Life and death.

I attended a funeral service yesterday for a good friend of mine who had just lost his father. I was slightly hesitant at first because the last time I attended a funeral service, I got really affected emotionally and I ended up not being able to sleep the entire night, with shivers of fear going down my spine. Whoa, right? I know.

Anyway, last night I went with some friends and while listening to the eulogies given by this man's family and friends, it occurred to me how little I know about my friend. I couldn't help but feel ashamed, for we've known each other for over 6 years and I couldn't even tell how many siblings he had, and whether he was the eldest, the middle or the youngest in the family. And while the pastor was talking about Death being a destination, and how you should live life well so that when you pass on, your life can be celebrated, I couldn't help but think to myself if I am doing what I can to live my life well. I don't even have a hectic schedule, nor any status or celebrity, yet I couldn't even name the number of siblings my friend had. Who am I?

I think it's so easy to get caught up in the race of life, even for someone like me who is not climbing the corporate ladder. It's just human nature, or should I say Asian nature, to chase wealth and success and keep up with the Joneses. So often I feel the pressure to buy a new car, just because my friend did, or buy a house, just because this person did...I keep thinking "we're the same age! And she's not even living at home any more!" and stuff like that. But there's so much more to life, as clichéd as it may sound. There really is. I don't even know why I have like a gazillion friends, yet I find myself not making any plans on a Friday night. I'd much rather curl up in my bed watching old episodes of Friends. Why? I use to crave social meet ups and hangout spots. But I feel like I am no more interested. And I don't know why.

Hmm...maybe I am rambling a little off topic here. But I think initiative is key. I do not take the initiative to keep in touch with my friends, to visit my relatives, to spend time with people I love and care about. And I'm only friggin' 26 with a lame entry level salary! I'm not even anyone rich and famous!

So coming back home last night, I thought to myself, that I need to take more initiative. I need to step out more, do more, care more. I need to live well and make my time on Earth matter.

Annoyed.

I'm a little upset with myself. I overslept, didn't hear my alarm, and missed an RBC session. That's $$$ down the drain because I didn't hear the damn alarm. This isn't the first time this month, I overslept twice, although I made it JUST in time the past two times, today being the first time I completely miss it. And I don't know why. I've been so good throughout the year. But I know that I have no one else but myself to blame. And I also know that whining about it isn't going to make things any better, and it damn well isn't going to solve anything. So...-end rant-.

To try redeeming myself I went out for a run and started thinking. I need a more sustainable income. I love what I do, and I love the freedom of having my own flexi hours. But whenever I fall sick, or want to go on a holiday or an emergency happens, I am losing out on quite a lot of income and that is not good. I wish I have some sort of sick leave or something.

And so I think it's time I start making some big decisions. I've accumulated an okay amount of savings over the past year. I think it's time I park some of it somewhere where I can generate more money. Otherwise I'll never get rich. Time to start making some real money, Karen.

Sick again.

There is something very wrong with my immune system. I'm sick again. For the umpteenth time this year. I swear, if I actually counted, I'd scare myself. Shouldn't I be really fit and strong and healthy? Shouldn't I fall sick much less than people who do not regularly exercise? Urgh. Not fair I tell you.

And because every time I fall sick and fail to go to work, I lose out on income. I need to find other means of income or else I'm gonna lose it one day.

I was thinking about my big dream to own my own place next time. My own community health centre. And the more I thought about it, the more I think I don't have the experience, or the knowledge or the network to start building my own business yet. I think about the people I work for, they all succeed because of their many many many years in the industry. They know their stuff.

I need to get there someday. I'd better have one solid idea for my business then.

meh.

I sometimes get little sparks of ideas which make me go, "OMG I got it! It's gonna be huge!". And I really wish I have the drive to follow those ideas and make them a reality. But then the rational part of my brain takes over and I start to think (which is a dream killer). I need more drive in me.

I haven't been running on my own in ages. I don't know why. I've kinda lost the mood to run. It's just whenever I find the time to run, it would be a decision I'd have to make between run and sleep. Sleep always trumps run. I think I love to sleep more than I love to run now. Oh, shoot me please.

I cannot wait for the school holidays. I've cut my school time down to only 2 days! And I've only got 3 more weeks of it. That's only 6 days! Why, oh why, do I feel so restless?!

The Auckland Marathon was last weekend and a few of my friends did really well! I wish I was there with them. It would've been my 3rd Auckland Marathon. I wonder if I can still run marathons any more. Maybe I totally suck at them now. *eek*

I'm being completely and utterly random tonight BECAUSE...(I think) Gary's coming home tomorrow morning and I'm so excited to see him that I cannot sleep. And I'm dreading the amount of work hours I have to go through before I get to meet him tomorrow night. Meh.

Miss.

I'm so pathetic. G's been gone for 10 days now and I really miss him. And I used to survive LDRs. Well, actually I didn't survive them that well, but I still kinda did! Urgh.

I guess this is another one of those tests to see just how much this boy means to me. I was listening to that women's station again and they were talking about that moment when you find out that he's the one. And it could be as simple as he orders your favourite food for you, and you look at him and then *BAM* it's him! He's the one! You know? I don't know if everyone goes through a moment like that, but I think right now for me, many little moments add up. Moments that make me go, wow, I really really like this guy. This is one of them.

I have taken a few wrong turns while I'm driving out for work because I would subconsciously drive in the direction of his house, and then I'd snap out of it and start cursing myself.

I have also found it incredibly tough to fall asleep some nights because I didn't get to talk to him, because he calls me every night to talk to me.

I have also found myself going "Ooh G will love this!" in my head when I come across a food or song or just random things.

I got it bad, don't I?

And it's October

Can you believe it? Gosh, the time!!

I spent the entire day today lounging around. Which isn't good, because when I don't do anything it means I don't earn anything. I've just gotten myself 2 days off from teaching in the school so I can focus more on Personal Training. But while I was able to make a couple of those materialise, I still need to work on getting more clients in during the day. Housewives and Aunties where are you?

I've been so busy for so long that when I finally got a day of doing nothing (Gary's in the States, hence I've been free), I found myself indulging in old episodes of Friends and getting emotional about Ross and Rachel. And then I decided to take a nap and that nap went on for 2 hours. Well, in my defence I did get up at 5 am this morning and slept at 12 last night and had a killer weekend. So I think I was just having a little down time. Rewind. Recharge. That jazz.

I tried to write something for my fitness site but nothing came to mind! In fact for the longest time, I haven't had any idea what to write about. I remember having a clue sometime back but I didn't have the time to sit down and do the research then. Today, I wish I had jotted that idea down somewhere. Geez.

Something hit me over the weekend. I realised that I am probably at my strongest, fittest form, ever. I ran 10km in 50 minutes. I look at myself in the mirror and I have to say I'm quite happy about how I'm looking. Friends are telling me that I look extremely fit from the photos they see on Facebook. I think I should take this opportunity to do something great! You know, before I go over the hill. And so, sitting down at a mamak after cycling 33kms with some friends, sipping teh c ais, and having my roti with 2 telur, I decided, I'm gonna do an IronMan. By hook or by crook, I'm going to achieve an IronMan before I hit 30. So, there.

And while I'm at it, why not do more things? Buy a property, join a gym and do RPM again, take vocal lessons. So much I want to do!

I really need to make more money.