March

Hello again. If you still read my blog, I say thank you very much, and sorry for the very very very infrequent postings. I have obviously too much on my plate right now, and also a fading interest in typing out my personal thoughts. I think I am becoming cold and hollow inside, like everyone else in this age of technology. Because we can create an emotion whenever and wherever we like these days. Want to laugh - go read 9Gag. Want to cry - just listen to the news. Want to feel jealous - scroll down your FB news feed. Want to b*tch about people - do the same. Everything feels superficial, man-made. Nothing ever comes from the heart any more.

I feel like that these days. I feel like my daily mission nowadays is nothing more than "Make more money". I have become one of those people who do their accounts every month end, gasp in disbelief, start to freak out, frantically try to piece together a new plan to save money and make more money simultaneously, and the whole thing repeats itself in a monthly cycle. Fast fading is my passion for sport and outdoor enjoyment.

Training sessions which were once fun things for me to do during the weekend have now become a thing I dread but know I have to execute. It has become "homework". I hate homework. I hate school and academics and anything that forces me to do things I do not like to do. I am starting to get cranky whenever people take sport so seriously. Especially the poor boyfie, who has done no wrong except to want to train and take his sport seriously. That, for some stupid reason, makes me feel like I am not taking things seriously enough and that annoys me. Because from the very get go, I never take my sport this seriously. It was always just an avenue to sweat, burn calories, make friends, go really fast and feel the wind in my hair, and that's it! I never really aimed to better my time, to correct my stroke, to reduce my inefficiencies. I never wanted to play this seriously but somehow, somewhere, sometime ago I got caught in the hype of it all. The kiasuness is intolerable. I have done the bike route of my Putrajaya IM TWICE! My inner hipster triathlete is going Whuuuuuuuttttt?!! Since when, in my 15 years of athleticism, have I ever checked out the route prior to race day. Like NEVER!

But I cannot blame anybody but myself. I am conflicted. On one hand, I have my business, which is my baby at the moment. My top priority. Every decision I make, and everything I do this year have got to do with growing my business. I am dealing with emails, and phone calls, and furniture, and fitness articles and programs and running clinics, and corporate companies, and locksmiths and so many many many things that I am so so so worn out by the end of the day. Mustering the strength to do a 90km bike ride on a Saturday morning just sounds unappealing as it is, what more if I have to go and struggle to keep up with my boyfriend and his friends. My ego has never been stretched this thin. Yet, on the other hand, I know that somewhere deep inside of me I am still that person who wants to succeed. I want to be able to race on 13th of April, and emerge victorious. I'm not looking to win top 3, but I would be extremely disappointed if I failed to complete this race. This damn race which costs me 250 USD.

Why did I sign up for this race? For reasons I still cannot fathom, I signed myself up for a RM650 race. Who the hell spends that sort of money on a damn hobby and then not train for it? Again, it boils back down to money. Or the lack thereof.

Urgh, the pressure! The stress! The regret! I feel it every single day as the day draws closer. What is wrong with me?

And then we have 1 year.

I have been back to Malaysia for more than 2 years now. But officially, my company Kia Kaha Fitness was registered on this day, 5th of September, 1 year ago. =)

Confused rant few days ago aside, I actually am feeling pretty blessed. To have been given this opportunity to blossom as an Entrepreneur. To learn the tricks of the trade, stand on my own two feet, make my own decisions and call my own shots. To meet the many wonderful people that have made me feel so happy to be Karen Siah, Personal trainer and Fitness Instructor, as well as those who showed me the ways to better myself in every way.

I have endless gratitude to my parents and brothers, for without them many of my endeavours would have stopped short. I thank them for every single time they have egged me on. To my boyfriend and all my friends who have put up with my first few training sessions (while having a lack of experience), for those who signed up with me and went through my arduous sessions, I truly appreciate your support =) ALso thanks a million for the recommendations that you have sent my way. I hope to repay you with coffee, pints of Guiness or dinner as often as possible =)

1 year is a milestone, but most definitely nothing to shout about. The journey is just starting and I intend to make it a long and joy-filled one, with many a food for the soul and many a time for laughter :)

Today is about me.

In the past couple of weeks I feel like my life has been given new meaning. I have been working on a new project with a new company I now work part time for, and we've been visiting schools. The gist of it is we design programs to encourage kids to run and be active. For every session I was given a mic, I went up on stage, I provided information, I made them cheer, I jumped, I ran, I yelled, and I inspired. You may wonder how I know if I had inspired those school kids. I know. It was blatantly obvious. The way they laughed, the way they cheered, the way they lined up to take pictures with me. I saw the photos they posted up on Instagram. There's even a #karen now. It may just be that they liked me because I was a girl decked top to toe in Nike apparel. It may just be because I represented Nike, a brand that is not their school. Whatever. I made an impact. It was satisfying.

It's funny how kids will want anything to do with an outside glamorous brand and nothing to do with their school. I am the same Teacher Karen that taught the same kind of kids in the school I was with before. Yet just putting on some branded clothes and slap on a cordless mic and suddenly I'm way better than I was before to these kids. Funny.

That's just one part of my life that has changed. I have also been doing many things for myself lately. I have been putting my mind into a project with a corporate company that's about to launch next week. Everything from dealing with security forms, to invoicing, to creating my own letterhead, even interviewing my first new assistant, are all new to me. And I did it. It's an amazing feeling knowing that everything is under my own control. I have the final say. Everything starts and ends with me. I can make or break this deal. Some people may find this a bit daunting, but I am relishing every bit of it. I feel like my dream is beginning to unfold. I am finally about to step into the arena, representing nobody else, but me.

I may have become a narcissist, but I have never been more proud of myself. I feel alive. I wake up every morning with a strong purpose. My life right now, is about me. Everything else can take second place right now.

*cue* Defying gravity.

:)

And it's gonna be March

Time really does fly.

Recently I made a decision to quit a job I have been doing for over a year for a new job....for less money. Why? Several reasons. The old job was getting a bit tiresome and I wasn't sure if my knowledge and skills were appreciated or made an impact on anyone's lives. It was also a little regimented, in that, I have to work my vacations around school holidays and I always had to find a replacement last minute if I am unwell, which is both a chore and loses me money. The new job is exciting, it's something I've never dabbled in before, and it will pay me a consistent basic salary. Which is good, except that it's very little in comparison to what I was getting before.

I'm enjoying it so far now. My life has definitely taken on a new spin since I started this new job and it's refreshing. But I think I'll start missing the money though. I kinda wish the new job would pay me a bit more, but I've spoken to the boss and he said no can do, so I guess whatever it lacks in financial gratification will be made up with experience. It's a contract till December only though so I figured I'd give it a shot till the end of the year.

In the meantime I am hoping to get more PT clients during the evenings or mornings. I hope that the new job timetable wouldn't hinder that schedule too much.

I don't know. Feeling a little unsure about this new arrangement, but I guess it's all part of experience no?

Annoyed.

I'm a little upset with myself. I overslept, didn't hear my alarm, and missed an RBC session. That's $$$ down the drain because I didn't hear the damn alarm. This isn't the first time this month, I overslept twice, although I made it JUST in time the past two times, today being the first time I completely miss it. And I don't know why. I've been so good throughout the year. But I know that I have no one else but myself to blame. And I also know that whining about it isn't going to make things any better, and it damn well isn't going to solve anything. So...-end rant-.

To try redeeming myself I went out for a run and started thinking. I need a more sustainable income. I love what I do, and I love the freedom of having my own flexi hours. But whenever I fall sick, or want to go on a holiday or an emergency happens, I am losing out on quite a lot of income and that is not good. I wish I have some sort of sick leave or something.

And so I think it's time I start making some big decisions. I've accumulated an okay amount of savings over the past year. I think it's time I park some of it somewhere where I can generate more money. Otherwise I'll never get rich. Time to start making some real money, Karen.

Can I?

Things are moving pretty quickly for me, career wise. I've been working full time just over a year and in that short period of time I've managed to get myself into many MANY things. It's quite a thrill, mainly because I have envisioned all of this for myself, but living it makes it feel all the more extravagant.

But yet I seem to doubt myself quite often. "Can I?" is something I find myself asking over and over again, even when I have made a promise to myself to always take that leap of faith because doing so has granted me so much in the past. I am a leaper. I leap. Always have been, always will be (hopefully). I sometimes think Disney has ruined me, making me a dreamer, an idealist. I live for fairytale, dreams come true, and happily ever afters. But because society in real life as I've come to know, is quite the opposite, so while I have these vivid visions of my future, I still wonder "Can I?".

On a separate note, I realised that, evident from this blog, I think about my career a LOT. If it's not this, than it's about love & marriage, but still, most of the time I think about my career and where I am heading.  I don't know if people still enjoy reading this blog, or has it become quite boring. Meh.

Hello.

My last post was a month ago. And I am surprised that my weekly site meter tells me that I still have about 17 unique followers. So to these 17 unique people, I thank you very much. I will try my best not to let this page die and to continue to provide you loyal people with rantings or depiction of my awesome life. =)

Life has not really been that awesome. Haha...or maybe it has been too awesome, such that I no longer have time to pen a few things down here. Hmm. I lie. Life, has been starting to plateau as the thrills and excitement of my homecoming and starting my job and learning about this new phase of life I entered are all now starting to settle down. I still love my job, and I still meet new people every now and then, but that rapid fire pace at the beginning is now a slow and steady fortnightly thing i.e. the meeting new people part.

Updates...updates. OH! I turned 26!!! And how did it go? Pretty good actually, though nothing like I had expected. At the end of my birthday last year, I said I was going to celebrate my birthday with a BANG this year, because I will be back home and surrounded by friends and family that I love. I didn't. It was a pretty quiet affair, but I did spend it with Gary and he made it pretty special. =) I had a somewhat early night because I needed to study for my Japanese exam the next day (which I failed, so on hindsight I probably should've just hung out with Gary all night and make a fiesta out of it).

Turning 26 was supposed to be a big thing for me. When I was in high school, I had envisioned myself being married by 26. So when I was left single 2 years ago I kinda knew I'm never going to be married by 26. It bummed me out a little when I see friends my age getting married. Ju laughed and kept saying "The only person who really wants to get married among us is Karen". I don't know, I like the idea of Till death do us part. I guess I'm very much a Ted Mosby. Ha!

Another update (coincidentally about marriage too) is that one of my best friends, Lyn got engaged! I'm so happy for her! I'm still trying to let the news sink in. That this girl, who used to stay over at mine, who went shopping with me and write me letters, and even planned to wear identical clothes, is getting married next year. Pretty epic. And a little scary at the same time because I can't help but wonder what will happen once she's married. As it is right now it's so hard to meet up with one another, I have a feeling it's going to be harder next time. I guess that's just life. *shrug*

I've also decided that I'll be a little more dedicated to the company that has helped me grow as a Fitness Instructor - Rebel. It has given me so much to learn from and to master and to just enjoy the ride that I barely felt any negative stress from work at all. Sure there were stressful times, but never negative vibes. Everything has been an awesome learning process and I think I'm turning out just the way I had hoped.

And life with a boyfriend is lovely. I'm in a really good relationship, where we both have a balanced, healthy life between work and play. I find that I can learn to prioritise more than one thing at a go, that is my family, my loves, and my work. They are all important to me. I didn't go all high school giddy headed and neglected my other aspects of life, and I find that our relationship is very healthy. Literally. The dude works out with me when we can, and it's really nice to have someone motivate me to work out just as hard as he does. =) Aahh.. ♥

I think I'm happy. Yea, I am. =)

Up to my frickin' eyes.

I have been working as a full time personal trainer/fitness instructor/high school PE teacher for about 7 months now. And I know that most people are still under the impression that I don't really DO work. As in my work is more like fun, hence it's not really working. I agree, to a certain extend. I love my job, it's what I dreamt about.

But I am so.darn.tired. I am constantly, constantly going to bed at night, feeling like I've had my batteries kicked out of me. I lie my head down on my pillow and there is that moment of pure relief, that feeling of blood finally being able to flow slowly back into my brains, feeling the weight finally easing away from my feet, feeling my muscles finally able to just relax and not contract any more. Every.single.night. I mean, I am up to my frickin' eyes with clients to train, kids to teach, 5 am mornings to wake up to, programs to write and read, miles to log for my poor deprived marathon legs, and just life to live. It's just a taaaaadddd worried that I'm running myself into the ground. I used to say I'd love to go to bed every night, feeling completely and utterly drained.

I take that back.

My client's dad commented today that I am all puffy eyed and tired looking. He said "Be careful, don't burn yourself out." I think I should start taking heed.

But I just have to say, that apart from awfully tired bones and eyes, MAN, do I LOVE my life! :)

Happiness

Hello! Really haven't been good with this whole blogging thing seeing that my last post was about 3 weeks ago. Gosh, Karen, what have u been so damned busy with?

Ok. Ohp-daytes!

So I've been making a conscious effort to train more. When I say train more, I actually mean actually train, literally. Because I used to not train, ever. Well...in Auckland, I trained quite a bit, but that was Auckland, what else was I gonna do there? But yeah, I've been doing well with logging in about 3 runs per week, and seeing a steady progress in my running pace. I've also carried on with strength training just to *ahem* keep in shape and actually look like a Personal Trainer. This I manage to do about 2 sessions per week. So yeah, pretty good stuff, looking forward to keeping this up for another 3 more weeks which is when Brooks Half Marathon is. Fingers crossed, I maintain my upward trend in my running pace and hopefully meet a sub 1:50 half marathon. :D

Work has been exciting and invigorating! Starting to get into the groove of my hectic schedule and I think teaching is a lot more enjoyable now that I no longer feel so lost in the school activity hall. The higher income helps, too. And more PT clients make me feel more established as a Personal Trainer (or, at the very least, on the way to getting established). So things are just sweeellll!! :D

Boyfriend is amazing. Valentine's Day was special because he cooked me dinner, and got me a gift which I feel really really grateful for! <3 I probably didn't do so well on the gift front, but I'll get better!

Now I was gonna write about something quite tragic, hence the title "Happiness". It was supposed to be an irony, but I'm a little too tired to carry on writing now and it is waaaaay past my bedtime, so hopefully I'll get to do so tomorrow. Otherwise it might actually be a good 3 weeks before I pen those thoughts down *eek!*.

Till then, goodnight world!

It's not a resolution per se...

I want to do this right this time. My brother is always saying I should just try it once, train really hard and properly for one race and see how the outcome is. I'm thinking maybe it's time I test this theory.

I never know what I am truly capable of because I'm never serious enough to put in the dedicated hours of training for a specific race. I write programs for people every day. I spell out instructions and goals for people to achieve. I tell them if they want it bad enough they'll get there. Oh don't I know it. But I am utterly bad at keeping my own discipline. I just let too many things get in the way. haha...

So I'm gonna try upping my training this time. I'm not gonna fix a set schedule, because, well who am I kidding, I'll never follow it once I know it's a "regime". But I'm going to make a conscious effort to sleep earlier, eat better, put in more hours of training, and stay focused until race day i.e. March 11th - Brooks Half Marathon. And if that goes well, I'm gonna stay focused and carry on for PJ Dawn in May. And hopefully by then I've gotten myself into the rhythm of things, that I can carry on and improve all my personal bests for the rest of the year! :D

So yeah.

But work is going to almost double up on me in the weeks to come. I cringe when I think of the sort of hours I'm going to be clocking in next time. But it has to be done. If there should be a resolution for this year at all, it would be to get rich. Rich in knowledge, rich in experience, and rich in the pocket too. =) Come on, Karen, ga yau!!!

On Work.

Sometimes I cannot believe how amazingly real my dreams are turning out to be. The satisfaction of seeing the opportunities come calling on me one by one is enough to drive me forward every single day. A handful of years ago, I had a vision that everything would be like this. I had a dream that the industry would swell up in due time, and that studying a course I was interested in would give me a step up in my career. I had a dream that the fitness industry would be various and ever growing. And not all of my childish dreams come true. So the fact that this one is becoming a reality, it's pretty overwhelming.

Here I am, with less than 6 months of being in the industry in my homeland, and already I have been approached by so many people with such various and interesting job offers! And I feel extremely lucky. I think the stars are aligned in the universe for me or I must've done something quite right in the past to be getting such opportunities but whatever the reason, I am very very grateful.

Though, with the abundance of job offers comes a great sense of responsibility to live up to the industry's expectation of me. I have been feeling nervous and anxious lately, simply because I don't know if I am as good as they think I am. My dad says I have self esteem issues, and maybe I do, but I wasn't the top of the class in uni, and so I sometimes feel a little unsure of myself. But make no mistake that I am more than willing to research on the issues at hand, and to learn as much as I can from the veterans of the industry that my good karma has allowed me to meet. I really don't want to mess things up, because I think a good reputation is hard to built, but once I obtain it, I am pretty much "invincible". =)

And that, is the kind of person I plan to be someday.

Ectrodactyly

Ectrodactyly, sometimes referred to as the “Lobster-Claw Syndrome”involves the deficiency or absence of one or more central digits of the hand or foot and is also known as split hand/split foot malformation (SHFM).The hands and feet of people with ectrodactyly are often described as "claw-like" and may include only the thumb and one finger (usually either the little finger, ring finger, or a syndactyly of the two) with similar abnormalities of the feet.

Source: Wikipedia

If you had ectrodactyly, what would you do? If you met someone with ectrodactyly, how would you treat that person?

We all try to be socially correct when our paths cross that of special individuals who are a little different. We perk up, try to look past their differences, pretend we don't see anything, and act extra cheerful around them. Or if we don't do so well at that, we try to avoid them altogether. We all do that. It's probably human nature. It is extremely difficult to treat them normally without trying too hard.

A young girl in my class has Ectrodactyly syndrome. And I, as a Physical Education teacher, find it very challenging to be as fair as I can to everyone, without patronizing her, or pushing her too hard. But she makes it very easy for me. Simply because she sees herself as no different than everyone else. She asks for no modification to the exercises I give out, she attempts everything with full enthusiasm, and she's such a happy camper all the time, I will never forget she's a teenager, just like everyone else in her class, enjoying probably the awesomest period of school (I presume...hehe). Every time I see her, I am moved by her spirit.

Being a PE teacher in the past week has taught me patience, perseverance, creativity, and most of all, humility. Just chatting with these kids, being their friend, gaining their trust and friendship, you realise you are being schooled every day. In that class, there is no lesser individual, every one learns from every one. =)

It's happening right now.

Today I landed my first PT client. I've been dreaming of this day for the past 3 years, and let me tell you, it feels pretty damn amazing. It's just one (potentially 2, because she referred me to a friend), but it's all coming true for me. My hopes, my dreams, the moments I envision in my head those cold, lonely nights in Auckland - it's all happening right now.

I may just be getting started, but to all you non believers out there, I just checked into Reality and so far it's awesome. =)

rawr rawr rawr!

Little darlings, little devils, little...period.




I have 5 classes in Cosmotots. They vary in their skills and fluency, but in general they're all amazingly adorable. Some tend to test my patience, others test my will power in holding back from squishing their chubby little faces...

Some told me they'd miss me, some asked me to stay, some...are still thinking that photo session is now a new part of their classes. haha...i guess i know that these kids would "move on" in a split second. I dont think any of them would remember me if i came back in December to say hi. If they did, I don't think they'd miss me much...which would be kinda sad actually. but that's the only downside of teaching kids.

bahh...now im becoming emotional. I miss them...:(

on other news, Standard Chartered Marathon 2008 is on! I hear it'll be in November. I PRAY it'll be in December. :)

Saying Goodbye: Round 1

i guess what clouds my mind these days is how to say goodbye. i believe everyone who leaves their home to further their studies, or for a job or even to emigrate for that matter goes through the turmoil of emotions i go through everyday now.

the excitement and thrill, growing and expanding, just waiting to burst the seams. so many new things to see, new people to meet, new fun to experience. its greater than walking out of the final exam paper knowing that you're done with exams. even greater than unfurling the script which has your name in big bold letters above a degree certification. and far far greater than landing your first job.

and i say this simply because, while others go through what i'm go through before all of the above, i am fortunate enough to experience this AFTER all that. And with hopes to experience all that again for a second time 3 years from now.

and yet there is a conscious knowing that an obscene amount of cash has been swallowed up just like that. just so i can have this chance to pursue something i think know i will make it in life with. a decision made based solely on dreams, visions, imaginations and hope. i don't even know if i am cut out for this degree, or if it will propel me forward for sure in future. all i have is complete faith right now.

and the heaviness of having to wave goodbye to family and friends. no doubt i'm home in december. it'll be barely 5 months. but 5 months is a million and one opportunities for things to go wrong. then again, it's a million and two oppoetunities for me to live the time of my life also la...hahaha...

u see where i'm getting at? i'm a wreck of mixed feelings.

anyway, yesterday was the last day of my job in Cosmotots. And i've said my little goodbyes to my colleagues and to my beloved little rascals. And you know what? i really really miss them. To bits! i even dreamt of them last night. almost every one of them. I can recite their names and what days i see them. I know their little antics and their soft spots. All in 6 weeks! Kids aren't hard to read at all. in fact, it is their transparency that makes them so pure, so unbiased. Kids never lie. They pull fast ones occasionally but all in the name of a good laugh. They bear no malice and they're just the sweetest little things ever. I miss them so much...

on other stuff, i watched Beauty And The Beast the musical. it was a whopping RM129.50 for me, but it was pretty worth it. Wasn't the best I've seen, but Disney and its characters have their way of penetrating through to my heart. I left the theatre singing and bobbing my head all the way home. I loved it...i think its cool to be in a musical. No wonder Yuh Huey's life is like a fairytale to all of us...

I'm even more determined to make my happily ever after now. Not in terms of meeting Mr Right and marrying him. More so in the context of making it in life.

I'll get there! Watch me!

more quotes

"Aunty!!! Someone passed motion in the toilet!!!"

"Ok, so? that is where you're supposed to pass motion..."

"The motion is still there! never go away!"

***

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Boys: Doctor! Pilot! Taekwondo Master!
Girls: Nurse!
Boys: Yer...why you want to be nurse? why dont want to be doctor?
Girls: I am a girl la! Crazy meh, want me to be doctor?

***

"Ok you want to be a doctor can you play the role of the doctor?"

*kid pretends to do surgery, and poke injections*

"Jun Ying, what are you pretending to be? Why are you sitting so still"

"NO!!! you are not supposed to see me! i'm the INVISIBLE MAN!"

***

"Aunty kawern...."

*ignores*

"Aunty kaweerrrnnnnn...."

*ignores*

"Aunty kawern, aunty kawern, aunty kawern, aunty kawernnnnn!"

"yes? what?"

"nothing!"

*runs off giggling*

k.i.d.s.

i think working with kids is a God given privilege. you're never judged by what you wear, or how you speak, or what you do, or where you come from. they're easily pleased and they're first instinct is to like you rather than hate you. if you do something they don't like then yea you get to yell and frown and pull faces at them, but toss out a magic word and award them points for acting silly as a clown and they're your best friend again. they'll tell you their deepest darkest secrets without a second thought.

i think i'm gonna miss these rugrats quite a bit when i leave end of this month.

quotes

"Hello, my name is Aunty Karen. Who here knows how to spell my name?"

*hands all waving madly in the air*

"Ok, you! How to spell my name?"

"m.y. n.a.m.e!"

***

"Today we're talking about super powers. Name me all the super powers you know.."

"Diamond head!" "Worm!" "Bomb!"

*many strange words later*

"Don't your super heroes fly? or have lightning speed?"

"Cheh...so boring waaaaaan....my superhero don't need to fly, he can blink wan ar!"

***

*Richie comes with his hair flat down across his forehead, no longer spotting the mohawk*

"Richie, how come your hair is no longer standing up?"

"I change my hairstyle already"

"Oh, so last time you were David Beckham, now who are you?"

"David cook!"

***

"The Invisible Man is a stranger in the story book. What is a stranger?"

"Bad guy!!"

"A stranger is someone you don't know. Not necessarily bad. You just don't know the person yet"

"Owwhh...like Red Riding Hood ar?"

"Yea! Remember Red Riding Hood's grandmother told her not to talk to strangers? So what is a stranger?"

"WOLF!"

the young ones

I've started working in Cosmotots. For the ignorant, Cosmotots is a child IQ development center. In layman term, its an English class for kids aged 4-12 years old. Kids are taught to speak, read, write and listen.

I can honestly say, I have never had so much fun at a job before. Not even when i marshalled at Camp 5, not even when I was a gymnastics coach. Kids who come to Cosmotots are the most adorable things in the world! I love my job!

I basically teach kids 8 years and below. Some are extremely bright, some take some time to grasp things, others simply grasp..literally. haha...everyday it's a different experience. When people say kids say the darn'st things, they mean it. It's true! I have not had one dull moment when i'm with the kids in the classroom.
even when i'm in the staffroom, marking their books, i chuckle to myself at the silliest things they write. it's just tickling when you see how kids interpret certain instructions from you different from each other. I've only been there a few days but already I'm trying to change the way I speak to children.

I've learned that:
1. Kids are afraid of being kissed. "I kiss you ar!" is actually a penalty. =D
2. Kids are smart. After analyzing your behaviour for 15 minutes, they can pretty much figure out how to deal with you to get what they want.
3. No matter how tough they act, they ALL have a soft spot. Knowing this can be your greatest weapon.
4. My daughter shall never wear pink and fall amongst the gazillion other little girls who wear the same colour. My son shall be taught not to swear and curse because nothing ruins the adorablity factor more than a curse word.

transition

i am at a transition in life whereby i'm caught between a fresh graduate who should be finding her own income as soon as possible and a student who is going into a whole new country and a whole new uni life.

ever since i graduated i have this unmentioned obligation to somehow be independent. that is, i want to earn my own income, so i don't need my parents to give me my monthly allowance anymore. and i can talk about work life alongside friends of mine who are already in the workforce. i feel like i am somehow required to find something to do soon. it's the next step in life, what else are you waiting for? that sort of thing. not that my parents gave me any pressure. this is just what society expects, i suppose. every person i meet asks "so where are you planning to work?" when i say i just graduated.

which is of course only the right thing to do. i graduated in November. had a good 4 months to play around. it's high time i got myself a serious, full time job. plus it's the whole turning 22. 22 is a year older than 21. which means i've become an official adult for almost a year now. i really ought to be wising up, and taking on more responsibilities. especially those with regards to my life.

which brings me to the other side of the limbo. i'm leaving in July. that gives me less than 3 months to work. It's not that i've had trouble landing myself a job. Quite frankly almost all interviews i've attended i was offered the job. So i must've been doing something right. Of course I had to lie through my teeth that i was here to stay. Which is, only the logical thing to do coz nobody's gonna employ me for 3 months.

but thats the whole problem. there's this feeling of "heck, i'm only here for 3 months" which kinda makes me not do things whole heartedly around any company. there's that feeling of guilt i carry with me, for lying. there's that feeling of regret when i see the days pass me by, knowing i should be enjoying myself with family and friends, rather than working till late hours in an office, all in the name of gaining experience and extra cash.

i think things would be less complicated if i actually was looking for a full time, long term, permanent job. then it'd either be whether i like it or not. if i like it i take it, if i don't, i don't.

my family seems to be encouraging me to take on a job, if i get offered one. i'm thinking of going for it too, because i really ought to be earning money instead of spending. part of me knows that i'd grumble and regret for sure. but the other part of me knows that i really have to go through this pathway sooner or later.

in May i'd hopefully be able to instruct RPM classes, as i have signed up for the instructor course on the 18th of April. i've been told the pay is RM50 per class. I have also asked to be YouthMalaysia's freelance writer too. that would earn me a small amount of cash i believe. but these side incomes are uncertain and not constant.

adult decisions are hard to make. can i say i don't want to grow up?