March

Hello again. If you still read my blog, I say thank you very much, and sorry for the very very very infrequent postings. I have obviously too much on my plate right now, and also a fading interest in typing out my personal thoughts. I think I am becoming cold and hollow inside, like everyone else in this age of technology. Because we can create an emotion whenever and wherever we like these days. Want to laugh - go read 9Gag. Want to cry - just listen to the news. Want to feel jealous - scroll down your FB news feed. Want to b*tch about people - do the same. Everything feels superficial, man-made. Nothing ever comes from the heart any more.

I feel like that these days. I feel like my daily mission nowadays is nothing more than "Make more money". I have become one of those people who do their accounts every month end, gasp in disbelief, start to freak out, frantically try to piece together a new plan to save money and make more money simultaneously, and the whole thing repeats itself in a monthly cycle. Fast fading is my passion for sport and outdoor enjoyment.

Training sessions which were once fun things for me to do during the weekend have now become a thing I dread but know I have to execute. It has become "homework". I hate homework. I hate school and academics and anything that forces me to do things I do not like to do. I am starting to get cranky whenever people take sport so seriously. Especially the poor boyfie, who has done no wrong except to want to train and take his sport seriously. That, for some stupid reason, makes me feel like I am not taking things seriously enough and that annoys me. Because from the very get go, I never take my sport this seriously. It was always just an avenue to sweat, burn calories, make friends, go really fast and feel the wind in my hair, and that's it! I never really aimed to better my time, to correct my stroke, to reduce my inefficiencies. I never wanted to play this seriously but somehow, somewhere, sometime ago I got caught in the hype of it all. The kiasuness is intolerable. I have done the bike route of my Putrajaya IM TWICE! My inner hipster triathlete is going Whuuuuuuuttttt?!! Since when, in my 15 years of athleticism, have I ever checked out the route prior to race day. Like NEVER!

But I cannot blame anybody but myself. I am conflicted. On one hand, I have my business, which is my baby at the moment. My top priority. Every decision I make, and everything I do this year have got to do with growing my business. I am dealing with emails, and phone calls, and furniture, and fitness articles and programs and running clinics, and corporate companies, and locksmiths and so many many many things that I am so so so worn out by the end of the day. Mustering the strength to do a 90km bike ride on a Saturday morning just sounds unappealing as it is, what more if I have to go and struggle to keep up with my boyfriend and his friends. My ego has never been stretched this thin. Yet, on the other hand, I know that somewhere deep inside of me I am still that person who wants to succeed. I want to be able to race on 13th of April, and emerge victorious. I'm not looking to win top 3, but I would be extremely disappointed if I failed to complete this race. This damn race which costs me 250 USD.

Why did I sign up for this race? For reasons I still cannot fathom, I signed myself up for a RM650 race. Who the hell spends that sort of money on a damn hobby and then not train for it? Again, it boils back down to money. Or the lack thereof.

Urgh, the pressure! The stress! The regret! I feel it every single day as the day draws closer. What is wrong with me?

I feel bleh.

I think I should start blogging here again. Because I am starting to feel a little bleeehhh. Maybe this is my quarter life crisis. Maybe this is Life as we all know it, but I have not quite accepted it.

I read and see pictures about marathons and runs and races that have past. Friends and acquaintances take part and rave about it. I have this sinking feeling that I should be the one taking part in these runs. I miss doing that and being in the atmosphere of it all. Yet I feel the act of running simply growing stale. I feel like I need to do something else to feed me the same endorphin and adrenaline to stimulate my passion for these things again. But the things I want to do take time and money and I feel like time and money always have better places to be channeled into than my hobbies. Being a grown up sux.

I am jealous. Of friends and peers who can own nice flash cars, buy homes, invest in businesses, get married and plan a family. I don't like trailing behind. I like trendsetting. I like jet-setting. I like telling people about things I have done. I don't like listening in awe.

And what happened to running a marathon in a different country every year? I forgot that little thing called Cost when I made that plan. Why does everything cost so much? I am letting my years slip me by.

Life is good but it isn't really panning out the way I had hoped. Not fast enough at least.

I need more money. I need to have more purpose.

27 is the new awesome.

I'm twenty-friggin-seven years old. To me, that sounds extremely old. Mainly because I had envisioned myself to be married and probably with a kid now. Because at my age right now, my mum already had my big brother.

But when I think about it, I think I am living the best times of my life. Life for me, is pinker than a bed of roses, bluer than the sky on a summer's day, and peachier than peaches. When I laid my head to rest yesterday, completely exhausted from my weekend, I had the widest smile on my face. I fell asleep feeling so amazingly blessed, words won't do it justice.

I mean sure I just had my house broken into about a week ago, and my skin is close to charred from the sun, and I have an ulcer the size of Dumbo in my mouth making it very painful for me to shout, and eat and drink. But I am really happy.

My career is really bringing me places. I am now the new Ambassador for Nike Training Club, representing Nike Malaysia. I met the most amazing girls in fitness, from different nations. I have the most amazing job. My clients are succeeding in their heath goals. I am the fittest and strongest I have ever been in my whole life. I love the way I look and how I owe it all to just doing my job, and loving my job. Jobs, plural, actually. But the gist of it is I am so happy!

My friends, both old ones and new, are the most awesome people. Just because they are always lending their support in any way they can. I know they humour me most of the time, but God, I love them! Always a Whatsapp message away :)

My boyfriend, Gary, is heaven-sent. The most supportive and attentive partner I can dream of having, he makes me feel extremely loved and cared for every single day. He takes it all in, my tantrum should I throw it his way, my odd working hours, my need to constantly train, and sleep, and eat, he just takes it all in and creates an environment so conducive for me and my life. I struck gold the day I met him.I am extremely grateful.

My family never fails to show their support for everything I do. My brothers are the most amazing brothers, keeping track of my activities, and keeping me close to their hearts. My parents have to deal with my erratic lifestyle, exchanging the cars in the driveway for me, washing up my really dirty clothes, humoring me when I talk for hours on end about fitness and people I train.

I hope this never ends. I hope the downhill of all these joyous moments is lightyears from now, and that my life will continue to flourish till the day I die. =) That will be my birthday wish every damn year.

Annoyed.

I'm a little upset with myself. I overslept, didn't hear my alarm, and missed an RBC session. That's $$$ down the drain because I didn't hear the damn alarm. This isn't the first time this month, I overslept twice, although I made it JUST in time the past two times, today being the first time I completely miss it. And I don't know why. I've been so good throughout the year. But I know that I have no one else but myself to blame. And I also know that whining about it isn't going to make things any better, and it damn well isn't going to solve anything. So...-end rant-.

To try redeeming myself I went out for a run and started thinking. I need a more sustainable income. I love what I do, and I love the freedom of having my own flexi hours. But whenever I fall sick, or want to go on a holiday or an emergency happens, I am losing out on quite a lot of income and that is not good. I wish I have some sort of sick leave or something.

And so I think it's time I start making some big decisions. I've accumulated an okay amount of savings over the past year. I think it's time I park some of it somewhere where I can generate more money. Otherwise I'll never get rich. Time to start making some real money, Karen.

Sick again.

There is something very wrong with my immune system. I'm sick again. For the umpteenth time this year. I swear, if I actually counted, I'd scare myself. Shouldn't I be really fit and strong and healthy? Shouldn't I fall sick much less than people who do not regularly exercise? Urgh. Not fair I tell you.

And because every time I fall sick and fail to go to work, I lose out on income. I need to find other means of income or else I'm gonna lose it one day.

I was thinking about my big dream to own my own place next time. My own community health centre. And the more I thought about it, the more I think I don't have the experience, or the knowledge or the network to start building my own business yet. I think about the people I work for, they all succeed because of their many many many years in the industry. They know their stuff.

I need to get there someday. I'd better have one solid idea for my business then.

meh.

I sometimes get little sparks of ideas which make me go, "OMG I got it! It's gonna be huge!". And I really wish I have the drive to follow those ideas and make them a reality. But then the rational part of my brain takes over and I start to think (which is a dream killer). I need more drive in me.

I haven't been running on my own in ages. I don't know why. I've kinda lost the mood to run. It's just whenever I find the time to run, it would be a decision I'd have to make between run and sleep. Sleep always trumps run. I think I love to sleep more than I love to run now. Oh, shoot me please.

I cannot wait for the school holidays. I've cut my school time down to only 2 days! And I've only got 3 more weeks of it. That's only 6 days! Why, oh why, do I feel so restless?!

The Auckland Marathon was last weekend and a few of my friends did really well! I wish I was there with them. It would've been my 3rd Auckland Marathon. I wonder if I can still run marathons any more. Maybe I totally suck at them now. *eek*

I'm being completely and utterly random tonight BECAUSE...(I think) Gary's coming home tomorrow morning and I'm so excited to see him that I cannot sleep. And I'm dreading the amount of work hours I have to go through before I get to meet him tomorrow night. Meh.

And it's October

Can you believe it? Gosh, the time!!

I spent the entire day today lounging around. Which isn't good, because when I don't do anything it means I don't earn anything. I've just gotten myself 2 days off from teaching in the school so I can focus more on Personal Training. But while I was able to make a couple of those materialise, I still need to work on getting more clients in during the day. Housewives and Aunties where are you?

I've been so busy for so long that when I finally got a day of doing nothing (Gary's in the States, hence I've been free), I found myself indulging in old episodes of Friends and getting emotional about Ross and Rachel. And then I decided to take a nap and that nap went on for 2 hours. Well, in my defence I did get up at 5 am this morning and slept at 12 last night and had a killer weekend. So I think I was just having a little down time. Rewind. Recharge. That jazz.

I tried to write something for my fitness site but nothing came to mind! In fact for the longest time, I haven't had any idea what to write about. I remember having a clue sometime back but I didn't have the time to sit down and do the research then. Today, I wish I had jotted that idea down somewhere. Geez.

Something hit me over the weekend. I realised that I am probably at my strongest, fittest form, ever. I ran 10km in 50 minutes. I look at myself in the mirror and I have to say I'm quite happy about how I'm looking. Friends are telling me that I look extremely fit from the photos they see on Facebook. I think I should take this opportunity to do something great! You know, before I go over the hill. And so, sitting down at a mamak after cycling 33kms with some friends, sipping teh c ais, and having my roti with 2 telur, I decided, I'm gonna do an IronMan. By hook or by crook, I'm going to achieve an IronMan before I hit 30. So, there.

And while I'm at it, why not do more things? Buy a property, join a gym and do RPM again, take vocal lessons. So much I want to do!

I really need to make more money.

Can I?

Things are moving pretty quickly for me, career wise. I've been working full time just over a year and in that short period of time I've managed to get myself into many MANY things. It's quite a thrill, mainly because I have envisioned all of this for myself, but living it makes it feel all the more extravagant.

But yet I seem to doubt myself quite often. "Can I?" is something I find myself asking over and over again, even when I have made a promise to myself to always take that leap of faith because doing so has granted me so much in the past. I am a leaper. I leap. Always have been, always will be (hopefully). I sometimes think Disney has ruined me, making me a dreamer, an idealist. I live for fairytale, dreams come true, and happily ever afters. But because society in real life as I've come to know, is quite the opposite, so while I have these vivid visions of my future, I still wonder "Can I?".

On a separate note, I realised that, evident from this blog, I think about my career a LOT. If it's not this, than it's about love & marriage, but still, most of the time I think about my career and where I am heading.  I don't know if people still enjoy reading this blog, or has it become quite boring. Meh.

Of proposals and weddings

No, not mine. Everybody else's. (wah sound so bitter).

I've been surrounded with news of engagements and tying the knots and gorgeous wedding dresses and locations for wedding shoots and so on. It really touches the heart seeing everyone finding true love and meeting their soulmate and all. I mean, as you already know, I'm a big, fat, hopelessly romantic goon who believe in the sanctity of "till death do us part", and having that one person made for you for eternity. (Now I hope Gary doesn't read this because he may get scared off).

Recently I've been hearing of engagements and weddings of people that I used to know quite well. People who were "friend-in-laws" in my ex relationship. And although that is done and dusted, and I've found myself someone truly worth loving, I can't help but feel slightly nudged in the ribs whenever I see news of these people tying the knot. I guess it just kind of reminds me that at one point in time, not too long ago, we were probably all hanging out at a kopitiam or a mamak together, some of them single at that point, some of them just found each other, and I was with the ex at that time and it just all seem so...I don't know...surreal, now that I have tried so hard to bury that past behind me. All these news just kinda bring up some old memories again.

The fact that I'm 26 and not getting any younger, and that one of my best friends is getting married in March next year, and that I've like a gazillion wedding invites all year long, just makes me a little antsy about the topic of marriage. I'll be very honest. I do really want to get married. But I also know that I've only been in this current relationship for barely a year, so I don't feel like thinking about whether this is the one right now and all that mumbo jumbo. I mean I love G very much. But for the time being, I just wanna leave it at that. Am I making any sense? I suddenly feel like I am Bridget Jones.

Anyway. The point is, I love it all. The stories, the strategy different guys adopt to propose to their girlfriends, the planning of the wedding, the photoshoot, the wedding dresses, the bridal party. I love weddings. And I eagerly anticipate my turn because I don't care who my husband turns out to be, but my wedding day is gonna be epic. =) Do I sound like I'm going crazy?

Hello.

My last post was a month ago. And I am surprised that my weekly site meter tells me that I still have about 17 unique followers. So to these 17 unique people, I thank you very much. I will try my best not to let this page die and to continue to provide you loyal people with rantings or depiction of my awesome life. =)

Life has not really been that awesome. Haha...or maybe it has been too awesome, such that I no longer have time to pen a few things down here. Hmm. I lie. Life, has been starting to plateau as the thrills and excitement of my homecoming and starting my job and learning about this new phase of life I entered are all now starting to settle down. I still love my job, and I still meet new people every now and then, but that rapid fire pace at the beginning is now a slow and steady fortnightly thing i.e. the meeting new people part.

Updates...updates. OH! I turned 26!!! And how did it go? Pretty good actually, though nothing like I had expected. At the end of my birthday last year, I said I was going to celebrate my birthday with a BANG this year, because I will be back home and surrounded by friends and family that I love. I didn't. It was a pretty quiet affair, but I did spend it with Gary and he made it pretty special. =) I had a somewhat early night because I needed to study for my Japanese exam the next day (which I failed, so on hindsight I probably should've just hung out with Gary all night and make a fiesta out of it).

Turning 26 was supposed to be a big thing for me. When I was in high school, I had envisioned myself being married by 26. So when I was left single 2 years ago I kinda knew I'm never going to be married by 26. It bummed me out a little when I see friends my age getting married. Ju laughed and kept saying "The only person who really wants to get married among us is Karen". I don't know, I like the idea of Till death do us part. I guess I'm very much a Ted Mosby. Ha!

Another update (coincidentally about marriage too) is that one of my best friends, Lyn got engaged! I'm so happy for her! I'm still trying to let the news sink in. That this girl, who used to stay over at mine, who went shopping with me and write me letters, and even planned to wear identical clothes, is getting married next year. Pretty epic. And a little scary at the same time because I can't help but wonder what will happen once she's married. As it is right now it's so hard to meet up with one another, I have a feeling it's going to be harder next time. I guess that's just life. *shrug*

I've also decided that I'll be a little more dedicated to the company that has helped me grow as a Fitness Instructor - Rebel. It has given me so much to learn from and to master and to just enjoy the ride that I barely felt any negative stress from work at all. Sure there were stressful times, but never negative vibes. Everything has been an awesome learning process and I think I'm turning out just the way I had hoped.

And life with a boyfriend is lovely. I'm in a really good relationship, where we both have a balanced, healthy life between work and play. I find that I can learn to prioritise more than one thing at a go, that is my family, my loves, and my work. They are all important to me. I didn't go all high school giddy headed and neglected my other aspects of life, and I find that our relationship is very healthy. Literally. The dude works out with me when we can, and it's really nice to have someone motivate me to work out just as hard as he does. =) Aahh.. ♥

I think I'm happy. Yea, I am. =)

Out with the old, In with the new

I spent all of Sunday trying to tidy up my room and it is shocking to realise what a hoarder I really am. For one thing, I would like to be as much of an environmentalist as I can, so I really try to keep bits of unused paper, or notepads, or exercise books to be used in future. I also try as much as I can to be an artist, so I have managed to compile quite a collection of scrap paper, bits of wrapping paper, nice little plastic bags and gift boxes and cards so I can use them to make gifts and cards for friends. And most of all, I grow emotionally attached to a lot of my things, especially if they were given by my friends. Every gift I have ever received is truly treasured because of their effort and kind thoughts. But what I end up with is piles of things I never use at all!

So I filled a big black bag full of rubbish and there's still some more to go. The last time I had a clean up of my room was probably about a year ago because I bought a new cupboard and chucked an old broken one. I cleared up 6 drawers of things and during that time, I guess the hardest thing to do was to chuck away the ex boyfriend stuff. Those things held way too many memories, keeping them felt as if I am not letting myself move on, but throwing them away felt wrong as well. So I kept a bunch of things, well hidden from plain sight, so I don't stumble across them too frequently.

A few days ago, G came over to my place after a run together to use my shower. And it struck me that I've moved on now, I really should not be keeping certain things such as dried roses from Valentine's Day 3 years ago. So yesterday, I finally chucked them, along with some other things I learned to let go off. Memories will remain as memories, in my head. Chucking away these things doesn't mean I cut out these memories, it just means I'm making space for new memories to be made with G. :)

The surprising thing was when I went out with G yesterday night, I felt closer to him, like I could finally step over the big rock that was holding me a step back from him. I realised how much I've fallen in love with this guy. I was just too afraid to admit it for fear of shattering my heart again.

Happiness

Hello! Really haven't been good with this whole blogging thing seeing that my last post was about 3 weeks ago. Gosh, Karen, what have u been so damned busy with?

Ok. Ohp-daytes!

So I've been making a conscious effort to train more. When I say train more, I actually mean actually train, literally. Because I used to not train, ever. Well...in Auckland, I trained quite a bit, but that was Auckland, what else was I gonna do there? But yeah, I've been doing well with logging in about 3 runs per week, and seeing a steady progress in my running pace. I've also carried on with strength training just to *ahem* keep in shape and actually look like a Personal Trainer. This I manage to do about 2 sessions per week. So yeah, pretty good stuff, looking forward to keeping this up for another 3 more weeks which is when Brooks Half Marathon is. Fingers crossed, I maintain my upward trend in my running pace and hopefully meet a sub 1:50 half marathon. :D

Work has been exciting and invigorating! Starting to get into the groove of my hectic schedule and I think teaching is a lot more enjoyable now that I no longer feel so lost in the school activity hall. The higher income helps, too. And more PT clients make me feel more established as a Personal Trainer (or, at the very least, on the way to getting established). So things are just sweeellll!! :D

Boyfriend is amazing. Valentine's Day was special because he cooked me dinner, and got me a gift which I feel really really grateful for! <3 I probably didn't do so well on the gift front, but I'll get better!

Now I was gonna write about something quite tragic, hence the title "Happiness". It was supposed to be an irony, but I'm a little too tired to carry on writing now and it is waaaaay past my bedtime, so hopefully I'll get to do so tomorrow. Otherwise it might actually be a good 3 weeks before I pen those thoughts down *eek!*.

Till then, goodnight world!

What am I?

It's been amazing what I've been doing so far, job wise. I couldn't have pictured a better way to transition into working life than how I'm doing now. And it only gets better and better, because today, I received yet another phone call from a Personal Trainer cum fitness studio owner who wants to talk business with me.

I have to say, I'm loving the attention. All those sweat and tears to get my degree is really paying off because Malaysia, or Klang Valley at least, seem to be quite taken by my qualification. Hehe...so, quite bangga lah. Education not wasted!

But because I juggle so many different jobs, I have a slightly harder time explaining what I do when people ask me what I do. I always start with "I'm a trainer." And they go "As in...fitness? Motivational?". And then I go "Hahaha, I'm a personal trainer." And they go "I can see that". (Good. At least I look the part. Haha, always feel like I need to do a whole lot more conditioning work to look fit enough to be a trainer.) And then I go on to explain the different things I dabble in and how my working hours vary from a day to day basis, and how I sometimes end up working 7 days a week, though for short periods only. For now it's still kinda fun elaborating because it gives me the opportunity to market myself and tell people who I really am, but I think after a while it'll stop being fun and start being annoying...haha...

So what am I? I'm a personal trainer/fitness instructor/phys ed teacher and self declared fitness missionary to my family and friends. I hope to inspire and motivate the people around me to get off their butts and lead a healthy lifestyle. I hope to impact lives and initiate change. I hope to create a fitter, healthier community. So, who's with me? :)

Statement pictures.

Lately there has been a sudden influx of all these little statement pictures on Facebook. Like this one:


or this one:


or this one:


Honestly, I think they're kinda cool. Except for the fact that it's turning into a fad now. That makes it kinda not cool any more.

The thing is, the only quotes I can repost on my wall are the ones about running, and motivation, and inspiration to get off the couch and start training. Because I'm too self conscious to post something about love and relationships. If I post a bitter one about exes and break ups, then I sound, well, bitter. If I post something about finding the right one and joy and happiness, well, that's just denial. Or wishful thinking.

Truth is, the photo I really want to post is this:

I miss the joy, the happiness, the out of this world sensation you get when you are together with someone. I miss having a default person to call out for movies, for drinks, for holidays. I miss having a someone. And being someone's someone. Being single is only fun if you're the kind of person who rocks at being single. Me, I don't rock it that well. I have no intention to flirt, to date casuals, to figure out if I can date alternative types. I don't really want to. If I were 16, hell yeah. But I don't really want to right now. Right now, all I really want is to go home after a long tiring day, to talk on the phone with that special person while lying on the bed, making plans for the holidays or the weekend. I want to look forward to weekends like I used to. Nowadays the only thing I look forward to during weekends is 8 am sleep ins and Sunday morning boot camp with my mates.

That day better come.

People are interesting.

They never cease to amaze me.

I went out for yumcha with Weng and an old schoolmate, Seng Chee, this afternoon. I haven't seen Seng Chee in quite a while, and that catch up was the randomest meeting which started off as a simple Facebook comment.

Anyway. He was pretty much the same person he was back in high school, although I never really hung out with him much back then. We were doing the usual "Hey, how's it going? So what are you doing right now? Working? Oh, for who?" and that sorta stuff. And then we started talking about relationships. (And the lack thereof). And, I don't know, I just never thought he was such a deep, philosophical person. And he said a lot of things which made sense today. Of course, he said a lot of things which I already knew as well, from experience. Haha, I sometimes feel I should write a book on how to screw up a long distance relationship. heh. And just like that, I left that mamak with a somewhat different impression of Seng Chee. He's interesting.

And just earlier today, I was feeling somewhat restless so I decided to head to Pyramid to do some shopping. I figured I didn't have much free time left from now till I fly off to Auckland, so I'd better start buying those things for my friends. One of the items I was supposed to carry with me to Auckland were wedding magazines for a friend who just got engaged recently. I even played a tiny tiny role in the planning of the proposal. True story. So I found a couple of nice ones at Popular, and proceeded to pay at the counter. And the girl at the counter gave me a wide grin, to which I smiled as politely as I could in return and said "These aren't for me". Her face almost immediately reddened and I felt bad so I wished her Selamat Hari Raya, quickly paid and went away.

I don't blame her. If I saw a young woman holding a bridal magazine I'd smile myself giddy as well. It's nice to see a girl at that time. It's probably one of the happiest moments of a girl's life - getting married. I would think so anyway.

I think, that my parents are probably trying to guess whether I'm dating anyone at the moment. Everytime I mention a friend's name that I'm going to meet, they probably mentally cross reference it in their heads with the last time i mentioned that same friend's name and make a mental note on how frequently I go out with him. I wish I could tell them I am dating someone. But, well, I just haven't met him yet. =)

I need to do something out of the ordinary. I need to meet new people, partake in new activities, reach out of my comfort zone. I need a new breath of fresh air. Maybe then I'll meet someone cool enough to be my man. =)

3 weeks!

I've been working for 3 weeks now. I wouldn't say it's full time yet, but gosh I am so so so exhausted by the end of every week! I don't even work a full day every day, but the days I do, I come home with aching feet and without an ounce of energy left in me.

Right now I cannot wait till I get my first pay cheque. :D Kinda wish my pay comes every fortnight like in New Zealand, but it's ok. Big lump sum at the end of the month is definitely something worth looking forward to! To be honest I can't wait to give my parents money. Haha...it's just been one of those things I've been wanting to do since I finished my first degree, but was never able to. And when I was studying in Auckland, and my friends have been earning monthly salaries back home, I wanted to graduate more than ever!

On a different note, a lot has been happening in my circle of friends. People getting engaged and married and all that. It's all very surprising and exciting and I'm very happy to see that my friends are doing well in life. Love and happiness to me is one of the biggest success a person can achieve, and I am glad my friends have found them with amazing people. But to say I am not jealous would be a lie. I wish that for myself more than ever now that I am done studying, and embarking on my career.

I have so much happening for me right now. Things are working out better than I expected and it's been exhilarating being in charge of my own life, and watching it pan out the way I had hoped. But I'd really like to be able to share this excitement with someone. My family and friends are great, I've been entertaining them with stories of my mischievous kids at school and what not. And they're supportive and motivating. But yeah. Would be nice if I could share it with someone special. Haha...for once I don't want to be the one who's still studying, who has assignments and exams to go home to, who doesn't have enough money to foot the bill! haha...

Owells. Hope for the best? :)

Hello, work!

Everyone says, enjoy student life! You'll never get it back when you start working. They all say, once you start work, you don't get so much freedom, you don't get to play that much.

What everyone didn't believe me was when I said, work was going to be so much fun. I was right.

I started work this week, and it has been amazing! I do admit being committed to work for such long hours does kinda drain my energy, but apart from that work is so much fun! I'm still a little conscious about myself, being a new kid on the block in the whole PT thing, but I think I'm slowly gaining confidence. I am, after all, a Sport and Exercise Science degree holder. I am possibly more qualified than half the trainers in this country, if not more. =) *Just psyching myself up, don't mean to sound pompous*

On another note, I've been pretty moody lately, and I don't know whether it's just my hormones at work, or it's just being back here again, and facing all the memories once more. I function fine when I'm kept busy, but like always, the night gets to me. Also, I've been having dreams lately, and they leave me a little...disturbed...when I wake up. It's a bit unsettling. But it doesn't stay long, because once the day's activities pick up, I'm a happy camper again, which is good. But yeah, gotta do something about the nights and the dreams. heh. And the fear that I'm going to die alone. HAHA. No really...

Fear.

We all have fears. Big stuff, small stuff, critical phobias and not so critical phobias. It is what makes us human, the whole not being perfect thing.

I fear lizards. Yes, the common house lizard which roams around my house in the dark and scurries away when I tun the lights on. *urgh*. Scares the living daylight out of me.

I also fear fish. HA! Betcha didn't see that one coming, huh? Yes. If I can scale rock faces, bungy jump, sky dive, run marathons, but ever wondered why I have not taken a diving certificate? I can't stand being in the water with fish surrounding me. That whole fish spa thing that's good for hard skin on your feet? Hate it. Couldn't last 10 seconds in it. I think it stems from my very amateur swimming ability. Because if something horribly wrong were to happen, I am not a strong enough swimmer to swim away from it - yes even little anchovies might turn out to be carnivorous creatures ok? In fact, they probably are.

Apart from that, I also fear not being good enough. I know I take on a chillax attitude most of the time, but when it comes to being judged by somebody very important to me, I almost always fear that I am not good enough for him. I think it's a rather crippling bad point of me which I have come to discover of myself in my previous relationships. Be with someone long enough, and I start to change to suit his wants, his preference, his idea of a cool, amazing person. It's not very healthy, I know. And I'm hoping to attribute some of it to the fact that my past relationships were kinda dysfunctional anyway. But yeah. I KNOW that this is a big flaw in me and I am going to try to prevent this from happening in my future relationship.

On a different note. Don't you just hate ex girlfriends/boyfriends? As in, not yours, but, well, the ex of your current partner/interest. I think no mater how grown up you are, all's fair in love and war. Only in extremely rare (and weird) situations would you end up being buddies with their ex. Most of the time, the sight of their name just kinda makes your skin crawl doesn't it? And everything they say or do just seems like they're out to get to you. *GROWL*.

To one such person in my life right now, I'd just like to say, even though you probably will never read this, (Actually then again, it wouldn't be completely impossible if you did), it's not a competition. I am no longer in the game. So you can drop the whole outsmarting me act and go get him if you want. Just on geographical proximity alone, you win. You probably already won all along.

It's happening right now.

Today I landed my first PT client. I've been dreaming of this day for the past 3 years, and let me tell you, it feels pretty damn amazing. It's just one (potentially 2, because she referred me to a friend), but it's all coming true for me. My hopes, my dreams, the moments I envision in my head those cold, lonely nights in Auckland - it's all happening right now.

I may just be getting started, but to all you non believers out there, I just checked into Reality and so far it's awesome. =)

Malaysia Part II

Being home has been GREAT. It's great having Mummy's home cooked food, and listening to Daddy's dinner table stories and I'm surprised (once again) at how much my brother, Keith has grown both physically and in personality.

I've been meeting up with my friends one by one, I love knowing that I am starting full time work soon, so it means steady income coming in very soon. ;) It's been great seeing all of them again, and catching up with each other's lives, and finally feeling like my own life can now get under way, rather than be put on hold while I finish my studies.

And, of course, one of the awesomest things about being back at home, gastronomy haven aside, is the hi speed unlimited broadband, which means I get to follow all my favourite TV series again! I've been going on a Gleeathon and I am BLOWN away! *Heart* Glee!! ♥

One episode in particular, was talking about acceptance. How we should accept our imperfections and wear it on our chests with pride.

This touched me a lot, especially with what has been going on in my country. The Bersih rally that was held on July 9th, the night I flew back here, is still splashed across news feeds everywhere. A lot of touching stories have surfaced from different angles, contributed by people who were either at the demonstration itself, or was married to one of them, or was barred from going to the rally...the stories make me want even more to be back home here.

I love Malaysia. I will always be proud to be Malaysian. People still ask me, "Why don't you get yourself a permanent residency in New Zealand? Such a waste, you already study there for 3 years, stay a little longer and you can get your PR already." I don't quite understand why.

I don't understand why we as children of Malaysia are asked to run away to a foreign country. Why complain about life in Malaysia, and then escape and never return? Why not do something about it? A lot of us are blessed to be given the opportunity to study abroad, why not bring what we learn back home to Malaysia to better our own home country? The country we grew up in, where we were shaped and moulded?

"But you study Sport Science! How to survive in Malaysia? No market for you la, stay in NZ better!". Wrong. I studied Sport Science to help better peoples' lives. And it would be plain silly if I run along and helped foreigners in a land where the industry is already well developed, while I can easily do the same for my fellow Malaysians who are in greater need of such knowledge than the white men.

Same reason why we cheer for Harimau Malaya (Malayan Tigers), our national football team, when they go against world renown Arsenal, even though our players are no match for them. The world of sport is highly patriotic. People will cheer for their own home teams no matter what the odds. It feels good cheering for something you belong to.

I don't know if the Glee episode is really related, but it touched me and it made me think of how we shouldn't be ashamed of the imperfections of Malaysia. We should be proud of it, and we should want to better it. Home is where the heart is. My heart belongs to Malaysia. =)