then I went for lamb burger with Jon, Gene and Seu Foong and it was good fun too. Laughed loads. =) Doesn't matter that this was the 3rd burger I've had this week.

Laugh. Today I laughed. Whole heartedly. :)

Yay!

I ran a whole 5 km today and didn't get a funky heel.

YAY!

Picking up the pieces

The biggest obstacle I seem to face these days is picking up the pieces of my broken heart, as drama-queen as that may sound. I don't know if it is somewhat psychological, but I almost don't want to recover and move on. I feel as if I want to stay here in my rut, wallow in pity, and cling on to memories I held so dearly for the past few years.

But recently I sat down and spoke to probably the wisest people in my life, the ones who know me inside and out, and understand me even when I sometimes think they don't - mum and dad. It was a long, heavy, emotion-stricken conversation, and I sobbed like I did when I was 5. But I woke up the next day feeling a whole lot better, albeit with puffy eyes.

Ever since then, I've felt lighter. I feel like I can finally be happy for the ones who are happy around me. I feel less jealous of them, and a little more accepting of my current status. I've also begun exercising again, which is really great for the soul. I guess you could say I'm smiling again. Sincerely.

It's exactly 2 months ago since that phone call. I still do think of him every day, wondering what he's up to, where he is, and how he's getting along. I still reminisce happy times. But I guess I am slowly starting accept things. What was it? Don't feel sad that it's over, be glad that you've had it at all? Something like that.

Yeah, I'm glad I met the boy. He gave me some of the best times of my life, and I'll never forget them. But we'll let chips fall where they may. =)

Progress.

Today I threw my trainers on, and went running. The blubber around my waist was getting in the way, and I decided I couldn't stand it anymore.

I went slow and steady, feeling for any pangs of pain from my left heel. To my surprise, it behaved for a good 4 km or so. I was almost back in my neighbourhood when it started to feel slightly tight again. So I slowed to a brisk walk just to be cautious.

But that's progress! So I'm quite happy about it. I can finally shed this holiday look and start toning my body up again.

I'm gonna walk into 2011 with my chin up. =)

Merry Christmas, peeps =)

It's Christmas Day.

I just got home from a friend's place. Got home a little bit earlier because I wanted to sleep a little bit earlier for Bootcamp tomorrow.

But I guess the silence got the better of me again.

It's Christmas Day. I started to send a message to a few friends online and they were all either away, on Skype with a boyfriend/girlfriend or waiting for their boyfriend/girlfriend to come home.

It sucks. I know I know, I should stop emoing. But it sucks.

I guess at some point I will get used to the idea of spending these special holidays on my own. As in, I could spend it with friends, but when they all go home, or leave with their significant others, I'm back to being alone again.

I think I'm just being jealous. I am jealous of the people out there who have boyfriends and girlfriends and fiancés. It's as simple as that. I am saddened by the fact that I came home to misery and emptiness. Yes I have friends, yes I have my family. But there is a void that remains unfilled so long as I yearned to be with him.

I still feel a little cheated...a little ripped off. I was looking forward to summer. I was looking forward to being held, to holding hands, to cuddles, to kisses, to road trips, to dates, to text messages and to late night phone calls. I was looking forward to a reunion. I still haven't quite accepted the fact that all of that is gone.

Oh well. Merry Christmas anyway. Hope you all have a much brighter one than I did.

I feel like running away.

Except that I can't run.

I feel like bawling my eyes out.

Except that I can't cry.

I feel like picking up the phone.

Except that I can't call you.

I can't call you. And therein lies my reason.

Spears

Ever since Hit Me Baby (One More Time) hit the stations back in 2000, I became a proud member of the Britney Spears fandom. I loved Britney. I memorized her music, I secretly practised her dance moves in my room, I even used her song "Sometimes" to send to a boy in high school to tell him to "wait for me". haha...it was quite funny because in return he sent me "November Rain" by Guns N Roses. Talk about tough love.

I am such a Britney fan that throughout her downhill descend in the pop music industry, I defended her and supported her music even louder. I remember thinking "Piece of Me" was such an awesome song! But my all time favourite Britney hit was Me Against the Music featuring Madonna. I loved the tune, I loved the words, and I was absolutely blown away by the dance in that video! I wanted sooooo badly to perform Me Against the Music in some event...any event! Like Leo Club installation/IU, Sports Day, some distant cousin's wedding? Anything! For a very long time I kept crashing my knees onto my bedroom floor, trying to nail that move she has in that video where it ended with a knee drop to the ground, and an arch backwards.

Watching the latest season Glee episode with the Britney theme, I went all Britney-fanatic again. I've been Youtubing music videos of Britney all over again, watching that Glee episode a million times a day and wishing I had my high school years back so I can go dance in some event. haha...

I guess Britney Spears may not be the best role model to teens, but she was a great inspiration to me. Her songs had always advocated confidence, feminism, and the strength to speak up and speak out.

I love Britney Spears. I think Glee made a good choice in reminding everyone about Britney. =)

Heal, heel!

I couldn't run my 12 km Malakoff run this morning because my heel played up at about half an hour into the race. sigh.

I really hope it gets well SOON!

Merry Christmas, Darling

Greeting cards have all been sent
The Christmas rush is through
But I still have one wish to make
A special one for you

Merry Christmas darling
We're apart that's true
But I can dream and in my dreams
I'm Christmas-ing with you

Holidays are joyful
There's always something new
But every day's a holiday
When I'm near to you
The lights on my tree
I wish you could see
I wish it every day
Logs on the fire
Fill me with desire
To see you and to say

That I wish you Merry Christmas
Happy New Year, too
I've just one wish
On this Christmas Eve
I wish I were with you

48 days

48 days ago, a phone call which came late in the night, completely shattered my heart.

48 days is more than a month. Yet I feel like I haven't had time to properly grieve. At first, I cried all that night and all the next day. Then I summoned the strength to take on my final exams. Which I managed to score an A-, a B+, a B and a B- for, which was surprising, but I'm grateful that I pulled through. Then I didn't really allow myself to cry anymore. I spent every day filling my time with things to do, and packing, and psyching myself up for my big inaugural couch surfing experience and then the next thing I knew I was on a holiday and my parents and brother were with me.

To be honest, I thought I was handling the situation pretty well. I laughed heaps with my friends and my family. I took many smiling pictures and enjoyed my mini adventure. I took in the mountains and the lakes and the ice wholeheartedly and didn't waste a drop of tear throughout the whole trip. I did think about it whenever I was alone, every now and then, but company was never too far away so I guess a diversion was easy to come by. I thought by the end of it, my wounds would've healed and I would've been strong enough to face coming back here with the knowledge that things are going to be a whole lot different.

I guess I'm not as strong as I'd like to be. Ever since I've gotten back here, I am silenced by every familiar place. My laughter stifled by every familiar song. My breathing suffocated by every time I drive by the roads that lead to his house. I crumble at the sight objects given to me by him. My throat tightens at the sight of photos. And I just cannot seem to surface from it all.

And I want what every person who goes through a break up wants. I want to emerge victorious. I want to appear stronger, more confident, and well on my way to moving on. I know of friends of mine who would shake their heads when they read this post of mine, because it just means I'm letting him win. Well the truth is, if he does read this, I couldn't really care less.

I am broken. Yes I want to get better. But I feel like I have just started to look at my wounds, and check out the severity of the situation. I have only just realised how much it hurts. And the anaesthesia have long worn off.

I was very much in love for the past 3 years. I was head over heels, blinded, star struck, out of this world, insanely in love with a boy. He was the apple of my eye. And even though our journey wasn't always smooth, I never stopped loving him. I've had some pretty amazing times with him, and even if focusing on the horrible times may help me to move on, I can't help but remember all of the sweetest of days.

I don't know how long I will take to recover. I guess when One Tree Hill episodes stop making me cry, when Vienna Teng stops sounding like knives, when Thursday nights stop making me go "it's Thursday night", when the 20th of every month stop making me feel like going to a shooting range, when his pictures on Facebook stop making me hold my breath, when the mud stains on my bag stop making me think of the Rainforest Music Festival and when I can finally say I'm ok with Vietnam, that's when I know I am on my way to loving somebody else.

But for now, I long to see him, to hear his voice, to hear him say everything can go back to normal. Even though I know it would not. I long for a miracle to happen. I might even start believing in Santa.

Freak

I sometimes wonder if there is something wrong with me socially. Because, there I was at Zouk last night, dancing with 2 of my bestest friends in the world, and I still could not comprehend what attracts people to clubs.

Everything about clubs spell sin. I know I'm being such a prude, but I really don't know why I'd go to a club to subject myself to massive amounts of second hand smoke, disgusting intoxicated drunkards with octopus hands, gross toilets, the paranoia that my wallet/mobile would be nicked, the paranoia that if I stood alone I'd be approached by unwanted people, and did i mention the vile, pungent smell of second hand smoke in my hair and clothes and everything?

But I have not found another soul who seems to share my opinions. I have not found another person who is about my age, who's been through the same education system I went through, who is generally sociable and extroverted and not a complete nerd/geek/introvert, who seems to despise clubbing as much as I do. All my friends seem to like it. Or be okay with it. Why?

Does that make me kind of a freak? Every time I tell someone I don't club the conversation goes like this:

A: You don't club? Serious?

Me: Yea, I don't really like it. Not really my most comfortable zone in the world.

A: Yeah, I know what you mean. Nowadays I also don't club that often. Getting old/no time/too many young people in the club...

Me: Nah I've never really clubbed. Not even after high school. This is like my 3rd time here in my entire life.

A: O.o

I think when people hear that coming from my mouth, I get labelled prude immediately. And that kinda makes me NOT want to go to clubs even more. Because in the club, I am by far the LEAST coolest person in the room and that...is just sad.

Last night, probably under the influence of alcohol, my self esteem took a dive to the hell below. I felt uncool, unattractive, uncoordinated, awkward in my dress and heels, unappreciated, and unwanted. I thought to myself "Who would want to date you, prude! You don't club? That's damn uncool. You're dragged to the middle of the dance floor and all you can worry about is someone groping you in the dark? What a loser! No wonder you got dumped! You're no fun at all!" (Yes I realize I can be pretty damn harsh to myself). But I couldn't help it. All I could think of was how uncool and conservative I am. And how he is such a social butterfly, fluttering amongst different clicks, he's got money, he's got moves, he's got wit and charm. And he could've been the worst to me, people still laughed, and danced and bloody smoked with him like he was their best chum. I kept picturing him there. Dancing. Laughing. And then I looked at my two best friends having a ball of a time. EVERYONE was having a blast. In that scenario, I was the different one. I was the only one with a frown on my face. In that scenario, the world could be divided into 2, the cool happy people to which both my best friends and him belong to, and the uncool and very uncomfortable people to which only I belong to.

I suddenly felt how unfair the world was. How people are constantly on pretense, putting on facades to others. How so many people gave up trying to be themselves anymore because it was just way easier to be someone other people could hang with.

Now, may I remind you that I had a few drinks and let's just say I was not really in my best emotional state. So all this melodrama just came crashing down on me in spite of the loud pumping music and the party vibe which surrounded me.

I am an outcast in a club. And I will ALWAYS be an outcast in a club. No matter how many chances I give it, the club is not my most comfortable setting in the world. When I am in there, I feel at my lowest. And that's not very pleasant.

Power.

I have a tattoo on my left ankle. It reads Kia Kaha, and it means Be Strong in Maori.

I got it because I wanted something to remind me to be strong. New Zealand was more than just an overseas education experience for me. There were many times where my walls caved in around me, and all that I wished for from the universe was a pair of ruby red shoes to bring me home.

Power is something I see in everyone. Some people let it shine, some people struggle to find it from within.

Power is in my brother's heart and soul, as he finished his 3rd Ironman on Sunday.

Power is in my brother's mind, as he stood on the ledge at the Nevis Highwire Bungy, trying to calm the roaring fear of heights he's got.

Power is in my dad's spirit, as he relentlessly, wakes up to run every single day with full discipline.

Power is in my mom's heart, for all that she does for every member of my family, day after night after day after night.

Power is something I constantly seek. I may not be an outright feminist, but I strive to be as powerful as I can be. I seek strength to satisfy my thirst for winning, to lift my chin up in the face of a heartbreak, to emblazon my words to inspire others to want to be powerful too.

It's amazing how being an instructor and a personal trainer gives me the ability to channel power. I took a spin class by myself the week I finished my exams in Auckland. I have never been able to fully complete an RPM class following the instructor's resistance and not backing down. I always had to turn the dial down at some point in the class. But that day I took a 50 minute spin class, yelled my lungs out at the members of my class, pumped my quads and hams till they were numb, and felt power surge through my veins.

Yesterday I started at Rebel Bootcamp in Subang Jaya and I saw power. I've instructed and trained quite a number of people and group classes. And they never cease to let me down. I saw power in the faces of those who gave it their all. I saw power in the people whom I know was fighting every temptation to give up, to quit...yet they could squeeze in one more push up. And another. And another.

I love seeing that. Seeing people dig deep, and finding power within themselves. I love it more than anything in the world.

Lately, though, I have been finding it a little harder to harness my own inner strength and power. I am broken. I have been for a while. Like having dying batteries, I shine my brightest smile in front of everyone, then flicker and dim when I'm alone. I try to keep my chin up, immerse myself among people, let loose, enjoy, have fun. It. isn't. really. working.

I seek the power to forget you. I sure hope I find it.