meh.

I sometimes get little sparks of ideas which make me go, "OMG I got it! It's gonna be huge!". And I really wish I have the drive to follow those ideas and make them a reality. But then the rational part of my brain takes over and I start to think (which is a dream killer). I need more drive in me.

I haven't been running on my own in ages. I don't know why. I've kinda lost the mood to run. It's just whenever I find the time to run, it would be a decision I'd have to make between run and sleep. Sleep always trumps run. I think I love to sleep more than I love to run now. Oh, shoot me please.

I cannot wait for the school holidays. I've cut my school time down to only 2 days! And I've only got 3 more weeks of it. That's only 6 days! Why, oh why, do I feel so restless?!

The Auckland Marathon was last weekend and a few of my friends did really well! I wish I was there with them. It would've been my 3rd Auckland Marathon. I wonder if I can still run marathons any more. Maybe I totally suck at them now. *eek*

I'm being completely and utterly random tonight BECAUSE...(I think) Gary's coming home tomorrow morning and I'm so excited to see him that I cannot sleep. And I'm dreading the amount of work hours I have to go through before I get to meet him tomorrow night. Meh.

Miss.

I'm so pathetic. G's been gone for 10 days now and I really miss him. And I used to survive LDRs. Well, actually I didn't survive them that well, but I still kinda did! Urgh.

I guess this is another one of those tests to see just how much this boy means to me. I was listening to that women's station again and they were talking about that moment when you find out that he's the one. And it could be as simple as he orders your favourite food for you, and you look at him and then *BAM* it's him! He's the one! You know? I don't know if everyone goes through a moment like that, but I think right now for me, many little moments add up. Moments that make me go, wow, I really really like this guy. This is one of them.

I have taken a few wrong turns while I'm driving out for work because I would subconsciously drive in the direction of his house, and then I'd snap out of it and start cursing myself.

I have also found it incredibly tough to fall asleep some nights because I didn't get to talk to him, because he calls me every night to talk to me.

I have also found myself going "Ooh G will love this!" in my head when I come across a food or song or just random things.

I got it bad, don't I?

And it's October

Can you believe it? Gosh, the time!!

I spent the entire day today lounging around. Which isn't good, because when I don't do anything it means I don't earn anything. I've just gotten myself 2 days off from teaching in the school so I can focus more on Personal Training. But while I was able to make a couple of those materialise, I still need to work on getting more clients in during the day. Housewives and Aunties where are you?

I've been so busy for so long that when I finally got a day of doing nothing (Gary's in the States, hence I've been free), I found myself indulging in old episodes of Friends and getting emotional about Ross and Rachel. And then I decided to take a nap and that nap went on for 2 hours. Well, in my defence I did get up at 5 am this morning and slept at 12 last night and had a killer weekend. So I think I was just having a little down time. Rewind. Recharge. That jazz.

I tried to write something for my fitness site but nothing came to mind! In fact for the longest time, I haven't had any idea what to write about. I remember having a clue sometime back but I didn't have the time to sit down and do the research then. Today, I wish I had jotted that idea down somewhere. Geez.

Something hit me over the weekend. I realised that I am probably at my strongest, fittest form, ever. I ran 10km in 50 minutes. I look at myself in the mirror and I have to say I'm quite happy about how I'm looking. Friends are telling me that I look extremely fit from the photos they see on Facebook. I think I should take this opportunity to do something great! You know, before I go over the hill. And so, sitting down at a mamak after cycling 33kms with some friends, sipping teh c ais, and having my roti with 2 telur, I decided, I'm gonna do an IronMan. By hook or by crook, I'm going to achieve an IronMan before I hit 30. So, there.

And while I'm at it, why not do more things? Buy a property, join a gym and do RPM again, take vocal lessons. So much I want to do!

I really need to make more money.

Can I?

Things are moving pretty quickly for me, career wise. I've been working full time just over a year and in that short period of time I've managed to get myself into many MANY things. It's quite a thrill, mainly because I have envisioned all of this for myself, but living it makes it feel all the more extravagant.

But yet I seem to doubt myself quite often. "Can I?" is something I find myself asking over and over again, even when I have made a promise to myself to always take that leap of faith because doing so has granted me so much in the past. I am a leaper. I leap. Always have been, always will be (hopefully). I sometimes think Disney has ruined me, making me a dreamer, an idealist. I live for fairytale, dreams come true, and happily ever afters. But because society in real life as I've come to know, is quite the opposite, so while I have these vivid visions of my future, I still wonder "Can I?".

On a separate note, I realised that, evident from this blog, I think about my career a LOT. If it's not this, than it's about love & marriage, but still, most of the time I think about my career and where I am heading.  I don't know if people still enjoy reading this blog, or has it become quite boring. Meh.

Of proposals and weddings

No, not mine. Everybody else's. (wah sound so bitter).

I've been surrounded with news of engagements and tying the knots and gorgeous wedding dresses and locations for wedding shoots and so on. It really touches the heart seeing everyone finding true love and meeting their soulmate and all. I mean, as you already know, I'm a big, fat, hopelessly romantic goon who believe in the sanctity of "till death do us part", and having that one person made for you for eternity. (Now I hope Gary doesn't read this because he may get scared off).

Recently I've been hearing of engagements and weddings of people that I used to know quite well. People who were "friend-in-laws" in my ex relationship. And although that is done and dusted, and I've found myself someone truly worth loving, I can't help but feel slightly nudged in the ribs whenever I see news of these people tying the knot. I guess it just kind of reminds me that at one point in time, not too long ago, we were probably all hanging out at a kopitiam or a mamak together, some of them single at that point, some of them just found each other, and I was with the ex at that time and it just all seem so...I don't know...surreal, now that I have tried so hard to bury that past behind me. All these news just kinda bring up some old memories again.

The fact that I'm 26 and not getting any younger, and that one of my best friends is getting married in March next year, and that I've like a gazillion wedding invites all year long, just makes me a little antsy about the topic of marriage. I'll be very honest. I do really want to get married. But I also know that I've only been in this current relationship for barely a year, so I don't feel like thinking about whether this is the one right now and all that mumbo jumbo. I mean I love G very much. But for the time being, I just wanna leave it at that. Am I making any sense? I suddenly feel like I am Bridget Jones.

Anyway. The point is, I love it all. The stories, the strategy different guys adopt to propose to their girlfriends, the planning of the wedding, the photoshoot, the wedding dresses, the bridal party. I love weddings. And I eagerly anticipate my turn because I don't care who my husband turns out to be, but my wedding day is gonna be epic. =) Do I sound like I'm going crazy?

366 days and a bit

It's been 369 days since I touched down in Malaysia, armed with a new degree and raring to go into  life. I can't believe how fast time has flown. I was on BFM today and they asked me a lot of questions like "Why fitness?" and "How did you get here?" as if I have been "here" for so long. And I felt like I had so much to share as well, but at the same time I couldn't help but wonder if my words can really inspire others out there. I mean, who am I but just another 26 year old girl, fresh out in the working world. It's like Justin Bieber and his biographic movie. He's not even been in this world as long as I have, and they make a movie about him? haha...those were my thoughts anyway.

In the one year that I came home for good I have achieved so much that it feels more than just one year. Work has, of course, been the main focus of my life these past 12 months, and it has been an adventure to say the least. I still think I have a very long way to go to be at par with those I have a lot of admiration for. But it's ok, it is a journey I look forward to embarking on. :)

And I've found love. I think I'm really lucky to have found this one because he makes me happy. These past few months with him have been refreshing and inspiring because he truly allows me to be myself around him. Especially at this point of my life, where every day is a journey of self discovery for me, this boy encourages me to speak my mind, talk to him, let him help me work through life's daily obstacles and discover myself a little bit every day and I cannot thank him enough. I hope I can do the same for him. Much love. :)

I guess I realise today during the interview on air that I'm a big girl now. I need to start looking through the eyes of a grown up woman and take things more seriously. In life, in love, in relationships with the people around me.