Running related.

Running is a huge part of my life. I centre a lot of things around running. Like why I keep my hair long, so that I can tie it up in a tight ponytail to run. Or why I love buying socks and I only choose those that are light and not too loose, so I can use them for running. Or why I try not to make any plans on Sundays, because I'm usually running on that day. Or why I eat a lot of bananas and I'm never afraid of carbs, because in my job I am always running. Most of everything I do is running related. That's why when my running performance is affected by something, I get pretty upset.

The last time I felt a little different in my run was about 5 years ago. It came as suddenly as a thunderstorm, without much warning, affecting my run very distinctly. All of a sudden, I was unable to run any more. When I told that to my friends, they couldn't understand me. What do you mean, you can't run any more? I said I just couldn't! I would start my run at a leisurely jogging pace and then within 15 minutes I'd be panting as if I had finished 20 clicks. It was bizarre! When I told that to my family, being the sportsmen they are, they told me I wasn't putting in enough training. They said, I can't keep improving without training. Sooner or later I'll start going downhill and I'd have to up my training to keep up. So I trained more and more and every time I tried the same thing would happen, I'd run out of breath within 10 minutes. It brought me to tears wondering what was going on. Then I saw a doctor who made me take a blood test. I found out from the test results that I had hyperthyroidism. I was put on medication and it was horrible. I gained weight, I looked like a balloon, I had hives and itched everywhere as a side effect of that medication, and I felt miserable. The medication course took 6 months and I was ok again after that. My running went back to normal and I was smashing personal best times again. =)

Fast forward to today. The past few races I have taken part in have been miserable. I am constantly tired these days and I have been told by many that I seem to be losing a lot of weight. I like the weight loss bit, but I really don't like all these "cannot run any more" business. So after a depressing Penang Bridge marathon, I went to take the same blood test again. The doc also mentioned I have been losing weight, so he said it has most likely recurred. Today I took the test results and I was right. I am once again hyperthyroidic - if there's such a word.

I've been given a 6 month course of medication again. I am probably going to be quite miserable again, but hey, I am looking forward to the time I can run again. And I'll be smashing my PBs again, just you wait and see.

Pro Singles

I've been single for over a year now, and I, very often, get invited out to 'Girls Night Outs'. I think it's cool that my single girlfriends take the initiative to hold these occasions and have very positive mindsets on singlehood and whatnot. But as much as I appreciate their gestures, I can't help but find them a little "pro single". They glorify being single as if it's the best lifestyle in the world. They say they are free to travel, to go out and flirt guilt-free, to meet people and have them buy drinks for them, and just have a whole lot of fun without the need to owe any explanation to anyone. I admire their strength and courage, but I am definitely not one of them. Another friend of mine told me that if I really want to get over my ex for good, then have a rebound one. I think the thought of that already has my moral consciousness screaming bloody murder.

I am strong enough to live independently without a partner. But having a partner doesn't make you weak or dependent or restrained. I dream of having the kind of partner that will travel with me to exotic places. I dream of having the kind of partner whose hobbies and interest compliment my own and we'll have many shared moments together, thus there'll be no need to report to him because more often than not he'll be by my side. And I dream of having the kind of partner who makes me so happy I will not see the need to flirt with random strangers and fish for compliments. I don't really go out at night anyway apart from hanging out at bubble tea places with my bestie. So I don't think I need to worry about accidentally flirting with anyone and feeling guilty about it if I am in a relationship.

Being in a committed relationship, to me, is amazing. Having that one person who'll always be by your side, who always get you, who knows what to say or do to lift you up, on whom you can count on...that to me are life's best moments. Maybe I am a sappy romantic, but I really really want all of that, not some stupid unmemorable fling that'll only leave me feeling more guilty.

Chocolate ice cream

Today I realised when I find myself caught in the perils of self pity and loneliness, a nice big bowl of chocolate ice cream and chocolate sauce can do wonders.

Look forward, Karen. You need to stop holding on to the past, it's not coming back.

Running a half marathon isn't quite like ABC anymore.

I ran the PJ Half marathon yesterday morning, and I did it in 2 hours 5 minutes. That is about 10 minutes or more slower than my best half marathon time. So I've finally accepted that I am no longer that good a runner. No more excuses, no more "I didn't eat well the night before" bull sh*t. I'm just going to admit it. As a long distance runner of more than a decade of experience, I now kinda suck. Maybe at age 25, after running for 12 years, I've gone past the peak, and am now in the downhill phase. Stink.

The weather was extremely hot though, and even though I thought I could handle that sort of heat pretty well, I think my 3 years in Auckland has made me a bit less tolerant of the tropical rainforest climate, especially during physical exertion. Or maybe that's just another excuse. hahaha...I ran probably the first 12km with relative ease, and then the heat just got the better of me, so I kinda ran-walked the remaining 9kms - the walking became more frequent towards the last few kms. I was feeling extremely warm, and I was drying up like a prune. Even 12 hours post race, my face was still radiating heat. That was how baked I got.

But whatever I lacked in drive yesterday, I made up in style :D I ran the half marathon with my devil horns like I did last year in Auckland, because it's Halloween. And because I'm in typical Malaysia, I was the only person to dress up, and thus, got plenty of attention...which is always kinda nice, even if it is not for the reasons I hoped for. I even got my face in today's The Star! So not too bad la, I was quite happy about the race despite it being one of my worst times ever.

Hopefully I'll do a bit better for Powerman and Penang Bridge. =)

Anaerobic or aerobic power?

When I was a little kid in primary school, I never liked running. I never wanted to follow my mum and dad to the Subang lake to go jogging because I was afraid it was a place only for pros and I was conscious that people might laugh at me. I was always an active kid, but I took part in telematch sports more like running in the gunny sack, or 3 legged race. I was queen of the monkey bars in the playground, and I've always loved hula hoops. In Standard 4 (Age 10), I became a rhythmic gymnast after my mum saw the bigger girls dancing with pretty leotards in school. And when I first started, I was pretty good at it. =) Then as the choreographed routines got more complex and harder to remember, I didn't do so well any more...haha...but I still loved it. I still think rhythmic gymnastics is the most beautiful sport.

At age 13 I took part in a jogathon. It was 7 km and I had signed up with a bunch of my friends for fun. I came home with a prize. That was the beginning of my long distance running career. I guess I had the right genes for it because I never took it seriously enough to train hard for it, but I always manage to clinch some sort of prize. Also not many girls my age took part in runs so I had a very good chance. And as I grew older, the more I ran the better I got. From my running, I went into triathlons, and duathlons, and marathons. So that was cool. =) By the time I was in uni, I have already been in the long distance running scene for about a decade.

So aerobic power has been my forte for the past >10 years. No matter what happened in my life, I always had my cardio endurance. And then Work happened. Boot camp is all about sprints, drills, grunts. High intensity interval training with minimal rest periods in between. Training people who are less fit than me, I run at a much slower pace. And long working hours meant I am more often than not too lazy to train. To make sure I still work up a sweat every now and then, I resort to short 30 minute work outs at home, which, you can probably guess, consists of more high intensity interval training. SOOO...as proven by my dismal performance this morning (4.8 km run in 31 minutes), I think I am slowly turning from an aerobic to an anaerobic athlete! Now I understand why a lot of my fellow marathoners have now turned into Crossfitters and what not. Endurance training just takes too much effort sometimes. haha...

It's not a bad thing to be. Anaerobic power is an amazing trait, but I think I'm more comfortable being an endurance runner. So, I hope I don't lose it. I keep telling myself I need to train up, but I know it's gonna take a great deal of will power to get my game into high gear and start clocking in those miles. Oh, let there be faith!

Am I good enough?

So I've been writing quite a bit on work and work related stuff. It's been great, I couldn't have imagined it any better! Malaysians are more open to the health and fitness industry than we think. It's changing out there, more and more Malaysians are more aware and more educated about the importance of keeping a healthy lifestyle. Which is why I still think I am very blessed to come into the fitness world right when it's starting to bloom. I couldn't have picked a better time, and it's working out really well for me. And I have an amazing network of support, where my family and friends believe in me. And the people I've been lucky to work with? They have faith in me too. And the people I train, the people who train with me...they all believe in me, and pass on good words about me to other people so that people who are looking for trainers have this very good impression of me. Now the question is, do I believe in myself?

I feel greatly honoured when people approach me and ask me if I'd like to work for them. I really do. Especially when these people are fitness gurus themselves! I have very high regard for these people, and here they are asking me if I would like to work with them. I feel the excitement bubbling inside of me. It's just so surreal! But amidst the thrill and everything, I suddenly wondered, am I good enough?

Am I as good as they think I am? Will I fall short of their expectations? Do I really have what it takes to step up to the plate and be the person they think I am? I am surrounded by people with years of experience on their backs and a fierce passion for what they do, people who went through the whole food chain of the fitness industry, and rose at the top through sheer determination and hard work. Am I good enough to ever be anything like them?

I've only been working for less than 3 months, and already I feel like people have expectations of me. And I have expectations of myself. And I really want to be more than these expectations...I want to be the best person I can be, but what if I underachieve? What if I'm not good enough?