on leaving

I don't know if I have told any of you before, but I, although generally quite a positive, happy person, sometimes wonder what would happen if I died.

Haha...it's nothing really, I'm perfectly fine. I just wondered what would happen to the people around me.

My family would grief, I know. But how would they remember me as? When they're reading eulogies at my funeral, what sort of things would be highlighted? My personality? My achievements?

And my friends...I wonder who would really feel my absence. I wonder if i touch anyone's life, if knowing me made a difference to anybody. I wonder if a great number of people will be at my wake, I wonder who would cry, and who wouldn't. And I wonder if anybody will step forward and want to continue what I had set out to do, that is to make a change in Malaysia.

I've recently started watching a new series, yes when the sun sets in Auckland, there isn't much else you can do save for going to bed. It's called Drop Dead Diva, and it's about a girl who dies, went to heaven, hits the "Return" button and comes back to live in another person's body. So she would have to assume the life of this new girl, who is the total opposite of her. But she still has every memory of her past life, her boyfriend, her family and friends etc. So she has to struggle with seeing these people while being a complete stranger to them. Anyway, she was a shallow person in the past, a stereotypical bimbo, whose dream was to be the model on The Price is Right. But she came back to life as a chubby lawyer, very intelligent, very workaholic. =)

So anyway that got me thinking about where I stand. When I die, I don't want to be remembered as an empty vessel. I want to be someone who has touched the lives of many, whose words are remembered by one maybe two people who had come to me for advise. I want to be a great big sister and little sister. I want to be a great daughter. I want to be a really special wife to some lucky man, and an awesome mother to some lucky children. I want to be the founder of a company which gave people new breaths of life, and a boss to happy employees who learned heaps from me and runs off to pursue big dreams too.

Kinda puts my life into perspective, you know. What do I want to do with my life from here onwards? Am I going to fill it with meaningful things? I sure hope I will. =)

painting nails at work

*edit* Gene Simmons it was =P
so im sitting at the reception of a women's gym in Sylvia Park, painting my nails black, and watching Facebook feed me updates. Shocking, I know.

Not your every day scene at the gym definitely.

But it's quiet on weekends. And for once the boss has decided she didn't want to work today. That very rarely happens. So I'm here by myself, and there is/are possibly only one or two souls puttering about in the gym.

I'm painting my nails black for a fancy dress party tonight. I've been cracking my head all week thinking of what to dress up as, because the theme was American and Mexican stereotypes. Which is everything. Until I watched the new episodes of One Tree Hill, followed by Glee. Now I've decided to go as the famed rockstar from KISS.

So I've got my face paint ready. I'm doing my nails. I'm getting all excited. I'm reading my email. I'm surfing the www. And then, bam! I see this:

Saturday May 29, 05:00 AM
Gene Simmons accused of sexual assault

Gene Simmons is the lead singer of KISS btw.

haha...maybe I should just go as Lady GaGa.

29

29 days to home.

still sick. but getting better. :)

Auckland rains too much, this winter.

watching a German film tonight.

currently car-less, it's at the mechanics for insurance assessment.

i made a list of food to eat already. 29 days too soon? i think not. :)

thought of you.

kahawai

I caught my first fish!

enfermo

Estoy enfermo.

I caught the flu. Winter 1, Karen 0.

I called in sick to work today, but I feel kinda sad doing so. Because that's $120 I'll be missing. Damn. I hate being a casual worker. No work no pay. But, on the other hand, I've not had a Saturday off in a long time. I wonder what I should do today. Well, I obviously need to do my report at some point. But right now I'm just soaking in the free time. =)

I'm hungry. But my throat does not like the idea of toasts, nor cold breakfast cereal. And there's nothing else u can eat here unfortunately. I miss kuey tiaw soup. I dreamt of my family this morning. I dreamt I was walking down the staircase, there were heaps of people at home, and I was snaking through them to look for my mum. Because she would know what to give me if I'm sick...boo~ =(

I'm such a baby, right? Well, I could really use hot soupy noodles right now but I can't get any. Not at this time anyway.

I've slept for about 10-11 hours. But I still feel like sleeping. I'm not exactly sleepy, more I can't be fussed to do anything else.

meh. im gonna make porridge.

Are you who you want to be?

are you who you want to be?
does your heart feel right?
does the smile you put on every day
seem to fade away at night?

do the steps you take to where you're headed
seem like they know where they're going?
do the visions in your mind
appear without you willing?

are the voices in your head
contradicting the ones in your heart?
did you just decide to play a role?
when did you assume this part?

were the happy memories you try to tap into
able to take the bitterness away?
are there still questions left unanswered
and words you had meant to say?

are you sure of what you're sure of?
did you just push away more thoughts?
will you ever find that idea of a happy ending
you swore you had bought?