emotions

most people think i'm tough. i don't blame them. it's a front i work very hard to put on - Girls are strong, women are as good as men, tough independent female yadda yadda...

truth is, i can be an emotional wreck. sure i dont cry at the movies, nor when my friends threw me a gigantic surprise party. i don't sob at farewells or at graduation days. and i most definitely do not cry over heartbreaks and boys. these things just don't make tears roll down my cheeks.

but i'm emotionally weak. i cave under immense pressure. like the time Fitness First decides to tell me that they haven't a clue what i was talking about when i phoned them on the day they were supposed to come and give a group x work out. i was this close to bawling my eyes out right there in the student department in front of all my friends. thank God for deep breathing.

and i have little drive and will power. like the countless of times i went to sleep with plans to work out in the morning, only to snooze my alarm 3 or more times before deciding to just switch it off and sleep in. like the countless of times i give up halfway just because something went wrong and i already don't like how it's going to end up.

and i always always always avoid confrontation. if i were unhappy with someone, i'd avoid having to deal with that person. i don't like sticky situations, so the less complicated things get the better, even if i end up on the losing end. i make a terrible salesperson because buyers can manipulate me easily.

and i was a cry baby growing up. i'd cry when i forget a routine at my gimrama competitions. i'd cry when i think my family doesn't understand me. i'd cry when i get a terrible haircut even. i'd cry at little petty things and drive my entire family up the wall because of my endless laments and unreasonable demands.

but i've come a long way from that person i used to be. there are times when i was proud of myself. like how i am pleasantly calm and collected about my disappointing 15km run yesterday morning. or how i no longer slam doors and throw fists when i screw up a performance. i've learned to laugh along with others when being laughed at. or how i have endured 3 years (almost) of business studies against my will. to be honest, i still don't enjoy the subjects i study, but i'm starting to see the benefits of it. and i love the friends i've found. :)

so in many ways i am still naive and immature, but in more ways than 1, i am more mature. i'm yet to find a movie that would make me cry though. and a guy that would too. haha...